we need to reimagine a place and now
lives where communities mean something
sometimes it takes an encounter with a
little old man or losing the love of
your life to help you do just that at
times we’re all going to fall that’s
life when you get up that’s life
reimagines I have to say this and I
always say it but anytime I get a
reception that warm I feel like I need
to let everybody know Will Smith is not
coming this is good as this go good
right here I will also share with you
that was a pretty crazy time in my life
when they started talking about the
biggest movie star in the world playing
you in this next film your life changes
I mean any time I see any piece of that
film I have the exact same thought those
people spent 70 million dollars to
recreate what I did with nothing
the second thought is that change can be
pretty jarring and pretty strange like
the time around I did that first
interview with Barbara Walters I had to
agree to do something I now know I would
never do again I had to agree to let
people follow me with television cameras
for three days from New York to Chicago
to San Francisco that’s a lot of tape
right then they cut it down to 17
minutes and it’s something about Barbara
Walters see and your first and last name
and you don’t know what she’s gonna say
next that make you pay attention I like
the time all the people in Hollywood was
suddenly interested in this guy calls me
he’s got this great idea for a reality
TV show he thinks he wants to create a
reality TV show based on homeless people
most me to be the judge
let’s go take some almost people off the
street clean them up give them a job and
the one that goes on to do the most with
their life is going to get a half a
million dollar house a hundred thousand
dollars in cash and all this other great
stuff put up by sponsors you know what I
told him
homelessness is not a game but if you
think it is already once will send me my
money never heard from him again
I like this other time I’m in Los
Angeles I’m meeting with all these guys
they’re talking to me about making the
movie we meet these three guys Steve
Tisch Todd black Jason Blumenthal and
I’m not believing any of this stuff we
sit down with these guys and one of the
guys asked me a question it was Steve
Tisch and he says to me I understand you
said no to being on the biggest TV show
in the world
why would you do that I couldn’t think
of another way to answer so I leaned
into the guy and I asked you mom you
ever see that movie Forrest Gump and the
guy says yeah
well there was a scene in the film where
Forrest stumbles into an anti-war rally
they want him to speak out against the
Vietnam War but somebody pulled the plug
when they ejected back up would you
heard for us say yes that’s all I got to
say about that
wrap the meeting up get in the elevator
the guy who has set the meeting up looks
at me says Chris by the way Steve Tisch
produced for his gum hey I did know I
think about that for a second Forrest
Gump won six Oscars was the third
highest-grossing film in history
and I’m asking a man had he seen his own
movie
they today that’s what got the deal done
they knew this boys the last okie from
Muskogee he got no idea as Gerry and
strangers change can be there were times
when it was hard to imagine that my life
would be what it is today
especially the time when my son and I
were living in that bathroom maybe
remember that scene in the movie there
was a highly polished sheet metal piece
over a sink it wasn’t a mirror but it
served as a mirror and I had to wash
myself in that baby every day watch my
baby in this sink and I had to ask
myself some very predictable questions
what happened why did this happen why
did that happen but the most difficult
question I had to get through was how
did I get here and the answer was even
more brutal the answer was I drove here
I had something to do with it you can’t
change something until you own it
so if you’re 50 plus and you’re sitting
out there and pointing fingers at other
people you can do that for a long time
but it’s hard to look in the mirror and
say how did I get here and have the
answer be I drove here I had something
to do with it it’s uncomfortable to
admit that well I made some bad
decisions I made some investments I
shouldn’t have made I had something to
do with it when that man sold me that
house with no money down I should have
told him what he could do at that house
huh when I signed that adjustable-rate
mortgage we all know these things only
adjust upwards
no one’s ever gonna call you and say
guess what you go pay less for your
money your house next year
angle happen so the idea of I drove here
is empowering because the other side of
it is if I drove here that means I can
drive out of here
I have to own it in that bathroom I
finally had to understand what my mama
used to say to me what she would say boy
to Calvary is not coming
ain’t no backup I was 28 years old when
that part of my life happened change was
coming fast and you know what changes
everywhere all the time social change
technical logical change and the most
potent of all personal change the most
urgent question today is not so much as
one of my values and who are we the
urgent question on these times of
constant changes how exactly are you
going to navigate these new realities
put another way
what are you going to do the answer is
reimagine life some time ago my friend
Barry Rand said about change that it is
shifting power away from largest to
touches and towards individuals this is
having a profound effect on 50-plus
Americans who are busy creating a new
more vital paradigm for the second half
of their life for them for us at 50-plus
we’re looking at for chess to grow in
new and rewarding ways they’re not
looking to replicate the first half of
their lives
norther they want to sit back and just
slowly slowly fade into the night
they’re looking to reimagine the
fifty-plus experience and make it true
to who they really are at 50-plus all of
us have been down some of the same roads
maybe in different places and different
paces and with different expectations
and all of us have had to reimagine our
lives and times whether we wanted to or
not and you know what I had been that
the most radical personal changes we’ve
made in our lives weren’t triggered by
our ideas they were triggered by life
happening
someday you’re gonna lose someone that
you love and you gonna have to reimagine
your whole life and let me tell you
something
well nothing make you reimagine life
like the loss of a loved one unless
you’ve been there ain’t nobody can
prepare you to understand
how totally your life is gonna change
today unfortunately I could say I’ve
been there the only way to start us from
the beginning and the beginning for me
was this past July when I lost my best
friend my soul mate and the love of my
life to brain cancer Holly and I had
been together for 20 years
hold up I just heard her voice and she
says no it was not 20 or was 19 years
because she had one year off a bad
behavior okay hey things happen all
right okay Holly and I did everything
backwards to my recollection we were a
couple for 12 years lived together for
seven years and then decided to get
married I will never forget today I had
to call Holly’s dad and ask for
permission to marry his daughter
I’m not old old but I am old-fashioned
and Holly had never been married and her
dad said to me son I’ve been waiting on
this call for 55 years you have my
permission
despite being sick holly arranged to
have a amassed dedicated to her parents
where they renewed their of their vows
after 70 years of marriage can you
imagine that 70 years let me tell you
some power level and when the priest
asked them did they want to renew their
vows you could hear a pin drop in that
church
and the precess ad you may now kiss your
bride
man the folks went at each other like
teenagers on prom night I was like man
y’all need to get a room
Holly’s illness began four years ago I
just returned from a business trip we
had dinner like we normally do with a
bed about 10 o’clock the next morning we
woke up and she says to me I’m losing my
vision and I heard her as clear as day
but I didn’t know what she meant and I’m
sitting on the edge of the bed trying to
figure out and I started with a bunch of
pushes that help me just catch my breath
but what does that mean losing your
vision as if fuzzy is it blurry but
there was something about the way she
said it something and how it felt that
let me know whoa
this is serious then a few more
questions down on me hey wait a minute
you just drove to Arkansas and back
knowing that you could not see don’t you
know I would I not have let you take
that trip if I knew yeah I know that’s
why I didn’t tell you the questions I
was asking were meaningless now I have a
manageable my condition is called blow
coma some of you might have it too
20 years ago I found one of the premier
glaucoma specialist in the world dr. Ted
Cooper who lives in Chicago where I live
he still taking care of me now now as we
all know getting in to see your doctor
when you want to which is usually right
now doesn’t always happen
but dr. Krupa says get in here we go in
the same day later that day I get the
cold I get the call that nobody ever
wants to get when your doctor will you
trust has between you for 20 years calls
you up and ask are you sitting down
that’s the call that kind of gifts their
life we imagine wheel spinning before
you know herself our lives were about to
change forever I was sitting down but I
was driving pull over and stop the car
dr. cruler says we need to get further
tests immediately
specialists need to be consulted
immediately all right here we go
Colin I did something that we both know
couldn’t be done by most folks we
understood that we were blessed to be in
the position that we were in but all I
want to know is who is the best who is
the best in the business not the best in
Chicago not the best available but the
best in the world
unlike a lot of folks when I need to
know something I do not go to the
internet
I don’t Google nothing I call people I
call people that I know trust and
respect and all I want to know at this
moment is who is the best but before I
called anybody I got to tell you
I got down on my knees and I called my
doctor hmm and I’ll pray oh man let me
tell you something I say at the same
prayer every day for four years Lord if
you would just let this woman touch the
hem of your garment I know she’ll be all
right the first thing we need is a CT
scanner and a MRI and then you need a
biopsy now who is the best in the world
that’s brain surgery who’s the best this
one guy’s name kept coming up dr. James
Chandler at Northwestern University
Hospital at Chicago we got to get a
biopsy we got to find out the nature of
the tumor the growth in Holly’s brain
now what we did know was this thing had
grown in such a way that it was putting
so much pressure on her optic nerves it
was taking her vision to the point where
eventually she’ll lose all sight in one
eye and half the sight in the other eye
so let’s go who’s the best man we walk
into this room at Northwestern
University and this young
african-american gentleman walked in and
stuck out his hand and said hi I’m James
Chandler I turned to Holly and I said
baby that’s a sign from God we go be
okay because you do not get to be the
head of brain surgery at Northwestern
University as an affirmative action
position
ah you’ve been the smartest guy in the
