you want to believe nation today we’re
going to talk about five ways to improve
your communication skills connecting
increases your influence in every
situation for the foundation of the
teaching today I want to make sure that
we really have a grasp of why connecting
with people is so vital so if you’ll go
to the very first sentence in your note
to the number one criteria for
advancement and promotion for
professionals is an ability to
communicate effectively that I do
believe I think the ability to connect
and communicate so number one criteria
for success with your family with your
marriage with your children with your
friends in the workplace the marketplace
in the community if you have the ability
to connect with people if you can
communicate and connect not just
communicate it takes you and literally
gives you an eye a decided edge over
others in the advancement of what we’re
trying to accomplish
I’d like to suggest that there are four
really powerful cornerstones foundations
that we can stand on if we want our
speech to be powerful and to make change
in the world fortunately these things
spell a word the word is hail and it has
a great definition as well I’m not
talking about the stuff that falls from
the sky and hits you on the head I’m
talking about this definition to greet
or acclaim enthusiastically which is I
think how our words will be received if
we stand on these four things so what do
they stand for see if you can guess the
H honesty of course being true in what
you say being straight and clear the a
is authenticity just being yourself a
friend of mine described it as standing
in your own truth which i think is a
lovely way to put it
the i’ is integrity being your word
actually doing what you say and being
somebody people can trust and the L is
love I don’t mean romantic love but I do
mean wishing people well for two reasons
first of all I think absolute honesty
may not be what we want I mean my
goodness you look ugly this morning and
perhaps that’s not necessary tempered
with love of course honesty is a great
thing but also if you’re really wishing
somebody well it’s very hard to judge
them at the same time I’m not even sure
you can do those two things
simultaneously
so hail also now that’s what you say and
it’s like the old song it is what you
say it’s also the way that you say it
you have an amazing toolbox this
instrument is incredible and yet this is
a toolbox that very few people have ever
opened I’d like to have a little rum
egde in there with you now just pull a
few tools out that you might like to
take away and play with which will
increase the power of your speaking
register for example now falsetto
register may not be very useful most of
the time but there’s a register in
between I’m not going to get very
technical about this for any of you who
are voice coaches you can locate your
voice however so if I talk up here and
my nose you can hear the difference if I
go down here and my throat which is
where most of us speak from most of the
time
but if you want weight you need to go
down here to the chest you hear the
difference we vote for politicians with
lower voices it’s true because we
associate depth with power and with
authority
that’s register and we have Tambor it’s
the the way your voice feels again the
research shows that we prefer voices
which are rich smooth warm like hot
chocolate well if that’s not you that’s
not the end of the world because you can
train go get a voice coach and there are
amazing things you can do with breathing
with posture with exercises to improve
the timbre of your voice then pros of
the aisle of pros idli this is the sings
on the meta language that we use in
order to impart meaning it’s route 1 for
meaning in conversation people who speak
all on one note are really quite hard to
listen to if they don’t have any prose
idea at all that’s where the word
monotonic comes from or monotonous
monotone also we have repetitive prose
idli now coming in where every sentence
ends as if it were a question when it’s
actually not a question it’s a statement
and if you repeat that one over and over
it’s actually restricting your ability
to communicate through prose adiy which
i think is a shame so let’s try and
break that habit pace I can get very
very excited by saying something really
really quickly or I can slow right down
to emphasize and at the end of that of
course is our old friend silence it’s
nothing wrong with a bit of silence in a
talk is there we don’t have to fill it
the thumbs and ours can be very powerful
of course pitch often goes along with
pace to indicate arousal but you can do
it just with pitch where did you leave
my keys where did you leave my keys it’s
a slightly different meaning in those
two deliveries and finally volume I can
get really excited by using volume sorry
about that if I startled anybody or I
can have you really pay attention by
getting very quiet
some people broadcast the whole time try
not to do that that’s called sod casting
imposing your sound on people around you
carelessly and inconsiderately not nice
of course where this all comes into play
most of all is when you’ve got something
really important to do it might be
standing on a stage like this and giving
a talk to people it might be proposing
marriage asking for a raise a wedding
speech whatever it is if it’s really
important you owe it to yourself to look
at this tool box and the engine that
it’s going to work on and no engine
works well without being warmed up warm
up your voice I can say to you continue
to do what you’re doing and working on
yourself and working on your mindset and
your presentation power because once you
open your mouth as he said the world
will now know who you are
your ability and write this down to tell
your story is key its major and how you
present yourself 101 why is that
important mr. Brown because when you
meet someone and you want to do business
with them people are asking three
questions one on one small groups of
large groups they’re asking
who are you what do you have and why
should I care that’s what they’re asking
because in the business where you are
trust is important am I correct
confidence is important am I correct
it’s a lot of skepticism around the
industry because of things that have
happened a major investment that people
have to make am i correct so now they’re
looking at you who are you and so your
