[Music]
picture a time when you were stuck in
some sort of adversity maybe it was
addiction possibly financial hardship
maybe it was loss of a relationship or
anxiety whatever it was I think of it as
being stuck in the muck and mire of life
on life’s terms and whether you put
yourself in the mind or your
circumstances put you there you have the
ability to rise above the murky water
and blossom it reminds me of the Lotus
plant a lotus plant cannot grow in clear
water it has to take root in the muddy
swamp and it digs itself into the mud
and establishes its roots and then it
grows a stem in and emerges above the
murky water so clean and pure against
the background of the dirty swamp and
blossoms into a pure white flower like
the lotus plant we too have the ability
to rise from our mood bloom out of
darkness and adversity and radiate into
the world the thicker and deeper the mud
the more beautiful the lotus blossoms hi
I’m Marty and I have muddy feet now I’ve
never been one for smooth sailing I
battled the thoughts of my mind I
battled the mind the lies my mind tells
me about myself and how those thoughts
take shape comes out in my personality
changes my behaviors and more
importantly in my choices I can’t seem
to ease up on kicking the horse for a
more thrilling ride or pressing the
pedal for faster speed or pushing the
cop for my share of power I’m pushing
the limits and it feels like I can’t
stop but the fact is I can stop here are
some strategies I’ve learned in my
journey that have helped me to get out
of the Muddy Waters number one and
crucial to change it starts with a
willingness those were the words I heard
from a caregiver at crisis intervention
when I called in the middle of the night
and I tired
suddenly asked how does a person stop
cutting I had developed a mental health
disorder that caused me to engage in
self-injury in fact I became addicted to
it and I didn’t think I could stop and
the lady said marty is so easy it starts
with a willingness I said what does that
mean expand on that and she said well
right now you would be willing to do
something other than hurt yourself such
as put your sharp object in the trash
tie the bag off take the trash out back
lock the door go upstairs watch a movie
and pet the dog till you fall asleep are
you willing to do that I said yes so I
did it that night and the next day I
woke up and I thought whoa those are
some pretty powerful words they seemed
to work I’m gonna practice that again so
again that day I practiced a willingness
and made it through another day without
self-injury
a week later I went back to my
psychiatrist and I said dr. nutter you
are not gonna believe this but I haven’t
cut myself in a whole week and with that
he wheeled his chair closer to me took
my hands looked into my eyes with the
biggest smile and said I can’t imagine
how hard that must have been for you
it was hard he said soon you’ll have two
weeks well soon I had three and then I
had a month and then had six months and
a year today I have 12 years injury free
self injury free because I’ve been
practicing a willingness they are five
simple words but powerful when put into
action so practice a start with a
willingness number two do your inside
work there I was with the muddy feet
again so muddy I could no longer see my
shoes I was sitting in cell 304 three
wearing that Lancaster County prison
wearing nothing but a turtle suit
a turtle suit is a quilted jumper it has
velcro at the shoulders it’s designed so
that an inmate can’t harm themselves I
had no blanket no pillow no book no
Bible no pencil no paper not even toilet
paper all they had in that cell with me
was a plastic cup for water and I had 23
hours a day to sit and think and do some
inside work you know we spend so much of
our time polishing the exterior of our
lives I kind of have the right title and
the right car the right outfit I want to
look good for you when we really need to
work on our insights and do some insight
work well I had those 23 hours a day and
I just stared at the green one I started
to create I created murals in my mind on
the green wall that I stared at from my
cot and thought about the people I loved
and the choices I was making and the
despair and ruin and sorrow and
loneliness that those choices were
bringing to me and I thought about the
things that I wanted to do and what I
could do with my life if I were willing
to make some changes and so I thought
you know I would love to come back to
the prison someday and help other people
make changes too but first I got to make
them so if your story now is all about
shame and sadness you get to create a
different more compelling version where
you go from hallo to hero and your life
becomes transformed do your inside work
number 3 self-talk keep it in the
positive when I was allowed pencil and
paper I wrote a letter to the warden and
I said dear warden my name is Marty I’m
sitting down here in South Rio for three
and I want to tell you something I’m
gonna work as hard as I possibly can to
make changes and I’m just introducing
myself because someday you’ll see more
of me I’m going to come back to the
prison someday when I’m well and I’m
gonna help others and inspire them to
make changes too and I mailed that
letter and I started taking my steps I
mean they were peepee steps but I walked
for ten years before the new warden
