digital dementia this is a real medical
term right now this is the idea that
we’re outsourcing our brains to our
smart devices were so reliance on our
smart phones that our smart phones are
making us stupid does that make sense
that I mean it’s convenient I don’t want
to I don’t want to memorize 500 phone
numbers right nobody wants to do that
but we’ve lost the ability to memorize
one like if I give you a seven digit
number now how difficult would it be you
find that kind of difficult to memorize
like a phone number that you used to do
years ago yes or yes because we’ve our
if I take my arm I put into a sling for
six months does it stay the same would
even grow stronger it would what it
would atrophy and grow weaker same thing
with your mental muscles if you’re
relying on your phone to keep your
schedules you’re to do is do simple I
went out to dinner with 10 people
recently it was a 10 of us and three
people at the end pulled out their
phones to divide the check the bill by
10 we’ve lost the ability to be able to
do certain things and so what that’s
where digital dementia is smart devices
could be extremely convenient but they
could be crippling also so it could be a
balance
can I borrow someone’s phone please
anyone
okay there is a subconscious reaction to
these devices when we use them okay what
if I were to hold my phone while I’m
talking to you I’m not checking it it’s
not buzzing it’s not beeping I’m not
even nothing I’m just holding it do you
feel at this moment that you are the
most important thing to me right now
no you do not because there is a
subconscious reaction we have to the
device when it is out it makes the
people around us feel that they are less
important so when walk we’re walking
down the halls in our offices and
somebody says hey boss can I ask you a
question you go sure what’s on your mind
we’ve just told them they’re not that
important or we can go sure what’s on
your mind and if you don’t have a pocket
find a shelf put it on the shelf come
back and say sure what’s on your mind
when we show up to a meeting or a lunch
or a dinner with our colleagues our
clients or our friends or our families
and we put the phone on the table we
have announced to everyone in the room
that they are not that important to us
and by the way putting the phone upside
down is not more polite my favorite one
is win the meeting or at a lunch with
someone that the phone will ring and the
caller ID will pop up and they will go
I’m not gonna get it oh so magnanimous
lucky to eat with you today or they
could just put the damn thing away you
can tell how addicted we are when
somebody pulls out their phone when you
rip them how uncomfortable does that
make us feel you’re walking down the
street with someone they pull their
phone out we feel stupid so what do we
do we pull our phones out we’re so
addicted somebody goes to the bathroom
when we’re at dinner and what do we have
to sit there by ourselves god forbid we
should look around the room for five
minutes we pull our phones out meetings
awful what do we do when a meeting
happens right everybody’s sitting
waiting for the meeting to start the
Bob’s running a few minutes late Bob’s
here okay start the meeting do you know
when relationships are built all that in
between time parents have to intervene
we have to stop giving our kids free
access to social media and phones at
young ages they are not ready for it
their minds cannot cope with
the dopamine balance is fine you can
give a kid a phone but they can’t use it
in their bedroom they can’t have it at
the dinner table they can’t take it to
school they can only have it up to a
certain hour and you take it away their
children you can take the phone away
we’ve got to intervene as parents but as
companies we now have to deal with the
influx of kids that are coming into our
companies with addiction watch I see it
all the time walk through any office
you’ll see the older employees have
their phones on the sides of their
computers as they’re working you’ll see
the youngest employees have their phones
face up in front of their keyboards
between their arms as they’re working
and this is how they work and the
science is alarming they did experiments
on mice where they did the multitasking
they changed the they changed they put
flashing lights to mimic going from the
computer to the cell phone the computer
to the cell phone to the TV the mice
that were exposed to the changing lights
it took them three times longer to solve
a maze than the mice that weren’t and
the damage was permanent it didn’t
improve when they stopped the lights so
other than the five-second rule
there is one habit that I have adopted
in the last three years that has
fundamentally changed me as a business
person and it has also changed my
ability to manage my emotions so I don’t
get hijacked I do not allow my phone in
the bedroom I know the research Deloitte
just did a study based on phone use
alone and 33% of people are reading
emails in the middle of the night I know
that if you go to bed and the phone is
right next to you right so you go to bed
because you need your phone you know
somebody might need you and you sleep
you know if this is right here and it’s
not closed and the blue light is on
they’ve done studies where you have
people at a table and the researcher
will put their phone on the table not
even my phone
the researchers phone and the brain
lights up like crazy just with the
of a funk the research around the phone
and sleep is so stunning that if you
were to adopt one radical thing today
other than the five-second rule try
putting your phone outside your bedroom
turn off the little visit so you don’t
hear it tell people who need to reach
you to call you my kids I have a kid in
college a kid who’s just you know high
school kid in middle school if there’s
an emergency
call me there is nothing happening on
your phone at two o’clock in the morning
that’s important but if you allow
yourself to become a tool of this this
is supposed to be your tool for selling
your tool for communicating and we’re
all becoming the tool here’s the other
