have you ever asked yourself the
question how did I end up here now you
could have asked yourself in a practical
of way like why am i sitting in a
sanatorium on a Sunday evening or it
could be sort of a life big life
question like how did I end up in this
life maybe the answer to that made you
feel good and appreciative maybe it made
you feel sad and angry now I thought
about this question all my life and so
much so that a couple days ago I was
talking to my seven-year-old daughter
and I said to her I said I said sweetie
I said how do you think daddy ended up
in this life in this wonderful town with
three beautiful girls and an amazing
wife and all these nice things she
looked at me if their little doe eyes
and she said aren’t you supposed to be
just tucking me in right now and yes I
was and I was delaying that but the
reality is is while that was cute and
funny it’s a question I’ve taken very
very seriously and asked myself
frequently all my life because you see
when you are born into poverty on the
lowest rung on the ladder and you find
yourself near the top you ask yourself
how did I end up here when no one in
your family knew anyone who went to
college let alone went them themselves
and you now teach it one you ask
yourselves had an end up here and when
you spent too much time as a kid hiding
under your bed and fear of who would
enter your room and you now stand here
on the stage as an adult with confidence
you ask yourself how did I end up here
it’s a question that I think is an
important one to ask ourselves for a lot
of reasons I think you change how we see
ourselves but also how we see other
people now when I reflect on my own
journey it can be summarized in a very
simple way in a way that’s very familiar
to you know the American Dream two words
hard work and it goes something like
this my mom was a bartender and raised
three kids on her own because she worked
hard I went to school and I worked hard
I got into college and I worked harder I
got my first job I continued to work
hard I started my own company I worked
I worked hard to write a book I worked
hard and now here I am in that lovely
town with three amazing kids a beautiful
wife and nice things so why do I feel so
much anger and guilt I feel anger
because during this journey I saw other
people who just didn’t seem to have to
work as hard I felt guilty because I
knew people who I had left behind who
didn’t have the same advantages or
opportunities that I had and I knew
there was something that was missing
hard work did not tell the story in
complete way because if I was honest
with myself I know that I did not work
any harder than my mom who toiled behind
that bar night after night I did not
work any harder than my brother who
spent the last 30 years on the factory
line of harley-davidson I did not work
harder than my sister who drives an
18-wheel tractor trailer across the
country despite the fact she has lupus I
didn’t work harder than a lot of my
friends who have suffered different life
outcomes some who were sick some in
prison and some even dead so I had to go
on a journey for myself to understand
how can I stop feeling so angry and
guilty and how could I make sense of all
this so I’m gonna pause for some cool
science so the first thing I did is I
went around the country has been very
fortunate both in person and online to
have conversations and listen to
thousands of Americans talk about their
dreams and their struggles and their
obstacles I read all the research that
there was around social mobility what
really does contribute to how some
people move up and some people don’t and
most important that I sort of understood
the psychology behind how we think about
where we end up where we do and I want
to share three things with you the first
is the reality is there’s two lives we
live there are the facts of our lives
like what literally happened and there’s
how we remember our lives the stories we
tell ourselves and what’s more important
it’s the way we remember our lives there
are the headwinds in our lives those
things that sort of push us back
those obstacles we all face and there’s
the tailwind those things that help
propel us forward what do we remember
more the headwinds and finally I’ve
learned that hard work trumps everything
research will tell you that people think
it is the number one thing that’s
important for achieving greatness or
moving up in life that it can of
overcome any obstacle abuse bad
childhood etc we’ve seen it from rocky
to Rudy and every story in between it’s
a truth that we believe so I wanted to
try to understand what was the rest of
my story who were my tailwinds what
beyond my hard work contributed to where
I was the rest of my story I have to
sort of pause and apologize because I’ve
been told that the cardinal rule of
PowerPoint slides is no more than six
words my bad you see I think that it’s
okay to have rules for slides but not
rules for how we describe our lives and
in essence this is my dream team this is
how I got here if you take any one name
off of there I’m not here John McKinnon
comes from Scotland Nova Scotia
ultimately to Boston starting in 1840 he
doesn’t make that voyage I’m not here my
mom Daytona Roth not only was she great
if she provided that she was a buffer
that’s a psychological term that meant
that she kept me away from some of the
abuse and bad things around me and
helped make sense if I think about
people maybe I didn’t even know for
example Joan Ganz Cooney I didn’t know
who she was but she started Sesame
Street to make sure that I didn’t start
kindergarten behind my family gave me
the nickname the little professor sounds
silly enough but that nickname set the
expectation that I could go to college
when we think about other people on this
list I have to acknowledge right in the
middle it says if you didn’t notice that
I am white and I am a male and the
reality is those do have certain
advantages and if I’m neither I have to
ask myself am I still here now there are
other people Claiborne Pell
Claiborne Pell invents the Pell grant he
doesn’t do that I can’t afford to go to
college I’m not here jack downs was a
fifth grade teacher of mine took me and
my wing during a very difficult time he
doesn’t do that I’m not here and finally
to Iraqi brothers in England start a
company then they open an office in New
York if they don’t do that I don’t get