room for a long time we do the procedure
stage 2 inoperable tumor we do more
research we learn we can’t have
radiation because the radiation beings
would destroy the good cells and the bad
cells but it turns out there’s something
called proton radiation not only five
places in the country offering Boston
Oklahoma Miami Houston and Bloomington
Indiana and it’s funny how God works
sometimes God has this way of creating
space and time at this point in my life
I have been on the road 20 days a month
every month for the last three years
speaking engagements business
presentations just doing my day job but
somehow for the next six weeks I got no
appointments I got nowhere to go and
nothing to do that was God’s Way of
saying no I got something else for you
to do
even when we got the diagnosis man I was
in denial partially because of my past I
had overcome every obstacle achieved
every goal slayed every dragon so my
position was let’s get to work
next time Indiana
now Holly caches and I remove the
Bloomington Indiana caches by the way is
our son
cash is to be clear is a ten-year-old
boy trapped in the body of a six year
old doll somebody and you know what I’m
talking about
whoo man we start the radiation now I
don’t know anything about this but I’m
having to learn everything real fast I’m
scared but I can’t let Holly no I’m
scared
how does proton radiation work what
changes should we expect for the
possible side-effects you know my first
reaction was that we’re going to
continue living our normal lives and
that included good food and working out
so baby we got to keep our strength up
all right we ought to keep our strength
up for this fight we will eat and
workout every day I was concerned about
her losing weight and becoming weaker
because of the treatments eat work out
everyday found a great gym that’s what
we do eat and workout moved into a
Marriott extended stay and it turns out
right across the street from the
Marriott is a Golden Corral man I don’t
need to say another word do it huh all
you can eat for 695 all-you-can-eat she
does not lose a pound I gained 20
now we’ve been told that it’s going to
be a year to 18 months before we know
how effective the treatments in there I
mean the radiation itself calls a
swelling so that’s what he’s got to go
down first and then we’ll see if there’s
had any impact on the growth and
possibly hopefully shrinking the tumor
that’s 12 to 18 months so it was clear
that my life was changed forever
dramatically I mean I have finally found
a job tougher than being a single parent
primary caregiver somebody and you know
what I’m talking about 36% of members of
AARP say they are caregivers and people
say well well you can get help and uh
let me tell you something ain’t nobody
gonna ever take care of somebody that
you love like you that ain’t don’t
happen that angle happen period now one
day while we’re in one of the doctor’s
office is and you know people on the
cell phone saying they talk so loud you
can overhear everything and this one guy
is saying to somebody
well becoming a primary caregiver
changes everything in a relationship and
Holly looked at me and she says is that
true and I said no you don’t know what
he’s talking about the truth of the
matter is I didn’t know being a primary
caregiver was about learning how to do
everything twice
I get up get her up brush my teeth brush
our teeth I get dressed get her dressed
tie my shoes tie her shoes you do
everything twice the other person always
come first and being a primary caregiver
man I had to learn more about being a
woman than I ever wanted to know what is
this thing with the ear ring whoa whoa
what is so important that the back of
the earring gotta match the front of the
ear ring
ain’t nobody go see it anyway you can’t
see it but Holly could fill it is she
saying no that’s not it that’s not it
right I will never forget the time I
dropped the back of the ear ring into
the plush pile carpeting of a nice hotel
couldn’t find it now we can’t go
anywhere until I find the back of this
ear and I’ll call the concierge at the
hotel he sent up half the staff from the
hotel we got down on my hands and knees
crawling looking for the back of this
area and she found it
she stepped on it and don’t even get me
started with this thing about putting on
the bra I hold up my favorite oh you got
to put the thing on you got to get
everybody situated rockin right then you
got to snap the thing in the bag men
don’t know how to put bras on we know
how to take them all high I had to learn
okay the other person always come first
and sometimes only you might not to get
to do nothing for you that day I mean I
ran out of the house one day I had to
get Holley together get her all squared
or make sure she got everything that you
need I got to get to a big meeting
downtown I left the house and didn’t
know it till I got to my meeting I left
the house were two different color shoes
one black one brown one suede one level
one lace-up one loaf of now that means I
had a few chances to get that right
man I didn’t know it until I got in the
meeting I’m sitting there talking to
these people sit back cross my legs and
everybody’s looking at my suit didn’t
matter I got that business anyway
don’t probably felt like what we
need to get this man some being a
primary caregiver you do everything you
do with love
it teaches you all about love and fear
now on the outside hey I’m a fearless
guy and if you’re an American man over
50 years old
you got some John Wayne in you huh you
got some John Wayne in you that says no
we got this we got this we got access to
the best minds and science of Medicine
we got the insurance we got the reach we
go be okay on the inside she couldn’t
know I was scared too Holly loved to
read one of the hardest things about
this challenge that we were facing she
told me was she didn’t feel like she was
getting any smarter because she couldn’t
read like she used to
so as a act of love I began to read to
her and I say to where I said baby you
got to stop saying you only got half an
eye the truth of the matter is now you
got two and a half because I’m giving
you both of mine another time we had
this very painful conversation
psychiatrists social workers doctors
have been telling us that the vast
majority of people who wind up in these
kinds of cases get divorced they break
up Holly says to me one day what if I
lose you
and I pulled her face to me as close as
I could so I knew she could see me and I
asked her I said baby have I missed the
stuff yet well then I’m not going to and
that was the last time we had to deal
with that we had that handle right there
in the house that was done we can handle
that
you know we didn’t have to go outside
for that and you get to these faces in
places in your life sometimes and
sometimes you get to learn some some
things about yourself that you always
knew but you get to see it demonstrated
my greatest asset and greatest fault as
a person is I am loyal
have you been there for me I’m gonna be
there for you I would have been a good
dog sometimes the most important thing
that you can do in your life is exactly
that let’s somebody that you love know
I’ll be there I don’t know what these
doctors go say I don’t know what this
MRIs gonna say I don’t know what the CT
scans don’t say I don’t know what this
pathologist gonna say but you know I’m
gonna be there that’s being a primary
caregiver that’s life reimagined stage 2
inoperable 12 to 18 months before we
know anything
Holly starts to fall down to the point
where she broke the same arm twice in
two years first time it was a nice clean
break no surgery just put a cast on it
she’s good to go get on a plane go to
Hawaii on vacation no problem the second
time the second time the doctors take a
look at it and say is pulverized you
can’t just put a cast on it we had to
put it for titanium pants
and Holly live like that the last four
months of her life
Ida changed that dressing on that pin
with an arm twice a day we didn’t know
it yet but the tumor had changed there
was fluid buildup in Holly’s brain and
this is putting pressure on the nerve to
control the left side of her body
so she started losing her balance one
day I had to pick her up four times
get back in to see a doctor to do
another CT scan and the doctor says we
got to do something here but this fluid
buildup in the brain and we’ve got to
drain that fluid off though the pressure
out of there and drain it into her
abdomen and that’s going to help with
the balance but we also we gotta take
another biopsy of this brain so now we
got a stage four to
we have six weeks people come to Chicago
from all over the world to go to South
Dakota rehabilitation Rehabilitation
Institute of Chicago and let me tell you
something it has given me a new
perspective of what it means to struggle
all the stuff that we dealing with out
here everyday all this stuff is
negotiable we are all playing some
formal let’s make a deal you trying to
make something happen you trying to get
something you go get it are you not
that’s let’s make a deal but when you
land flat on your back and can’t move
nothing but your right foot that’s a
non-negotiable position stock market
housing market job mock market all that
stuff out there is negotiable but when
you see somebody that you love 55 years
old struggling to try to learn how to
walk again trying to learn how to eat
with a fork again that’s non-negotiable
had to go to New York major business
couldn’t reschedule had to do it got to
keep it how is in the rehab center and
she knows that ain’t doing too good
right now I’m struggling and I know we
got one arrow in the quiver Kimo and her
age group 55 years of age with Kimo you
got 14 months left
and that is no discussion on quality of
life some struggling with this at this
major speaking engagement got to keep it
get to New York and Holly calls me right
before I walked up to the stage and she
says to me you know what I walked 700
feet today
that was her way of saying if I can do
that then you can do this she has some
John Wayne at her to six weeks in rehab
get ready to come home had to
reconfigure the whole house got to read
everything he’s got to be accessible now
everything they got in a hospital we got
to have it in the house hospital bed the
rails the shower everything got to have
it here now I’m still in denial I’m
still saying baby we gonna be okay we
got this we gonna be okay
the very day that we were supposed to go
in for our first chemo treatment Holly
had a stroke that was it that was life
reimagined I was told that we have 14
months with chemo and again not taken to
a any consideration quality of life
that’s 14 months with chemo it takes 12
to 18 months to recover from a stroke
under the best conditions but that’s
where we’re at where the call cross
Harris I can’t be a denial anymore and
you know what every time I got weak my
wings got weak God would send me some
angels hmm couple of Holly’s friends
Sheila Dixon my best friend city cat
when up Holly’s friends from way back
Nancy Kavanagh
and I got to tell you something about
the cavalry might not be coming but I
put together a damn good posse we get
back to the hospital get the swelling to
stop in the brain but the tumors so
fragile she could have another stroke so
we move into a subacute facility 24 hour
recovery Sheila Sheila Dixon moved into
that facility with Holly and she pretty
much set an edge here right in Holly’s
room for 10 12 14 hours a day now
unbeknownst to me she had become the