thing common sense why’s that I want you
to understand you wake up the alarm goes
off what do you do what so you’re not
even vertical and you’re reading emails
and what is in these emails other
people’s crap you don’t have boundaries
with this puppy it’s gonna when I put
this thing outside the bedroom and I
wake up I walk over to where the phone
is that you plugged into my bathroom I
turn it off I don’t look at again I gave
myself five minutes
five minutes before I tuned into the
world to actually tune in up here and
say what’s the one thing I’m gonna get
done today that really matters to me if
you’re the kind of person that feels
like you don’t have control over your
day that your day gets hijacked that you
can’t get to the priorities that you’re
always behind the ball
this one planning thing will change your
life no phone in the bedroom turn it off
when the alarm goes off five minutes
five lousy minutes five five minutes
before you tune into the rest of the
world and if you’ve got the kind of job
where you’ve got to check it get up ten
minutes earlier you have control over
this stuff and it is so important that
you take it seriously now because you’re
living at the slowest moment of your
so you’ve been an educator through the
rise of the smartphone and my question
basically relates to procrastination and
task delay needless task delay
specifically and given the unprecedented
level of distraction that we have in
today’s world I just wanted to get your
perspective from a psychological
standpoint on other than cleaning your
damn room what would you suggest to a
student who’s looking to overcome these
levels well I think with any let’s call
it addictive process
I mean email is powerfully addictive
right hardly it’s it’s a slot machine
and I mean that technically so when you
pull it’s that’s a variable ratio
reinforcement schedule if I remember
correctly and it’s very addictive
because if you pull on the slot machine
arm enough you will win and you never
know which poll will reward you and so
not only is that addictive it’s very
hard to extinguish that and so emails
like that because there’s always
something beckoning and now and then
it’s a jackpot
and social medias like that because you
know people are posting interesting
things and so well how do you overcome
an addictive process and partly you do
it by replacing it with something better
right so when people study drug and
alcohol use they they often make an
elementary mistake which is to try to
figure out why people use drugs and
alcohol that’s that’s not a smart thing
to wonder we know why people use cocaine
cocaine directly stimulates the systems
that produce positive emotion it’s like
so there’s no mystery there the mystery
with cocaine is very very simple why
don’t people take cocaine all the time
until they die that’s the mystery really
because you can get isolated rats to do
that so and and for some people alcohol
has the same kind of effect except it’s
mediated by opiates but more often what
people have to do to get themselves out
of an addictive process is to find
something better to do to replace it and
so I would say the problem with the
gadgets and I mean they’re amazing
things is that
they interfere with they proximately
interfere with medium to long-term goals
I would say and so I think the first
thing you have to do to bring them under
control is figure out what it is that
their use is interfering with it has to
be something important so you think well
I know I want to do something important
well what is that it could be personal
maybe you want to have a relationship
you want to get married you you want to
have kids you want to have a career
that’s meaningful you know you want to
have a life you want to have an
Abrahamic adventure and be the father of
Nations let’s say well it can’t be
ratting away on your cell phone and
doing that and so I think I think part
of it is to set your sights high and
make a plan and figure out who you could
be and see if obsessive utilization of
smartphone fits into that vision of
nobility and it will partly because
they’re they’re unbelievably powerful
communication devices but so so often
it’s it’s for lack of something better
to do and it also interferes so that’s
let me talk about cellphones for five
okay so almost every alcoholic so I get
to talk to a lot of Gen Y kids high
school and older but it’s now the
younger generation is also is going to
be affected by this and then some they
are suffering they they they are
starting with a deficiency that is the
responsibility that we have to share
responsibility and helping them overcome
let me explain
almost every alcoholic on the planet
discovered alcohol when they were
teenagers because when we’re very young
the only thing we need from our the only
approval we need is from our parents
that’s it
you know a little kid looks to their
parents and parents are happy they’re
happy and then when we go through
adolescence we start to need the
approval of our peers as frustrating as
this is for parents it’s actually very
important for us because it allows us to
acculturate outside of our immediate
families right it’s a very stressful
time adolescence and what we’re supposed
to learn is to rely on our friends
during this time of stress and anxiety
some people accidentally discover
alcohol and the numbing effects of
dopamine because that’s what dopamine
does and unfortunately they accidentally
make a hard wired connection that when
they suffer stress you don’t go to a
friend you go to the bottle and that
then plays out for the rest of their
lives all alcoholics 100% drink for a
finite number of reasons social stress
financial stress career stress that’s
pretty much it right it’s a coping
mechanism so we know that you get a
dopamine release which is the same
chemical that makes you feel good when
you drink we know that you get a
dopamine release when your phone goes
buzz or beep or flasher you know Bing we
know that you get that when you get
social media alerts as well and so
what’s starting to happen is these kids
as they’re going through adolescence