ability to tell your story who are you
what do you have your ability to
communicate that in a way that will
connect with people in a way that will
expand their minds in a way that will
touch their heart in a way that will
cause them to say this is the person
that I want to put my trust in this is a
person that I believe in this major
decision that our family is about to
make now that we should go with how many
of you know that’s real raise your hands
please
one of the things I observe is simply
this a lot of people are very careless
with their language and so you know
there’s a huge shift you can either be a
victim or you can be a leader but you
can’t be both and if you look at someone
who is a victim a lot of their
victimhood comes down to the words they
use I mean the words you use either lift
up your energy the words you use either
make you more creative the words you use
either allow you to do world-class
things or the words you use deny your
talents the words you use could reduce
your energy the words you use could hurt
your leadership so you have a choice
every day at work and at home and out on
the streets with strangers you can
develop a victim vocabulary or the
language of leadership and in this
mastery session I want to walk you
through some of my insights on those
well words are powerful I mean words
have destroyed nations I mean think
about the great dictators they’re words
of hatred they’re words of toxicity
they’re words of breakdown cause the
people around them to do sometimes
incredibly terrifying acts and then you
look at people like a Nelson Mandela or
much
luther king jr. or mother teresa you
look at the great business builders you
look at humanitarians you look at a lot
of the great artists and they were so
careful with their words and their words
lifted people up and that’s really what
great leaders do they use the language
of leadership you look at a victim and
they say things like this is a problem
I’ve got a problem right here or I’m
really scared about this or I hate that
client or I hate this work or I’m sick
of this day or I’m exhausted
or I don’t like that or she never likes
me it’s literally the language of
toxicity and the words you use really
are like a context or a framework or a
stained-glass window on the way you see
the world I mean here’s a game-changing
insight you see the world not as it is
you see the world as you are you see the
world through a lens and your language
forms that lens of belief I mean your
lens of belief and your personal filter
on reality is not really a true filter
on reality it’s just the filter on
reality that has formed as a result of
all the words you’ve picked up from the
moment you were born so when you were a
little baby
your mum and your dad use the language
that they were taught when they were
kids to use and if they use the language
of victim itis and if they lose the
language of victimhood like well you
know you can’t do this I hate this I’m
tired of this money doesn’t grow on
trees be ordinary if you’re successful
you’ll be hated all that messaging that
we pick up from our parents and the
media and the world around us and our
peers the little kids that we used to
play with in the playground or the
friends that we had is teenagers that
will either lift us up or tear us down
so I guess what I’m trying to say and
hopefully I’m making the point clearly
for you but we see the world through
this personal filter and a lot of this
personal filter that drives our
performance and our behavior is really
constructed from the words that we’ve
picked up and then the words we are
taught to use and so the
right-angle turn for you to create
exponential energy mindset productivity
creativity results in the world results
in your life comes down to in part a
really intelligent use of your words and
like I said at the beginning of this
mastery session most people are really
unconscious about their words and that’s
why most people are not getting rare
error results so what are some of the
words I encourage you to shift from well
don’t talk about what you hate to do
talk about what you love to do don’t
talk about problems talk about
opportunities don’t talk about what
makes you tired talk about what makes
you inspired don’t talk about your past
talk about your future don’t talk about
what broke your heart
talk about what opens your heart don’t
talk about what de spirits you talk
about what you are fueled by don’t talk
about the things within your life that
are not working talk about the things in
your life that are working don’t talk
about your pain talk about your pleasure
and you know if I if I were sitting with
you right now coaching you I mean I am
coaching you and what I would encourage
you to do as soon as I finish this
mastery session is pull out your journal
and if you’re not journaling please
start journaling because journaling is a
ritual you want to install into your
days Joan Didion said this I don’t know
what I think until I write it down think
about that I don’t know what I think
until I write it down and so in your
journal after this mastery session pull
out a fresh page and draw a line down
the center of the page and write about
the language of victimhood and the
language of leadership leadership and
start to write down all the words you
use in the sentences you employ that
really are speaking that are really
victims speak and then in the other
column I want to start writing down the
language of leadership the language that
of today you will be committed to using
so that you start to use the language of
some of those world class and I’ve given
you some examples but doing that
exercise will make it really clear and
as you know clarity breeds mastery
bottom line is this you are built to be
a leader you are not constructed to be a
victim and once you get your words right
you are going to start noticing daily
shifts in your energy your focus your
momentum your confidence and your output
and when you start getting those words
right you start lifting your
professional life your personal life to
a whole new level of wow and guess what
that is what you are meant to do many
nervous speakers distance themselves
physically if you’ve ever seen a nervous
speaker present he or she will say
something like this welcome I am really
excited to be here with you they pull as
far away from you as possible because
you threatened us speakers you make us
