you have to get over this stop Halloween
he’s gone and he’s never coming back and
you have to let him go
you’re still not over it can you imagine
saying this to someone who’s loved one
just died after my fiancee Sergio died
after he heroically gave his life at the
World Trade Center on September 11th
2001 I heard these harsh words sometimes
from others and a lot of times I said
them to myself I recently met a 33 year
old woman whose fiance had suddenly died
three months before I was also 33 when
Sergio died so it was very easy for us
to connect and talked with fully about
our grief and she told me how she was
really really struggling that all she
wanted to do was lay down and cry
because the pain was so unrelenting and
how exhausting it was trying to maintain
a brave face for everyone else around
her and how she couldn’t focus at work
and how lost and completely disconnected
she felt from the woman she was the
happy and productive woman she was
before he died I told her that all of
what she was feeling resonated so deep
with my own experience and it comforted
her and gave her a sense of relief even
that she wasn’t going crazy I asked her
to tell me a bit about her fiancee and
she lit up she told me how sweet he was
that he would that he loved to wash her
hair which made her feel so beautiful
and so loved and I told her a little bit
about Sergio and how funny we were
together and how all of these years
later I can still hear his laughter
remembering all of the crazy stuff we
used to do I asked her about the support
she was receiving and she told me how
completely devastating it was when she
decided to go home for Christmas
and she drove hours and hours from
yeah me too me too New York only to be
greeted at the door by her mother who
said don’t come in here with that
sadness her mother also told her that it
was time to move on and that she should
really start dating again
and this was just weeks after her fiance
died I told her about the time I was
walking down the street and a neighbor
who I barely knew grabbed me to tell me
I know exactly how you feel my husband
was there too and as she pulled me into
her body she couldn’t continue to say
well he was my ex-husband and he got out
but I do know exactly how you feel
because that waiting was so hard and it
was such a tragic thing that happened
and you’re so young and you know you
really have to move on and then my
friend told me that someone else in her
family told her that she cried too much
she was going to get cataracts and the
craziest thing happened I started to
have these amazingly vivid visions of
tackling each and every one of those
people and pinning them down and with a
nice open hand smacking sensations of
them but I’m not a violent person and in
the words of Maya Angelou when you know
better you do better and I know that for
the most part these comments are well
intentioned because it’s in our nature
to want to fix things for people who are
hurting including ourselves and I also
know that these this line of reasoning
comes from either a blissful ignorance
of not having someone close to us died
and not really knowing the truth about
reef or the outdated approach to grief
which calls for us to be strong pick
ourselves back up and carry on with life
as usual whatever the reason and however
well intentioned
I’ve learned firsthand that telling
someone how to grieve
is not helpful and in fact causes more
harm than good
it puts horrible horrible pressure on
the person from making them feel as if
there’s something wrong with them for
feeling whatever it is that they need to
feel in order to get through it so I’m
here today to share a bit of wisdom that
I’ve learned in the last 15 years about
grief with the hopes that I can take
away some of that pressure on anyone who
is struggling with the loss of someone
they love and I also hope to shed a
little light for those who are wanting
to know how to serve how to support
someone they love who is grieving the
first thing is that grief is not
something that occurs in five stages
which flow neatly on a linear timeline
that is over in one year too many of us
have been duped into believing that once
we go through denial anger bargaining
depression and acceptance and that
usually takes about a year that grief is
going to be over the dark days at least
well it’s false the actual process and
timeline for grief is unique to the
individual because we are all wired
differently and we all have different
situations and circumstances that will
impact our ability to move forward after
devastating loss many of us who are
struggling with grief that relate better
to an ocean metaphor here we are on this
beautiful beach and we’re relaxing on a
beautiful lounge chair and life is
beautiful and we’re drinking our
delicious coconut water and we’re laying
back and the sun is shining on our face
and all of a sudden a tidal wave just
slams down on us and it crushes our
heart and then we’re violently yanked
into an unforgiving ocean and it’s dark
and you can’t breathe because your heart
is so crushed and you can’t get air and
you’re just trying to keep your head
above water and you can’t eat or sleep