nobody has recognized that the device is
actually addictive and so what we’re
actually doing is creating an entire
generation of mini little addicts that
are getting hardwired to believe that
their sense of self-worth and their
sense of coping comes from the device
and not from another human being that’s
why they have so they suffered real
stress when they lose followers and they
get real joy when they gain followers
like the number of responses they get or
likes that they get are real those
stress
when when they suffer it when they were
feeling a little bit down we do the same
thing when you’re feeling a little down
you send out ten texts hoping to get one
back and what’s happening is because the
device is so can I borrow someone’s
phone when when someone thank you when
someone when here’s what happens the
kids are walking around with them all
the time
I now see girls walking around like this
like they’re not even holding them down
here it’s like this and I see boys
walking right like this this is just how
they walk it’s here it’s not here and
they put it on the table in front of
them and here let me show you what I
mean there’s a subconscious effect on
the on the people around us when we have
our phones and we’re all guilty of this
what if I’m holding my phone it’s not
tweeting it’s not buzzing it’s not
beeping and I’m not checking it I’m
simply holding my phone do you feel that
you’re the most important thing to me
right now no you do not and this is an
artificial environment simply by holding
the phone which means when we show up to
a meeting and we put our phones on the
table it says to the rest of the people
in the room you’re not the most
important thing to me right now
and by the way putting your phone upside
down is not more polite when we show up
for dinner with our families when we
have to have a conversation with one of
our students when we have to have a
conversation with a parent and we put a
phone on the table it says this is not
the most important thing to me right now
and you felt it and so the most
important thing to do is to get rid of
the device when you’re engaging with
another human being so when somebody
says can I ask you a question and you go
what’s on your mind because what it says
is you have my attention remember that
those chemicals when somebody says when
we feel that somebody actually cares
about us and if you don’t have a pocket
you go to a shelf nearby you put it down
you say what’s on your mind when someone
comes into your office you put the phone
in the desk you turn off the monitor you
shut the laptop you say what’s on your
mind right so what’s happening is kids
now they go for dinner with each other
hang out with each other at the lunch
table with each other and the phones are
out constantly and not only they’re just
on the table they’re actually they’re
actually engaging with people instead of
engaging with the people that they’re
with and they’re not actually learning
thank you they’re not actually learning
how to make friends they’re not actually
learning how to talk to people so I’ve
talked to many kids about this
that let’s say they’re using Google Maps
to get somewhere and their phone dies
they will spend more time looking for a
charger than simply asking somebody
where to go because they’re afraid to
talk to people and for slightly older
ones dating is the same you know you
swipe right and that’s it you can get a
date right like dating has been made so
easy it’s instant gratification and this
is part of the problem they’re growing
up in a world of instant gratification
where if you want to buy something you
go in Amazon it shows up the next day
you want to watch a movie you just log
on and watch it you don’t check movie
times you want to watch TV you don’t we
tweet to week to week you just binge
watch over a weekend if you want to get
a date you just log on and you can get a
date like no problem
and so what’s starting to happen is
they’re accused of being entitled I
don’t think they have a sense of
entitlement I think they’re wonderful
smart hard-working kids I think what
they have is a systemic impatience and
the problem is is they think that that
satisfaction in life fulfillment or even
love and friendship happen just as
immediately and they don’t it takes time
and it takes
unbelievable hard work and the problem
is they’re not learning the skills to
make friends they’re not learning the
skills to fall in love they’re not
learning the skills to talk to people
they’re not learning the skills to find
fulfillment because it’s slow and it’s
boring and it’s human and we’re starting
to see the results we’re starting to see
suicides are on the rise nobody kills
themselves because they’re hungry they
killed themselves because they’re lonely
we’re starting to see school shootings
on the rise in the 1960s there was one
in the 1980s there were 27 in the 1990s
there were 58 in the past decade we’ve
had over 120 70% were perpetrated by
kids born after the year 1980 most of
them are about 15 years old and though
we have no good science on it we know
anecdotally
that they spent a disproportionate
amount of their social lives
da-da-da-dah online human relationships
is what makes people happy this is why
solitary confinement is considered
torture in many places and what we’re
doing is basically solitary confinement
we’ve taken the kids away from each
other and they’re engaging with their
phones more than anything I for one do
not believe there should be a phone in a
school there should definitely not be a
phone in a classroom and I don’t know
why you need the internet in a classroom
either whatever they’re using they can
do not understand because giving and
it’s and the real
I’m draconian about it is the same
reason we take the alcohol out of the
alcoholics home because you can’t trust
the willpower it’s too powerful it is
addiction it is addiction we aren’t even
good at putting our phones away and so
now you’re going to ask a 12 year old a
10 year old and a 9 year old to do it
we’re out of our minds the only way to
do it is to take the phone away to ban