nervous so we want to get away from you
we do the same thing linguistically we
use language that distances ourselves
it’s not unusual to hear a nervous
speaker say something like one must
consider the ramifications or today
we’re going to cover step 1 step 2 step
3
that’s very distancing language to be
more conversational use conversational
language instead of one must consider
say this is important to you we all need
to be concerned with do you hear that
inclusive conversational language has to
do with the pronouns instead of step 1
step 2 step 3 first what we need to do
is this the second thing you should
consider is here use conversational
language rapport is power earlier today
we said anything you want to achieve
anything you want to learn master
experience there’s somebody out there
who has a life experience the
understanding the network the capital
the thing you need to be able to achieve
it but they’re not going to give you
what they want or they’ll give you what
you want rather a need until you first
give them what they want need and you’re
not even going to find out what they
want need until you first
get in a relationship of rapport if you
don’t do that you’re never gonna learn
anything report our what is a
relationship of rapport rapport means
total responsiveness between people when
someone is totally responding to you and
you’re totally responding that you’re in
rapport there’s that connection it’s
that spark that happens in certain
communications or relationships now
everybody wants to create rapport have
it but most people only get rapport with
people who are like whom themselves and
they lose with everybody else which
means you’ve got a very limited world so
we want to take it to a different level
so let’s say for example if I said to
you right now guys I want you to go out
to a local restaurant or bar and I want
you to meet somebody
and I want you to develop rapport with
them I can actual them how many feel
like you to do that no problem say I and
if you’re not raising your hand you’re
probably selling yourself short of
course you could how would you do it
though you walk in this restaurant a bar
you meet somebody and you engage them in
conversation by asking a few what
questions now is it possible to ask a
few questions and have a conversation go
boom just die is that possible yes or no
so questions don’t create rapport
questions or a tool use to dig for
something what are you digging for we
ask these questions you’re trying to
find something in what that’s right so
write your notes rapport is created by a
feeling of commonality rapport is
created by a feeling of commonality
rapport is created by a feeling of
commonality we people we feel like we
have something in common with someone
there’s a spark now here’s the problem
if rapport is created by feeling of
commonality most people try to get
rapport by using words but you’ve
already learned something what
percentage of our communication skills
are words what percentage seven percent
which means you’re leaving out
ninety-three percent of your skills
which is why most people don’t get
rapport with a large number of people
yeah we need you to walk on a restaurant
a bar and go hi what’s your name where
are you from why are you here in person
says my name is Abbey I’m from Iraq I’m
a terrorist I’m here to kill people and
you go amazing me too
ooh now see words don’t always work do
they but there is something that always
works to get rapport and that’s
something called matching and mirroring
matching and mirroring now matching and
mirroring came about 35 years ago when
it’s we’ve all done matching airing our
whole lives but the person who pointed
out was Milton Erickson dr. Erickson was
a genius what he did was he was a
medical doctor but he also was a
psychologist and a hypnotherapist
probably the best that ever lived and
people would come to see him who try to
change everything anywhere else in their
life nothing at work they see him for
one session he’d handle it and the
reason is because he understood
something he understood that you have
both a conscious mind in his
subconscious mind and he knew the
subconscious is more powerful it’s a
part that makes your heart beat a
hundred thousand times a day without him
to think about so he knew if he could
influence your subconscious mind he
could change anything and that’s what he
did but here’s how he did it he had
polio so he was in a wheelchair so he
spent an enormous amount of time
studying people and he began to notice
something about human beings that when
human beings got together if they got in
rapport a relationship of responsiveness
they became like each other in a variety
of ways what he called they mirrored
each other now I’ve taught this for 25
years I’m sure you’ve heard of it I’ve
written in my books and it’s been taught
in a variety of other areas now but it’s
one thing to know it intellectually or
to understand it’s another thing to know
it what you’re doing it that’s what I
want to get you to do tonight so you
have a real experience of it that you
won’t forget but here’s the basis of it
people like people who are like whom
themselves and people don’t like people
who are not like themselves to be more
specific write this down people like
people who are like themselves or who
are like how they would like to be
people like people who are like
themselves or are how they would like to
be people like people are like
themselves or how they would like to be
so question I’d like you to think of
someone you really really like a lot and
then if you would raise your hand this
person is either like you
or they’re like how you want to be if
that’s true enhance AI of course that’s
why I like them now think of someone you
don’t like I’m sure you like everyone
but if you once were a nun spiritual
person and felt these feelings some of
you don’t like raise your hand up
they’re not like you or they’re not like
how you want to be if that’s true raise
your hand say aye and that’s the
opposite people don’t like people who
are not like them or are not like how
they want to be that’s the bottom line
of it so this concept Erickson noticed
he used it in the following way watch me
if you came to see dr. Erickson instead
of talking to you intellectually and try
to get through to you he’d go right for
the jugular by getting your nervous
system connected to him getting rapport
so if you came to him and you said dr.