when you’re being thrown around like
that and when you don’t breathe well or
eat well or sleep well you can’t
function well and when you can’t
function well
everything becomes difficult to do
thankfully though we can put on a life
jacket and fasten it with hope and the
inspiration of those who have crossed
those oceans before us and the support
of our family and our friends a good
grief counselor and a community of
others who are facing similar loss
however it is that we choose to stay
afloat it is up to us to navigate those
rough seas to discover new joy to regain
our self-confidence and our sense of
purpose and to courageously dive into
that ocean again and again becoming more
resilient along the way and with time we
can find our way back toward calmer
waters and a better more empathetic
version of ourselves
grief much like the ocean never ends it
ebbs and it flows it shifts and it
changes and we’ll never know when we’re
going to get hit with another wave and
with each wave I can’t stress this
enough it’s it’s crucial that we got to
feel it to heal it the work of brief and
it is extremely hard work involves
leaning into that pain and turning over
every uncomfortable emotion and having
them validated until we reach some sense
of resolution grief needs to be shared
not judged and words such as you must
miss him I’m here for you this must be
so hard you will get through this are
enough to help support a person who is
grieving
if we give ourselves and others the
space to grieve in whatever way they
need to we need to without judgment
we’re not only honoring the eternal love
that binds us with those who have died
we are also helping in the process of
bringing meaning to their lives and our
continued existence without them now two
of the things that I really struggled
with a lot during the early years of my
grief journey the first was this whole
idea that we have to move on well we
don’t move on we move forward grief is
not losing someone is not like losing a
job or an experiencing of failure that
we move on from instead we learn to live
with the pain of our loss and we move
forward when we are ready
carrying the love inspiration of our
loved ones and memories with us the
other thing that I had a really really
hard time with was this whole notion of
letting go you have to let him go what
I’ve learned is that the only things
that we have to let go of are our
expectations of the future we were
planning on having with our loved ones
we have to let go of our fear our guilt
our shame and any other negative
self-talk which will which can get in
the way of our healing we do not have to
let go of our memories or of our love or
of the idea we can no longer create new
memories with our loved ones as long as
we speak their names and share their
stories we get to create new memories
with our loved ones we don’t have to let
go in order let go of that love in order
to bring new love and joy in we get to
keep that love forever and we can add to
that love knowing that joy and sorrow
can coexist I’m living proof of that
I am grateful to say that I’ve been
living happily now for almost 11 years
with my other loves of my life my
wonderful husband Ray and our two
daughters I want to share this quote
with you and whoever wrote it really
deserves a standing ovation grief is the
last act of love we can give to those we
loved where there is deep grief there
was great love grief is a sacred rite of
passage and should be respected as such
it is a hero’s journey filled with deep
dark sorrow messy twists and turns
courageous battles love joy and
unexpected surprises through the
darkness of grief we see the light of
love which transcends depth and with all
of the pain that grief raised it can
also bring us gratitude for the gift of
time we had with our loved ones the
amount of which will always be too short
and for the pain which we would endure
again and again because that pain as a
result of loving someone so much that it
hurts to let their physical presence ago
when we really take in this profound
truth that grief is an act of love it is
that much easier to be gentler with
ourselves and others who are going
through it and I want to leave you with
this last thought this is the biggest
lesson that I learned in grief grief is
a big kick in the ass reminder that no
one gets out alive no one gets out alive
we are not guaranteed tomorrow or the
next minute for that matter so I want
you to ask yourselves are you living a
life filled with meaningful connections
and are you being the best person you
can be for yourself for the people you
love for that person who needs a helping
hand
for our world the truth is that every
one of you in this room right right now
is going to inevitably be the person
that someone will grieve over so I want
you to ask yourself what are you doing
now to inspire and strengthen those you
love to keep living without you when
you’re gone how do you want to be
remembered and how will you want your
loved ones to be treated when they are
grieving over you if you keep the answer
to this question in mind then maybe just
maybe we’ll never have such a harsh
response to grief again