them in a classroom and ban them in a
school they will hate it at the
beginning and then watch what happens
I’ll give you some personal experiences
so when I go in to do workshops with
people I’ll sit with the roomful
executives and the first thing I do is I
take a bucket or a bowl and I walk
around the room and I make them throw
their phones in the bucket of the bowl I
get very dirty looks and they are not
happy these are some senior executives
that go like this right and I just I
take all the phones away and I put them
on the side and then we start the
workshop here’s what happens within a
few minutes everybody relaxes people
talk to each other and the most
important thing is the breaks because
usually what happens in a break and I
watch it happen here too as soon as we
stand up we go like this you’re all nice
and respectful when I’m on the stage but
as soon as we stop everybody’s checking
in right now as an aside there’s no
quicker way to undermine the trust and
your people than to feel the need that
you have to check in every hour as
opposed to saying hey guys I’m gonna be
out for a day you got this I trust you
right make it green check with Steve you
know but that’s what we do we respond
everything but worse we’re not engaging
with each other the value of these
events is each other and so when I take
these phones away from these executives
in the breaks they sit and they talk to
each other nobody goes to get their
phone I made no rule that said they
can’t I just put them away and put them
on the side they actually talk to each
other the quality of the workshop is
always fantastic and the best part is
when they walk out they actually are
talking to each other on their way out
in other words camaraderie simply by
forcing the phone to be taken away it’s
a mechanism to get the behavior that we
want David Mark K’s work talks about
this you don’t trying to change people’s
thinking to get the behavior you change
the behavior to change their thinking
and so sometimes you have to force it
there should never ever ever be a
cellphone in a conference in a
conference room I don’t care if you with
each other or with your parents whatever
or your meeting
your students theirs or yours there
should never be a cellphone out in any
kind of conference room ever because the
quality of the meetings goes up and I
promise you even though people will
grumble and even though they’ll hate it
and even though parents will say what
about an emergency here’s what you’re
doing an emergency call this number it’s
the it’s the school tell us little Jimmy
something happened to his grandmother
and we’ll go get little Jimmy for you
old school right like I got it there’s
an emergency that doesn’t mean the kid
has to have a phone on the whole time
because the negative impact is not worth
the not worth the benefit and at the end
of the day how many kids have really
been called up because I’m emergencies
on their phones I mean you know in my
world I would lift up a chicken wire
inside the sheetrock of all the schools
so the phones just don’t work
it’ll be like 80 you know anyway my
point is is what will start to happen is
simply by removing the device including
the cafeteria I’m not talking classroom
I’m talking everywhere you’ll start to
see the kids talking and learning how to
communicate and learning how to build
social relationships learning how to
talk to each other learning how to talk
to their teachers learning how to talk
to their parents they will acculturate
them socialize their skills that they’re
lacking that are manifesting in things
like depression suicide and school
shootings later on in life that’s those
are the worst-case scenarios the
best-case scenario is you just hate your
life and lived your life just going
through life thinking life sucks and not
really loving your friends college is
now are dealing with unprecedented
numbers of people dropping out or taking
leaves of happens absences because of
depression it all starts here you know
if there’s one school here that wants to
experiment and literally bans phones in
the entire building teachers included I
think phones should be treated like
smokers make as many texts as you want
send his MIT make as many personal calls
as you want
outside right at least smokers are
social at least they go out with each
other and the reason I say this is not
because of some highfalutin the I love
technology I think there’s nothing wrong
with technology it’s about the balance
alcohol is great drinking too much
alcohol is not good for you gambling is
fun gambling too much is not good for
you cellphones are wonderful out of
balance they’re absolutely addictive
and destructive to the relationships of
human beings and I bet one school could
demonstrate not only grades will improve
relationships will improve bullying will
improve all of that go sort of is
mitigated simply because the kids are
learning to talk to each other so I
wanted to bring it up because it’s it’s
a very real problem with adults as well
as as well as the teachers because
remember leadership starts at the top
which means if we we can’t tell the kids
not to use their phones if we use ours
teachers can’t use them either there can
be a place to use them teachers lounge
maybe you know after school but not in
the classroom it matters I’ve been doing
it myself I go out with my friends now
and I go out for dinner and I hand my
phone to my friend whoever I’m with I’ll
give them my phone I have no access to
it now and I relax and I enjoy my dinner
with my friend or I make everybody make
turn the phone one to the left we all
give our phones away that way it’s the
funniest thing somebody goes to the
bathroom what’s the first thing we do we
pull our phone out I think you know god
forbid we should like just enjoy the
surroundings for four minutes you know
or somebody else brings their phone out
we have to because we feel uncomfortable
just sort of like standing there so we
bring our phone out too
it’s what happens it’s what happens it
it has a ripple effect anyway I’ve beaten that horse a lot