Erickson I don’t know this is a waste of
time I’ve I’ve tried everything and I
don’t know I think I should just go he
would do this he’d go I’m sure it looks
that way on the surface but you haven’t
tried this so you haven’t tried
everything and I think you should stay
the person go Oh something about this
guy I like you know he’s not over the
top you know I mean he’s like really
real there’s just somebody in the feels
down-home and real to me right if you
came to see him as a dr. Erickson I’ve
tried everything as a waste of my time
I’m out of here he’d say you shit out
you haven’t tried everything you’ve not
done this before you’re staying right
here okay goes hey I like this guy’s got
some spunk kick ass maybe he could do
some see he became like the pee blues
communicating with and what it was is
whatever they put out he sent the same
message back like biofeedback and then
trained them to him so that when he
didn’t told her unconscious what to do
their brain just did it that was his
power so my personal take on this on
improving your communication skills
comes down to authenticity I think there
are definitely tricks and tools and ways
to position yourself that can work but
at the end of the day for me it’s about
being authentic whether that’s talking
somebody one-on-one and communicating
just with them or whether that’s one too
many like this for you guys or in front
of a group or doing a presentation I
think the authenticity is super
important and so if you’re talking to
somebody why you know if you’re trying
to show appreciation you’re trying to
thank them for something then tell them
what it actually means to you if you’re
getting on stage and talking about your
product or service tell them what that
actually means to you whether it’s the
product itself whether it’s the
opportunity to be there just being more
you being more human showing more
emotion and being authentic I think
really matters I think too many people
have surface-level conversations what’s
the first thing that you always tell
somebody or ask somebody when you meet
them it’s well how are you doing there
how was your weekend and you fall into
the same pattern of talking about stuff
just to fill the void and not actually
get to anything deep and meaningful
where if you can get into the practice
of really being authentic of listening
to somebody or expressing concern or
sharing what you’re excited about with
emotion and not just staying at that
surface level again whether it’s
community one on communicating
one-on-one or communicating to a group I
feel like it’s really important and I
don’t know that I am necessarily the
best communicator in the world but I’ve
always had more success in getting my
message across when it’s coming from
here and when I can try to express that
even though I use the wrong words you
never use the wrong gestures even if I’m
you know nervous or awkward when I’m
saying something that is deeply
meaningful and personal to me when I’m
that authentic then the message tends to
connect that much better and I hope it
helps you too so thank you guys so much
for watching I made this video because
shibam aurora asked me to so if there’s
a topic you’d like me to cover in the
next edition of believe life leave in
the comments below and I’ll see what I
can do
I’d also love to know what you learned
today what was the most important lesson
you took from this video what changes
are you going to make in your
communication Skiles Skiles styles or
what are you going to try out what’s
something new different that you’re
going to try to change after watching
this video leave in the comments below
and I will join in the discussion
finally I want to give a quick shout out
to Tamera Campbell from Tam cam photo
comm go check her out tomorrow thank you
so much for buying a copy of my book
really
really really means a lot to me she’s
got tons of energy and fire as well so
that was a fun conversation email for
those of you guys who are interested in
getting the potential shout-out on the
future video make sure to pick up a copy
of the book and email in your receipt so
you can keep track and send you the
bonuses too thank you guys so much for
watching have an amazing day continue to
believe or whatever your one word is and
I’ll see you soon
going to talk about five ways to improve
your communication skills connecting
increases your influence in every
situation for the foundation of the
teaching today I want to make sure that
we really have a grasp of why connecting
with people is so vital so if you’ll go
to the very first sentence in your note
to the number one criteria for
advancement and promotion for
professionals is an ability to
communicate effectively that I do
believe I think the ability to connect
and communicate so number one criteria
for success with your family with your
marriage with your children with your
friends in the workplace the marketplace
in the community if you have the ability
to connect with people if you can
communicate and connect not just
communicate it takes you and literally
gives you an eye a decided edge over
others in the advancement of what we’re
trying to accomplish
I’d like to suggest that there are four
really powerful cornerstones foundations
that we can stand on if we want our
speech to be powerful and to make change
in the world fortunately these things
spell a word the word is hail and it has
a great definition as well I’m not
talking about the stuff that falls from
the sky and hits you on the head I’m
talking about this definition to greet
or acclaim enthusiastically which is I
think how our words will be received if
we stand on these four things so what do
they stand for see if you can guess the
H honesty of course being true in what
you say being straight and clear the a
is authenticity just being yourself a
friend of mine described it as standing
