[Music]
you
on a cold cloudless night in January I
drove away from town and toward the
mountains something in me had come
undone and I went in search of a way to
mend what felt so broken I didn’t know
what I was looking for but the mountains
had always been my faithful companions
silent giants that grounded me and
reminded me of my space in the world I
drove in search of myself parking my car
high up on a hill overlooking a snowy
open field the mountains and circling me
I looked up to the blanket of stars
stretched out above me they felt so
close and yet unimaginably far away I
held my gaze on those stars and I begged
please please tell me what to do please
save me from this life I needed a
miracle because my life had spun itself
into something completely chaotic and
out of sync I was working as a partner
in a law firm for a year at that time I
spent most of my energy chasing things I
thought mattered higher billable hours
bigger paycheck more responsibilities I
was trying to fill the holes in my soul
with busyness and industry and it felt
unbearably inauthentic the Paper Chase
had left me distant from my husband and
my children I shed out the things his
attention pained me reminded me of the
ways I wasn’t enough I tried to convince
myself if I got it all right on the
outside I would be okay on the inside of
course I knew that thinking was
tragically misguided but fear and
insecurity kept me clinging to it my
soul craved something real and so I
needed a moment to search the Stars and
open my heart and plead for something
sustaining to fill it I begged for
change in that cold darkness and change
was coming not in the package I was
expecting but in the package that was
ultimately necessary
a month later change showed up as
aggressive stage 3 breast cancer
diagnosis at age 33 with no genetic
indicators or other
pre-conditions I was hit hard and fast
with a life-altering do-or-die crossroad
I had two large tumors in my left breast
and the cancer had already spread to my
lymph nodes it was serious it was going
to require intense treatment and the
next year of my life would be spent
fighting to survive to make matters
worse I had launched my own law practice
only four days before my diagnosis I had
signed contracts to build an office that
would completely deplete our life
savings and as our family’s sole income
provider we immediately spiraled into a
long-term gradient panic about how we
would survive as a family and as a
business I didn’t know it then because I
didn’t know what was coming but looking
back knowing I would face serious and
life-threatening complications I can say
it was a deeply painful terrifying ride
I had awful complications from chemo red
swollen skin an infection that wouldn’t
resolve a blood clot in my heart the
size of a golf ball my flesh was cut
open
there was hole punched through it my
skin was burned and wet from radiation I
underwent surgery to have both breasts
removed and I’ll have reconstruction
later this fall but the hardest part was
that nothing was ever certain not my
health not my finances not my role as a
mother or spouse everything was spinning
around me and I couldn’t control any of
it I was a passenger on a train off its
tracks and cancer was the most difficult
thing I have ever survived but I am
Alive
thank you and it’s not because I
survived it was because I was presented
with a choice the day that diagnosis
landed in my lap I knew if I was going
to fight to survive I was going to fight
to live there was nothing I could do
about the cards I was dealt but I could
sure play the hell out of that hand from
the outset I decided to live a life that
was brave and bold and beautiful
that was my cancer challenge not
enduring the fight against disease but
in deciding to live life on my terms
even when I couldn’t control anything
I created a fresh start in that
surrender I found the courage to shed
what wasn’t working and I began dreaming
about something better cancer was my
moment to create a life that was whole
and meaningful I was presented with
something extraordinary and I believed
that through it I could create something
equally extraordinary so I did not on my
own No
I had a love army I started a blog
shortly after my diagnosis as a way to
keep in touch with family and friends my
writing soon became a way for me to sort
through the pain and to create genuine
connections with my readers I wrote when
I was feeling afraid I wrote when I was
devastated and feeling defeated my
little blog Katie over cancer soon grew
and it’s now been viewed by over 99
thousand people in 100 countries I wrote
with honesty and vulnerability I put my
suffering and my triumphs on display and
I committed to receiving and accepting
everything those moments could teach me
and something else blossomed and that
surrender a connection a shared
experience and the moments when I ran
out of Hope when I couldn’t find peace
my community showed up to hold me safe
and inspire me and that that’s what pain
revealed to me there is incredible
beauty in this world I have seen the
darkest nights I’ve been on the ground
unable to lift my eyes to the Stars and
do you know what happened and those my
months love happened love from all
corners of the earth people near and
dear old friends and new family and even
complete strangers offered their love
and kindness to me they saw I was
hurting and they held me up they gave of
themselves so I would have pieces of
them to hold me together little and big
acts of love helped me survive I’m just
one person in the world and yet the love
I have received the kindness and
compassion that have been extended to me
changed the course of my life forever
when clouds came and kept those stars
from my view love stepped in and
reminded me they were still there
love soothed my soul and healed my
wounds love inspired hope love restored
faith love overcame the dark because of
the love I received I took back what
cancer stole from me and I created more
I now live with purpose I have the
curiosity to find out who I really am
and the courage to become that person
love freed me from peddling perfection
and allowed me to lean into the lessons
pain and grief could teach me I am here
to remind you never forget how powerful
you are never forget what you have to
offer to someone else’s life and be
brave and finding the power of love in
your own life be bold give love freely
ask for and accept a love and never lose
your faith in your significance in the
world and your ability to create change
in your life and in others lean in to
love and always keep an eye on the sky
you
you
