not an inspirational speaker I’ve never
lost a limb on a mountainside
metaphorically or otherwise and I’m
certainly not here to give career advice
because well I’ve never really had what
most would consider a job however I have
had large groups of people listening to
what I say for quite a few years now and
it’s given me an inflated sense of
self-importance so I will now at the
ripe old age of 37.9 bestow upon you
nine life lessons one you don’t have to
have a dream Americans on talent shows
always talk about their dreams fine if
you have something you’ve always wanted
to do dreamed of like in your heart go
for it after all it’s something to do
with your time chasing a dream and if
it’s a big enough one it’ll take you
most of your life to achieve so by the
time you get to it and are staring to
the into the abyss of the
meaninglessness of your achievement
you’ll be almost dead so it won’t matter
I never really had one of these dreams
and so I advocate passionate dedication
to the pursuit of short-term goals be
micro ambitious put your head down and
work with pride on whatever is in front
of you you never know where you might
end up just be aware the next worthy
pursuit will probably appear in your
periphery which is why you should be
careful of long-term dreams if you focus
too far in front of you you won’t see
the shiny thing out the corner of your
eye
– don’t seek happiness happiness is like
an orgasm if you think about it too much
keep busy and aim to make someone else
happy and you might find you get some as
a side effect we didn’t evolve to be
constantly content contented Homo
erectus got eaten before passing on
their genes three remember it’s all luck
you are lucky to be here you are in
Calculon calculable lucky to be born
understanding that you can’t truly take
credit for your successes nor truly
blame others for their failures will
humble you and make you more
compassionate empathy is intuitive but
is also something you can work on
intellectually for exercise I’m sorry
you pasty pale smoking philosophy grads
arching your eyebrows into a Cartesian
curve as you watch the human movement
mob winding their way through them the
minutes of traffic cones of their
existence you are wrong and they are
right well you’re half right you think
therefore you are but also your job
therefore you sleep therefore you’re not
overwhelmed by existential angst you
can’t be can’t and you don’t want to be
play a sport do yoga pump iron run
whatever but take care of your body
you’re going to need it most of you more
we’re going to live to nearly a hundred
and even the poorest of you will achieve
a level of wealth that most humans
throughout history could not have
dreamed of and this long luxurious life
ahead of you
is going to make you depressed
five be hard on your opinions a famous
bon mot asserts that opinions are like
assholes and that everyone has one there
is great wisdom in this but I would add
that opinions differ significantly from
ourselves and that yours should be
we must think critically and not just
about the ideas of others be hard on
your beliefs take them out onto the
veranda and hit them with a cricket bat
be intellectually rigorous identify your
biases your prejudices your privileges
most of society’s arguments are kept
alive by a failure to acknowledge nuance
we tend to generate false dichotomies
and then try to argue one point using
two entirely different sets of
assumptions like two tennis players
trying to win a match by hitting
beautifully executed shots from either
end of separate tennis courts six be a
teacher please please please be a
teacher teachers are the most admirable
and important people in the world you
don’t have to do it forever but if
you’re in doubt about what to do be an
amazing teacher even if you’re not a
teacher be a teacher share your ideas
don’t take for granted your education
rejoice in what you learn and spray it
seven define yourself by what you love I
found myself doing this thing a bit
recently where if someone asked me what
sort of music I like I say well I don’t
listen to the radio because pop song
lyrics annoy me or if someone asks me
what food I like I say I think truffle
oil is overused and slightly obnoxious
and I see it all the time online people
whose idea of being part of a subculture
is to hate Coldplay or football or
feminists or the Liberal Party we have a
tendency to define ourselves in
opposition to stuff as a comedian I make
my living out of it but try to also
express your passion for things you love
be demonstrative and generous in your
praise of those you admire send
thank-you cards and give standing
ovations be pros stuff not just aunty
stuff eight respect people with less
power than you I have in the past made
important decisions about people I work
with agents and producers big decisions
based largely on how they treat the
waitstaff in the restaurants we’re
having the meeting in I don’t care if
you’re the most powerful cat in the room
I will judge you on how you treat the
least powerful so there
9 finally don’t rush you don’t need to
already know what you’re gonna do with
the rest of your life don’t panic
you will soon be dead life will
sometimes seem long and tough and god
it’s tiring and you will sometimes be
happy and sometimes sad and then you’ll
be old and then you’ll be dead there is
only one sensible thing to do with this
empty existence and that is fill it not
fill it fill it life is best filled by
learning as much as you can about as
much as you can taking pride in whatever
you’re doing having compassion sharing
ideas running being enthusiastic and
then there’s love and travel and wine
and sex and art and kids and giving and
mountain climbing but you know all that
stuff already it’s an incredibly
exciting thing this one meaningless life
of yours good luck and thank you for
indulging me [Music]