my first job I don’t move up the ladder
I don’t meet my amazing wife and so not
only am I not here but my three kids
aren’t either and the reality is the act
of sitting down and writing all of these
names down was profound but you still
may say so what why do you care about my
story what the reality is there was
another piece of research that showed
all of those other things I mentioned
before can be combated with one simple
thing the act of reflection the act of
asking ourselves how did I end up here
by going through that journey so for me
personally what that is meant is that
the anger and the guilt they’re gone
they’re replaced by appreciation and
compassion and most importantly a desire
to make my name on as many lists as
possible to be part of someone else’s
dream team but beyond me I’ve also seen
professionally what that means in the
lives of others I’ve seen stories of a
CEO who reflects on her journey up the
corporate ladder and upon doing so
raises the wages for all of her
employees I’ve seen the story of a
correction officers who previously had
abused the people in his care reflect on
his own experience as a foster child and
now instead of abusing them he’s
protecting them then of course there’s
our politicians politician reflects on
his life and poverty and the shame he
felt and goes on to create the war on
poverty to help millions move up this
power of reflection is limitless the
ability for us to change the way we see
ourselves and the way we see others now
today we’re having a lot of important
debates around inequality around needing
this sort of instill more grit in people
or to check our privilege or to be more
empathetic these are all important
concepts and ideas but they’re all
externally focused with someone else
should do how you should feel about
someone else
and they’re also divisive mention any
one of these concepts and you’ll turn
people off instead of asking ourselves
to look in now one definition of empathy
is to put yourself in someone else’s
shoes I would argue that we first need
to put ourselves in our own shoes now
this is an admittedly corny ask so
please bear with me but I want you to
look at your shoes hopefully you’ve once
worn your Sunday finest but now I want
you to continue looking at them and I
want to imagine who was there when you
took your first step who was there when
you fell and helped you up who was there
that walked you down the aisle to
graduation or your wedding who helped
you walk into that first job now at
first blush it may be like while I was
by myself
but think again who had to make those
steps possible now when we think about
this sort of question we think about our
shoes and the steps we walk and the
people that we help us I do that in a
way just to sort of provide something
very sort of simple for all of you a
prompt I started with the question how
did I end up here but the question is
for you to ask yourselves how did you
end up here who is on your dream team
who if they you took them from your
lives you’re not where you are today the
more often we ask that questions as
individuals in a society the better off
we will be thank you [Applause]
question how did I end up here now you
could have asked yourself in a practical
of way like why am i sitting in a
sanatorium on a Sunday evening or it
could be sort of a life big life
question like how did I end up in this
life maybe the answer to that made you
feel good and appreciative maybe it made
you feel sad and angry now I thought
about this question all my life and so
much so that a couple days ago I was
talking to my seven-year-old daughter
and I said to her I said I said sweetie
I said how do you think daddy ended up
in this life in this wonderful town with
three beautiful girls and an amazing
wife and all these nice things she
looked at me if their little doe eyes
and she said aren’t you supposed to be
just tucking me in right now and yes I
was and I was delaying that but the
reality is is while that was cute and
funny it’s a question I’ve taken very
very seriously and asked myself
frequently all my life because you see
when you are born into poverty on the
lowest rung on the ladder and you find
yourself near the top you ask yourself
how did I end up here when no one in
your family knew anyone who went to
college let alone went them themselves
and you now teach it one you ask
yourselves had an end up here and when
you spent too much time as a kid hiding
under your bed and fear of who would
enter your room and you now stand here
on the stage as an adult with confidence
you ask yourself how did I end up here
it’s a question that I think is an
important one to ask ourselves for a lot
of reasons I think you change how we see
ourselves but also how we see other
people now when I reflect on my own
journey it can be summarized in a very
simple way in a way that’s very familiar
to you know the American Dream two words
hard work and it goes something like
this my mom was a bartender and raised
three kids on her own because she worked
hard I went to school and I worked hard
I got into college and I worked harder I
got my first job I continued to work
hard I started my own company I worked
I worked hard to write a book I worked
hard and now here I am in that lovely
town with three amazing kids a beautiful
wife and nice things so why do I feel so
much anger and guilt I feel anger
because during this journey I saw other
people who just didn’t seem to have to
work as hard I felt guilty because I
knew people who I had left behind who
didn’t have the same advantages or
opportunities that I had and I knew
there was something that was missing
hard work did not tell the story in
complete way because if I was honest
with myself I know that I did not work
any harder than my mom who toiled behind
that bar night after night I did not
work any harder than my brother who
spent the last 30 years on the factory
line of harley-davidson I did not work
harder than my sister who drives an
18-wheel tractor trailer across the
country despite the fact she has lupus I
didn’t work harder than a lot of my
friends who have suffered different life
outcomes some who were sick some in
prison and some even dead so I had to go
on a journey for myself to understand
how can I stop feeling so angry and
guilty and how could I make sense of all
this so I’m gonna pause for some cool
