well now that we can see how short life
really can be what are you gonna do with
the rest of your life that’s a trigger
that’s the biggest trigger that I have
ever experienced what are you gonna do
the rest of your life and what I had to
do is I had to start taking some of my
own advice I have been telling people I
had written about it for a very long
time that if you’re doing something that
you’re not totally committed to if
you’re doing something that you’re not
totally passionate about you’re
compromising yourself every day I met my
best when I’m around people who believe
what I believe I know it seems silly but
I try very very hard to sort of stack
the deck you know to put myself in a
position of strength so for example you
know somebody asked me just yesterday
have you ever had sort of a bad you know
engagement I was thinking myself I’m
like not really but it’s not because I’m
some sort of sort of genius a nice
ending anything like that it’s because I
stack the deck it’s because I want to be
there I want to be around people who
want me there in other words if I’m
somebody’s tenth choice and like you
know I’ll probably turn it down whereas
if I’m their first choice they really
want me there and so I’m more likely to
have a good engagement they’re
supportive of me I’m supportive of them
and so yeah I’m at my best okay when I
stack the deck when I choose to be in an
environment where where my strengths are
are there I was broke do you understand
I was broke
when I was 25 dead broke I’m not talking
about financially broke let me tell you
something no I didn’t have any money in
my pocket I didn’t have any credit cards
nobody would give me credit okay didn’t
have a driver’s license okay
1970 Ford Maverick had a 1970 Ford
Maverick no air no heat no door handles
the freaking floor was rusted okay I
lived in a 275 square foot apartment
maybe 300 square feet if he counted a
little step out in the front of the
front door but 275 a month and I was
late almost every month so don’t tell me
about your money problems man okay don’t
tell me about where you were born don’t
tell me about your bad brakes don’t tell
me about what your daddy did or your
uncle felt you up or something did some
kind of weird thing to you no I’ll ruin
your head or your sister abused you or
whatever okay look we all got problems
you got to fix your problems now you got
to get your money right so 25 years old
online I’m getting my money right I’m
done no more excuses no more crybaby no
more blame I’m getting my freaking money
right whenever you start feeling in your
life like oh my gosh is this all there
is huge red flag number one number two
when you spend your energy being jealous
or having the grass is greener over
there another big wake-up call for you
that you’re ready for a change and then
the other final red flag is if you’re
spending your life waiting to be happy
I’ll be happy when I’ll be happy when I
get married I’ll be happy when I change
my job I’ll be happy when I watch a
business it’s time to change now because
that moments not coming unless you make
it come I’m kind of like a crazy person
on tech prep I do I do time lines and
back stories and I work with a dialect
coach and a movement coach and an acting
coach and I just yeah I need to do a lot
before I show up to certain so I can
throw it all out the window when I get
on set but if I hadn’t done all the work
beforehand I would just be too scared to
did you watch a lot of footage of Tonya
Harding and I’ve watched every single
piece of footage there’s on her a
thousand times over and I would had a
voice in my ipod I’d go to sleep
listening to I mean it would
lived in Tanya Lane for for a long time
we launched Virgin Atlantic 30 years ago
the New York Times did a review and they
did some market research and they said
you know first of all with a name like
virgin it’s not going to go the whole
way but but but SEC but secondly that
and they did market research which said
only 7% of people would fly on an
airline called virgin and and we put our
hands up and said 7% would be just fine
so so we carried on with it but there
were a lot of there were a lot of
skeptics out there and there always will
be lots of skeptics when you want to
start something new everybody will tell
you why it’s a bad idea why you
shouldn’t do it while you’re you don’t
lose everything you’ve got and in the
end you just gotta get out and try to
prove them wrong
but good luck whatever the mind can
conceive and believe the mind can
achieve
isn’t that a profound statement you’ll
notice that it says nothing about the
need for education but simply that’s
whatever your mind can conceive and
believe your mind can achieve now if you
want evidence that the mind can achieve
whatever the mind can conceive without
the benefit of formal education you all
have to remember that Thomas a Edison
conceived the idea of becoming an
inventor and lived to become the world’s
greatest scientists in the field of
invention with only three months of
common school education my dreams are
first everyday then my wife they’re my
kids I could take care of my wife and my
kids now would you agree I abandoned
this this is the fuel for Who I am I
abandon this dream and then I end up I
can’t take care of them and then I’m
gonna tell them what it’s alright that
you didn’t win no it’s not alright if
you don’t win you need to win how many
of you need to win more
okay if you don’t control your
environment folks somebody else is going
to control your environment you guys
have run teams and run organizations if
you do not control your environment
someone else will control your
environment you are being controlled in
your environment right now CNBC CNN
MSNBC the parents the kids the Twitter
the Facebook the YouTube the Google the
snapchats are your environment your
friends and your relatives your uncle’s
your aunts the garbage dump called
planet Earth that you live on is mostly
broken people if you don’t control your
environment it starts with me
when I was 45 years old I’m like I’m
gonna control my environment I’m gonna
take every penny I have all the energy I
have all the resources I have and I’m
gonna improve me if I got to go broke in
the process because I’m already broke
look if you’re not fulfilling your if
you’re not reaching your full potential
every day you’re broke right now I get
it back by remembering that you might
die tomorrow that’s true
so I’m inspired by practicality and
reality and the truth which is it is
ridiculously impossible to become a
human being I am one I have other good
things going for me as a human being and
I’m just grateful you your dwelling and
looking at what you don’t have versus
looking at what you have if you actually
looked at what you had your health you
know living in America you know who the
heck knows what would be on your list if
you actually spend all your time looking
at that versus I don’t have a million
dollars I’m not famous I don’t have this
if you spent all your time on what you
have versus what you don’t have you
would be the happiest girl on earth can
I be honest with you they come
I left out one time across the left side
of my neck one time close right side of
my neck twice through my right ribs cut
out my right PEC bottom of my heart to
the bottom of my hand 350 staples in my
body and they managed me from my neck to
my knees this is not pretty serious and
I gotta be honest with you it was days
to way if I could have laid there I
would have laid there but my spirit said
it’s not me wrong my mentality said
that’s not who you are like I don’t know
about you all but I’m a fighter man I
fight for my goals I fight for my dreams
I fight for the things that I represent
and the things I’m a part of and I dare
you the things that you do the things
that you’re a part of and the things
that you’re connected to I do every
single day to show up and give
everything you’ve got to a day every
single day when you wake up you
understand you represent something a lot
greater than yourself I dare you to go
with 15 representing give everything
you’ve got to it go home to your family
go to your careers give everything
you’ve got to every aspect of your life
now dare you to watch what happens what
you meant as a matter of fact I’ve my
five-year-old son tells me a double dog
thief
in the 18th century there was something
that spread across Europe and eventually
made its way to America
wearable fever also known as the Black
Death of child bed basically what was
happening is women were giving birth and
they would die within 48 hours after
giving birth this Black Death of
childbirth was the ravage of Europe and
it got worse and worse and worse over
the course of over a century in some
hospitals it was as high as 70% of women
who gave birth who would die as a result
of giving birth but this was the
Renaissance this was the time of
empirical data and science and we had
thrown away things like tradition and
mysticism these were men of science
these were doctors and these doctors and
men of science wanted to study and try
and find the reason for this black death
of child bed and so they got to work
studying and they would study the
corpses of the of the women who had died
and in the morning they would conduct
autopsies and then in the afternoon they
would go and deliver babies and finish
their rounds and it wasn’t until
somewhere in the mid 1800s that dr.