term right now this is the idea that
we’re outsourcing our brains to our
smart devices were so reliance on our
smart phones that our smart phones are
making us stupid does that make sense
that I mean it’s convenient I don’t want
to I don’t want to memorize 500 phone
numbers right nobody wants to do that
but we’ve lost the ability to memorize
one like if I give you a seven digit
number now how difficult would it be you
find that kind of difficult to memorize
like a phone number that you used to do
years ago yes or yes because we’ve our
if I take my arm I put into a sling for
six months does it stay the same would
even grow stronger it would what it
would atrophy and grow weaker same thing
with your mental muscles if you’re
relying on your phone to keep your
schedules you’re to do is do simple I
went out to dinner with 10 people
recently it was a 10 of us and three
people at the end pulled out their
phones to divide the check the bill by
10 we’ve lost the ability to be able to
do certain things and so what that’s
where digital dementia is smart devices
could be extremely convenient but they
could be crippling also so it could be a
balance
can I borrow someone’s phone please
anyone
okay there is a subconscious reaction to
these devices when we use them okay what
if I were to hold my phone while I’m
talking to you I’m not checking it it’s
not buzzing it’s not beeping I’m not
even nothing I’m just holding it do you
feel at this moment that you are the
most important thing to me right now
no you do not because there is a
subconscious reaction we have to the
device when it is out it makes the
people around us feel that they are less
important so when walk we’re walking
down the halls in our offices and
somebody says hey boss can I ask you a
question you go sure what’s on your mind
we’ve just told them they’re not that
important or we can go sure what’s on
your mind and if you don’t have a pocket
find a shelf put it on the shelf come
back and say sure what’s on your mind
when we show up to a meeting or a lunch
or a dinner with our colleagues our
clients or our friends or our families
and we put the phone on the table we
have announced to everyone in the room
that they are not that important to us
and by the way putting the phone upside
down is not more polite my favorite one
is win the meeting or at a lunch with
someone that the phone will ring and the
caller ID will pop up and they will go
I’m not gonna get it oh so magnanimous
lucky to eat with you today or they
could just put the damn thing away you
can tell how addicted we are when
somebody pulls out their phone when you
rip them how uncomfortable does that
make us feel you’re walking down the
street with someone they pull their
phone out we feel stupid so what do we
do we pull our phones out we’re so
addicted somebody goes to the bathroom
when we’re at dinner and what do we have
to sit there by ourselves god forbid we
should look around the room for five
minutes we pull our phones out meetings
awful what do we do when a meeting
happens right everybody’s sitting
waiting for the meeting to start the
Bob’s running a few minutes late Bob’s
here okay start the meeting do you know
when relationships are built all that in
between time parents have to intervene
we have to stop giving our kids free
access to social media and phones at
young ages they are not ready for it
their minds cannot cope with
the dopamine balance is fine you can
give a kid a phone but they can’t use it
in their bedroom they can’t have it at
the dinner table they can’t take it to
school they can only have it up to a
certain hour and you take it away their
children you can take the phone away
we’ve got to intervene as parents but as
companies we now have to deal with the
influx of kids that are coming into our
companies with addiction watch I see it
all the time walk through any office
you’ll see the older employees have
their phones on the sides of their
computers as they’re working you’ll see
the youngest employees have their phones
face up in front of their keyboards
between their arms as they’re working
and this is how they work and the
science is alarming they did experiments
on mice where they did the multitasking
they changed the they changed they put
flashing lights to mimic going from the
computer to the cell phone the computer
to the cell phone to the TV the mice
that were exposed to the changing lights
it took them three times longer to solve
a maze than the mice that weren’t and
the damage was permanent it didn’t
improve when they stopped the lights so
other than the five-second rule
there is one habit that I have adopted
in the last three years that has
fundamentally changed me as a business
person and it has also changed my
ability to manage my emotions so I don’t
get hijacked I do not allow my phone in
the bedroom I know the research Deloitte
just did a study based on phone use
alone and 33% of people are reading
emails in the middle of the night I know
that if you go to bed and the phone is
right next to you right so you go to bed
because you need your phone you know
somebody might need you and you sleep
you know if this is right here and it’s
not closed and the blue light is on
they’ve done studies where you have
people at a table and the researcher
will put their phone on the table not
even my phone
the researchers phone and the brain
lights up like crazy just with the
of a funk the research around the phone
and sleep is so stunning that if you
were to adopt one radical thing today
other than the five-second rule try
putting your phone outside your bedroom
turn off the little visit so you don’t
hear it tell people who need to reach
you to call you my kids I have a kid in
college a kid who’s just you know high
school kid in middle school if there’s
an emergency
call me there is nothing happening on
your phone at two o’clock in the morning
that’s important but if you allow
yourself to become a tool of this this
is supposed to be your tool for selling
your tool for communicating and we’re
all becoming the tool here’s the other
thing common sense why’s that I want you