invited me to come into the prison three
days a week and do
sigh prevention I spoke to 125 new
inmates every week and I had 12 minutes
to throw out a line of hope now that
first day that I went into the prison
was a victory moment for me it was a
feeling of triumph anybody who was
somebody in the prison was there that
day the warden the deputy wardens mental
health all the important people were on
the block to see how this was going to
go down the guard radioed for the doors
to open 40 men stepped out and sat down
at the metal tables and I began to talk
I threw my lino Hoba I was trying to
snag a couple of people that wanted to
make changes in their lives and I
emphasize self-talk because what we say
to ourselves when we’re sitting on the
bench determines how we’ll hit the ball
when we’re up to bat again and when I
wrote that letter to the warden I wanted
to hit a home run this was my home run
day and I wanted for the men to hit a
home run – so inside talk or self-talk
follow the lava back to the source we
all have certain personality quirks
character traits character defects
whatever it is it can become permanent
and if we follow the lava back to the
source for the defining moment of when
that character trait was established we
can better understand it so we can
eliminate it from our lives I was six
years old it was a Sunday evening and
our family was going out for Sunday
dinner so my dad mom grandmother sister
and myself got in the Ford Falcon
remember those and we headed to the
bowling alley to pick up my two older
brothers and I ran into the bowling
alley with my mom to get the boys and I
got so distracted by the sights and
sounds of
the lanes you know the balls going down
the lanes the pins falling over this
this was awesome I thought and lost my
focus well when I regained focus I
turned to my mom and she was gone I ran
to the counter where the boys returned
the shoes and the boys were gone I ran
outside to the parking lot and the car
was going and so was my family now I
don’t know what part of dinner they were
on when they noticed I was missing they
did come back for me otherwise I
wouldn’t be here today
I’d still still be at the bowling alley
crying well needless to say I have a
fear of abandonment so it enables me to
work on that feeling of that fear of
abandonment it doesn’t mean I have to
keep the fear all my life but once I
understand a source I can better work on
it to eliminate it so follow the lava
back to the source now we’re ready for
number five which is get out of your
comfort zone to me a comfort zone is
like a big bubble maybe a small bubble
but anyhow we’re in a bubble and it’s
all cozy comfy in here I love it in here
I’m safe I don’t have to do anything
hard and the unfortunate part is that
all of the opportunities for ourselves
lie outside that bubble
I want to seize my opportunities because
I want more confidence I want more up
more growth I want more courage and
you’ve got to get out of your comfort
level if you’re afraid to do that then
do it afraid that’s how the lion got its
courage you think he was comfy on the
yellow brick road are you kidding me i
sat on my mom’s lap and trembled with
fear when I saw those crazy monkeys but
the lion stayed on the yellow brick road
with the monkeys he walked with them and
he he didn’t know it but he was gaining
more courage with each step along the
way follow the yellow brick road get out
of your comfort zone and allow yourself
to grow there is no Emerald City
fact is it’s the journey itself Emerald
City doesn’t even exist so be like the
lion get out of your comfort zone do it
afraid if you have to do it at all
but let yourself grow and number six get
an all-star lineup now to me that the
one of the truths about life is that we
can’t do life alone we need the support
of others in order to get through our
lives and I realized that when I was 23
years old I was terribly depressed I was
diagnosed with a serious mental health
disorder and I knew that in order for me
to complete my life journey I was going
to need a lot of support so I started
working at 23 on building my support
team and I build it and build it and I’m
65 today I have a village of support I
am so blessed I can go I well one of the
things I did for myself was whenever
somebody said something to me that
sparked some sort of feeling of
self-worth of me I wrote those words
down in a journal and dated it I can go
home today and reread words from 40
years ago 30 years ago 20 years ago and
I’ll be just as blessed by those words
today as I was when they said the words
that’s that’s one of the ways I maintain
myself it’s through the encouragement of
others so take a sampling or a
sprinkling of the kind words from
everybody in the community who has
encouraged in some manner and turned
them into a blueprint for achieving
recovery get an all-star lineup and
number seven another self-portrait here
by the way I do these I did these
drawings forgot to mention that in any
case remember that your history is not a
mistake on one of the days that I went
into the prison the deputy
warden stopped me and said hey Morty
we’ve got this woman from another
country we are so worried about her
we’re so scared she’s going to take her
life or attempt to take it she will not
talk to any of the prison staff mental
health the guards