Oliver Wendell Holmes father of Supreme
Court justice Oliver Wendell Holmes
realized that all of these doctors who
conducting autopsies in the morning
weren’t washing their hands before they
delivered babies in the afternoon and he
pointed it out and said guys you’re the
problem and they ignored him and called
him crazy for 30 years
until finally somebody realized that if
they simply washed their hands it would
go away and that’s exactly what happened
when they started sterilizing their
instruments and washing their hands the
black death of childbed disappeared my
point is the lesson here is sometimes
you’re the problem
we’ve seen this happen all too recently
with our new men of science and
empirical studies and these menace
finance who are smarter than the rest of
us until the thing collapsed and they
blamed everything else except themselves
and my point is is take accountability
for your actions you can take all the
credit in the world for the things that
you do right as long as you also take
responsibility for the things you do
wrong it must be a balanced equation you
don’t get it one way and not the other
you get to take credit when you also
take accountability you know I’ve heard
a lot of experts say that fear isn’t
real that is such a bunch of baloney
fear is so real in fact there are
probably things that you’re afraid of
doing right now in your life in your
relationships at work and the fact that
you’re afraid that’s robbing you of all
of the experiences that you want to have
in your life I mean if you’re afraid to
fly that’s gonna limit your ability to
travel and see the world or go visit
friends if you’re afraid of public
speaking that’s gonna really limit your
ability to express yourself and share
your ideas if you if you’re afraid of
talking to your boss or asking for a
raise that directly impacts how much
money you make or what if you are
dreaming of starting a business or
you’ve already started a new business
but you’re afraid to talk to people and
you’re afraid to share your business
with people I mean fear is something
that stops us all and that’s why I’m
here to talk to you because it doesn’t
have to fear is real but I am going to
share
a secret weapon that I have used for
years to beat every single fear that
used to stop me now
first before we get into the secret
weapon I just want to cover a few facts
about fear what it is what it isn’t and
some things that you may not know about
fear so first thing fear is a physical
state in your body that is exactly the
same as excitement let me say that again
fear and excitement are the exact same
physical state your heart races
you might sweat a little bit you might
feel tightening in your chest you might
feel a pit in your stomach you have a
surge of cortisol it’s basically the way
that your body goes into a hyper aware
state because it’s readying for action
now what’s the difference between fear
and excitement really simple the only
difference between fear and excitement
is what your brain is doing as your body
is all agitated if you’re excited your
brain is going oh wow this is going to
be so cool to ride this roller coaster
if you’re afraid your brains going oh no
way there’s no way I’m doing that this
is dangerous get out of there don’t do
that it’s saying something different so
what’s critical about understanding this
is that we’re gonna use the fact that
your mind is either working for you for
excitement or against you with fear to
your advantage
I’ll tell you about it in just a minute
how you’re gonna do that second thing I
want you to understand is that you may
have heard the advice feel the fear and
do it anyway you may have heard the
advice oh just try to calm down think
positive thoughts it doesn’t work does
it and there’s a reason why it doesn’t
work so let’s go back to fact number one
when you’re afraid your body’s in a
state of arousal and agitation and your
heart is racing and you’re all like
amped up and you’re hyper aware of
what’s going on and you’re freaking out
a little bit what is it like when you’re
calm
ah it’s just kind of chill right you got
like this low arousal state very very
difficult to go from a state of
agitation of being all jacked up and
excited and weird it out uh to a kind of
state it doesn’t work it’s like trying
to stop a train by throwing a boulder on
the track so it’s gonna make the train
jump off the tracks it’s gonna cause a
disaster in fact they’ve proven in
research that when you try to ignore
your fears it actually makes them worse
and they’ve also proven in research the
positive thinking alone also can make
your fears work worse so what do you do
what do you do when you’re about to go
talk to your boss and you feel afraid
what do you do when you have to get on a
plane and you’re actually terrified of
flying what do you do if you got to give
a presentation and you are afraid of
public speaking here’s what you’re gonna
do you’re gonna use a strategy the same
one that I use that has helped me beat
every single fear and turn me into
somebody that is terrific
when it comes to a high-stress situation
this is how you do it you’re gonna use
my five second rule– in combination
with what I call an anchor thought and
that is going to reframe what your mind
is doing so that your mind goes from
feeling agitation and making you afraid
to reframing it from agitation to
excitement it works like magic now I
have used this technique for years
literally for years and one of the ways
that I want to introduce you to it is I
want to take you backstage I want to
take you backstage to a speech that I
deliver this year and what you’re gonna
see is you’re gonna see me behind you
know the major set I’m about to walk out
you can kind of hear the crowd roaring
my introductory video is playing my body
is in a state of arousal
I am literally my heart is racing my
arms are sweating like it’s like you’re
gonna see this I’m gonna tell you about
it and you’re gonna watch me use this
same technique I’m gonna teach you to
reframe my nerves into excitement the
best
players always follow the best players
they want to be in the top of the game
because they are the ones they are there
you know you cannot rest or sleep
because the other one can pass you
of course we fight with everyone with
the Neymar with the messy with Levin
dusky with Egwene you know with the top
of the best players in the world so I
mean this is not fighting but it’s it’s
it’s hard it’s healthy you know
compressions is healthy and we fight you
know to be the best this is why it’s my
main point it’s my motivation is to be
better than them than them here after
here I kept my job at McKinley and
part-time I started in the financial
services industry and started to build a
team of people and started to get my
licenses and that transition and I
struggled like every upstart
entrepreneur does I think it’s like
three to five years until you really get
a few clients you know not in any
business I don’t care if it’s financial
services tech dry cleaners entrepreneurs
the first five years is just full of
false starts get it going then you don’t
you get it going you take a step forward
you take three back it’s constant false
starts it’s constantly thinking you have
it going it’s constantly negotiating in
your mind the price you’re paying is it
worth that should I quit
should I give in I’m constantly I spent
the first five years daily contemplating
quitting yeah all the time because it’s
not fun it wasn’t fun and and there’s
just a part of you thinking anything
you’re doing when you’re struggling is
this really for me is this my destiny
should I be doing this and we miss Reed
failure from some sign you know is this
a sign I shouldn’t be doing it you know
is this a sign I am you know not cut out
for this instead of looking for signs
that you can win right and so I spent
the first five years literally trying to
find ways to quit trying to find ways to
get out struggling and struggling and
struggling and I went broke I lost a car
and the water turned off in my place I
you know I bought out my first house I
ended up having it foreclosed on
eventually so I’m not that house with
the unicorn’s that you saw writer my
beach place like that’s all the after
people don’t realize that there were
just years and years of of grinding and
struggling and worrying in the beginning
and then then I made some mental changes
and so shift yeah
that altered my life then again here’s a
trick it’s proven by science that I use
every time I speak when I start to sweat
when I start to have butterflies when I
start to have my heart race
I say I’m excited I’m excited to get out
there I’m excited to talk to these
people I’m excited to share the
five-second rule and what that does is
it sends a message to my brain that
tells my brain why my body’s all
agitated and excited and that way I
don’t feel afraid
remember excitement and fear exact same
thing in your body the only difference
is what your brain calls it
[Music]
I’ve never actually thought I was you