to understand you wake up the alarm goes
off what do you do what so you’re not
even vertical and you’re reading emails
and what is in these emails other
people’s crap you don’t have boundaries
with this puppy it’s gonna when I put
this thing outside the bedroom and I
wake up I walk over to where the phone
is that you plugged into my bathroom I
turn it off I don’t look at again I gave
myself five minutes
five minutes before I tuned into the
world to actually tune in up here and
say what’s the one thing I’m gonna get
done today that really matters to me if
you’re the kind of person that feels
like you don’t have control over your
day that your day gets hijacked that you
can’t get to the priorities that you’re
always behind the ball
this one planning thing will change your
life no phone in the bedroom turn it off
when the alarm goes off five minutes
five lousy minutes five five minutes
before you tune into the rest of the
world and if you’ve got the kind of job
where you’ve got to check it get up ten
minutes earlier you have control over
this stuff and it is so important that
you take it seriously now because you’re
living at the slowest moment of your
so you’ve been an educator through the
rise of the smartphone and my question
basically relates to procrastination and
task delay needless task delay
specifically and given the unprecedented
level of distraction that we have in
today’s world I just wanted to get your
perspective from a psychological
standpoint on other than cleaning your
damn room what would you suggest to a
student who’s looking to overcome these
levels well I think with any let’s call
it addictive process
I mean email is powerfully addictive
right hardly it’s it’s a slot machine
and I mean that technically so when you
pull it’s that’s a variable ratio
reinforcement schedule if I remember
correctly and it’s very addictive
because if you pull on the slot machine
arm enough you will win and you never
know which poll will reward you and so
not only is that addictive it’s very
hard to extinguish that and so emails
like that because there’s always
something beckoning and now and then
it’s a jackpot
and social medias like that because you
know people are posting interesting
things and so well how do you overcome
an addictive process and partly you do
it by replacing it with something better
right so when people study drug and
alcohol use they they often make an
elementary mistake which is to try to
figure out why people use drugs and
alcohol that’s that’s not a smart thing
to wonder we know why people use cocaine
cocaine directly stimulates the systems
that produce positive emotion it’s like
so there’s no mystery there the mystery
with cocaine is very very simple why
don’t people take cocaine all the time
until they die that’s the mystery really
because you can get isolated rats to do
that so and and for some people alcohol
has the same kind of effect except it’s
mediated by opiates but more often what
people have to do to get themselves out
of an addictive process is to find
something better to do to replace it and
so I would say the problem with the
gadgets and I mean they’re amazing
things is that
they interfere with they proximately
interfere with medium to long-term goals
I would say and so I think the first
thing you have to do to bring them under
control is figure out what it is that
their use is interfering with it has to
be something important so you think well
I know I want to do something important
well what is that it could be personal
maybe you want to have a relationship
you want to get married you you want to
have kids you want to have a career
that’s meaningful you know you want to
have a life you want to have an
Abrahamic adventure and be the father of
Nations let’s say well it can’t be
ratting away on your cell phone and
doing that and so I think I think part
of it is to set your sights high and
make a plan and figure out who you could
be and see if obsessive utilization of
smartphone fits into that vision of
nobility and it will partly because
they’re they’re unbelievably powerful
communication devices but so so often
it’s it’s for lack of something better
to do and it also interferes so that’s
let me talk about cellphones for five
okay so almost every alcoholic so I get
to talk to a lot of Gen Y kids high
school and older but it’s now the
younger generation is also is going to
be affected by this and then some they
are suffering they they they are
starting with a deficiency that is the
responsibility that we have to share
responsibility and helping them overcome
let me explain
almost every alcoholic on the planet
discovered alcohol when they were
teenagers because when we’re very young
the only thing we need from our the only
approval we need is from our parents
that’s it
you know a little kid looks to their
parents and parents are happy they’re
happy and then when we go through
adolescence we start to need the
approval of our peers as frustrating as
this is for parents it’s actually very
important for us because it allows us to
acculturate outside of our immediate
families right it’s a very stressful
time adolescence and what we’re supposed
to learn is to rely on our friends
during this time of stress and anxiety
some people accidentally discover
alcohol and the numbing effects of
dopamine because that’s what dopamine
does and unfortunately they accidentally
make a hard wired connection that when
they suffer stress you don’t go to a
friend you go to the bottle and that
then plays out for the rest of their
lives all alcoholics 100% drink for a
finite number of reasons social stress
financial stress career stress that’s
pretty much it right it’s a coping
mechanism so we know that you get a
dopamine release which is the same
chemical that makes you feel good when
you drink we know that you get a
dopamine release when your phone goes
buzz or beep or flasher you know Bing we
know that you get that when you get
social media alerts as well and so
what’s starting to happen is these kids
as they’re going through adolescence
nobody has recognized that the device is