anybody she will not talk to any of the
other women inmates maybe she’ll talk to
you are you willing of course so he
takes me up to block two five the block
I had been housed on darn if he doesn’t
turn to cell 304 three the very cell i
sat in ten years earlier the guard
radios for the door to open and they
asked me to walk in and sit down ten
years after the fact a healthier person
I walked back into that cell and I sat
in the cotton I took the woman’s hand
him before I started to talk to her I
took a moment for myself and I just
looked around that small space of cement
block that ugly green wall I saw her
plastic cup on the sink she had nothing
in there with her she was wearing the
turtle soup and then we started to talk
and I was able to give myself credit for
my willingness to journey through a
challenging life experience the
experience of being incarcerated you
know I thought I thought about you know
what would it be like if I take my life
in here but I would have given up fifty
years of my life and the people I loved
for a fifteen-day bad experience so
remember that your history is not a
mistake it’s what we do with our history
those are some strategies that helped me
in trying to get out of the mud trying
to hose down my feet so I can see my
shoes again and I’d like to close with a
poem that I really loved I read it 30
years ago and memorized it because it’s
such a good poem it was written by Dale
wim bro it was written in 1934 and
goes like this when you get what you
want your struggle for self and the
world makes you king for a day then go
the mirror and look at yourself and see
what that guy has to say for it isn’t
your mother or brother or wife whose
judgment on you must pass but the fellow
whose verdict counts most in your life
is the guy looking back from the glass
he’s the fella – please never mind all
the rest for he’s with you clean to the
end and you’ve passed your most
dangerous and difficult tests if the guy
in the glass is your friend you might be
like Jack Horner and chisel aplomb and
think you’re a wonderful guy
but the guy in glass says you are a bum
if you can’t look them straight in the
eye you may fool the whole world down
the pathway of years and get Pat’s on
the back as you pass but the final
result will be heartaches and tears if
you’ve cheated the guy in the glass
please don’t cheat yourselves break the
boundaries and barriers to keep you from
peace and enjoyment in life map out your
own blueprint for for recovery and
remember like the Lotus plan we have the
ability to rise from our mood bloom out
of darkness and adversity and radiate
into the world you can do this thank you [Applause]
picture a time when you were stuck in
some sort of adversity maybe it was
addiction possibly financial hardship
maybe it was loss of a relationship or
anxiety whatever it was I think of it as
being stuck in the muck and mire of life
on life’s terms and whether you put
yourself in the mind or your
circumstances put you there you have the
ability to rise above the murky water
and blossom it reminds me of the Lotus
plant a lotus plant cannot grow in clear
water it has to take root in the muddy
swamp and it digs itself into the mud
and establishes its roots and then it
grows a stem in and emerges above the
murky water so clean and pure against
the background of the dirty swamp and
blossoms into a pure white flower like
the lotus plant we too have the ability
to rise from our mood bloom out of
darkness and adversity and radiate into
the world the thicker and deeper the mud
the more beautiful the lotus blossoms hi
I’m Marty and I have muddy feet now I’ve
never been one for smooth sailing I
battled the thoughts of my mind I
battled the mind the lies my mind tells
me about myself and how those thoughts
take shape comes out in my personality
changes my behaviors and more
importantly in my choices I can’t seem
to ease up on kicking the horse for a
more thrilling ride or pressing the
pedal for faster speed or pushing the
cop for my share of power I’m pushing
the limits and it feels like I can’t
stop but the fact is I can stop here are
some strategies I’ve learned in my
journey that have helped me to get out
of the Muddy Waters number one and
crucial to change it starts with a
willingness those were the words I heard
from a caregiver at crisis intervention
when I called in the middle of the night
and I tired
suddenly asked how does a person stop
cutting I had developed a mental health
disorder that caused me to engage in
self-injury in fact I became addicted to
it and I didn’t think I could stop and
the lady said marty is so easy it starts
with a willingness I said what does that
mean expand on that and she said well
right now you would be willing to do
something other than hurt yourself such
as put your sharp object in the trash
tie the bag off take the trash out back
lock the door go upstairs watch a movie
and pet the dog till you fall asleep are
you willing to do that I said yes so I
did it that night and the next day I
woke up and I thought whoa those are
some pretty powerful words they seemed
to work I’m gonna practice that again so
again that day I practiced a willingness
and made it through another day without
self-injury
a week later I went back to my
psychiatrist and I said dr. nutter you
are not gonna believe this but I haven’t
cut myself in a whole week and with that