lost a limb on a mountainside
metaphorically or otherwise and I’m
certainly not here to give career advice
because well I’ve never really had what
most would consider a job however I have
had large groups of people listening to
what I say for quite a few years now and
it’s given me an inflated sense of
self-importance so I will now at the
ripe old age of 37.9 bestow upon you
nine life lessons one you don’t have to
have a dream Americans on talent shows
always talk about their dreams fine if
you have something you’ve always wanted
to do dreamed of like in your heart go
for it after all it’s something to do
with your time chasing a dream and if
it’s a big enough one it’ll take you
most of your life to achieve so by the
time you get to it and are staring to
the into the abyss of the
meaninglessness of your achievement
you’ll be almost dead so it won’t matter
I never really had one of these dreams
and so I advocate passionate dedication
to the pursuit of short-term goals be
micro ambitious put your head down and
work with pride on whatever is in front
of you you never know where you might
end up just be aware the next worthy
pursuit will probably appear in your
periphery which is why you should be
careful of long-term dreams if you focus
too far in front of you you won’t see
the shiny thing out the corner of your
eye
– don’t seek happiness happiness is like
an orgasm if you think about it too much
keep busy and aim to make someone else
happy and you might find you get some as
a side effect we didn’t evolve to be
constantly content contented Homo
erectus got eaten before passing on
their genes three remember it’s all luck
you are lucky to be here you are in
Calculon calculable lucky to be born
understanding that you can’t truly take
credit for your successes nor truly
blame others for their failures will
humble you and make you more
compassionate empathy is intuitive but
is also something you can work on
intellectually for exercise I’m sorry
you pasty pale smoking philosophy grads
arching your eyebrows into a Cartesian
curve as you watch the human movement
mob winding their way through them the
minutes of traffic cones of their
existence you are wrong and they are
right well you’re half right you think
therefore you are but also your job
therefore you sleep therefore you’re not
overwhelmed by existential angst you
can’t be can’t and you don’t want to be
play a sport do yoga pump iron run
whatever but take care of your body
you’re going to need it most of you more
we’re going to live to nearly a hundred
and even the poorest of you will achieve
a level of wealth that most humans
throughout history could not have
dreamed of and this long luxurious life
ahead of you
is going to make you depressed
five be hard on your opinions a famous
bon mot asserts that opinions are like
assholes and that everyone has one there
is great wisdom in this but I would add
that opinions differ significantly from
ourselves and that yours should be
we must think critically and not just
about the ideas of others be hard on
your beliefs take them out onto the
veranda and hit them with a cricket bat
be intellectually rigorous identify your
biases your prejudices your privileges
most of society’s arguments are kept
alive by a failure to acknowledge nuance
we tend to generate false dichotomies
and then try to argue one point using
two entirely different sets of
assumptions like two tennis players
trying to win a match by hitting
beautifully executed shots from either
end of separate tennis courts six be a
teacher please please please be a
teacher teachers are the most admirable
and important people in the world you
don’t have to do it forever but if
you’re in doubt about what to do be an
amazing teacher even if you’re not a
teacher be a teacher share your ideas
don’t take for granted your education
rejoice in what you learn and spray it
seven define yourself by what you love I
found myself doing this thing a bit
recently where if someone asked me what
sort of music I like I say well I don’t
listen to the radio because pop song
lyrics annoy me or if someone asks me
what food I like I say I think truffle
oil is overused and slightly obnoxious
and I see it all the time online people
whose idea of being part of a subculture
is to hate Coldplay or football or
feminists or the Liberal Party we have a
tendency to define ourselves in
opposition to stuff as a comedian I make
my living out of it but try to also
express your passion for things you love
be demonstrative and generous in your
praise of those you admire send
thank-you cards and give standing
ovations be pros stuff not just aunty
stuff eight respect people with less
power than you I have in the past made
important decisions about people I work
with agents and producers big decisions
based largely on how they treat the
waitstaff in the restaurants we’re
having the meeting in I don’t care if
you’re the most powerful cat in the room
I will judge you on how you treat the
least powerful so there
9 finally don’t rush you don’t need to
already know what you’re gonna do with
the rest of your life don’t panic
you will soon be dead life will
sometimes seem long and tough and god
it’s tiring and you will sometimes be
happy and sometimes sad and then you’ll
be old and then you’ll be dead there is
only one sensible thing to do with this
empty existence and that is fill it not
fill it fill it life is best filled by
learning as much as you can about as
much as you can taking pride in whatever
you’re doing having compassion sharing
ideas running being enthusiastic and
then there’s love and travel and wine
and sex and art and kids and giving and
mountain climbing but you know all that
stuff already it’s an incredibly
exciting thing this one meaningless life
of yours good luck and thank you for
indulging me [Music]
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