he’s gone and he’s never coming back and
you have to let him go
you’re still not over it can you imagine
saying this to someone who’s loved one
just died after my fiancee Sergio died
after he heroically gave his life at the
World Trade Center on September 11th
2001 I heard these harsh words sometimes
from others and a lot of times I said
them to myself I recently met a 33 year
old woman whose fiance had suddenly died
three months before I was also 33 when
Sergio died so it was very easy for us
to connect and talked with fully about
our grief and she told me how she was
really really struggling that all she
wanted to do was lay down and cry
because the pain was so unrelenting and
how exhausting it was trying to maintain
a brave face for everyone else around
her and how she couldn’t focus at work
and how lost and completely disconnected
she felt from the woman she was the
happy and productive woman she was
before he died I told her that all of
what she was feeling resonated so deep
with my own experience and it comforted
her and gave her a sense of relief even
that she wasn’t going crazy I asked her
to tell me a bit about her fiancee and
she lit up she told me how sweet he was
that he would that he loved to wash her
hair which made her feel so beautiful
and so loved and I told her a little bit
about Sergio and how funny we were
together and how all of these years
later I can still hear his laughter
remembering all of the crazy stuff we
used to do I asked her about the support
she was receiving and she told me how
completely devastating it was when she
decided to go home for Christmas
and she drove hours and hours from
yeah me too me too New York only to be
greeted at the door by her mother who
said don’t come in here with that
sadness her mother also told her that it
was time to move on and that she should
really start dating again
and this was just weeks after her fiance
died I told her about the time I was
walking down the street and a neighbor
who I barely knew grabbed me to tell me
I know exactly how you feel my husband
was there too and as she pulled me into
her body she couldn’t continue to say
well he was my ex-husband and he got out
but I do know exactly how you feel
because that waiting was so hard and it
was such a tragic thing that happened
and you’re so young and you know you
really have to move on and then my
friend told me that someone else in her
family told her that she cried too much
she was going to get cataracts and the
craziest thing happened I started to
have these amazingly vivid visions of
tackling each and every one of those
people and pinning them down and with a
nice open hand smacking sensations of
them but I’m not a violent person and in
the words of Maya Angelou when you know
better you do better and I know that for
the most part these comments are well
intentioned because it’s in our nature
to want to fix things for people who are
hurting including ourselves and I also
know that these this line of reasoning
comes from either a blissful ignorance
of not having someone close to us died
and not really knowing the truth about
reef or the outdated approach to grief
which calls for us to be strong pick
ourselves back up and carry on with life
as usual whatever the reason and however
well intentioned
I’ve learned firsthand that telling
someone how to grieve
is not helpful and in fact causes more
harm than good
it puts horrible horrible pressure on
the person from making them feel as if
there’s something wrong with them for
feeling whatever it is that they need to
feel in order to get through it so I’m
here today to share a bit of wisdom that
I’ve learned in the last 15 years about
grief with the hopes that I can take
away some of that pressure on anyone who
is struggling with the loss of someone
they love and I also hope to shed a
little light for those who are wanting
to know how to serve how to support
someone they love who is grieving the
first thing is that grief is not
something that occurs in five stages
which flow neatly on a linear timeline
that is over in one year too many of us
have been duped into believing that once
we go through denial anger bargaining
depression and acceptance and that
usually takes about a year that grief is
going to be over the dark days at least
well it’s false the actual process and
timeline for grief is unique to the
individual because we are all wired
differently and we all have different
situations and circumstances that will
impact our ability to move forward after
devastating loss many of us who are
struggling with grief that relate better
to an ocean metaphor here we are on this
beautiful beach and we’re relaxing on a
beautiful lounge chair and life is
beautiful and we’re drinking our
delicious coconut water and we’re laying
back and the sun is shining on our face
and all of a sudden a tidal wave just
slams down on us and it crushes our
heart and then we’re violently yanked
into an unforgiving ocean and it’s dark
and you can’t breathe because your heart
is so crushed and you can’t get air and
you’re just trying to keep your head
above water and you can’t eat or sleep
when you’re being thrown around like