actually addictive and so what we’re
actually doing is creating an entire
generation of mini little addicts that
are getting hardwired to believe that
their sense of self-worth and their
sense of coping comes from the device
and not from another human being that’s
why they have so they suffered real
stress when they lose followers and they
get real joy when they gain followers
like the number of responses they get or
likes that they get are real those
stress
when when they suffer it when they were
feeling a little bit down we do the same
thing when you’re feeling a little down
you send out ten texts hoping to get one
back and what’s happening is because the
device is so can I borrow someone’s
phone when when someone thank you when
someone when here’s what happens the
kids are walking around with them all
the time
I now see girls walking around like this
like they’re not even holding them down
here it’s like this and I see boys
walking right like this this is just how
they walk it’s here it’s not here and
they put it on the table in front of
them and here let me show you what I
mean there’s a subconscious effect on
the on the people around us when we have
our phones and we’re all guilty of this
what if I’m holding my phone it’s not
tweeting it’s not buzzing it’s not
beeping and I’m not checking it I’m
simply holding my phone do you feel that
you’re the most important thing to me
right now no you do not and this is an
artificial environment simply by holding
the phone which means when we show up to
a meeting and we put our phones on the
table it says to the rest of the people
in the room you’re not the most
important thing to me right now
and by the way putting your phone upside
down is not more polite when we show up
for dinner with our families when we
have to have a conversation with one of
our students when we have to have a
conversation with a parent and we put a
phone on the table it says this is not
the most important thing to me right now
and you felt it and so the most
important thing to do is to get rid of
the device when you’re engaging with
another human being so when somebody
says can I ask you a question and you go
what’s on your mind because what it says
is you have my attention remember that
those chemicals when somebody says when
we feel that somebody actually cares
about us and if you don’t have a pocket
you go to a shelf nearby you put it down
you say what’s on your mind when someone
comes into your office you put the phone
in the desk you turn off the monitor you
shut the laptop you say what’s on your
mind right so what’s happening is kids
now they go for dinner with each other
hang out with each other at the lunch
table with each other and the phones are
out constantly and not only they’re just
on the table they’re actually they’re
actually engaging with people instead of
engaging with the people that they’re
with and they’re not actually learning
thank you they’re not actually learning
how to make friends they’re not actually
learning how to talk to people so I’ve
talked to many kids about this
that let’s say they’re using Google Maps
to get somewhere and their phone dies
they will spend more time looking for a
charger than simply asking somebody
where to go because they’re afraid to
talk to people and for slightly older
ones dating is the same you know you
swipe right and that’s it you can get a
date right like dating has been made so
easy it’s instant gratification and this
is part of the problem they’re growing
up in a world of instant gratification
where if you want to buy something you
go in Amazon it shows up the next day
you want to watch a movie you just log
on and watch it you don’t check movie
times you want to watch TV you don’t we
tweet to week to week you just binge
watch over a weekend if you want to get
a date you just log on and you can get a
date like no problem
and so what’s starting to happen is
they’re accused of being entitled I
don’t think they have a sense of
entitlement I think they’re wonderful
smart hard-working kids I think what
they have is a systemic impatience and
the problem is is they think that that
satisfaction in life fulfillment or even
love and friendship happen just as
immediately and they don’t it takes time
and it takes
unbelievable hard work and the problem
is they’re not learning the skills to
make friends they’re not learning the
skills to fall in love they’re not
learning the skills to talk to people
they’re not learning the skills to find
fulfillment because it’s slow and it’s
boring and it’s human and we’re starting
to see the results we’re starting to see
suicides are on the rise nobody kills
themselves because they’re hungry they
killed themselves because they’re lonely
we’re starting to see school shootings
on the rise in the 1960s there was one
in the 1980s there were 27 in the 1990s
there were 58 in the past decade we’ve
had over 120 70% were perpetrated by
kids born after the year 1980 most of
them are about 15 years old and though
we have no good science on it we know
anecdotally
that they spent a disproportionate
amount of their social lives
da-da-da-dah online human relationships
is what makes people happy this is why
solitary confinement is considered
torture in many places and what we’re
doing is basically solitary confinement
we’ve taken the kids away from each
other and they’re engaging with their
phones more than anything I for one do
not believe there should be a phone in a
school there should definitely not be a
phone in a classroom and I don’t know
why you need the internet in a classroom
either whatever they’re using they can
do not understand because giving and
it’s and the real
I’m draconian about it is the same
reason we take the alcohol out of the
alcoholics home because you can’t trust
the willpower it’s too powerful it is
addiction it is addiction we aren’t even
good at putting our phones away and so
now you’re going to ask a 12 year old a
10 year old and a 9 year old to do it
we’re out of our minds the only way to
do it is to take the phone away to ban
them in a classroom and ban them in a