know starting a company as such I just
saw situations as I traveled in life
where I felt I could improve on the way
things were being done by other people
so you know so you know one way favorite
phrases is screw it let’s do it like
I’ve used that phrase a lot of times and
we’ve and and we’ve you know we just
love going in and trying to shake up
industries and doing it better than it’s
been done before us and Mandela is a
particularly special case study in the
leadership world because he is
universally regarded as a great leader
you can take other personalities and
depending on the nation you go to we
have different opinions about other
personalities but Nelson Mandela across
the world is universally regarded as a
great leader he was actually the son of
a tribal chief and he was asked one day
how did you learn to be a great leader
and he responded that he would go with
his father to tribal meetings and he
remembers two things when his father
would meet with other elders one they
would always sit in a circle and to his
father was always the last to speak
you will be told your whole life that
you need to learn to listen I would say
that you need to learn to be the last to
speak I see it in boardrooms every day
of the week even people who consider
themselves good leaders who may actually
be decent leaders will walk into a room
and say here’s the problem here’s what I
think but I’m interested in your opinion
let’s go around the room it’s too late
the skill to hold your opinions to
yourself until everyone has spoken does
two things
one it gives everybody else the feeling
that they have been heard it give me
gives everyone else too the ability to
feel that they have contributed and two
you get the benefit of hearing what
everybody else has to think before you
render your opinion the skill is really
to keep your opinions to yourself if you
agree with somebody don’t nod yes if you
disagree with somebody don’t not know
simply sit there take it all in and the
only thing you’re allowed to do is ask
questions so that you can understand
what they mean and why they have the
opinion that they have you must
understand from where they are speaking
why they have the opinion they have not
just what they are saying and at the end
you will get your turn it sounds easy
it’s not practice being the last to
speak
that’s what Nelson Mandela did are you
looking to instigate a change in your
life there’s no better or worse time
than right now hey I understand change
is scary with the status quo you know
what you’ve got and you shake things up
there’s no telling what you might end up
with but two of the things that are true
about change one is absolutely necessary
for personal growth and two is gonna
happen
either you could pick the time to
instigate the change you want or the
change in the time we’ll pick you so if
you happen to be one of those people
who’s standing on the sidelines of your
dreams waiting for their perfect moment
if you want to make that change but you
just don’t know if you’re ready this
life lesson is for you it’s time to stop
digging your potatoes and jump I kind of
grew up in that space that is dangerous
because it’s like a slow asphyxiation
right I grew up what I’d call like
middle-class but probably the lower side
of middle-class too so I think there’s
an I’ve told you this I think there’s an
advantage sometimes you’re going up rich
because you got connections and you see
the right behaviors modeled maybe when
you’re poor a lot of my buddies that are
successful now that were poor they knew
what they didn’t want they were fighting
they learned to struggle they grew up
sooner right they didn’t they couldn’t
make excuses they had to learn to be
self resilient the middle is difficult
because goods the enemy are great right
and so it wasn’t horrible it wasn’t like
there wasn’t food on the table wasn’t
like I didn’t get a present on my
birthday right so you kind of start to
think that’s what life is no one in my
family ever talked about dreaming or
winnin or being wealthy same time they
weren’t really running from something
either so there’s like there was no
stimulus the symmetry only your pores to
get out of there stemis when you’re rich
is to replicate it
there was no stimulus from where I’m
from and so probably the rarest
background when you meet somebody that’s
successful is the middle it’s actually
the rarest but you meet somebody there
from the middle and so a lot of your
listeners come from that place cuz most
people are in the middle right and so
I’m sort of I think an example of some
of the things maybe you would need to do
to get out of that space to move from
good to some some form of greatness in
your life and I just wasn’t afraid to
take the chance in a football stadium
was also groundbreaking you know I don’t
want to do something and not be known
for what I did in my generation I want
to stand out so why not try to make
history which is why I did the football
stadium you know for the 2000 people is
nothing to be frowned upon but what you
gotta look at as a comedian has never
done it so it was all about making a
stamp in an imprint in today’s
generation I had been working my whole
life and what I did understand by being
determined to chase something by being
committed to it and what commitment is
commitment and true to what you said you
were going to
long after the mood that you have said
it in has left you see people think
commitment is saying yes I’ll do it on
the days when it felt good but I’ve been
committed to everything that I ever
started in my life and I never stopped
and I never quit it and so by being
committed to everything that I started I
finished it it built a certain type of
spirit it built a certain type of
mentality it built a certain type of
individual and so now I couldn’t quit
even if I wanted to I couldn’t lay in
the bed even if I wanted to I couldn’t
stop even if I wanted to I had too much
sweat equity in my life and everything
that I was doing because I understood my
existence wasn’t about me I went from me
to we a long time ago I understood the
process is more important than the
product it wasn’t about the outcome for
me once I made it to the NFL or not it
was inconsequential in God’s plan for my
life but I was going to fall in love
with that process because I understood
by falling in love with that process it
was going to turn me into a machine most
people have a belief about what their
real potential isn’t matter what you
tell them and that affects how much
action they take and of course that
affects the result and then ironically
that result reinforces their belief and
then that belief effects it so I’ll give
an example let’s say a person has
unlimited potential we all agree but
they take little action little results
why because they have to start with a
problem with their belief they don’t
believe it’s really gonna happen for me
maybe for Frank Kearns because it got
the cool hair and stuff or maybe it’s
for you because you’re so driven but
it’s not me maybe Tony Robbins cuz he’s
a freak got these big teeth whatever
their father is right they got this
thing right but what happens is if you
believe that there’s very little
potential how much action you’re gonna
take and when you take a little
potential with a little action what kind
of results you get lousy little results
when you have little results what does
that do to your belief you go see I told
you this was a waste of time soldier
this wouldn’t work and then what happens
you tap even less potentially take even
less actually even the worst results and
your belief gets even weaker and this
sucker feeds on itself until you are in
a downward spiral poisonous it’s
poisonous in its self-fulfilling now
what if something could happen that
could come along and fill you with a
sense of absolute certainty not like I
believed but me well you know and you
guys this case mine as well
because we had to because we burned the
boats there was no other option we had
to find a way we had we weren’t gonna
live that way we all did it in different
ways and for different reasons but in
that sense that was it if you get
yourself in a state of certainty that
this is gonna work I’m gonna find the
way and if this is work I will make the
way then you tap a lot more potential
than when you’re certain your potential
you take massive action when you take
massive action you really believe in
something you get great results when you
get great results your brain goes see I
told you I was a stud I told you this
thing would work out now you even
stronger you have more potential take
greater action be results that’s how you
went from 300 bucks in a week to twenty
five hundred and five days to a hundred
thousand and a month to a million bucks
in a day same thing with you and we get
momentum so when the rich get richer the
poor get poorer now some people go out
and they go well I’m gonna take a bunch
of action alright I’m gonna open this
product gonna try it and they’ll say to