on a cold cloudless night in January I
drove away from town and toward the
mountains something in me had come
undone and I went in search of a way to
mend what felt so broken I didn’t know
what I was looking for but the mountains
had always been my faithful companions
silent giants that grounded me and
reminded me of my space in the world I
drove in search of myself parking my car
high up on a hill overlooking a snowy
open field the mountains and circling me
I looked up to the blanket of stars
stretched out above me they felt so
close and yet unimaginably far away I
held my gaze on those stars and I begged
please please tell me what to do please
save me from this life I needed a
miracle because my life had spun itself
into something completely chaotic and
out of sync I was working as a partner
in a law firm for a year at that time I
spent most of my energy chasing things I
thought mattered higher billable hours
bigger paycheck more responsibilities I
was trying to fill the holes in my soul
with busyness and industry and it felt
unbearably inauthentic the Paper Chase
had left me distant from my husband and
my children I shed out the things his
attention pained me reminded me of the
ways I wasn’t enough I tried to convince
myself if I got it all right on the
outside I would be okay on the inside of
course I knew that thinking was
tragically misguided but fear and
insecurity kept me clinging to it my
soul craved something real and so I
needed a moment to search the Stars and
open my heart and plead for something
sustaining to fill it I begged for
change in that cold darkness and change
was coming not in the package I was
expecting but in the package that was
ultimately necessary
a month later change showed up as
aggressive stage 3 breast cancer
diagnosis at age 33 with no genetic
indicators or other
pre-conditions I was hit hard and fast
with a life-altering do-or-die crossroad
I had two large tumors in my left breast
and the cancer had already spread to my
lymph nodes it was serious it was going
to require intense treatment and the
next year of my life would be spent
fighting to survive to make matters
worse I had launched my own law practice
only four days before my diagnosis I had
signed contracts to build an office that
would completely deplete our life
savings and as our family’s sole income
provider we immediately spiraled into a
long-term gradient panic about how we
would survive as a family and as a
business I didn’t know it then because I
didn’t know what was coming but looking
back knowing I would face serious and
life-threatening complications I can say
it was a deeply painful terrifying ride
I had awful complications from chemo red
swollen skin an infection that wouldn’t
resolve a blood clot in my heart the
size of a golf ball my flesh was cut
open
there was hole punched through it my
skin was burned and wet from radiation I
underwent surgery to have both breasts
removed and I’ll have reconstruction
later this fall but the hardest part was
that nothing was ever certain not my
health not my finances not my role as a
mother or spouse everything was spinning
around me and I couldn’t control any of
it I was a passenger on a train off its
tracks and cancer was the most difficult
thing I have ever survived but I am
Alive
thank you and it’s not because I
survived it was because I was presented
with a choice the day that diagnosis
landed in my lap I knew if I was going
to fight to survive I was going to fight
to live there was nothing I could do
about the cards I was dealt but I could
sure play the hell out of that hand from
the outset I decided to live a life that
was brave and bold and beautiful
that was my cancer challenge not
enduring the fight against disease but
in deciding to live life on my terms
even when I couldn’t control anything
I created a fresh start in that
surrender I found the courage to shed
what wasn’t working and I began dreaming
about something better cancer was my
moment to create a life that was whole
and meaningful I was presented with
something extraordinary and I believed
that through it I could create something
equally extraordinary so I did not on my
own No
I had a love army I started a blog
shortly after my diagnosis as a way to
keep in touch with family and friends my
writing soon became a way for me to sort
through the pain and to create genuine
connections with my readers I wrote when
I was feeling afraid I wrote when I was
devastated and feeling defeated my
little blog Katie over cancer soon grew
and it’s now been viewed by over 99
thousand people in 100 countries I wrote
with honesty and vulnerability I put my
suffering and my triumphs on display and
I committed to receiving and accepting
everything those moments could teach me
and something else blossomed and that
surrender a connection a shared
experience and the moments when I ran
out of Hope when I couldn’t find peace
my community showed up to hold me safe
and inspire me and that that’s what pain
revealed to me there is incredible
beauty in this world I have seen the
darkest nights I’ve been on the ground
unable to lift my eyes to the Stars and
do you know what happened and those my
months love happened love from all
corners of the earth people near and
dear old friends and new family and even
complete strangers offered their love
and kindness to me they saw I was
hurting and they held me up they gave of
themselves so I would have pieces of
them to hold me together little and big
acts of love helped me survive I’m just
one person in the world and yet the love
I have received the kindness and
compassion that have been extended to me
changed the course of my life forever
when clouds came and kept those stars
from my view love stepped in and
reminded me they were still there
love soothed my soul and healed my
wounds love inspired hope love restored
faith love overcame the dark because of
the love I received I took back what
cancer stole from me and I created more
I now live with purpose I have the
curiosity to find out who I really am
and the courage to become that person
love freed me from peddling perfection
and allowed me to lean into the lessons
pain and grief could teach me I am here
to remind you never forget how powerful
you are never forget what you have to
offer to someone else’s life and be
brave and finding the power of love in
your own life be bold give love freely
ask for and accept a love and never lose
your faith in your significance in the
world and your ability to create change
in your life and in others lean in to
love and always keep an eye on the sky
you
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