he wheeled his chair closer to me took
my hands looked into my eyes with the
biggest smile and said I can’t imagine
how hard that must have been for you
it was hard he said soon you’ll have two
weeks well soon I had three and then I
had a month and then had six months and
a year today I have 12 years injury free
self injury free because I’ve been
practicing a willingness they are five
simple words but powerful when put into
action so practice a start with a
willingness number two do your inside
work there I was with the muddy feet
again so muddy I could no longer see my
shoes I was sitting in cell 304 three
wearing that Lancaster County prison
wearing nothing but a turtle suit
a turtle suit is a quilted jumper it has
velcro at the shoulders it’s designed so
that an inmate can’t harm themselves I
had no blanket no pillow no book no
Bible no pencil no paper not even toilet
paper all they had in that cell with me
was a plastic cup for water and I had 23
hours a day to sit and think and do some
inside work you know we spend so much of
our time polishing the exterior of our
lives I kind of have the right title and
the right car the right outfit I want to
look good for you when we really need to
work on our insights and do some insight
work well I had those 23 hours a day and
I just stared at the green one I started
to create I created murals in my mind on
the green wall that I stared at from my
cot and thought about the people I loved
and the choices I was making and the
despair and ruin and sorrow and
loneliness that those choices were
bringing to me and I thought about the
things that I wanted to do and what I
could do with my life if I were willing
to make some changes and so I thought
you know I would love to come back to
the prison someday and help other people
make changes too but first I got to make
them so if your story now is all about
shame and sadness you get to create a
different more compelling version where
you go from hallo to hero and your life
becomes transformed do your inside work
number 3 self-talk keep it in the
positive when I was allowed pencil and
paper I wrote a letter to the warden and
I said dear warden my name is Marty I’m
sitting down here in South Rio for three
and I want to tell you something I’m
gonna work as hard as I possibly can to
make changes and I’m just introducing
myself because someday you’ll see more
of me I’m going to come back to the
prison someday when I’m well and I’m
gonna help others and inspire them to
make changes too and I mailed that
letter and I started taking my steps I
mean they were peepee steps but I walked
for ten years before the new warden
invited me to come into the prison three
days a week and do
sigh prevention I spoke to 125 new
inmates every week and I had 12 minutes
to throw out a line of hope now that
first day that I went into the prison
was a victory moment for me it was a
feeling of triumph anybody who was
somebody in the prison was there that
day the warden the deputy wardens mental
health all the important people were on
the block to see how this was going to
go down the guard radioed for the doors
to open 40 men stepped out and sat down
at the metal tables and I began to talk
I threw my lino Hoba I was trying to
snag a couple of people that wanted to
make changes in their lives and I
emphasize self-talk because what we say
to ourselves when we’re sitting on the
bench determines how we’ll hit the ball
when we’re up to bat again and when I
wrote that letter to the warden I wanted
to hit a home run this was my home run
day and I wanted for the men to hit a
home run – so inside talk or self-talk
follow the lava back to the source we
all have certain personality quirks
character traits character defects
whatever it is it can become permanent
and if we follow the lava back to the
source for the defining moment of when
that character trait was established we
can better understand it so we can
eliminate it from our lives I was six
years old it was a Sunday evening and
our family was going out for Sunday
dinner so my dad mom grandmother sister
and myself got in the Ford Falcon
remember those and we headed to the
bowling alley to pick up my two older
brothers and I ran into the bowling
alley with my mom to get the boys and I
got so distracted by the sights and
sounds of
the lanes you know the balls going down
the lanes the pins falling over this
this was awesome I thought and lost my
focus well when I regained focus I
turned to my mom and she was gone I ran
to the counter where the boys returned
the shoes and the boys were gone I ran
outside to the parking lot and the car
was going and so was my family now I
don’t know what part of dinner they were
on when they noticed I was missing they
did come back for me otherwise I
wouldn’t be here today
I’d still still be at the bowling alley
crying well needless to say I have a
fear of abandonment so it enables me to
work on that feeling of that fear of
abandonment it doesn’t mean I have to
keep the fear all my life but once I
understand a source I can better work on
it to eliminate it so follow the lava
back to the source now we’re ready for
number five which is get out of your
comfort zone to me a comfort zone is
like a big bubble maybe a small bubble
but anyhow we’re in a bubble and it’s
all cozy comfy in here I love it in here