nursing supervisor and she would just
sit there you but just she would be
sitting these people no no no baby what
you doing huh no don’t turn her like
that she don’t like that no no no we
don’t do that one time a man came in the
room certified nursing assistant she
told him no leader oh you can’t be in
here we need her her at her now we go
turn it this way and then we go get her
hair done and she want to get her nails
done tomorrow now that’s what we go do
okay man at this point all of Holly’s
output channels are gone but she can
hear and respond to everything that you
say is she here everything that you
saying and the only way we could
communicate is with her right foot
and I had to start being honest with
myself though I had to start thinking
about a DNR do-not-resuscitate I just
read this article by a guy named Joe
client Time magazine mr. Klein and his
words had to become the death panel for
both of his parents within a six-month
period and he wrote about letting people
die with dignity
I read this article and I said okay I
get it I finally got to do this I got to
sign this DNR I go in there I got the
DNR in one hand but in the other hand I
got Holly’s foot and I’m just talking
and talking and talking and and I I
don’t know why but I said baby you want
a cup of coffee and I get this foot say
you want a cheese danish I get the foot
now what do you do you got a DNR in one
hand and the other hand you got this
foot telling you to go give me a coffee
and a Danish what do you do
you go get the coffee and a Danish
that’s what you do alright I had to suck
up the coffee and the strong put a
little suction at the top and just drop
it in the mouth and you could see her
and we were having coffee
some of our last conversations that I
had with Holly or her asking me what are
you going to do now that we see how
truly sure life can be what are you
gonna do that was my life reimagined
moment she and I have been talking for
some time about where we are where she
was where I was but now the question was
staring me in the face what are you
going to do after Holly and you know
what for 30 years I’ve been doing
something that was good and
business-wise not just good
[Music]
one of the best in the business but
after 30 years I don’t want to do it
anymore
one of the best in the business made a
ton of money doing it I don’t want to do
it anymore it’s not what gets me excited
I started taking my own advice and I
said I’m getting out of the brokerage
business I’ve been telling people for a
long time if you’re doing something that
you’re not passionate about or committed
to then you compromising yourself every
day and you know what you cannot fake
the funk for long so I’m getting out of
the brokerage business I’ve been
thinking about spinning and not just
thinking about it but I know I’ve been
spending more time and energy on other
things anyway
but it was these last conversations with
Holly that led me to just push away and
began to reimagine my life one day all
of us we’re going to get to a stretch of
road where there’s no Maps no road signs
and no GPS there’s gonna be a fork in
this road
and one way is gonna see I’m scared and
don’t know what to do the other way is
going to say I’m scared but I’m stepping
out on faith that’s the road you gotta
change
and when you push away sometimes you
just need to make a good clean break all
right there shut it down shut down to
business all right New York office shut
it down
18 years shut it down you can’t get to
the next chapter without earnest of
pages mmm I mean a lot of us just like
to read like this it don’t work like
that all right and you know what
speaking of reading there was a book
that Holly and I were reading no it’s
the last book I’ve had a chance to read
to her to Kill a Mockingbird by Harper
Lee and I would sit there and read and
she’s given me the food and I read
slowly pages and chapters and I knew so
when I finished this book
Holle it go be here I haven’t finished
that book yet I don’t know if I ever
will
when you lose a loved one you reevaluate
everything what are you gonna do with
your time it all comes down with the
time that is all we got
you can lose a house get a new house
lose a job get a new job but when you
lose the person that you love more than
life that’s you’re replaceable you can
make money you can lose money you can’t
make time you can see that every person
you meet over the next couple of days
how much time you got to work before you
eligible for retirement people know how
much gas is in the car people know how
much time you got left in your life
don’t nobody know time is the ultimate
luxury some of us get more than others
some of us get more than we deserve but
none of us know how much we have left in
our lives we just don’t know you know
there’s a scene from that feeling that
gets at reimagine in life is the scene
that takes place on the basketball court
that scene wasn’t written as you saw it
in the original script when the little
boy throws up the ball it says I’m going
pro the father says forget it you could
never do that I was no good at it so
that means that you can’t do it don’t
ever let me hear you say you go do that
man to put that in perspective I got to
change this story about my mom I have
one of those old-fashioned mothers who
taught me from the very beginning that I
can do be anything I wanted to do Abby
apparently I took it too far
made in my mind my first ambition of
life I was gonna become Miles Davis hmm
man mama said I could be anybody I chose
miles I study music music theory I
played trumpet for nine years I got
pretty good and when I say I wanted to
become a Miles Davis I had it bad people
would ask me as a little boy would you
go be when you grow up
I had a so bad I started talking like
miles and I’ll tell him I’ve called B
Miles Davis thank God my mother heard me
see it one time
mama heard me said she said son We Need
to Talk we sat down at the kitchen table
she explained to me baby you’re pretty
good with that thing but you can’t beat
Miles Davis ain’t but one and he got
that job and I had to look at the facts
the facts were at 18 years of age Miles
Davis was a New York City player with
Quincy Jones and Dizzy Gillespie at the
same age I was playing with some boys
named Pookie and ray-ray
hey we were good but it wasn’t gonna
happen but the point is another
important decision was made as a young
guy and that decision was I was going to
become world-class at something I just
had to find my button that one thing
that turns you all so much that you
would do it for free
years ago there was this guy named Joe
I’m not gonna say his last name because
I didn’t know it he saw me on Oprah he
sends me an email and he says to me I
saw you on Oprah
I hate Oprah I hate Will Smith and he
used the n-word but he says every time I
see you I don’t see a color I wanted to
hate other people from My Father I’m
going to buy your book because I think
you have helped me change my life that
was one of those things that says chills
through your body I’ll never forget that
so when it was time for me to do my
second book start where you are I
thought well let me just reach out to
this guy and see how he’s doing
get him on the phone and I say hey man
what’s happening and I got a new book
coming out and I want to use your letter
in my book is that okay that’s oh no no
no mr. Gardner please oh don’t do that
you see I finally found out what makes
me happy I am now the drummer in an
afro-cuban reggae band
okay that’s life reimagined and don’t
always look like you thought it were
that was Joe finding his button and you
know maybe it’s time for a lot of us
over 50 to not be looking for a job
maybe it’s time for us to be starting to
find our button and then hit
find it and be bold enough to go after
and accept the fact that ain’t nobody
gotta dig it but you that’s the hard
part because a lot of times we want to
have some external validation like it’s
okay it’s a good thing it’s alright for
you to do that hey ain’t nobody got a
digger but you that’s my mama talking
this is important because we’re all
50-plus now we have to accept that you
know what they’ve been more yesterday’s
then there will be tomorrow’s do I need
to say that again there bear more
yesterday’s then there will be
tomorrow’s losing Holly made that
crystal clear to me and when you find
that button and I can’t tell you how to
find it the truth of the matter is a lot
of us probably already know man you
gotta push it and remember this baby
steps count too as long as you’re going
forward dr. Martin Luther King put it
best for me when he once said you may
not see the whole staircase but you
gotta take the first step we all take
strides when we’re clear we’re certain
and there’s no obstacles you got to take
them baby steps sometimes when you don’t
know and I think the AARP folks are
getting this they know that the old
paradigm is over so the button thing is
front and center for a lot of us right
now we’re looking to discover what’s
next in our lives working volunteering
starting a business all this change
we’re talking about is getting people to
ask questions like how do I use my years
of experience to achieve success on my
terms how do I retool my skills for the
new economy how do i deepen relationship
with families and friends what does fun
come in sometime ago I was on CNN
talking about the
economy and I was saying how important
is to understand that the next wave of
entrepreneurial zest and zeal in this
country is going to be led by people who
are over 50 years old you know why I say
that because those are people who will
let go from key positions in corporate
America in their prime and all these
technical wizards and bright guys that
misses something they’re missing the 3
R’s not to reading writing arithmetic
they’re missing the rep the rap and the
rolodex reputation history in the
business rap you got to be able to
communicate your ideas rolodex mom used
to always say to me boy the best time to
make friends is before you need friends
we’re heading straight into a creator
economy now a creator economy is where a
lot of people are just finding their
buttons they are ordinary passionate
people all over the places that are
doing things that they are truly
passionate about pursuing Big Ideas
innovative solutions being
entrepreneurial think about that the
idea of being a creator is probably a
little unsettling and it’s so contrary
to the life course we’ve grown
accustomed to the steady job career
trajectory and so on
but you know why because this is life
reimagined
this is changing things up this is 50
folks 50 year old folks pushing that
button you see we don’t need to reinvent
ourselves I never really bought into
that whole reinvention thing I mean at
this point we are who we are most of us
have the time we ain’t got the time or
energy to be reinvented nothing what we
do need though is the confidence that
the skills talent and expertise that
we’ve accumulated during our lives can
create values somehow skills telling and
expertise are transferable why not use
them to do something that we love why
not use them to produce something to
build something to love something and
own it this is finding your button and
pushing it this is work reimagine and
that proverbial question is the glass
half-full or the glass half-empty hey my
position is the glasses how full the
other half ain’t yours no way so don’t
worry about it let’s roll with what we
got
a a blank slate and all our imaginations
are right here own it and always be