that and when you don’t breathe well or
eat well or sleep well you can’t
function well and when you can’t
function well
everything becomes difficult to do
thankfully though we can put on a life
jacket and fasten it with hope and the
inspiration of those who have crossed
those oceans before us and the support
of our family and our friends a good
grief counselor and a community of
others who are facing similar loss
however it is that we choose to stay
afloat it is up to us to navigate those
rough seas to discover new joy to regain
our self-confidence and our sense of
purpose and to courageously dive into
that ocean again and again becoming more
resilient along the way and with time we
can find our way back toward calmer
waters and a better more empathetic
version of ourselves
grief much like the ocean never ends it
ebbs and it flows it shifts and it
changes and we’ll never know when we’re
going to get hit with another wave and
with each wave I can’t stress this
enough it’s it’s crucial that we got to
feel it to heal it the work of brief and
it is extremely hard work involves
leaning into that pain and turning over
every uncomfortable emotion and having
them validated until we reach some sense
of resolution grief needs to be shared
not judged and words such as you must
miss him I’m here for you this must be
so hard you will get through this are
enough to help support a person who is
grieving
if we give ourselves and others the
space to grieve in whatever way they
need to we need to without judgment
we’re not only honoring the eternal love
that binds us with those who have died
we are also helping in the process of
bringing meaning to their lives and our
continued existence without them now two
of the things that I really struggled
with a lot during the early years of my
grief journey the first was this whole
idea that we have to move on well we
don’t move on we move forward grief is
not losing someone is not like losing a
job or an experiencing of failure that
we move on from instead we learn to live
with the pain of our loss and we move
forward when we are ready
carrying the love inspiration of our
loved ones and memories with us the
other thing that I had a really really
hard time with was this whole notion of
letting go you have to let him go what
I’ve learned is that the only things
that we have to let go of are our
expectations of the future we were
planning on having with our loved ones
we have to let go of our fear our guilt
our shame and any other negative
self-talk which will which can get in
the way of our healing we do not have to
let go of our memories or of our love or
of the idea we can no longer create new
memories with our loved ones as long as
we speak their names and share their
stories we get to create new memories
with our loved ones we don’t have to let
go in order let go of that love in order
to bring new love and joy in we get to
keep that love forever and we can add to
that love knowing that joy and sorrow
can coexist I’m living proof of that
I am grateful to say that I’ve been
living happily now for almost 11 years
with my other loves of my life my
wonderful husband Ray and our two
daughters I want to share this quote
with you and whoever wrote it really
deserves a standing ovation grief is the
last act of love we can give to those we
loved where there is deep grief there
was great love grief is a sacred rite of
passage and should be respected as such
it is a hero’s journey filled with deep
dark sorrow messy twists and turns
courageous battles love joy and
unexpected surprises through the
darkness of grief we see the light of
love which transcends depth and with all
of the pain that grief raised it can
also bring us gratitude for the gift of
time we had with our loved ones the
amount of which will always be too short
and for the pain which we would endure
again and again because that pain as a
result of loving someone so much that it
hurts to let their physical presence ago
when we really take in this profound
truth that grief is an act of love it is
that much easier to be gentler with
ourselves and others who are going
through it and I want to leave you with
this last thought this is the biggest
lesson that I learned in grief grief is
a big kick in the ass reminder that no
one gets out alive no one gets out alive
we are not guaranteed tomorrow or the
next minute for that matter so I want
you to ask yourselves are you living a
life filled with meaningful connections
and are you being the best person you
can be for yourself for the people you
love for that person who needs a helping
hand
for our world the truth is that every
one of you in this room right right now
is going to inevitably be the person
that someone will grieve over so I want
you to ask yourself what are you doing
now to inspire and strengthen those you
love to keep living without you when
you’re gone how do you want to be
remembered and how will you want your
loved ones to be treated when they are
grieving over you if you keep the answer
to this question in mind then maybe just
maybe we’ll never have such a harsh
response to grief again
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