in your own truth which i think is a
lovely way to put it
the i’ is integrity being your word
actually doing what you say and being
somebody people can trust and the L is
love I don’t mean romantic love but I do
mean wishing people well for two reasons
first of all I think absolute honesty
may not be what we want I mean my
goodness you look ugly this morning and
perhaps that’s not necessary tempered
with love of course honesty is a great
thing but also if you’re really wishing
somebody well it’s very hard to judge
them at the same time I’m not even sure
you can do those two things
simultaneously
so hail also now that’s what you say and
it’s like the old song it is what you
say it’s also the way that you say it
you have an amazing toolbox this
instrument is incredible and yet this is
a toolbox that very few people have ever
opened I’d like to have a little rum
egde in there with you now just pull a
few tools out that you might like to
take away and play with which will
increase the power of your speaking
register for example now falsetto
register may not be very useful most of
the time but there’s a register in
between I’m not going to get very
technical about this for any of you who
are voice coaches you can locate your
voice however so if I talk up here and
my nose you can hear the difference if I
go down here and my throat which is
where most of us speak from most of the
time
but if you want weight you need to go
down here to the chest you hear the
difference we vote for politicians with
lower voices it’s true because we
associate depth with power and with
authority
that’s register and we have Tambor it’s
the the way your voice feels again the
research shows that we prefer voices
which are rich smooth warm like hot
chocolate well if that’s not you that’s
not the end of the world because you can
train go get a voice coach and there are
amazing things you can do with breathing
with posture with exercises to improve
the timbre of your voice then pros of
the aisle of pros idli this is the sings
on the meta language that we use in
order to impart meaning it’s route 1 for
meaning in conversation people who speak
all on one note are really quite hard to
listen to if they don’t have any prose
idea at all that’s where the word
monotonic comes from or monotonous
monotone also we have repetitive prose
idli now coming in where every sentence
ends as if it were a question when it’s
actually not a question it’s a statement
and if you repeat that one over and over
it’s actually restricting your ability
to communicate through prose adiy which
i think is a shame so let’s try and
break that habit pace I can get very
very excited by saying something really
really quickly or I can slow right down
to emphasize and at the end of that of
course is our old friend silence it’s
nothing wrong with a bit of silence in a
talk is there we don’t have to fill it
the thumbs and ours can be very powerful
of course pitch often goes along with
pace to indicate arousal but you can do
it just with pitch where did you leave
my keys where did you leave my keys it’s
a slightly different meaning in those
two deliveries and finally volume I can
get really excited by using volume sorry
about that if I startled anybody or I
can have you really pay attention by
getting very quiet
some people broadcast the whole time try
not to do that that’s called sod casting
imposing your sound on people around you
carelessly and inconsiderately not nice
of course where this all comes into play
most of all is when you’ve got something
really important to do it might be
standing on a stage like this and giving
a talk to people it might be proposing
marriage asking for a raise a wedding
speech whatever it is if it’s really
important you owe it to yourself to look
at this tool box and the engine that
it’s going to work on and no engine
works well without being warmed up warm
up your voice I can say to you continue
to do what you’re doing and working on
yourself and working on your mindset and
your presentation power because once you
open your mouth as he said the world
will now know who you are
your ability and write this down to tell
your story is key its major and how you
present yourself 101 why is that
important mr. Brown because when you
meet someone and you want to do business
with them people are asking three
questions one on one small groups of
large groups they’re asking
who are you what do you have and why
should I care that’s what they’re asking
because in the business where you are
trust is important am I correct
confidence is important am I correct
it’s a lot of skepticism around the
industry because of things that have
happened a major investment that people
have to make am i correct so now they’re
looking at you who are you and so your
ability to tell your story who are you
what do you have your ability to
communicate that in a way that will
connect with people in a way that will
expand their minds in a way that will
touch their heart in a way that will
cause them to say this is the person
that I want to put my trust in this is a
person that I believe in this major
decision that our family is about to
make now that we should go with how many
of you know that’s real raise your hands
please
one of the things I observe is simply
this a lot of people are very careless
with their language and so you know
there’s a huge shift you can either be a
victim or you can be a leader but you
can’t be both and if you look at someone
who is a victim a lot of their
victimhood comes down to the words they
use I mean the words you use either lift
up your energy the words you use either
make you more creative the words you use
either allow you to do world-class
things or the words you use deny your
talents the words you use could reduce
your energy the words you use could hurt
your leadership so you have a choice
every day at work and at home and out on