mindful that the Calvary is not coming
ain’t no backup so what am I gonna do
I’m gonna tell you what I’m gonna do I’m
gonna do three things I’m gonna work
less make more money and enjoy my life
now that might not just that my way that
might sound like something just cocky to
say let me let me talk about that for a
second that ain’t just something cocky
to say work less what does it mean that
means I have no longer willing to do
anything just to make money no matter
how good I am at it I’m no longer
willing to spend another moment a second
a minute of my life doing something just
to make money and the truth of the
matter is when you’re doing something
though that you tremendously excited
about that you’re passionate about that
you’re committed to you probably go be
working harder than you ever worked in
your life but when you’re loving it
that’s not work is it huh that’s not
work I’m telling you make more money
what does that think what does that mean
in my case cut all these expenses man
how many houses can you live in at one
time how many cars can you drive at one
time and get some people out of your
pocket hey hey wait we all got some
people who’ve been living in our pockets
the first people I’m putting out in my
pocket are my children
a lot of us tried to give all our
children everything that we didn’t have
thinking that we were giving them a
better life and you know what we’re not
giving them a better life we just give
them better stuff man my children
develop this highly at one point highly
evolved sense of entitlement they
walking around like they the Lord
chocolate Kennedy’s I’m just being
honest I’m talking about my kids right
you know they’re walking around like we
just gotta like this we just rollin like
this I have to explain to a one-day you
know what hold a whole up y’all not
rolling I’m rolling y’all ride oh
there’s a difference between Ryan and
rolling when you ride you get when you
rollin you get to say when they stop
when you ride you hope it never does
I’ll never forget this one time man I
came home one day and you know I mean I
had to explain to my children and I
don’t believe in using a whole bunch of
bad language but I I did say to my
children when they look at you know what
y’all see all this stuff this is my
stuff
okay I made this you didn’t I came home
one day I’ll never forget this I’m
hearing this arguing in my house and I
walked out what’s going on here my
daughter is eight my son is 12 my
daughter runs up to me she says Papa
tell Chris i’ma get you a Ferrari when
you die
[Applause]
aha they are you whacking up the goods
right she ain’t he 12 K nobody drive
they’re whacking up the goods and this
all happened around Christmastime and I
will never forget it was Christmas time
and report card time and the house
looked like Norman Rockwell’s house we
got the tree up and all the presents
decorated and they bring up these report
cards starting on with the back end of
the alphabet and I told him I says no
you know what Christmas they don’t open
nothin
we will leave everything right here into
that next report card come out man and
lead a trio and all their little friends
came over in january/february what’s up
with the tree man we had a Rottweiler at
the time Bruno Bruno 150 pound
Rottweiler and he opened everything
under that tree ain’t the PlayStation a
hey leave him alone all right but that
was the beginning of me helping them get
it but sometimes like this when this
happens I mean you take some real hard
look looks at your relationships with
your children getting back to cutting
expenses I mean getting people out of
your pocket
enjoy life where does that mean man I’ve
made a commitment to get into the best
physical shape of my life I tell you
something I have recently with a whole
lot of work I’ve dropped 27 pounds 27
pounds thank you thank you you know what
when I came out of the Navy I was 23
years old
220 pounds with a 32 inch waist
now today 58 years old 220 pounds and
the only way I’m gonna have a 32 inch
waist with some radical form of surgical
intervention and ain’t gonna happen but
I’m okay with that
all right the only person happy about my
new body than me is my tailor he’s like
man I cannot take your pants up any more
if I take your pants at one more time in
the back you gonna have a pouch enjoy it
like getting in the best shape of my
life and I want to do work that is
meaningful to me and that means
continuing to work with AARP that means
continuing to rough was in AARP and
every opportunity I get is just with
some folks last night in New York
continuing my work at private equity in
Africa and I’m working on some ideas in
media for instance all let’s talk about
life reimagined what about love
reimagines huh what happens I mean at
the end of the day we all just want to
be healthy and we want to be loved what
happens when you’re single 60 is sexy
don’t answer that well why not some
television for grown folks singles 60 is
sexy I’m working on that okay that’s
love reimagine and that’s a lot that’s
where I’m at and the beautiful thing
about this transitional part of my
relationship with Holly is no regrets
no regrets to have loved and been loved
unconditionally you know what that means
unconditionally that means somebody
knows you and loved you anyway huh
unconditionally one of them the last
thing is that last conversations we had
was her saying to me that you know what
you don’t have to say that you wish we
had done this so you wish we had done
that cause we did everything we did all
that in one of the last things that she
said to me was I don’t want you to cry
because it’s over I want you to smile
because it happened
man girl has some Barry White in a two
so you know and I’m gonna say this I
gotta share this with you when you do
lose a loved one you’re gonna have some
people come in and out and tell you what
you should be doing now somebody in
there know what I’m talking about
you guys are folks come in here and tell
you what you should do now this is what
you need to do okay and then leave and
you’re like right here this is your life
right and all you got some friends let’s
go turn into experts we had this one
Holly had this one friend who found the
one doctor on the internet who
guaranteed he could cure brain cancer on
the Internet now god Northwestern
University Duke University and the
University of Chicago said we know this
is where you have one quack saying I
guarantee I could cure cancer
we don’t see the quack so that creates
an issue with me in the France
so these friends they got to come they
gonna go but this is your life and they
go fly back to New Jersey in New Mexico
wherever they came from
all right that’s part of the experience
of loss but big picture keeping people
close and finding kindred spirits this
is all part of life reimagined for too
long too many of us have been living in
Excel in a place called things it’s time
to come back to a place where there’s
friends families and folks people are
connected I mean that’s what’s important
place where being connected helps us
find our buttons friends families and
folks we all got somewhere because
somebody else helped us somebody else
saw something that maybe at some point
we didn’t see in ourselves and you know
what you can keep on seeking people who
will help bring out your best we can
keep all meeting people anywhere
everywhere people like ourselves people
will share our circumstances understand
our concerns and have common points of
view it’s like very rare said it’s time
to get local it’s time to make it
personal time for two-way conversations
time to build a support network of
people like us and being connected that
is what is important that’s what we find
our power AARP is real clear on where
50-plus people are at
that they feel that they’ve earned the
right to enjoy their work and succeed in
the future and that they know life isn’t
reimagined along so the folks at AARP
are working hard to create space for
this sharing experiences connecting with
mentors exchanging ideas and building
communities and you can count on me to
be your ally to be your personal
advocate because of where I’ve been and
what I’ve been through
people 50-plus are all living in the
same neighborhood not demographically
but chronologically speaking we’re all
in the same space some of these events
if they haven’t happened for you already
they will and it doesn’t matter where
you live or what your zip code is
because chronologically we’re all in the
same space your work life is going to
change your love life is going to change
your relationships with your children
are going to change and when you get to
that point the big questions becomes
what am I going to do with the rest of
my life
so chronologically we’re all in the same
neighborhood
but the good thing is that AARP we got
boots on the ground a couple of years
ago after the movie came out I had this
opportunity to go to the Oscars and I
mean as big as that thing is on
television it’s even bigger in real life
now why am I here I’m not just here I’m
here because the biggest movie star in
the world is nominated for an Academy
Award for playing me so now it’s the
Oscars on steroids I got two tickets to
this thing whoo you go take I take my
daughter hmm man I don’t know anything
about women’s clothes but there’s this
woman a beer away
she’s supposed to be high she made my
daughter address these good folks from
this little company called sure part
let my daughter borrow five hundred
thousand dollars what the diamonds on
her signature which is really my
signature
I’ll walk behind her all night now say
you better not drop nothing you know
where’s my every man and you’re on that
red carpet and you’re surrounded by
every Rockstar movie star wannabe has
been on the planet there’s a pretty
heady experience but the very next week
I had a speaking engagement right here
in New Orleans
the very next week the next Sunday and
sometimes God doesn’t trust my hearing
so he puts me in places to show me
things I do my speaking engagement in
the morning and something said to me go
go see for yourself
I went to a neighborhood called the
Lower Ninth Ward I had never seen
anything so devastating in my entire
life
imagine a cemetery where all of the
tombstones
the churches houses schools and
businesses no people
I see this one little old man he’s
outside he’s he’s cutting the grass with
a push mower I make the driver stop the
car arcade just rolled by I make him
stop the car I go over to the little old
man and I don’t know what else to say
but I say man you got your yard looking
good he looked up at me and he said this
ain’t my yard I live over there
this is my friend’s yard and every time
I cut my grass I cut his because I know
one day my friend is coming home man now
the first thing that went through my
mind is do I have any friends like that
that was not the big question the big
question was have I been that kind of
friend and I know now having lost Holly
that I’ve been that kind of friend
a year later back in New Orleans same
neighborhood same house go over there
and there’s that same little old man
sitting outside but this time he’s not
sitting alone he’s sitting under the
newly planted shade tree and he’s
playing checkers and I could tell by the
look on his face and the smile in his
eyes that his friend had come home
that’s life reimagined we need to
reimagine a place in our lives where
communities mean something sometimes it
takes an encounter with a little old man
