Nana as she died of lung cancer and it
was only a couple of weeks between
diagnosis and death so it’s a really big
shock
or round and as the nurse in the family
I took a lead in caring for her in
getting her home from hospital and in
all of that time I involved my children
my children was six and four at that
time and they sat on the bed and they
chatted with Nana how only children can
pinched her sweeties you know go into
her hair gave her kisses goodbye when
they’d been to the hospice with me
several times where I worked and we
talked about death and dying and I had
to answered their questions as best I
thought I could both in the way that
they had understand as small people but
also in a way that I could cope with us
as mum and they knew that Nana would die
and they knew they wouldn’t see her
after a little while but that was okay
it was sad but it was okay now my family
were really really shocked that I
allowed my children to be involved in
this way and even more so in their
company in me to the funeral and my four
year old cheerfully announced at the
graveside in not very quiet stage
whisper that Nana’s body was going to be
eaten by worms but it was okay and it
didn’t matter because she didn’t need it
anymore because she was going to live in
our hearts forever and a few months
maybe a year later a member of my family
came to me and said Dallas I so wish I
had done that with my son he has been
having nightmares about when Nana has
gone and what has happened to her I
didn’t let him see her when she was
poorly I swerved the conversation about
what was happening to her and when
eventually I took him to the graveside
he could not reconcile in his we had the
place called heaven that mum said Nana
had gone to in this place in the ground
where she was apparently lying on top of
granddad we prepare for all sorts of
life events though
as we grow up as children as young
adults going to school taking exams
earning money relationships but the one
event that is totally relevant to
everybody in this room we swerve
I mean sometimes let the entertainment
business give sometimes sensational
representation of that and it is death
and dying death could be discussed in
the school curriculum across many many
different areas dying matters which is a
website full of resources and
information under the umbrella of
hospice UK advocates that death and
dying is brought into much of the
curriculum arts history music geography
to name but a few to help have a healthy
debate around what does it mean to die
how much better would it be to support a
child returning to school who is
bereaved in an environment which
acknowledges death and doesn’t try to
swerve it in the corridor how much
better to be a teacher who’s got some
skills in order to speak to that child
or indeed a colleague at Trinity I’m
really pleased to say that we do school
trips and everybody can always is a bit
of ghast when I say that schools come
and come around the hospice and see what
we do but having helped on a couple I am
overwhelmed by the response of the
pupils and the teachers and they’re
really intelligent and insightful
questions that they ask it is humbling
but of course all of this does need to
be done in an age-appropriate way and by
teachers who are brave enough to talk
about something where there are no
conclusive answers but the fact is that
the world mortality rate is 100%
it’s true sorry last year just over half
a million people died in England and
Wales just 4% of those were due to
accident or intentional self-harm so a
lot of us can predict that death is
coming but it remains a taboo we don’t
learn about it at school we don’t chat
about it around the dinner table as
children our pets are replaced and as
young adults we may never experience
alongside somebody who is dying let
alone be in the presence of a dead body
but then when death does touch us we
have to manage in the moment and that
moment is one of the hardest moments
that we will ever have in our lives and
usually we have to manage all of this
the complex social emotional physical
practical aspects of somebody dying in a
very short period when honestly our
physical and our emotional strength is
probably at its weakest and dying is a
complex business there are legal aspects
to consider financial social practical
as well as all of the emotional and
there are myths to debunk as well there
so that you can make decisions so that
your death or the way that your people
that you leave behind manage your death
cope can be the way you want it to so
did you know for instance that in the UK
you do not have to have a religious
person conductor of ceremony did you
also know that you actually don’t have
to have a funeral director if you don’t
want one it is perfectly possible if not
the norm to have a body at home to
liaise with the church or the
crematorium yourselves and use any
vehicle you like to transport the body
to that service a friend of mine had a
basic coffin delivered to her home so
that she could decorate it for her
mother’s funeral it was the most amazing
therapeutic experience for her raised a
few eyebrows in the street with her
neighbors but was fantastic for her and
in this technological age
have you considered your Facebook
account or that vast iTunes library that
you have do you want to send friend
requests from beyond the grave maybe you
do but you need to think about those
things on Facebook now I’m glad to say
you actually can go into settings and
nominate a legacy contact but I’m afraid
if you don’t want your iTunes to float
off into the ether you do need to leave
your account details and your password
with somebody and then you also have to
consider the other practicalities