I’m safe I don’t have to do anything
hard and the unfortunate part is that
all of the opportunities for ourselves
lie outside that bubble
I want to seize my opportunities because
I want more confidence I want more up
more growth I want more courage and
you’ve got to get out of your comfort
level if you’re afraid to do that then
do it afraid that’s how the lion got its
courage you think he was comfy on the
yellow brick road are you kidding me i
sat on my mom’s lap and trembled with
fear when I saw those crazy monkeys but
the lion stayed on the yellow brick road
with the monkeys he walked with them and
he he didn’t know it but he was gaining
more courage with each step along the
way follow the yellow brick road get out
of your comfort zone and allow yourself
to grow there is no Emerald City
fact is it’s the journey itself Emerald
City doesn’t even exist so be like the
lion get out of your comfort zone do it
afraid if you have to do it at all
but let yourself grow and number six get
an all-star lineup now to me that the
one of the truths about life is that we
can’t do life alone we need the support
of others in order to get through our
lives and I realized that when I was 23
years old I was terribly depressed I was
diagnosed with a serious mental health
disorder and I knew that in order for me
to complete my life journey I was going
to need a lot of support so I started
working at 23 on building my support
team and I build it and build it and I’m
65 today I have a village of support I
am so blessed I can go I well one of the
things I did for myself was whenever
somebody said something to me that
sparked some sort of feeling of
self-worth of me I wrote those words
down in a journal and dated it I can go
home today and reread words from 40
years ago 30 years ago 20 years ago and
I’ll be just as blessed by those words
today as I was when they said the words
that’s that’s one of the ways I maintain
myself it’s through the encouragement of
others so take a sampling or a
sprinkling of the kind words from
everybody in the community who has
encouraged in some manner and turned
them into a blueprint for achieving
recovery get an all-star lineup and
number seven another self-portrait here
by the way I do these I did these
drawings forgot to mention that in any
case remember that your history is not a
mistake on one of the days that I went
into the prison the deputy
warden stopped me and said hey Morty
we’ve got this woman from another
country we are so worried about her
we’re so scared she’s going to take her
life or attempt to take it she will not
talk to any of the prison staff mental
health the guards
anybody she will not talk to any of the
other women inmates maybe she’ll talk to
you are you willing of course so he
takes me up to block two five the block
I had been housed on darn if he doesn’t
turn to cell 304 three the very cell i
sat in ten years earlier the guard
radios for the door to open and they
asked me to walk in and sit down ten
years after the fact a healthier person
I walked back into that cell and I sat
in the cotton I took the woman’s hand
him before I started to talk to her I
took a moment for myself and I just
looked around that small space of cement
block that ugly green wall I saw her
plastic cup on the sink she had nothing
in there with her she was wearing the
turtle soup and then we started to talk
and I was able to give myself credit for
my willingness to journey through a
challenging life experience the
experience of being incarcerated you
know I thought I thought about you know
what would it be like if I take my life
in here but I would have given up fifty
years of my life and the people I loved
for a fifteen-day bad experience so
remember that your history is not a
mistake it’s what we do with our history
those are some strategies that helped me
in trying to get out of the mud trying
to hose down my feet so I can see my
shoes again and I’d like to close with a
poem that I really loved I read it 30
years ago and memorized it because it’s
such a good poem it was written by Dale
wim bro it was written in 1934 and
goes like this when you get what you
want your struggle for self and the
world makes you king for a day then go
the mirror and look at yourself and see
what that guy has to say for it isn’t
your mother or brother or wife whose
judgment on you must pass but the fellow
whose verdict counts most in your life
is the guy looking back from the glass
he’s the fella – please never mind all
the rest for he’s with you clean to the
end and you’ve passed your most
dangerous and difficult tests if the guy
in the glass is your friend you might be
like Jack Horner and chisel aplomb and
think you’re a wonderful guy
but the guy in glass says you are a bum
if you can’t look them straight in the
eye you may fool the whole world down
the pathway of years and get Pat’s on
the back as you pass but the final
result will be heartaches and tears if
you’ve cheated the guy in the glass
please don’t cheat yourselves break the
boundaries and barriers to keep you from
peace and enjoyment in life map out your
own blueprint for for recovery and
remember like the Lotus plan we have the
ability to rise from our mood bloom out
of darkness and adversity and radiate
into the world you can do this thank you [Applause]
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