the streets with strangers you can
develop a victim vocabulary or the
language of leadership and in this
mastery session I want to walk you
through some of my insights on those
well words are powerful I mean words
have destroyed nations I mean think
about the great dictators they’re words
of hatred they’re words of toxicity
they’re words of breakdown cause the
people around them to do sometimes
incredibly terrifying acts and then you
look at people like a Nelson Mandela or
much
luther king jr. or mother teresa you
look at the great business builders you
look at humanitarians you look at a lot
of the great artists and they were so
careful with their words and their words
lifted people up and that’s really what
great leaders do they use the language
of leadership you look at a victim and
they say things like this is a problem
I’ve got a problem right here or I’m
really scared about this or I hate that
client or I hate this work or I’m sick
of this day or I’m exhausted
or I don’t like that or she never likes
me it’s literally the language of
toxicity and the words you use really
are like a context or a framework or a
stained-glass window on the way you see
the world I mean here’s a game-changing
insight you see the world not as it is
you see the world as you are you see the
world through a lens and your language
forms that lens of belief I mean your
lens of belief and your personal filter
on reality is not really a true filter
on reality it’s just the filter on
reality that has formed as a result of
all the words you’ve picked up from the
moment you were born so when you were a
little baby
your mum and your dad use the language
that they were taught when they were
kids to use and if they use the language
of victim itis and if they lose the
language of victimhood like well you
know you can’t do this I hate this I’m
tired of this money doesn’t grow on
trees be ordinary if you’re successful
you’ll be hated all that messaging that
we pick up from our parents and the
media and the world around us and our
peers the little kids that we used to
play with in the playground or the
friends that we had is teenagers that
will either lift us up or tear us down
so I guess what I’m trying to say and
hopefully I’m making the point clearly
for you but we see the world through
this personal filter and a lot of this
personal filter that drives our
performance and our behavior is really
constructed from the words that we’ve
picked up and then the words we are
taught to use and so the
right-angle turn for you to create
exponential energy mindset productivity
creativity results in the world results
in your life comes down to in part a
really intelligent use of your words and
like I said at the beginning of this
mastery session most people are really
unconscious about their words and that’s
why most people are not getting rare
error results so what are some of the
words I encourage you to shift from well
don’t talk about what you hate to do
talk about what you love to do don’t
talk about problems talk about
opportunities don’t talk about what
makes you tired talk about what makes
you inspired don’t talk about your past
talk about your future don’t talk about
what broke your heart
talk about what opens your heart don’t
talk about what de spirits you talk
about what you are fueled by don’t talk
about the things within your life that
are not working talk about the things in
your life that are working don’t talk
about your pain talk about your pleasure
and you know if I if I were sitting with
you right now coaching you I mean I am
coaching you and what I would encourage
you to do as soon as I finish this
mastery session is pull out your journal
and if you’re not journaling please
start journaling because journaling is a
ritual you want to install into your
days Joan Didion said this I don’t know
what I think until I write it down think
about that I don’t know what I think
until I write it down and so in your
journal after this mastery session pull
out a fresh page and draw a line down
the center of the page and write about
the language of victimhood and the
language of leadership leadership and
start to write down all the words you
use in the sentences you employ that
really are speaking that are really
victims speak and then in the other
column I want to start writing down the
language of leadership the language that
of today you will be committed to using
so that you start to use the language of
some of those world class and I’ve given
you some examples but doing that
exercise will make it really clear and
as you know clarity breeds mastery
bottom line is this you are built to be
a leader you are not constructed to be a
victim and once you get your words right
you are going to start noticing daily
shifts in your energy your focus your
momentum your confidence and your output
and when you start getting those words
right you start lifting your
professional life your personal life to
a whole new level of wow and guess what
that is what you are meant to do many
nervous speakers distance themselves
physically if you’ve ever seen a nervous
speaker present he or she will say
something like this welcome I am really
excited to be here with you they pull as
far away from you as possible because
you threatened us speakers you make us
nervous so we want to get away from you
we do the same thing linguistically we
use language that distances ourselves
it’s not unusual to hear a nervous
speaker say something like one must
consider the ramifications or today
we’re going to cover step 1 step 2 step
3
that’s very distancing language to be
more conversational use conversational
language instead of one must consider
say this is important to you we all need
to be concerned with do you hear that
inclusive conversational language has to
do with the pronouns instead of step 1
step 2 step 3 first what we need to do