you I even did it but it’s like a
Salesman who goes and knocks on the door
he knocks on 100 doors and says verbally
his face says it because he doesn’t
believe it’s gonna work
so his voice his body the execution is
so weak maybe if he talks about other
people somebody’s gonna buy out of pity
I’m gonna want his kids to starve right
but he’s not gonna get the result so the
core difference in people is how do you
produce certain day when the world isn’t
giving it to you you go out and try and
you’re trying your case you’re a hundred
thousand a debt nothing’s working how do
you keep yourself going the way you did
it the way I did it the way you’re doing
it we may not done it consciously is we
didn’t change our potential that was
there and it wasn’t even taking more
action taking more action with beliefs
not gonna works not gonna change
anything we got results in our head that
made us feel certain as if it had
already happened my first 10 years of my
life I remember going being on one plane
with my mom my dad and my brothers and
sisters we went on one trip in 10 years
before that we knew I never did I never
been on a trip we sat in coach and we
flew to Los Angeles and we went to
Disneyland ok and every time we were
every time we look to something
everything was too expensive so and I
was tripping out all I knew was the
people that had the money had the
control they decided when we went to the
Mickey Mouse pancakes shop what rides we
could be on
and and you know fast-forward to today
you know I know I don’t stand in line
when I go to Disneyland I’m like hey
what do I have to pay so I don’t have to
stand in line my dad could have probably
done that too but he wasn’t he didn’t go
to the next level and and for him for my
parents you know you made money you
saved money you protected money and that
was good but but it’s not the only
solution my dad stopped at save the
money and let’s go on a trip you know
rather than hey you know what let’s keep
building let’s keep growing let’s be
obsessed with something monster not just
enough and and because my dad was
satisfied with enough he died at 52 I
don’t know maybe he’d have died at 52
the other way too but when you scale out
dude you can actually live longer
because you’re not doing all the work
anymore I think most change in life is
not about putting on a big cape and
jumping off a cliff or out of an
airplane it’s more like leaning into
something so if you find yourself
daydreaming about something or wishing
that you could change your life start
investigating start having conversations
about it starts leading into change
right I’m the kind of person that
believes you should always make
decisions with your heart and soul you
can use your brain for math you can use
your brain to look at the fine print in
a contract but when it comes to the
actual feel of the decision you always
want to go inward and check it against
your heart and soul how do you do that
here’s the simple test does the decision
that you’re about to make expand you
expand your future or expand the
possibilities of your life if the answer
is yes then the decision is yes no
matter how terrifying it is if you
conversely look at the choice that you
have to make and the decision will
shrink you will silence you will inhibit
you in some way then the answer is no no
matter how easy the decision is no
matter how safe the decision is the
answer is no now one of the things I
want to point out that when you start to
use this does it expand or does it
shrink me
does it open possibilities or does it
keep things closed does it raise my
voice or
it silenced me right is that there’s
always a short-term and a long-term
impact to the decision the short-term
impact to making an expansive decision a
decision that’s based in your heart your
soul
sometimes it’s terrifying because
sometimes it means moving or it means
changing a job or changing a
relationship or having a difficult
conversation or starting something new
and those sorts of things are always
uncomfortable so brace for impact put
the force fields up but make the
decision anyway because the long-term
impact of making a decision from your
heart and soul that is where the best
life comes from because you’re living
for what’s true for you not what’s safe
in the moment your personality
determines whether people are attracted
to you or shy away from you it is the
show window in which you’re you display
your character to the world and it is
the one thing which distinguishes you
from all other human beings it is your
trademark by which you people recognize
you and it is the thing which determines
your success or failure in selling
yourself to life
therefore you should see your
personality just as others see it so you
may improve it where it needs
improvement my story is that I am a
researcher and I never thought I would
have a big public career and so I did a
TED talk that went very viral and in the
wake of that I was kind of everywhere
for a couple of months on every cnn.com
NPR it was everywhere and something I
wasn’t used to and the marching orders
from my therapist and my husband were do
not read the comments online so I read
all the comments online it’s a one
morning I woke up and there were two or
three new articles out and I started
reading the comments and they were
devastating they weren’t about my work
they were about me
they were super personal and they were
the things that created people play in
their mind and then give up doing what
they really want to do like if I asked
every single one of you you would try
what would you try if you knew people
would never say this about you what
would that what would this be it were
those were the comments that morning
of course she embraces imperfection what
choice does she have look what look at
how she looks I feel sorry for her kids
less research more Botox just mean
personal attacks the things that really
up until that moment had inspired me to
stay very small in my life in my career
just so I could avoid those things so
that morning Steve and the kids leave I
stay home I get on the couch and I watch
eight hours of Downton Abbey and when
it’s over I don’t want to turn off
Downton Abbey because I then because
we’ve the minute you turn off Downton
Abbey then it’s like soccer practice and
dinner and back to the mean people and
maybe should I get motox and maybe
now maybe if I stand still when I talk
so I get my laptop and I do a search for
who was president in the United States
during the Downton Abbey era have you
ever done that like you you’re numbing
with TV or movie and so when it’s over
you just like stay in that space by like
learning more about the actors and
what’s going on I’ve been doing this
long enough to know this is like you’re
laughing with me not happening so I put
it in and Theodore Roosevelt comes up
and a quote comes up and I read it and
this is what it says it’s a quote from a
speech that he gave in the early
nineteen hundred’s of the Sorbonne and a
lot of people called the man in the
arena speech and this is the passage
that changed changes my life it’s not
the critic who counts it’s not the man
who points out how the strong man
stumbles or where the doer of Deeds
could have done it better the credit
belongs to the person who’s actually in
the arena whose face is marred with
blood and sweat and dust who at the best
in the end knows the triumph of high
achievement and who at worst if he fails
so the moment that I read that I close
my laptop and this is what shifted in me
three huge things first I spent the last
12 years studying vulnerability and that
quote was everything I know about
vulnerability it is not about winning
it’s not about losing it’s about showing
up and being seen the second thing this
is who I want to be I want to create I
want to make things that didn’t exist
before I touch them I want to show up
and be seen in my work and in my life
and if you’re going to show up and be
seen there is only one guarantee and
that is you will get your ass kicked
that is the guarantee that’s the only
certainty you have if you’re gonna go in
the arena and spend any time in there
whatsoever especially if you’ve
committed to creating in your life you
will get your ass kicked so you have to
decide at that moment I think for all of
us if courage is a value that we hold
this is a consequence you can’t avoid it
the third thing which really set me free
and I think Steve my husband would argue
has made me somewhat dangerous is kind
of a new philosophy about criticism
which is this if you’re not in the arena
also getting your ass kicked I’m not interested in your feedback
really can be what are you gonna do with
the rest of your life that’s a trigger
that’s the biggest trigger that I have
ever experienced what are you gonna do
the rest of your life and what I had to
do is I had to start taking some of my
own advice I have been telling people I
had written about it for a very long
time that if you’re doing something that