school they will hate it at the
beginning and then watch what happens
I’ll give you some personal experiences
so when I go in to do workshops with
people I’ll sit with the roomful
executives and the first thing I do is I
take a bucket or a bowl and I walk
around the room and I make them throw
their phones in the bucket of the bowl I
get very dirty looks and they are not
happy these are some senior executives
that go like this right and I just I
take all the phones away and I put them
on the side and then we start the
workshop here’s what happens within a
few minutes everybody relaxes people
talk to each other and the most
important thing is the breaks because
usually what happens in a break and I
watch it happen here too as soon as we
stand up we go like this you’re all nice
and respectful when I’m on the stage but
as soon as we stop everybody’s checking
in right now as an aside there’s no
quicker way to undermine the trust and
your people than to feel the need that
you have to check in every hour as
opposed to saying hey guys I’m gonna be
out for a day you got this I trust you
right make it green check with Steve you
know but that’s what we do we respond
everything but worse we’re not engaging
with each other the value of these
events is each other and so when I take
these phones away from these executives
in the breaks they sit and they talk to
each other nobody goes to get their
phone I made no rule that said they
can’t I just put them away and put them
on the side they actually talk to each
other the quality of the workshop is
always fantastic and the best part is
when they walk out they actually are
talking to each other on their way out
in other words camaraderie simply by
forcing the phone to be taken away it’s
a mechanism to get the behavior that we
want David Mark K’s work talks about
this you don’t trying to change people’s
thinking to get the behavior you change
the behavior to change their thinking
and so sometimes you have to force it
there should never ever ever be a
cellphone in a conference in a
conference room I don’t care if you with
each other or with your parents whatever
or your meeting
your students theirs or yours there
should never be a cellphone out in any
kind of conference room ever because the
quality of the meetings goes up and I
promise you even though people will
grumble and even though they’ll hate it
and even though parents will say what
about an emergency here’s what you’re
doing an emergency call this number it’s
the it’s the school tell us little Jimmy
something happened to his grandmother
and we’ll go get little Jimmy for you
old school right like I got it there’s
an emergency that doesn’t mean the kid
has to have a phone on the whole time
because the negative impact is not worth
the not worth the benefit and at the end
of the day how many kids have really
been called up because I’m emergencies
on their phones I mean you know in my
world I would lift up a chicken wire
inside the sheetrock of all the schools
so the phones just don’t work
it’ll be like 80 you know anyway my
point is is what will start to happen is
simply by removing the device including
the cafeteria I’m not talking classroom
I’m talking everywhere you’ll start to
see the kids talking and learning how to
communicate and learning how to build
social relationships learning how to
talk to each other learning how to talk
to their teachers learning how to talk
to their parents they will acculturate
them socialize their skills that they’re
lacking that are manifesting in things
like depression suicide and school
shootings later on in life that’s those
are the worst-case scenarios the
best-case scenario is you just hate your
life and lived your life just going
through life thinking life sucks and not
really loving your friends college is
now are dealing with unprecedented
numbers of people dropping out or taking
leaves of happens absences because of
depression it all starts here you know
if there’s one school here that wants to
experiment and literally bans phones in
the entire building teachers included I
think phones should be treated like
smokers make as many texts as you want
send his MIT make as many personal calls
as you want
outside right at least smokers are
social at least they go out with each
other and the reason I say this is not
because of some highfalutin the I love
technology I think there’s nothing wrong
with technology it’s about the balance
alcohol is great drinking too much
alcohol is not good for you gambling is
fun gambling too much is not good for
you cellphones are wonderful out of
balance they’re absolutely addictive
and destructive to the relationships of
human beings and I bet one school could
demonstrate not only grades will improve
relationships will improve bullying will
improve all of that go sort of is
mitigated simply because the kids are
learning to talk to each other so I
wanted to bring it up because it’s it’s
a very real problem with adults as well
as as well as the teachers because
remember leadership starts at the top
which means if we we can’t tell the kids
not to use their phones if we use ours
teachers can’t use them either there can
be a place to use them teachers lounge
maybe you know after school but not in
the classroom it matters I’ve been doing
it myself I go out with my friends now
and I go out for dinner and I hand my
phone to my friend whoever I’m with I’ll
give them my phone I have no access to
it now and I relax and I enjoy my dinner
with my friend or I make everybody make
turn the phone one to the left we all
give our phones away that way it’s the
funniest thing somebody goes to the
bathroom what’s the first thing we do we
pull our phone out I think you know god
forbid we should like just enjoy the
surroundings for four minutes you know
or somebody else brings their phone out
we have to because we feel uncomfortable
just sort of like standing there so we
bring our phone out too
it’s what happens it’s what happens it
it has a ripple effect anyway I’ve beaten that horse a lot
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