lives where communities mean something
sometimes it takes an encounter with a
little old man or losing the love of
your life to help you do just that at
times we’re all going to fall that’s
life when you get up that’s life
reimagines I have to say this and I
always say it but anytime I get a
reception that warm I feel like I need
to let everybody know Will Smith is not
coming this is good as this go good
right here I will also share with you
that was a pretty crazy time in my life
when they started talking about the
biggest movie star in the world playing
you in this next film your life changes
I mean any time I see any piece of that
film I have the exact same thought those
people spent 70 million dollars to
recreate what I did with nothing
the second thought is that change can be
pretty jarring and pretty strange like
the time around I did that first
interview with Barbara Walters I had to
agree to do something I now know I would
never do again I had to agree to let
people follow me with television cameras
for three days from New York to Chicago
to San Francisco that’s a lot of tape
right then they cut it down to 17
minutes and it’s something about Barbara
Walters see and your first and last name
and you don’t know what she’s gonna say
next that make you pay attention I like
the time all the people in Hollywood was
suddenly interested in this guy calls me
he’s got this great idea for a reality
TV show he thinks he wants to create a
reality TV show based on homeless people
most me to be the judge
let’s go take some almost people off the
street clean them up give them a job and
the one that goes on to do the most with
their life is going to get a half a
million dollar house a hundred thousand
dollars in cash and all this other great
stuff put up by sponsors you know what I
told him
homelessness is not a game but if you
think it is already once will send me my
money never heard from him again
I like this other time I’m in Los
Angeles I’m meeting with all these guys
they’re talking to me about making the
movie we meet these three guys Steve
Tisch Todd black Jason Blumenthal and
I’m not believing any of this stuff we
sit down with these guys and one of the
guys asked me a question it was Steve
Tisch and he says to me I understand you
said no to being on the biggest TV show
in the world
why would you do that I couldn’t think
of another way to answer so I leaned
into the guy and I asked you mom you
ever see that movie Forrest Gump and the
guy says yeah
well there was a scene in the film where
Forrest stumbles into an anti-war rally
they want him to speak out against the
Vietnam War but somebody pulled the plug
when they ejected back up would you
heard for us say yes that’s all I got to
say about that
wrap the meeting up get in the elevator
the guy who has set the meeting up looks
at me says Chris by the way Steve Tisch
produced for his gum hey I did know I
think about that for a second Forrest
Gump won six Oscars was the third
highest-grossing film in history
and I’m asking a man had he seen his own
movie
they today that’s what got the deal done
they knew this boys the last okie from
Muskogee he got no idea as Gerry and
strangers change can be there were times
when it was hard to imagine that my life
would be what it is today
especially the time when my son and I
were living in that bathroom maybe
remember that scene in the movie there
was a highly polished sheet metal piece
over a sink it wasn’t a mirror but it
served as a mirror and I had to wash
myself in that baby every day watch my
baby in this sink and I had to ask
myself some very predictable questions
what happened why did this happen why
did that happen but the most difficult
question I had to get through was how
did I get here and the answer was even
more brutal the answer was I drove here
I had something to do with it you can’t
change something until you own it
so if you’re 50 plus and you’re sitting
out there and pointing fingers at other
people you can do that for a long time
but it’s hard to look in the mirror and
say how did I get here and have the
answer be I drove here I had something
to do with it it’s uncomfortable to
admit that well I made some bad
decisions I made some investments I
shouldn’t have made I had something to
do with it when that man sold me that
house with no money down I should have
told him what he could do at that house
huh when I signed that adjustable-rate
mortgage we all know these things only
adjust upwards
no one’s ever gonna call you and say
guess what you go pay less for your
money your house next year
angle happen so the idea of I drove here
is empowering because the other side of
it is if I drove here that means I can
drive out of here
I have to own it in that bathroom I
finally had to understand what my mama
used to say to me what she would say boy
to Calvary is not coming
ain’t no backup I was 28 years old when
that part of my life happened change was
coming fast and you know what changes
everywhere all the time social change
technical logical change and the most
potent of all personal change the most
urgent question today is not so much as
one of my values and who are we the
urgent question on these times of
constant changes how exactly are you
going to navigate these new realities
put another way
what are you going to do the answer is
reimagine life some time ago my friend
Barry Rand said about change that it is
shifting power away from largest to
touches and towards individuals this is
having a profound effect on 50-plus
Americans who are busy creating a new
more vital paradigm for the second half
of their life for them for us at 50-plus
we’re looking at for chess to grow in
new and rewarding ways they’re not
looking to replicate the first half of
their lives
norther they want to sit back and just
slowly slowly fade into the night
they’re looking to reimagine the
fifty-plus experience and make it true
to who they really are at 50-plus all of
us have been down some of the same roads
maybe in different places and different
paces and with different expectations
and all of us have had to reimagine our
lives and times whether we wanted to or
not and you know what I had been that
the most radical personal changes we’ve
made in our lives weren’t triggered by
our ideas they were triggered by life
happening
someday you’re gonna lose someone that
you love and you gonna have to reimagine
your whole life and let me tell you
something
well nothing make you reimagine life
like the loss of a loved one unless
you’ve been there ain’t nobody can
prepare you to understand
how totally your life is gonna change
today unfortunately I could say I’ve
been there the only way to start us from
the beginning and the beginning for me
was this past July when I lost my best
friend my soul mate and the love of my
life to brain cancer Holly and I had
been together for 20 years
hold up I just heard her voice and she
says no it was not 20 or was 19 years
because she had one year off a bad
behavior okay hey things happen all
right okay Holly and I did everything
backwards to my recollection we were a
couple for 12 years lived together for
seven years and then decided to get
married I will never forget today I had
to call Holly’s dad and ask for
permission to marry his daughter
I’m not old old but I am old-fashioned
and Holly had never been married and her
dad said to me son I’ve been waiting on
this call for 55 years you have my
permission
despite being sick holly arranged to
have a amassed dedicated to her parents
where they renewed their of their vows
after 70 years of marriage can you
imagine that 70 years let me tell you
some power level and when the priest
asked them did they want to renew their
vows you could hear a pin drop in that
church
and the precess ad you may now kiss your
bride
man the folks went at each other like
teenagers on prom night I was like man
y’all need to get a room
Holly’s illness began four years ago I
just returned from a business trip we
had dinner like we normally do with a
bed about 10 o’clock the next morning we
woke up and she says to me I’m losing my
vision and I heard her as clear as day
but I didn’t know what she meant and I’m
sitting on the edge of the bed trying to
figure out and I started with a bunch of
pushes that help me just catch my breath
but what does that mean losing your
vision as if fuzzy is it blurry but
there was something about the way she
said it something and how it felt that
let me know whoa
this is serious then a few more
questions down on me hey wait a minute
you just drove to Arkansas and back
knowing that you could not see don’t you
know I would I not have let you take
that trip if I knew yeah I know that’s
why I didn’t tell you the questions I
was asking were meaningless now I have a
manageable my condition is called blow
coma some of you might have it too
20 years ago I found one of the premier
glaucoma specialist in the world dr. Ted
Cooper who lives in Chicago where I live
he still taking care of me now now as we
all know getting in to see your doctor
when you want to which is usually right
now doesn’t always happen
but dr. Krupa says get in here we go in
the same day later that day I get the
cold I get the call that nobody ever
wants to get when your doctor will you
trust has between you for 20 years calls
you up and ask are you sitting down
that’s the call that kind of gifts their
life we imagine wheel spinning before
you know herself our lives were about to
change forever I was sitting down but I
was driving pull over and stop the car
dr. cruler says we need to get further
tests immediately
specialists need to be consulted
immediately all right here we go
Colin I did something that we both know
couldn’t be done by most folks we
understood that we were blessed to be in
the position that we were in but all I
want to know is who is the best who is
the best in the business not the best in
Chicago not the best available but the
best in the world
unlike a lot of folks when I need to
know something I do not go to the
internet
I don’t Google nothing I call people I
call people that I know trust and
respect and all I want to know at this
moment is who is the best but before I
called anybody I got to tell you
I got down on my knees and I called my
doctor hmm and I’ll pray oh man let me
tell you something I say at the same
prayer every day for four years Lord if
you would just let this woman touch the
hem of your garment I know she’ll be all
right the first thing we need is a CT
scanner and a MRI and then you need a
biopsy now who is the best in the world
that’s brain surgery who’s the best this
one guy’s name kept coming up dr. James
Chandler at Northwestern University
Hospital at Chicago we got to get a
biopsy we got to find out the nature of
the tumor the growth in Holly’s brain
now what we did know was this thing had
grown in such a way that it was putting
so much pressure on her optic nerves it
was taking her vision to the point where
eventually she’ll lose all sight in one
eye and half the sight in the other eye
so let’s go who’s the best man we walk
into this room at Northwestern
University and this young
african-american gentleman walked in and
stuck out his hand and said hi I’m James
Chandler I turned to Holly and I said
baby that’s a sign from God we go be
okay because you do not get to be the
head of brain surgery at Northwestern
University as an affirmative action
position
ah you’ve been the smartest guy in the
room for a long time we do the procedure