you’re not totally committed to if
you’re doing something that you’re not
totally passionate about you’re
compromising yourself every day I met my
best when I’m around people who believe
what I believe I know it seems silly but
I try very very hard to sort of stack
the deck you know to put myself in a
position of strength so for example you
know somebody asked me just yesterday
have you ever had sort of a bad you know
engagement I was thinking myself I’m
like not really but it’s not because I’m
some sort of sort of genius a nice
ending anything like that it’s because I
stack the deck it’s because I want to be
there I want to be around people who
want me there in other words if I’m
somebody’s tenth choice and like you
know I’ll probably turn it down whereas
if I’m their first choice they really
want me there and so I’m more likely to
have a good engagement they’re
supportive of me I’m supportive of them
and so yeah I’m at my best okay when I
stack the deck when I choose to be in an
environment where where my strengths are
are there I was broke do you understand
I was broke
when I was 25 dead broke I’m not talking
about financially broke let me tell you
something no I didn’t have any money in
my pocket I didn’t have any credit cards
nobody would give me credit okay didn’t
have a driver’s license okay
1970 Ford Maverick had a 1970 Ford
Maverick no air no heat no door handles
the freaking floor was rusted okay I
lived in a 275 square foot apartment
maybe 300 square feet if he counted a
little step out in the front of the
front door but 275 a month and I was
late almost every month so don’t tell me
about your money problems man okay don’t
tell me about where you were born don’t
tell me about your bad brakes don’t tell
me about what your daddy did or your
uncle felt you up or something did some
kind of weird thing to you no I’ll ruin
your head or your sister abused you or
whatever okay look we all got problems
you got to fix your problems now you got
to get your money right so 25 years old
online I’m getting my money right I’m
done no more excuses no more crybaby no
more blame I’m getting my freaking money
right whenever you start feeling in your
life like oh my gosh is this all there
is huge red flag number one number two
when you spend your energy being jealous
or having the grass is greener over
there another big wake-up call for you
that you’re ready for a change and then
the other final red flag is if you’re
spending your life waiting to be happy
I’ll be happy when I’ll be happy when I
get married I’ll be happy when I change
my job I’ll be happy when I watch a
business it’s time to change now because
that moments not coming unless you make
it come I’m kind of like a crazy person
on tech prep I do I do time lines and
back stories and I work with a dialect
coach and a movement coach and an acting
coach and I just yeah I need to do a lot
before I show up to certain so I can
throw it all out the window when I get
on set but if I hadn’t done all the work
beforehand I would just be too scared to
did you watch a lot of footage of Tonya
Harding and I’ve watched every single
piece of footage there’s on her a
thousand times over and I would had a
voice in my ipod I’d go to sleep
listening to I mean it would
lived in Tanya Lane for for a long time
we launched Virgin Atlantic 30 years ago
the New York Times did a review and they
did some market research and they said
you know first of all with a name like
virgin it’s not going to go the whole
way but but but SEC but secondly that
and they did market research which said
only 7% of people would fly on an
airline called virgin and and we put our
hands up and said 7% would be just fine
so so we carried on with it but there
were a lot of there were a lot of
skeptics out there and there always will
be lots of skeptics when you want to
start something new everybody will tell
you why it’s a bad idea why you
shouldn’t do it while you’re you don’t
lose everything you’ve got and in the
end you just gotta get out and try to
prove them wrong
but good luck whatever the mind can
conceive and believe the mind can
achieve
isn’t that a profound statement you’ll
notice that it says nothing about the
need for education but simply that’s
whatever your mind can conceive and
believe your mind can achieve now if you
want evidence that the mind can achieve
whatever the mind can conceive without
the benefit of formal education you all
have to remember that Thomas a Edison
conceived the idea of becoming an
inventor and lived to become the world’s
greatest scientists in the field of
invention with only three months of
common school education my dreams are
first everyday then my wife they’re my
kids I could take care of my wife and my
kids now would you agree I abandoned
this this is the fuel for Who I am I
abandon this dream and then I end up I
can’t take care of them and then I’m
gonna tell them what it’s alright that
you didn’t win no it’s not alright if
you don’t win you need to win how many
of you need to win more
okay if you don’t control your
environment folks somebody else is going
to control your environment you guys
have run teams and run organizations if
you do not control your environment
someone else will control your
environment you are being controlled in
your environment right now CNBC CNN
MSNBC the parents the kids the Twitter
the Facebook the YouTube the Google the
snapchats are your environment your
friends and your relatives your uncle’s
your aunts the garbage dump called
planet Earth that you live on is mostly
broken people if you don’t control your
environment it starts with me
when I was 45 years old I’m like I’m
gonna control my environment I’m gonna
take every penny I have all the energy I
have all the resources I have and I’m
gonna improve me if I got to go broke in
the process because I’m already broke
look if you’re not fulfilling your if
you’re not reaching your full potential
every day you’re broke right now I get
it back by remembering that you might
die tomorrow that’s true
so I’m inspired by practicality and
reality and the truth which is it is
ridiculously impossible to become a
human being I am one I have other good
things going for me as a human being and
I’m just grateful you your dwelling and
looking at what you don’t have versus
looking at what you have if you actually
looked at what you had your health you
know living in America you know who the
heck knows what would be on your list if
you actually spend all your time looking
at that versus I don’t have a million
dollars I’m not famous I don’t have this
if you spent all your time on what you
have versus what you don’t have you
would be the happiest girl on earth can
I be honest with you they come
I left out one time across the left side
of my neck one time close right side of
my neck twice through my right ribs cut
out my right PEC bottom of my heart to
the bottom of my hand 350 staples in my
body and they managed me from my neck to
my knees this is not pretty serious and
I gotta be honest with you it was days
to way if I could have laid there I
would have laid there but my spirit said
it’s not me wrong my mentality said
that’s not who you are like I don’t know
about you all but I’m a fighter man I
fight for my goals I fight for my dreams
I fight for the things that I represent
and the things I’m a part of and I dare
you the things that you do the things
that you’re a part of and the things
that you’re connected to I do every
single day to show up and give
everything you’ve got to a day every
single day when you wake up you
understand you represent something a lot
greater than yourself I dare you to go
with 15 representing give everything
you’ve got to it go home to your family
go to your careers give everything
you’ve got to every aspect of your life
now dare you to watch what happens what
you meant as a matter of fact I’ve my
five-year-old son tells me a double dog
thief
in the 18th century there was something
that spread across Europe and eventually
made its way to America
wearable fever also known as the Black
Death of child bed basically what was
happening is women were giving birth and
they would die within 48 hours after
giving birth this Black Death of
childbirth was the ravage of Europe and
it got worse and worse and worse over
the course of over a century in some
hospitals it was as high as 70% of women
who gave birth who would die as a result
of giving birth but this was the
Renaissance this was the time of
empirical data and science and we had
thrown away things like tradition and
mysticism these were men of science
these were doctors and these doctors and
men of science wanted to study and try
and find the reason for this black death
of child bed and so they got to work
studying and they would study the
corpses of the of the women who had died
and in the morning they would conduct
autopsies and then in the afternoon they
would go and deliver babies and finish
their rounds and it wasn’t until
somewhere in the mid 1800s that dr.