science so the first thing I did is I
went around the country has been very
fortunate both in person and online to
have conversations and listen to
thousands of Americans talk about their
dreams and their struggles and their
obstacles I read all the research that
there was around social mobility what
really does contribute to how some
people move up and some people don’t and
most important that I sort of understood
the psychology behind how we think about
where we end up where we do and I want
to share three things with you the first
is the reality is there’s two lives we
live there are the facts of our lives
like what literally happened and there’s
how we remember our lives the stories we
tell ourselves and what’s more important
it’s the way we remember our lives there
are the headwinds in our lives those
things that sort of push us back
those obstacles we all face and there’s
the tailwind those things that help
propel us forward what do we remember
more the headwinds and finally I’ve
learned that hard work trumps everything
research will tell you that people think
it is the number one thing that’s
important for achieving greatness or
moving up in life that it can of
overcome any obstacle abuse bad
childhood etc we’ve seen it from rocky
to Rudy and every story in between it’s
a truth that we believe so I wanted to
try to understand what was the rest of
my story who were my tailwinds what
beyond my hard work contributed to where
I was the rest of my story I have to
sort of pause and apologize because I’ve
been told that the cardinal rule of
PowerPoint slides is no more than six
words my bad you see I think that it’s
okay to have rules for slides but not
rules for how we describe our lives and
in essence this is my dream team this is
how I got here if you take any one name
off of there I’m not here John McKinnon
comes from Scotland Nova Scotia
ultimately to Boston starting in 1840 he
doesn’t make that voyage I’m not here my
mom Daytona Roth not only was she great
if she provided that she was a buffer
that’s a psychological term that meant
that she kept me away from some of the
abuse and bad things around me and
helped make sense if I think about
people maybe I didn’t even know for
example Joan Ganz Cooney I didn’t know
who she was but she started Sesame
Street to make sure that I didn’t start
kindergarten behind my family gave me
the nickname the little professor sounds
silly enough but that nickname set the
expectation that I could go to college
when we think about other people on this
list I have to acknowledge right in the
middle it says if you didn’t notice that
I am white and I am a male and the
reality is those do have certain
advantages and if I’m neither I have to
ask myself am I still here now there are
other people Claiborne Pell
Claiborne Pell invents the Pell grant he
doesn’t do that I can’t afford to go to
college I’m not here jack downs was a
fifth grade teacher of mine took me and
my wing during a very difficult time he
doesn’t do that I’m not here and finally
to Iraqi brothers in England start a
company then they open an office in New
York if they don’t do that I don’t get
my first job I don’t move up the ladder
I don’t meet my amazing wife and so not
only am I not here but my three kids
aren’t either and the reality is the act
of sitting down and writing all of these
names down was profound but you still
may say so what why do you care about my
story what the reality is there was
another piece of research that showed
all of those other things I mentioned
before can be combated with one simple
thing the act of reflection the act of
asking ourselves how did I end up here
by going through that journey so for me
personally what that is meant is that
the anger and the guilt they’re gone
they’re replaced by appreciation and
compassion and most importantly a desire
to make my name on as many lists as
possible to be part of someone else’s
dream team but beyond me I’ve also seen
professionally what that means in the
lives of others I’ve seen stories of a
CEO who reflects on her journey up the
corporate ladder and upon doing so
raises the wages for all of her
employees I’ve seen the story of a
correction officers who previously had
abused the people in his care reflect on
his own experience as a foster child and
now instead of abusing them he’s
protecting them then of course there’s
our politicians politician reflects on
his life and poverty and the shame he
felt and goes on to create the war on
poverty to help millions move up this
power of reflection is limitless the
ability for us to change the way we see
ourselves and the way we see others now
today we’re having a lot of important
debates around inequality around needing
this sort of instill more grit in people
or to check our privilege or to be more
empathetic these are all important
concepts and ideas but they’re all
externally focused with someone else
should do how you should feel about
someone else
and they’re also divisive mention any
one of these concepts and you’ll turn
people off instead of asking ourselves
to look in now one definition of empathy
is to put yourself in someone else’s
shoes I would argue that we first need
to put ourselves in our own shoes now
this is an admittedly corny ask so
please bear with me but I want you to
look at your shoes hopefully you’ve once
worn your Sunday finest but now I want
you to continue looking at them and I
want to imagine who was there when you
took your first step who was there when
you fell and helped you up who was there
that walked you down the aisle to
graduation or your wedding who helped
you walk into that first job now at
first blush it may be like while I was
by myself
but think again who had to make those
steps possible now when we think about
this sort of question we think about our
shoes and the steps we walk and the
people that we help us I do that in a
way just to sort of provide something
very sort of simple for all of you a
prompt I started with the question how
did I end up here but the question is
for you to ask yourselves how did you
end up here who is on your dream team
who if they you took them from your
lives you’re not where you are today the
more often we ask that questions as
individuals in a society the better off
we will be thank you [Applause]
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