stage 2 inoperable tumor we do more
research we learn we can’t have
radiation because the radiation beings
would destroy the good cells and the bad
cells but it turns out there’s something
called proton radiation not only five
places in the country offering Boston
Oklahoma Miami Houston and Bloomington
Indiana and it’s funny how God works
sometimes God has this way of creating
space and time at this point in my life
I have been on the road 20 days a month
every month for the last three years
speaking engagements business
presentations just doing my day job but
somehow for the next six weeks I got no
appointments I got nowhere to go and
nothing to do that was God’s Way of
saying no I got something else for you
to do
even when we got the diagnosis man I was
in denial partially because of my past I
had overcome every obstacle achieved
every goal slayed every dragon so my
position was let’s get to work
next time Indiana
now Holly caches and I remove the
Bloomington Indiana caches by the way is
our son
cash is to be clear is a ten-year-old
boy trapped in the body of a six year
old doll somebody and you know what I’m
talking about
whoo man we start the radiation now I
don’t know anything about this but I’m
having to learn everything real fast I’m
scared but I can’t let Holly no I’m
scared
how does proton radiation work what
changes should we expect for the
possible side-effects you know my first
reaction was that we’re going to
continue living our normal lives and
that included good food and working out
so baby we got to keep our strength up
all right we ought to keep our strength
up for this fight we will eat and
workout every day I was concerned about
her losing weight and becoming weaker
because of the treatments eat work out
everyday found a great gym that’s what
we do eat and workout moved into a
Marriott extended stay and it turns out
right across the street from the
Marriott is a Golden Corral man I don’t
need to say another word do it huh all
you can eat for 695 all-you-can-eat she
does not lose a pound I gained 20
now we’ve been told that it’s going to
be a year to 18 months before we know
how effective the treatments in there I
mean the radiation itself calls a
swelling so that’s what he’s got to go
down first and then we’ll see if there’s
had any impact on the growth and
possibly hopefully shrinking the tumor
that’s 12 to 18 months so it was clear
that my life was changed forever
dramatically I mean I have finally found
a job tougher than being a single parent
primary caregiver somebody and you know
what I’m talking about 36% of members of
AARP say they are caregivers and people
say well well you can get help and uh
let me tell you something ain’t nobody
gonna ever take care of somebody that
you love like you that ain’t don’t
happen that angle happen period now one
day while we’re in one of the doctor’s
office is and you know people on the
cell phone saying they talk so loud you
can overhear everything and this one guy
is saying to somebody
well becoming a primary caregiver
changes everything in a relationship and
Holly looked at me and she says is that
true and I said no you don’t know what
he’s talking about the truth of the
matter is I didn’t know being a primary
caregiver was about learning how to do
everything twice
I get up get her up brush my teeth brush
our teeth I get dressed get her dressed
tie my shoes tie her shoes you do
everything twice the other person always
come first and being a primary caregiver
man I had to learn more about being a
woman than I ever wanted to know what is
this thing with the ear ring whoa whoa
what is so important that the back of
the earring gotta match the front of the
ear ring
ain’t nobody go see it anyway you can’t
see it but Holly could fill it is she
saying no that’s not it that’s not it
right I will never forget the time I
dropped the back of the ear ring into
the plush pile carpeting of a nice hotel
couldn’t find it now we can’t go
anywhere until I find the back of this
ear and I’ll call the concierge at the
hotel he sent up half the staff from the
hotel we got down on my hands and knees
crawling looking for the back of this
area and she found it
she stepped on it and don’t even get me
started with this thing about putting on
the bra I hold up my favorite oh you got
to put the thing on you got to get
everybody situated rockin right then you
got to snap the thing in the bag men
don’t know how to put bras on we know
how to take them all high I had to learn
okay the other person always come first
and sometimes only you might not to get
to do nothing for you that day I mean I
ran out of the house one day I had to
get Holley together get her all squared
or make sure she got everything that you
need I got to get to a big meeting
downtown I left the house and didn’t
know it till I got to my meeting I left
the house were two different color shoes
one black one brown one suede one level
one lace-up one loaf of now that means I
had a few chances to get that right
man I didn’t know it until I got in the
meeting I’m sitting there talking to
these people sit back cross my legs and
everybody’s looking at my suit didn’t
matter I got that business anyway
don’t probably felt like what we
need to get this man some being a
primary caregiver you do everything you
do with love
it teaches you all about love and fear
now on the outside hey I’m a fearless
guy and if you’re an American man over
50 years old
you got some John Wayne in you huh you
got some John Wayne in you that says no
we got this we got this we got access to
the best minds and science of Medicine
we got the insurance we got the reach we
go be okay on the inside she couldn’t
know I was scared too Holly loved to
read one of the hardest things about
this challenge that we were facing she
told me was she didn’t feel like she was
getting any smarter because she couldn’t
read like she used to
so as a act of love I began to read to
her and I say to where I said baby you
got to stop saying you only got half an
eye the truth of the matter is now you
got two and a half because I’m giving
you both of mine another time we had
this very painful conversation
psychiatrists social workers doctors
have been telling us that the vast
majority of people who wind up in these
kinds of cases get divorced they break
up Holly says to me one day what if I
lose you
and I pulled her face to me as close as
I could so I knew she could see me and I
asked her I said baby have I missed the
stuff yet well then I’m not going to and
that was the last time we had to deal
with that we had that handle right there
in the house that was done we can handle
that
you know we didn’t have to go outside
for that and you get to these faces in
places in your life sometimes and
sometimes you get to learn some some
things about yourself that you always
knew but you get to see it demonstrated
my greatest asset and greatest fault as
a person is I am loyal
have you been there for me I’m gonna be
there for you I would have been a good
dog sometimes the most important thing
that you can do in your life is exactly
that let’s somebody that you love know
I’ll be there I don’t know what these
doctors go say I don’t know what this
MRIs gonna say I don’t know what the CT
scans don’t say I don’t know what this
pathologist gonna say but you know I’m
gonna be there that’s being a primary
caregiver that’s life reimagined stage 2
inoperable 12 to 18 months before we
know anything
Holly starts to fall down to the point
where she broke the same arm twice in
two years first time it was a nice clean
break no surgery just put a cast on it
she’s good to go get on a plane go to
Hawaii on vacation no problem the second
time the second time the doctors take a
look at it and say is pulverized you
can’t just put a cast on it we had to
put it for titanium pants
and Holly live like that the last four
months of her life
Ida changed that dressing on that pin
with an arm twice a day we didn’t know
it yet but the tumor had changed there
was fluid buildup in Holly’s brain and
this is putting pressure on the nerve to
control the left side of her body
so she started losing her balance one
day I had to pick her up four times
get back in to see a doctor to do
another CT scan and the doctor says we
got to do something here but this fluid
buildup in the brain and we’ve got to
drain that fluid off though the pressure
out of there and drain it into her
abdomen and that’s going to help with
the balance but we also we gotta take
another biopsy of this brain so now we
got a stage four to
we have six weeks people come to Chicago
from all over the world to go to South
Dakota rehabilitation Rehabilitation
Institute of Chicago and let me tell you
something it has given me a new
perspective of what it means to struggle
all the stuff that we dealing with out
here everyday all this stuff is
negotiable we are all playing some
formal let’s make a deal you trying to
make something happen you trying to get
something you go get it are you not
that’s let’s make a deal but when you
land flat on your back and can’t move
nothing but your right foot that’s a
non-negotiable position stock market
housing market job mock market all that
stuff out there is negotiable but when
you see somebody that you love 55 years
old struggling to try to learn how to
walk again trying to learn how to eat
with a fork again that’s non-negotiable
had to go to New York major business
couldn’t reschedule had to do it got to
keep it how is in the rehab center and
she knows that ain’t doing too good
right now I’m struggling and I know we
got one arrow in the quiver Kimo and her
age group 55 years of age with Kimo you
got 14 months left
and that is no discussion on quality of
life some struggling with this at this
major speaking engagement got to keep it
get to New York and Holly calls me right
before I walked up to the stage and she
says to me you know what I walked 700
feet today
that was her way of saying if I can do
that then you can do this she has some
John Wayne at her to six weeks in rehab
get ready to come home had to
reconfigure the whole house got to read
everything he’s got to be accessible now
everything they got in a hospital we got
to have it in the house hospital bed the
rails the shower everything got to have
it here now I’m still in denial I’m
still saying baby we gonna be okay we
got this we gonna be okay
the very day that we were supposed to go
in for our first chemo treatment Holly
had a stroke that was it that was life
reimagined I was told that we have 14
months with chemo and again not taken to
a any consideration quality of life
that’s 14 months with chemo it takes 12
to 18 months to recover from a stroke
under the best conditions but that’s
where we’re at where the call cross
Harris I can’t be a denial anymore and
you know what every time I got weak my
wings got weak God would send me some
angels hmm couple of Holly’s friends
Sheila Dixon my best friend city cat
when up Holly’s friends from way back
Nancy Kavanagh
and I got to tell you something about
the cavalry might not be coming but I
put together a damn good posse we get
back to the hospital get the swelling to
stop in the brain but the tumors so
fragile she could have another stroke so
we move into a subacute facility 24 hour
recovery Sheila Sheila Dixon moved into
that facility with Holly and she pretty
much set an edge here right in Holly’s
room for 10 12 14 hours a day now
unbeknownst to me she had become the
nursing supervisor and she would just
sit there you but just she would be