Oliver Wendell Holmes father of Supreme
Court justice Oliver Wendell Holmes
realized that all of these doctors who
conducting autopsies in the morning
weren’t washing their hands before they
delivered babies in the afternoon and he
pointed it out and said guys you’re the
problem and they ignored him and called
him crazy for 30 years
until finally somebody realized that if
they simply washed their hands it would
go away and that’s exactly what happened
when they started sterilizing their
instruments and washing their hands the
black death of childbed disappeared my
point is the lesson here is sometimes
you’re the problem
we’ve seen this happen all too recently
with our new men of science and
empirical studies and these menace
finance who are smarter than the rest of
us until the thing collapsed and they
blamed everything else except themselves
and my point is is take accountability
for your actions you can take all the
credit in the world for the things that
you do right as long as you also take
responsibility for the things you do
wrong it must be a balanced equation you
don’t get it one way and not the other
you get to take credit when you also
take accountability you know I’ve heard
a lot of experts say that fear isn’t
real that is such a bunch of baloney
fear is so real in fact there are
probably things that you’re afraid of
doing right now in your life in your
relationships at work and the fact that
you’re afraid that’s robbing you of all
of the experiences that you want to have
in your life I mean if you’re afraid to
fly that’s gonna limit your ability to
travel and see the world or go visit
friends if you’re afraid of public
speaking that’s gonna really limit your
ability to express yourself and share
your ideas if you if you’re afraid of
talking to your boss or asking for a
raise that directly impacts how much
money you make or what if you are
dreaming of starting a business or
you’ve already started a new business
but you’re afraid to talk to people and
you’re afraid to share your business
with people I mean fear is something
that stops us all and that’s why I’m
here to talk to you because it doesn’t
have to fear is real but I am going to
share
a secret weapon that I have used for
years to beat every single fear that
used to stop me now
first before we get into the secret
weapon I just want to cover a few facts
about fear what it is what it isn’t and
some things that you may not know about
fear so first thing fear is a physical
state in your body that is exactly the
same as excitement let me say that again
fear and excitement are the exact same
physical state your heart races
you might sweat a little bit you might
feel tightening in your chest you might
feel a pit in your stomach you have a
surge of cortisol it’s basically the way
that your body goes into a hyper aware
state because it’s readying for action
now what’s the difference between fear
and excitement really simple the only
difference between fear and excitement
is what your brain is doing as your body
is all agitated if you’re excited your
brain is going oh wow this is going to
be so cool to ride this roller coaster
if you’re afraid your brains going oh no
way there’s no way I’m doing that this
is dangerous get out of there don’t do
that it’s saying something different so
what’s critical about understanding this
is that we’re gonna use the fact that
your mind is either working for you for
excitement or against you with fear to
your advantage
I’ll tell you about it in just a minute
how you’re gonna do that second thing I
want you to understand is that you may
have heard the advice feel the fear and
do it anyway you may have heard the
advice oh just try to calm down think
positive thoughts it doesn’t work does
it and there’s a reason why it doesn’t
work so let’s go back to fact number one
when you’re afraid your body’s in a
state of arousal and agitation and your
heart is racing and you’re all like
amped up and you’re hyper aware of
what’s going on and you’re freaking out
a little bit what is it like when you’re
calm
ah it’s just kind of chill right you got
like this low arousal state very very
difficult to go from a state of
agitation of being all jacked up and
excited and weird it out uh to a kind of
state it doesn’t work it’s like trying
to stop a train by throwing a boulder on
the track so it’s gonna make the train
jump off the tracks it’s gonna cause a
disaster in fact they’ve proven in
research that when you try to ignore
your fears it actually makes them worse
and they’ve also proven in research the
positive thinking alone also can make
your fears work worse so what do you do
what do you do when you’re about to go
talk to your boss and you feel afraid
what do you do when you have to get on a
plane and you’re actually terrified of
flying what do you do if you got to give
a presentation and you are afraid of
public speaking here’s what you’re gonna
do you’re gonna use a strategy the same
one that I use that has helped me beat
every single fear and turn me into
somebody that is terrific
when it comes to a high-stress situation
this is how you do it you’re gonna use
my five second rule– in combination
with what I call an anchor thought and
that is going to reframe what your mind
is doing so that your mind goes from
feeling agitation and making you afraid
to reframing it from agitation to
excitement it works like magic now I
have used this technique for years
literally for years and one of the ways
that I want to introduce you to it is I
want to take you backstage I want to
take you backstage to a speech that I
deliver this year and what you’re gonna
see is you’re gonna see me behind you
know the major set I’m about to walk out
you can kind of hear the crowd roaring
my introductory video is playing my body
is in a state of arousal
I am literally my heart is racing my
arms are sweating like it’s like you’re
gonna see this I’m gonna tell you about
it and you’re gonna watch me use this
same technique I’m gonna teach you to
reframe my nerves into excitement the
best
players always follow the best players
they want to be in the top of the game
because they are the ones they are there
you know you cannot rest or sleep
because the other one can pass you
of course we fight with everyone with
the Neymar with the messy with Levin
dusky with Egwene you know with the top
of the best players in the world so I
mean this is not fighting but it’s it’s
it’s hard it’s healthy you know
compressions is healthy and we fight you
know to be the best this is why it’s my
main point it’s my motivation is to be
better than them than them here after
here I kept my job at McKinley and
part-time I started in the financial
services industry and started to build a
team of people and started to get my
licenses and that transition and I
struggled like every upstart
entrepreneur does I think it’s like
three to five years until you really get
a few clients you know not in any
business I don’t care if it’s financial
services tech dry cleaners entrepreneurs
the first five years is just full of
false starts get it going then you don’t
you get it going you take a step forward
you take three back it’s constant false
starts it’s constantly thinking you have
it going it’s constantly negotiating in
your mind the price you’re paying is it
worth that should I quit
should I give in I’m constantly I spent
the first five years daily contemplating
quitting yeah all the time because it’s
not fun it wasn’t fun and and there’s
just a part of you thinking anything
you’re doing when you’re struggling is
this really for me is this my destiny
should I be doing this and we miss Reed
failure from some sign you know is this
a sign I shouldn’t be doing it you know
is this a sign I am you know not cut out
for this instead of looking for signs
that you can win right and so I spent
the first five years literally trying to
find ways to quit trying to find ways to
get out struggling and struggling and
struggling and I went broke I lost a car
and the water turned off in my place I
you know I bought out my first house I
ended up having it foreclosed on
eventually so I’m not that house with
the unicorn’s that you saw writer my
beach place like that’s all the after
people don’t realize that there were
just years and years of of grinding and
struggling and worrying in the beginning
and then then I made some mental changes
and so shift yeah
that altered my life then again here’s a
trick it’s proven by science that I use
every time I speak when I start to sweat
when I start to have butterflies when I
start to have my heart race
I say I’m excited I’m excited to get out
there I’m excited to talk to these
people I’m excited to share the
five-second rule and what that does is
it sends a message to my brain that
tells my brain why my body’s all
agitated and excited and that way I
don’t feel afraid
remember excitement and fear exact same