writing a will a power of attorney
making your wishes known about whether
you want to be buried or chromia for me
it has some thoughts about the financial
costs as well talking about death and
dying is not easy we are not taught how
to do it but we must plan and we must
plan in order that we can continue to
live and make the most of our lives I’m
not advocating that we all go around
obsessed about talking about death and
dying I’m really not but I am advocating
that we have a courageous conversation
that we are brave just for a few minutes
an hour maybe with those that are
closest to us to talk about it to
acknowledge that it might happen we
might see it coming or we might not we
don’t want to leave those relief behind
guessing uh what we would have wanted we
don’t want to leave those who were
behind in conflict we don’t want to
leave them arguing amongst themselves we
owe it to them to give them some sort of
idea about what we would like we had
about ten days with Nana
to have these precious precious
conversations and she had a basic will
but had death not being upon her we
wouldn’t have talked to her about the
rest and I am quite sure that her
service and her care needs would not
have been the way that she wanted unless
we were able to have those conversations
we would have known that she wanted to
be buried with grandad but we probably
wouldn’t have bought her home to die and
she had some very very firm views on who
could see her naked bottom but as an
incredibly large family to have those
conversations met that meant that we all
found our place in the events that were
unfolding we all had a role and we all
had a reason and it meant that we came
together in a way that we would not have
done without that precious time and that
courageous conversation in a dying
matter survey in 2014 they suggest that
83% of us don’t want to talk about death
and dying
51% of us don’t know our partners wishes
and only 36% of us has actually written
a will so we’re not great at talking and
we’re not great
and all of these plans aren’t just about
dying
they’re about incapacity as well if you
were not able to communicate with the
world around you who would you want to
do that do they know you want to do that
and do they know what to say on your
behalf so this is not just about dying
this is about incapacity and it’s
interesting that despite being such a
taboo in this country there is a massive
amount of help out there for you in
order to make these plans digitally
there are apps and websites if you put
advanced care planning into Google
you’ll get over a million hits so
there’s plenty of help out there
something that you can do yourself and
something that you can pay for you can
write your own will you can do that it’s
a legally binding document you don’t
have to pay to have it done if you can
see death coming because of an illness
or a condition there’s even more help
available to you the UK is the world’s
leading country in palliative and
end-of-life care and this year is the
50th anniversary of the modern hospice
movement and if you go on hospice
websites or you speak to hospice staff
you can find any number of help for you
in planning and talking about death and
dying indeed at Trinity if you’ve gone
to our website you’ll find a tab called
planning for the future which has lots
and lots of interesting information and
further information for you to use
simple actions like having those
conversations and writing a will and the
courage to do that can have a lifetime
of difference on the people that we
leave behind and we owe them that in the
hospice we see all the time the conflict
and the distress that not having those
plans can make the bereaved remember how
we died they breathe that they remember
how we approach it and how it felt for
them so they spend that difficult time
thinking about the practical and the
legal aspects and the financial aspects
rather than adjusting to loss
they get us and depending on what media
you read a funeral costs between four
and nine thousand pounds so you know we
really might want to think about that do
we want to burden those that we’re
leaving behind with that financial cost
either temporarily or permanently
because we haven’t thought about who’s
accessing our bank accounts if I look
down on the world that I’ve left behind
when I die I really do not want to see
distress or conflict that could have
been averted by a brave conversation and
just pop him back to my children for a
minute there now young adults and we do
talk about death and dying from time to
time not all the time and I’m pretty
confident that they are as prepared as
they could be for the time that I die or
lose the capacity and they know where to
find the answers it’s a silver box
tucked away under the desk in the study
but of course we don’t know what it’s
like to be dead we can regale each
others with stories of other life events
childbirth for instance how wonderful it
was how awful it was how we’re never
going to do it again we can give
marriage another try we can change jobs
but we only die the once and nobody
comes back to tell us that it’s okay it
is the greatest unknown and to think of
not being here anymore to think about
what we might miss out on being
consigned to history if you like it’s a
really really scary thing even for me
working in palliative and end-of-life
care for as long as I have I still talk
in the abstract I talked from my
observations and my clinical knowledge
but I still personally don’t know what
it’s like to die so my challenge to all
of you today is to talk to make plans
and then get on with living life is
precious live every moment live every
day because the truth is we will all die and the Dare is accepting that thank