sitting these people no no no baby what
you doing huh no don’t turn her like
that she don’t like that no no no we
don’t do that one time a man came in the
room certified nursing assistant she
told him no leader oh you can’t be in
here we need her her at her now we go
turn it this way and then we go get her
hair done and she want to get her nails
done tomorrow now that’s what we go do
okay man at this point all of Holly’s
output channels are gone but she can
hear and respond to everything that you
say is she here everything that you
saying and the only way we could
communicate is with her right foot
and I had to start being honest with
myself though I had to start thinking
about a DNR do-not-resuscitate I just
read this article by a guy named Joe
client Time magazine mr. Klein and his
words had to become the death panel for
both of his parents within a six-month
period and he wrote about letting people
die with dignity
I read this article and I said okay I
get it I finally got to do this I got to
sign this DNR I go in there I got the
DNR in one hand but in the other hand I
got Holly’s foot and I’m just talking
and talking and talking and and I I
don’t know why but I said baby you want
a cup of coffee and I get this foot say
you want a cheese danish I get the foot
now what do you do you got a DNR in one
hand and the other hand you got this
foot telling you to go give me a coffee
and a Danish what do you do
you go get the coffee and a Danish
that’s what you do alright I had to suck
up the coffee and the strong put a
little suction at the top and just drop
it in the mouth and you could see her
and we were having coffee
some of our last conversations that I
had with Holly or her asking me what are
you going to do now that we see how
truly sure life can be what are you
gonna do that was my life reimagined
moment she and I have been talking for
some time about where we are where she
was where I was but now the question was
staring me in the face what are you
going to do after Holly and you know
what for 30 years I’ve been doing
something that was good and
business-wise not just good
[Music]
one of the best in the business but
after 30 years I don’t want to do it
anymore
one of the best in the business made a
ton of money doing it I don’t want to do
it anymore it’s not what gets me excited
I started taking my own advice and I
said I’m getting out of the brokerage
business I’ve been telling people for a
long time if you’re doing something that
you’re not passionate about or committed
to then you compromising yourself every
day and you know what you cannot fake
the funk for long so I’m getting out of
the brokerage business I’ve been
thinking about spinning and not just
thinking about it but I know I’ve been
spending more time and energy on other
things anyway
but it was these last conversations with
Holly that led me to just push away and
began to reimagine my life one day all
of us we’re going to get to a stretch of
road where there’s no Maps no road signs
and no GPS there’s gonna be a fork in
this road
and one way is gonna see I’m scared and
don’t know what to do the other way is
going to say I’m scared but I’m stepping
out on faith that’s the road you gotta
change
and when you push away sometimes you
just need to make a good clean break all
right there shut it down shut down to
business all right New York office shut
it down
18 years shut it down you can’t get to
the next chapter without earnest of
pages mmm I mean a lot of us just like
to read like this it don’t work like
that all right and you know what
speaking of reading there was a book
that Holly and I were reading no it’s
the last book I’ve had a chance to read
to her to Kill a Mockingbird by Harper
Lee and I would sit there and read and
she’s given me the food and I read
slowly pages and chapters and I knew so
when I finished this book
Holle it go be here I haven’t finished
that book yet I don’t know if I ever
will
when you lose a loved one you reevaluate
everything what are you gonna do with
your time it all comes down with the
time that is all we got
you can lose a house get a new house
lose a job get a new job but when you
lose the person that you love more than
life that’s you’re replaceable you can
make money you can lose money you can’t
make time you can see that every person
you meet over the next couple of days
how much time you got to work before you
eligible for retirement people know how
much gas is in the car people know how
much time you got left in your life
don’t nobody know time is the ultimate
luxury some of us get more than others
some of us get more than we deserve but
none of us know how much we have left in
our lives we just don’t know you know
there’s a scene from that feeling that
gets at reimagine in life is the scene
that takes place on the basketball court
that scene wasn’t written as you saw it
in the original script when the little
boy throws up the ball it says I’m going
pro the father says forget it you could
never do that I was no good at it so
that means that you can’t do it don’t
ever let me hear you say you go do that
man to put that in perspective I got to
change this story about my mom I have
one of those old-fashioned mothers who
taught me from the very beginning that I
can do be anything I wanted to do Abby
apparently I took it too far
made in my mind my first ambition of
life I was gonna become Miles Davis hmm
man mama said I could be anybody I chose
miles I study music music theory I
played trumpet for nine years I got
pretty good and when I say I wanted to
become a Miles Davis I had it bad people
would ask me as a little boy would you
go be when you grow up
I had a so bad I started talking like
miles and I’ll tell him I’ve called B
Miles Davis thank God my mother heard me
see it one time
mama heard me said she said son We Need
to Talk we sat down at the kitchen table
she explained to me baby you’re pretty
good with that thing but you can’t beat
Miles Davis ain’t but one and he got
that job and I had to look at the facts
the facts were at 18 years of age Miles
Davis was a New York City player with
Quincy Jones and Dizzy Gillespie at the
same age I was playing with some boys
named Pookie and ray-ray
hey we were good but it wasn’t gonna
happen but the point is another
important decision was made as a young
guy and that decision was I was going to
become world-class at something I just
had to find my button that one thing
that turns you all so much that you
would do it for free
years ago there was this guy named Joe
I’m not gonna say his last name because
I didn’t know it he saw me on Oprah he
sends me an email and he says to me I
saw you on Oprah
I hate Oprah I hate Will Smith and he
used the n-word but he says every time I
see you I don’t see a color I wanted to
hate other people from My Father I’m
going to buy your book because I think
you have helped me change my life that
was one of those things that says chills
through your body I’ll never forget that
so when it was time for me to do my
second book start where you are I
thought well let me just reach out to
this guy and see how he’s doing
get him on the phone and I say hey man
what’s happening and I got a new book
coming out and I want to use your letter
in my book is that okay that’s oh no no
no mr. Gardner please oh don’t do that
you see I finally found out what makes
me happy I am now the drummer in an
afro-cuban reggae band
okay that’s life reimagined and don’t
always look like you thought it were
that was Joe finding his button and you
know maybe it’s time for a lot of us
over 50 to not be looking for a job
maybe it’s time for us to be starting to
find our button and then hit
find it and be bold enough to go after
and accept the fact that ain’t nobody
gotta dig it but you that’s the hard
part because a lot of times we want to
have some external validation like it’s
okay it’s a good thing it’s alright for
you to do that hey ain’t nobody got a
digger but you that’s my mama talking
this is important because we’re all
50-plus now we have to accept that you
know what they’ve been more yesterday’s
then there will be tomorrow’s do I need
to say that again there bear more
yesterday’s then there will be
tomorrow’s losing Holly made that
crystal clear to me and when you find
that button and I can’t tell you how to
find it the truth of the matter is a lot
of us probably already know man you
gotta push it and remember this baby
steps count too as long as you’re going
forward dr. Martin Luther King put it
best for me when he once said you may
not see the whole staircase but you
gotta take the first step we all take
strides when we’re clear we’re certain
and there’s no obstacles you got to take
them baby steps sometimes when you don’t
know and I think the AARP folks are
getting this they know that the old
paradigm is over so the button thing is
front and center for a lot of us right
now we’re looking to discover what’s
next in our lives working volunteering
starting a business all this change
we’re talking about is getting people to
ask questions like how do I use my years
of experience to achieve success on my
terms how do I retool my skills for the
new economy how do i deepen relationship
with families and friends what does fun
come in sometime ago I was on CNN
talking about the
economy and I was saying how important
is to understand that the next wave of
entrepreneurial zest and zeal in this
country is going to be led by people who
are over 50 years old you know why I say
that because those are people who will
let go from key positions in corporate
America in their prime and all these
technical wizards and bright guys that
misses something they’re missing the 3
R’s not to reading writing arithmetic
they’re missing the rep the rap and the
rolodex reputation history in the
business rap you got to be able to
communicate your ideas rolodex mom used
to always say to me boy the best time to
make friends is before you need friends
we’re heading straight into a creator
economy now a creator economy is where a
lot of people are just finding their
buttons they are ordinary passionate
people all over the places that are
doing things that they are truly
passionate about pursuing Big Ideas
innovative solutions being
entrepreneurial think about that the
idea of being a creator is probably a
little unsettling and it’s so contrary
to the life course we’ve grown
accustomed to the steady job career
trajectory and so on
but you know why because this is life
reimagined
this is changing things up this is 50
folks 50 year old folks pushing that
button you see we don’t need to reinvent
ourselves I never really bought into
that whole reinvention thing I mean at
this point we are who we are most of us
have the time we ain’t got the time or
energy to be reinvented nothing what we
do need though is the confidence that
the skills talent and expertise that
we’ve accumulated during our lives can
create values somehow skills telling and
expertise are transferable why not use
them to do something that we love why
not use them to produce something to
build something to love something and
own it this is finding your button and
pushing it this is work reimagine and
that proverbial question is the glass
half-full or the glass half-empty hey my
position is the glasses how full the
other half ain’t yours no way so don’t
worry about it let’s roll with what we
got
a a blank slate and all our imaginations
are right here own it and always be
mindful that the Calvary is not coming