thing in your body the only difference
is what your brain calls it
[Music]
I’ve never actually thought I was you
know starting a company as such I just
saw situations as I traveled in life
where I felt I could improve on the way
things were being done by other people
so you know so you know one way favorite
phrases is screw it let’s do it like
I’ve used that phrase a lot of times and
we’ve and and we’ve you know we just
love going in and trying to shake up
industries and doing it better than it’s
been done before us and Mandela is a
particularly special case study in the
leadership world because he is
universally regarded as a great leader
you can take other personalities and
depending on the nation you go to we
have different opinions about other
personalities but Nelson Mandela across
the world is universally regarded as a
great leader he was actually the son of
a tribal chief and he was asked one day
how did you learn to be a great leader
and he responded that he would go with
his father to tribal meetings and he
remembers two things when his father
would meet with other elders one they
would always sit in a circle and to his
father was always the last to speak
you will be told your whole life that
you need to learn to listen I would say
that you need to learn to be the last to
speak I see it in boardrooms every day
of the week even people who consider
themselves good leaders who may actually
be decent leaders will walk into a room
and say here’s the problem here’s what I
think but I’m interested in your opinion
let’s go around the room it’s too late
the skill to hold your opinions to
yourself until everyone has spoken does
two things
one it gives everybody else the feeling
that they have been heard it give me
gives everyone else too the ability to
feel that they have contributed and two
you get the benefit of hearing what
everybody else has to think before you
render your opinion the skill is really
to keep your opinions to yourself if you
agree with somebody don’t nod yes if you
disagree with somebody don’t not know
simply sit there take it all in and the
only thing you’re allowed to do is ask
questions so that you can understand
what they mean and why they have the
opinion that they have you must
understand from where they are speaking
why they have the opinion they have not
just what they are saying and at the end
you will get your turn it sounds easy
it’s not practice being the last to
speak
that’s what Nelson Mandela did are you
looking to instigate a change in your
life there’s no better or worse time
than right now hey I understand change
is scary with the status quo you know
what you’ve got and you shake things up
there’s no telling what you might end up
with but two of the things that are true
about change one is absolutely necessary
for personal growth and two is gonna
happen
either you could pick the time to
instigate the change you want or the
change in the time we’ll pick you so if
you happen to be one of those people
who’s standing on the sidelines of your
dreams waiting for their perfect moment
if you want to make that change but you
just don’t know if you’re ready this
life lesson is for you it’s time to stop
digging your potatoes and jump I kind of
grew up in that space that is dangerous
because it’s like a slow asphyxiation
right I grew up what I’d call like
middle-class but probably the lower side
of middle-class too so I think there’s
an I’ve told you this I think there’s an
advantage sometimes you’re going up rich
because you got connections and you see
the right behaviors modeled maybe when
you’re poor a lot of my buddies that are
successful now that were poor they knew
what they didn’t want they were fighting
they learned to struggle they grew up
sooner right they didn’t they couldn’t
make excuses they had to learn to be
self resilient the middle is difficult
because goods the enemy are great right
and so it wasn’t horrible it wasn’t like
there wasn’t food on the table wasn’t
like I didn’t get a present on my
birthday right so you kind of start to
think that’s what life is no one in my
family ever talked about dreaming or
winnin or being wealthy same time they
weren’t really running from something
either so there’s like there was no
stimulus the symmetry only your pores to
get out of there stemis when you’re rich
is to replicate it
there was no stimulus from where I’m
from and so probably the rarest
background when you meet somebody that’s
successful is the middle it’s actually
the rarest but you meet somebody there
from the middle and so a lot of your
listeners come from that place cuz most
people are in the middle right and so
I’m sort of I think an example of some
of the things maybe you would need to do
to get out of that space to move from
good to some some form of greatness in
your life and I just wasn’t afraid to
take the chance in a football stadium
was also groundbreaking you know I don’t
want to do something and not be known
for what I did in my generation I want
to stand out so why not try to make
history which is why I did the football
stadium you know for the 2000 people is
nothing to be frowned upon but what you
gotta look at as a comedian has never
done it so it was all about making a
stamp in an imprint in today’s
generation I had been working my whole
life and what I did understand by being
determined to chase something by being
committed to it and what commitment is
commitment and true to what you said you
were going to
long after the mood that you have said
it in has left you see people think
commitment is saying yes I’ll do it on
the days when it felt good but I’ve been
committed to everything that I ever
started in my life and I never stopped
and I never quit it and so by being
committed to everything that I started I
finished it it built a certain type of
spirit it built a certain type of
mentality it built a certain type of
individual and so now I couldn’t quit
even if I wanted to I couldn’t lay in
the bed even if I wanted to I couldn’t
stop even if I wanted to I had too much
sweat equity in my life and everything
that I was doing because I understood my
existence wasn’t about me I went from me
to we a long time ago I understood the
process is more important than the
product it wasn’t about the outcome for
me once I made it to the NFL or not it
was inconsequential in God’s plan for my
life but I was going to fall in love
with that process because I understood
by falling in love with that process it
was going to turn me into a machine most
people have a belief about what their
real potential isn’t matter what you
tell them and that affects how much
action they take and of course that
affects the result and then ironically
that result reinforces their belief and
then that belief effects it so I’ll give
an example let’s say a person has
unlimited potential we all agree but
they take little action little results
why because they have to start with a
problem with their belief they don’t
believe it’s really gonna happen for me
maybe for Frank Kearns because it got
the cool hair and stuff or maybe it’s
for you because you’re so driven but
it’s not me maybe Tony Robbins cuz he’s
a freak got these big teeth whatever
their father is right they got this
thing right but what happens is if you
believe that there’s very little
potential how much action you’re gonna
take and when you take a little
potential with a little action what kind
of results you get lousy little results
when you have little results what does
that do to your belief you go see I told
you this was a waste of time soldier
this wouldn’t work and then what happens
you tap even less potentially take even
less actually even the worst results and
your belief gets even weaker and this
sucker feeds on itself until you are in
a downward spiral poisonous it’s
poisonous in its self-fulfilling now
what if something could happen that
could come along and fill you with a
sense of absolute certainty not like I
believed but me well you know and you
guys this case mine as well
because we had to because we burned the
boats there was no other option we had
to find a way we had we weren’t gonna
live that way we all did it in different
ways and for different reasons but in
that sense that was it if you get
yourself in a state of certainty that
this is gonna work I’m gonna find the
way and if this is work I will make the
way then you tap a lot more potential
than when you’re certain your potential
you take massive action when you take
massive action you really believe in
something you get great results when you
get great results your brain goes see I
told you I was a stud I told you this
thing would work out now you even
stronger you have more potential take
greater action be results that’s how you
went from 300 bucks in a week to twenty
five hundred and five days to a hundred
thousand and a month to a million bucks
in a day same thing with you and we get