is this the second thing you should
consider is here use conversational
language rapport is power earlier today
we said anything you want to achieve
anything you want to learn master
experience there’s somebody out there
who has a life experience the
understanding the network the capital
the thing you need to be able to achieve
it but they’re not going to give you
what they want or they’ll give you what
you want rather a need until you first
give them what they want need and you’re
not even going to find out what they
want need until you first
get in a relationship of rapport if you
don’t do that you’re never gonna learn
anything report our what is a
relationship of rapport rapport means
total responsiveness between people when
someone is totally responding to you and
you’re totally responding that you’re in
rapport there’s that connection it’s
that spark that happens in certain
communications or relationships now
everybody wants to create rapport have
it but most people only get rapport with
people who are like whom themselves and
they lose with everybody else which
means you’ve got a very limited world so
we want to take it to a different level
so let’s say for example if I said to
you right now guys I want you to go out
to a local restaurant or bar and I want
you to meet somebody
and I want you to develop rapport with
them I can actual them how many feel
like you to do that no problem say I and
if you’re not raising your hand you’re
probably selling yourself short of
course you could how would you do it
though you walk in this restaurant a bar
you meet somebody and you engage them in
conversation by asking a few what
questions now is it possible to ask a
few questions and have a conversation go
boom just die is that possible yes or no
so questions don’t create rapport
questions or a tool use to dig for
something what are you digging for we
ask these questions you’re trying to
find something in what that’s right so
write your notes rapport is created by a
feeling of commonality rapport is
created by a feeling of commonality
rapport is created by a feeling of
commonality we people we feel like we
have something in common with someone
there’s a spark now here’s the problem
if rapport is created by feeling of
commonality most people try to get
rapport by using words but you’ve
already learned something what
percentage of our communication skills
are words what percentage seven percent
which means you’re leaving out
ninety-three percent of your skills
which is why most people don’t get
rapport with a large number of people
yeah we need you to walk on a restaurant
a bar and go hi what’s your name where
are you from why are you here in person
says my name is Abbey I’m from Iraq I’m
a terrorist I’m here to kill people and
you go amazing me too
ooh now see words don’t always work do
they but there is something that always
works to get rapport and that’s
something called matching and mirroring
matching and mirroring now matching and
mirroring came about 35 years ago when
it’s we’ve all done matching airing our
whole lives but the person who pointed
out was Milton Erickson dr. Erickson was
a genius what he did was he was a
medical doctor but he also was a
psychologist and a hypnotherapist
probably the best that ever lived and
people would come to see him who try to
change everything anywhere else in their
life nothing at work they see him for
one session he’d handle it and the
reason is because he understood
something he understood that you have
both a conscious mind in his
subconscious mind and he knew the
subconscious is more powerful it’s a
part that makes your heart beat a
hundred thousand times a day without him
to think about so he knew if he could
influence your subconscious mind he
could change anything and that’s what he
did but here’s how he did it he had
polio so he was in a wheelchair so he
spent an enormous amount of time
studying people and he began to notice
something about human beings that when
human beings got together if they got in
rapport a relationship of responsiveness
they became like each other in a variety
of ways what he called they mirrored
each other now I’ve taught this for 25
years I’m sure you’ve heard of it I’ve
written in my books and it’s been taught
in a variety of other areas now but it’s
one thing to know it intellectually or
to understand it’s another thing to know
it what you’re doing it that’s what I
want to get you to do tonight so you
have a real experience of it that you
won’t forget but here’s the basis of it
people like people who are like whom
themselves and people don’t like people
who are not like themselves to be more
specific write this down people like
people who are like themselves or who
are like how they would like to be
people like people who are like
themselves or are how they would like to
be people like people are like
themselves or how they would like to be
so question I’d like you to think of
someone you really really like a lot and
then if you would raise your hand this
person is either like you
or they’re like how you want to be if
that’s true enhance AI of course that’s
why I like them now think of someone you
don’t like I’m sure you like everyone
but if you once were a nun spiritual
person and felt these feelings some of
you don’t like raise your hand up
they’re not like you or they’re not like
how you want to be if that’s true raise
your hand say aye and that’s the
opposite people don’t like people who
are not like them or are not like how
they want to be that’s the bottom line
of it so this concept Erickson noticed
he used it in the following way watch me
if you came to see dr. Erickson instead
of talking to you intellectually and try
to get through to you he’d go right for
the jugular by getting your nervous
system connected to him getting rapport
so if you came to him and you said dr.