ain’t no backup so what am I gonna do
I’m gonna tell you what I’m gonna do I’m
gonna do three things I’m gonna work
less make more money and enjoy my life
now that might not just that my way that
might sound like something just cocky to
say let me let me talk about that for a
second that ain’t just something cocky
to say work less what does it mean that
means I have no longer willing to do
anything just to make money no matter
how good I am at it I’m no longer
willing to spend another moment a second
a minute of my life doing something just
to make money and the truth of the
matter is when you’re doing something
though that you tremendously excited
about that you’re passionate about that
you’re committed to you probably go be
working harder than you ever worked in
your life but when you’re loving it
that’s not work is it huh that’s not
work I’m telling you make more money
what does that think what does that mean
in my case cut all these expenses man
how many houses can you live in at one
time how many cars can you drive at one
time and get some people out of your
pocket hey hey wait we all got some
people who’ve been living in our pockets
the first people I’m putting out in my
pocket are my children
a lot of us tried to give all our
children everything that we didn’t have
thinking that we were giving them a
better life and you know what we’re not
giving them a better life we just give
them better stuff man my children
develop this highly at one point highly
evolved sense of entitlement they
walking around like they the Lord
chocolate Kennedy’s I’m just being
honest I’m talking about my kids right
you know they’re walking around like we
just gotta like this we just rollin like
this I have to explain to a one-day you
know what hold a whole up y’all not
rolling I’m rolling y’all ride oh
there’s a difference between Ryan and
rolling when you ride you get when you
rollin you get to say when they stop
when you ride you hope it never does
I’ll never forget this one time man I
came home one day and you know I mean I
had to explain to my children and I
don’t believe in using a whole bunch of
bad language but I I did say to my
children when they look at you know what
y’all see all this stuff this is my
stuff
okay I made this you didn’t I came home
one day I’ll never forget this I’m
hearing this arguing in my house and I
walked out what’s going on here my
daughter is eight my son is 12 my
daughter runs up to me she says Papa
tell Chris i’ma get you a Ferrari when
you die
[Applause]
aha they are you whacking up the goods
right she ain’t he 12 K nobody drive
they’re whacking up the goods and this
all happened around Christmastime and I
will never forget it was Christmas time
and report card time and the house
looked like Norman Rockwell’s house we
got the tree up and all the presents
decorated and they bring up these report
cards starting on with the back end of
the alphabet and I told him I says no
you know what Christmas they don’t open
nothin
we will leave everything right here into
that next report card come out man and
lead a trio and all their little friends
came over in january/february what’s up
with the tree man we had a Rottweiler at
the time Bruno Bruno 150 pound
Rottweiler and he opened everything
under that tree ain’t the PlayStation a
hey leave him alone all right but that
was the beginning of me helping them get
it but sometimes like this when this
happens I mean you take some real hard
look looks at your relationships with
your children getting back to cutting
expenses I mean getting people out of
your pocket
enjoy life where does that mean man I’ve
made a commitment to get into the best
physical shape of my life I tell you
something I have recently with a whole
lot of work I’ve dropped 27 pounds 27
pounds thank you thank you you know what
when I came out of the Navy I was 23
years old
220 pounds with a 32 inch waist
now today 58 years old 220 pounds and
the only way I’m gonna have a 32 inch
waist with some radical form of surgical
intervention and ain’t gonna happen but
I’m okay with that
all right the only person happy about my
new body than me is my tailor he’s like
man I cannot take your pants up any more
if I take your pants at one more time in
the back you gonna have a pouch enjoy it
like getting in the best shape of my
life and I want to do work that is
meaningful to me and that means
continuing to work with AARP that means
continuing to rough was in AARP and
every opportunity I get is just with
some folks last night in New York
continuing my work at private equity in
Africa and I’m working on some ideas in
media for instance all let’s talk about
life reimagined what about love
reimagines huh what happens I mean at
the end of the day we all just want to
be healthy and we want to be loved what
happens when you’re single 60 is sexy
don’t answer that well why not some
television for grown folks singles 60 is
sexy I’m working on that okay that’s
love reimagine and that’s a lot that’s
where I’m at and the beautiful thing
about this transitional part of my
relationship with Holly is no regrets
no regrets to have loved and been loved
unconditionally you know what that means
unconditionally that means somebody
knows you and loved you anyway huh
unconditionally one of them the last
thing is that last conversations we had
was her saying to me that you know what
you don’t have to say that you wish we
had done this so you wish we had done
that cause we did everything we did all
that in one of the last things that she
said to me was I don’t want you to cry
because it’s over I want you to smile
because it happened
man girl has some Barry White in a two
so you know and I’m gonna say this I
gotta share this with you when you do
lose a loved one you’re gonna have some
people come in and out and tell you what
you should be doing now somebody in
there know what I’m talking about
you guys are folks come in here and tell
you what you should do now this is what
you need to do okay and then leave and
you’re like right here this is your life
right and all you got some friends let’s
go turn into experts we had this one
Holly had this one friend who found the
one doctor on the internet who
guaranteed he could cure brain cancer on
the Internet now god Northwestern
University Duke University and the
University of Chicago said we know this
is where you have one quack saying I
guarantee I could cure cancer
we don’t see the quack so that creates
an issue with me in the France
so these friends they got to come they
gonna go but this is your life and they
go fly back to New Jersey in New Mexico
wherever they came from
all right that’s part of the experience
of loss but big picture keeping people
close and finding kindred spirits this
is all part of life reimagined for too
long too many of us have been living in
Excel in a place called things it’s time
to come back to a place where there’s
friends families and folks people are
connected I mean that’s what’s important
place where being connected helps us
find our buttons friends families and
folks we all got somewhere because
somebody else helped us somebody else
saw something that maybe at some point
we didn’t see in ourselves and you know
what you can keep on seeking people who
will help bring out your best we can
keep all meeting people anywhere
everywhere people like ourselves people
will share our circumstances understand
our concerns and have common points of
view it’s like very rare said it’s time
to get local it’s time to make it
personal time for two-way conversations
time to build a support network of
people like us and being connected that
is what is important that’s what we find
our power AARP is real clear on where
50-plus people are at
that they feel that they’ve earned the
right to enjoy their work and succeed in
the future and that they know life isn’t
reimagined along so the folks at AARP
are working hard to create space for
this sharing experiences connecting with
mentors exchanging ideas and building
communities and you can count on me to
be your ally to be your personal
advocate because of where I’ve been and
what I’ve been through
people 50-plus are all living in the
same neighborhood not demographically
but chronologically speaking we’re all
in the same space some of these events
if they haven’t happened for you already
they will and it doesn’t matter where
you live or what your zip code is
because chronologically we’re all in the
same space your work life is going to
change your love life is going to change
your relationships with your children
are going to change and when you get to
that point the big questions becomes
what am I going to do with the rest of
my life
so chronologically we’re all in the same
neighborhood
but the good thing is that AARP we got
boots on the ground a couple of years
ago after the movie came out I had this
opportunity to go to the Oscars and I
mean as big as that thing is on
television it’s even bigger in real life
now why am I here I’m not just here I’m
here because the biggest movie star in
the world is nominated for an Academy
Award for playing me so now it’s the
Oscars on steroids I got two tickets to
this thing whoo you go take I take my
daughter hmm man I don’t know anything
about women’s clothes but there’s this
woman a beer away
she’s supposed to be high she made my
daughter address these good folks from
this little company called sure part
let my daughter borrow five hundred
thousand dollars what the diamonds on
her signature which is really my
signature
I’ll walk behind her all night now say
you better not drop nothing you know
where’s my every man and you’re on that
red carpet and you’re surrounded by
every Rockstar movie star wannabe has
been on the planet there’s a pretty
heady experience but the very next week
I had a speaking engagement right here
in New Orleans
the very next week the next Sunday and
sometimes God doesn’t trust my hearing
so he puts me in places to show me
things I do my speaking engagement in
the morning and something said to me go
go see for yourself
I went to a neighborhood called the
Lower Ninth Ward I had never seen
anything so devastating in my entire
life
imagine a cemetery where all of the
tombstones
the churches houses schools and
businesses no people
I see this one little old man he’s
outside he’s he’s cutting the grass with
a push mower I make the driver stop the
car arcade just rolled by I make him
stop the car I go over to the little old
man and I don’t know what else to say
but I say man you got your yard looking
good he looked up at me and he said this
ain’t my yard I live over there
this is my friend’s yard and every time
I cut my grass I cut his because I know
one day my friend is coming home man now
the first thing that went through my
mind is do I have any friends like that
that was not the big question the big
question was have I been that kind of
friend and I know now having lost Holly
that I’ve been that kind of friend
a year later back in New Orleans same
neighborhood same house go over there
and there’s that same little old man
sitting outside but this time he’s not
sitting alone he’s sitting under the
newly planted shade tree and he’s
playing checkers and I could tell by the
look on his face and the smile in his
eyes that his friend had come home
that’s life reimagined we need to
reimagine a place in our lives where
communities mean something sometimes it
takes an encounter with a little old man
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