momentum so when the rich get richer the
poor get poorer now some people go out
and they go well I’m gonna take a bunch
of action alright I’m gonna open this
product gonna try it and they’ll say to
you I even did it but it’s like a
Salesman who goes and knocks on the door
he knocks on 100 doors and says verbally
his face says it because he doesn’t
believe it’s gonna work
so his voice his body the execution is
so weak maybe if he talks about other
people somebody’s gonna buy out of pity
I’m gonna want his kids to starve right
but he’s not gonna get the result so the
core difference in people is how do you
produce certain day when the world isn’t
giving it to you you go out and try and
you’re trying your case you’re a hundred
thousand a debt nothing’s working how do
you keep yourself going the way you did
it the way I did it the way you’re doing
it we may not done it consciously is we
didn’t change our potential that was
there and it wasn’t even taking more
action taking more action with beliefs
not gonna works not gonna change
anything we got results in our head that
made us feel certain as if it had
already happened my first 10 years of my
life I remember going being on one plane
with my mom my dad and my brothers and
sisters we went on one trip in 10 years
before that we knew I never did I never
been on a trip we sat in coach and we
flew to Los Angeles and we went to
Disneyland ok and every time we were
every time we look to something
everything was too expensive so and I
was tripping out all I knew was the
people that had the money had the
control they decided when we went to the
Mickey Mouse pancakes shop what rides we
could be on
and and you know fast-forward to today
you know I know I don’t stand in line
when I go to Disneyland I’m like hey
what do I have to pay so I don’t have to
stand in line my dad could have probably
done that too but he wasn’t he didn’t go
to the next level and and for him for my
parents you know you made money you
saved money you protected money and that
was good but but it’s not the only
solution my dad stopped at save the
money and let’s go on a trip you know
rather than hey you know what let’s keep
building let’s keep growing let’s be
obsessed with something monster not just
enough and and because my dad was
satisfied with enough he died at 52 I
don’t know maybe he’d have died at 52
the other way too but when you scale out
dude you can actually live longer
because you’re not doing all the work
anymore I think most change in life is
not about putting on a big cape and
jumping off a cliff or out of an
airplane it’s more like leaning into
something so if you find yourself
daydreaming about something or wishing
that you could change your life start
investigating start having conversations
about it starts leading into change
right I’m the kind of person that
believes you should always make
decisions with your heart and soul you
can use your brain for math you can use
your brain to look at the fine print in
a contract but when it comes to the
actual feel of the decision you always
want to go inward and check it against
your heart and soul how do you do that
here’s the simple test does the decision
that you’re about to make expand you
expand your future or expand the
possibilities of your life if the answer
is yes then the decision is yes no
matter how terrifying it is if you
conversely look at the choice that you
have to make and the decision will
shrink you will silence you will inhibit
you in some way then the answer is no no
matter how easy the decision is no
matter how safe the decision is the
answer is no now one of the things I
want to point out that when you start to
use this does it expand or does it
shrink me
does it open possibilities or does it
keep things closed does it raise my
voice or
it silenced me right is that there’s
always a short-term and a long-term
impact to the decision the short-term
impact to making an expansive decision a
decision that’s based in your heart your
soul
sometimes it’s terrifying because
sometimes it means moving or it means
changing a job or changing a
relationship or having a difficult
conversation or starting something new
and those sorts of things are always
uncomfortable so brace for impact put
the force fields up but make the
decision anyway because the long-term
impact of making a decision from your
heart and soul that is where the best
life comes from because you’re living
for what’s true for you not what’s safe
in the moment your personality
determines whether people are attracted
to you or shy away from you it is the
show window in which you’re you display
your character to the world and it is
the one thing which distinguishes you
from all other human beings it is your
trademark by which you people recognize
you and it is the thing which determines
your success or failure in selling
yourself to life
therefore you should see your
personality just as others see it so you
may improve it where it needs
improvement my story is that I am a
researcher and I never thought I would
have a big public career and so I did a
TED talk that went very viral and in the
wake of that I was kind of everywhere
for a couple of months on every cnn.com
NPR it was everywhere and something I
wasn’t used to and the marching orders
from my therapist and my husband were do
not read the comments online so I read
all the comments online it’s a one
morning I woke up and there were two or
three new articles out and I started
reading the comments and they were
devastating they weren’t about my work
they were about me
they were super personal and they were
the things that created people play in
their mind and then give up doing what
they really want to do like if I asked
every single one of you you would try
what would you try if you knew people
would never say this about you what
would that what would this be it were
those were the comments that morning
of course she embraces imperfection what
choice does she have look what look at
how she looks I feel sorry for her kids
less research more Botox just mean
personal attacks the things that really
up until that moment had inspired me to
stay very small in my life in my career
just so I could avoid those things so
that morning Steve and the kids leave I
stay home I get on the couch and I watch
eight hours of Downton Abbey and when
it’s over I don’t want to turn off
Downton Abbey because I then because
we’ve the minute you turn off Downton
Abbey then it’s like soccer practice and
dinner and back to the mean people and
maybe should I get motox and maybe
now maybe if I stand still when I talk
so I get my laptop and I do a search for
who was president in the United States
during the Downton Abbey era have you
ever done that like you you’re numbing
with TV or movie and so when it’s over
you just like stay in that space by like
learning more about the actors and
what’s going on I’ve been doing this
long enough to know this is like you’re
laughing with me not happening so I put
it in and Theodore Roosevelt comes up
and a quote comes up and I read it and
this is what it says it’s a quote from a
speech that he gave in the early
nineteen hundred’s of the Sorbonne and a
lot of people called the man in the
arena speech and this is the passage
that changed changes my life it’s not
the critic who counts it’s not the man
who points out how the strong man
stumbles or where the doer of Deeds
could have done it better the credit
belongs to the person who’s actually in
the arena whose face is marred with
blood and sweat and dust who at the best
in the end knows the triumph of high
achievement and who at worst if he fails
so the moment that I read that I close
my laptop and this is what shifted in me
three huge things first I spent the last
12 years studying vulnerability and that
quote was everything I know about
vulnerability it is not about winning
it’s not about losing it’s about showing
up and being seen the second thing this
is who I want to be I want to create I
want to make things that didn’t exist
before I touch them I want to show up
and be seen in my work and in my life
and if you’re going to show up and be
seen there is only one guarantee and
that is you will get your ass kicked
that is the guarantee that’s the only
certainty you have if you’re gonna go in
the arena and spend any time in there
whatsoever especially if you’ve
committed to creating in your life you
will get your ass kicked so you have to
decide at that moment I think for all of
us if courage is a value that we hold
this is a consequence you can’t avoid it
the third thing which really set me free
and I think Steve my husband would argue
has made me somewhat dangerous is kind
of a new philosophy about criticism
which is this if you’re not in the arena
also getting your ass kicked I’m not interested in your feedback
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