Erickson I don’t know this is a waste of
time I’ve I’ve tried everything and I
don’t know I think I should just go he
would do this he’d go I’m sure it looks
that way on the surface but you haven’t
tried this so you haven’t tried
everything and I think you should stay
the person go Oh something about this
guy I like you know he’s not over the
top you know I mean he’s like really
real there’s just somebody in the feels
down-home and real to me right if you
came to see him as a dr. Erickson I’ve
tried everything as a waste of my time
I’m out of here he’d say you shit out
you haven’t tried everything you’ve not
done this before you’re staying right
here okay goes hey I like this guy’s got
some spunk kick ass maybe he could do
some see he became like the pee blues
communicating with and what it was is
whatever they put out he sent the same
message back like biofeedback and then
trained them to him so that when he
didn’t told her unconscious what to do
their brain just did it that was his
power so my personal take on this on
improving your communication skills
comes down to authenticity I think there
are definitely tricks and tools and ways
to position yourself that can work but
at the end of the day for me it’s about
being authentic whether that’s talking
somebody one-on-one and communicating
just with them or whether that’s one too
many like this for you guys or in front
of a group or doing a presentation I
think the authenticity is super
important and so if you’re talking to
somebody why you know if you’re trying
to show appreciation you’re trying to
thank them for something then tell them
what it actually means to you if you’re
getting on stage and talking about your
product or service tell them what that
actually means to you whether it’s the
product itself whether it’s the
opportunity to be there just being more
you being more human showing more
emotion and being authentic I think
really matters I think too many people
have surface-level conversations what’s
the first thing that you always tell
somebody or ask somebody when you meet
them it’s well how are you doing there
how was your weekend and you fall into
the same pattern of talking about stuff
just to fill the void and not actually
get to anything deep and meaningful
where if you can get into the practice
of really being authentic of listening
to somebody or expressing concern or
sharing what you’re excited about with
emotion and not just staying at that
surface level again whether it’s
community one on communicating
one-on-one or communicating to a group I
feel like it’s really important and I
don’t know that I am necessarily the
best communicator in the world but I’ve
always had more success in getting my
message across when it’s coming from
here and when I can try to express that
even though I use the wrong words you
never use the wrong gestures even if I’m
you know nervous or awkward when I’m
saying something that is deeply
meaningful and personal to me when I’m
that authentic then the message tends to
connect that much better and I hope it
helps you too so thank you guys so much
for watching I made this video because
shibam aurora asked me to so if there’s
a topic you’d like me to cover in the
next edition of believe life leave in
the comments below and I’ll see what I
can do
I’d also love to know what you learned
today what was the most important lesson
you took from this video what changes
are you going to make in your
communication Skiles Skiles styles or
what are you going to try out what’s
something new different that you’re
going to try to change after watching
this video leave in the comments below
and I will join in the discussion
finally I want to give a quick shout out
to Tamera Campbell from Tam cam photo
comm go check her out tomorrow thank you
so much for buying a copy of my book
really
really really means a lot to me she’s
got tons of energy and fire as well so
that was a fun conversation email for
those of you guys who are interested in
getting the potential shout-out on the
future video make sure to pick up a copy
of the book and email in your receipt so
you can keep track and send you the
bonuses too thank you guys so much for
watching have an amazing day continue to
believe or whatever your one word is and
I’ll see you soon
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