for years a friend of mine and I would
get together at the Shaw Festival in
Canada we’d rent a nice room a really
nice
in and taken as many plays as the two of
us could manage one of the things we
really liked about the inn was that it
was owned by a German couple who served
a fantastic gourmet breakfast every
morning in a long table in their dining
room and breakfast was a command
performance we would go around yelling
breakfast come to breakfast and he’d fly
us with house-made croissants he liked
to call them manmade croissants and
various other kinds of really wonderful
food and we were back there year after
year because the whole experience was so
wonderful but part of what we really
liked about the experience was the
conversations so we’d have this long
table and usually six to eight other six
to eight couples and have these great
conversations about how we’d spent our
time what we were going to do the next
day what plays we were going to see what
wineries had been visited what
activities were going on what was going
on in our lives and when this topic of
hospitality came up I was thinking about
what if the conversation at the
bed-and-breakfast took on the attitudes
of American political discourse you you
drink wine that’s what a waste of time
oh my god you don’t drink wine what’s
wrong with you it kind of Philistine are
you that you don’t drink wine all the
plays are the same that’s really stupid
to go how can you come here and not go
to all the place I actually can’t really
imagine engaging another adult like that
and yet that’s the way we often engage
each other in political discourse in the
United States especially on social media
and welcome to the United States where
the Democrats are stupid and the
Republicans are immoral or vice versa so
it’s thinking about what made these
conversations so good
on the other hand and thinking about
what if we brought the scene
attitudes to politics to political
discussions that we bring to breakfast
when we’re having breakfast at a nice
bed-and-breakfast with the good food and
nice company and so I was thinking that
what it takes then is genuine curiosity
about the other person an openness to
conversation an assumption of
similarities among the people talking to
each other and civility so what I mean
by genuine curiosity is what if we
really wanted to know why the other
person feels the way they feel my
friends know that I lived in Ohio for a
while and I didn’t really like it and a
lot of times at the bed-and-breakfast
I’d meet people from Ohio and I would
never say to them oh you’re from Ohio
I’d say so tell me what you like about
living in Toledo how are things going in
Dayton right now tell me more about the
air force base how’s it doing and so you
try to draw somebody out into a
conversation what if we brought that
same attitude to political discussions
and said you know what’s going on for
you with you right now
how do why do you feel that way I saw a
video recently by Robert Reich where he
talked about approaching opponents
civilly and with genuine curiosity but
then he also turned it almost
immediately to how to convince that
opponent of one’s own opinion what if we
weren’t looking to convince the opponent
of our opinion or even really thinking
of them as an opponent but rather just
really to see where they come from if
we’re not willing to talk to each other
then it lessens the conversation really
the idea also of openness to
conversation in the first place one of
the things that was nice about the
bed-and-breakfast was that we were all
at a table together but at the same time
if you try to apply that to political
discourse as Americans were
raise to believe that you don’t discuss
politics money or religion because those
are such sources of discord people
basically have their position and
they’re not going to move at the same
time those are three things that are
critically important to us and if we
only discuss politics during using
slogans at election time then we’re not
really discussing politics we don’t
really get a sense of this item that is
very important democracy is meant to be
based on deliberation and deliberation
goes beyond slogans so the very idea
that it’s not polite to discuss politics
stands in the way of having a
conversation with somebody else about
politics so the openness to having a
conversation keeps us from eating
breakfast at tables by ourselves also
the assumption of similarities so I’ll
admit that this was a very nice bed and
breakfast and so there were certainly
some social and economic similarities
also people go to niagara-on-the-lake to
attend the Shaw Festival
so people tended to be there either for
the plays or for the wineries so we
could assume that we were there for the
same reason it turns out that there are
actually some very strong similarities
among Americans in terms of political
values so Jonathan hate psychologist
points out that of the five strong
values two of them fairness reciprocity
and harm slash care are shared across
the board across the political spectrum
by Americans as fundamental political
values you then have authority loyalty
and purity which are much more strongly
held by conservatives than by liberals
but which also show up as values that
are held by liberals even though they’re
not held as strongly so if we assume
that we have certain things in common
then we’ve identified common ground
where we can begin a discussion
I think it’s also important to keep in
mind the idea of civility the idea of
being polite to the person you’re
talking to and I think today especially
on social media we’re seeing a very
strong lack of civility people like to
have discussions using memes and pretty
much they want to post their meme and
walk away from it and any discussion or
any request for justification is seen
often as an attack and responded to with
hostility I respond to memes I get
myself in trouble that way so you know
the meme that says that Iceland elected
the first woman president yeah tell that
to the Israelis in India the meme that
says that the United States is the only
country that doesn’t have a
comprehensive health care system also
not true also not the only place in the
Western world were comprehensive health
care is under attack so I respond to
memes that I usually get a hostile
response to my response to the memes
and I’ve noticed also that I’m not
always able to be civil myself I
recently had a conversation with a dear
friend where we were talking about the
welfare system and she said that women
who wanted welfare benefits should agree
to be sterilized in order to receive
those benefits I was outraged and I
responded very sharply and my friend was
very offended by my response so we both
left the conversation shut down we both
left angry and offended and neither one
of us really benefited from that
conversation so I wonder in retrospect
if I had been able to respond by asking
her with genuine curiosity where that
idea came from for her and why she felt
that way if we might have had a better
conversation I might not have convinced
her of anything and she might not have
convinced me of anything but we both
might have learned more about how the
other one felt about poverty privacy and
population control and we might both
have benefited from that there is
actually research that says that
suggesting that people be more civil in
their political discussions is a waste
of time that it’s just pointless to say
that oh you should be more polite
what I find however though is that when
I model that behavior when I am myself
more civil to others I get a more civil
response from others and so I think that
I will continue to try to approach
political discussions as if I were at a
bed-and-breakfast and maybe you know if
we all did that we might discover that
Republicans aren’t stupid and Democrats
aren’t immoral [Applause]
get together at the Shaw Festival in
Canada we’d rent a nice room a really
nice
in and taken as many plays as the two of
us could manage one of the things we
really liked about the inn was that it
was owned by a German couple who served
a fantastic gourmet breakfast every
morning in a long table in their dining
room and breakfast was a command
performance we would go around yelling
breakfast come to breakfast and he’d fly
us with house-made croissants he liked
to call them manmade croissants and
various other kinds of really wonderful
food and we were back there year after
year because the whole experience was so
wonderful but part of what we really
liked about the experience was the
conversations so we’d have this long
table and usually six to eight other six
to eight couples and have these great
conversations about how we’d spent our
time what we were going to do the next
day what plays we were going to see what
wineries had been visited what
activities were going on what was going
on in our lives and when this topic of
hospitality came up I was thinking about
what if the conversation at the
bed-and-breakfast took on the attitudes
of American political discourse you you
drink wine that’s what a waste of time
oh my god you don’t drink wine what’s
wrong with you it kind of Philistine are
you that you don’t drink wine all the
plays are the same that’s really stupid
to go how can you come here and not go
to all the place I actually can’t really
imagine engaging another adult like that
and yet that’s the way we often engage
each other in political discourse in the
United States especially on social media
and welcome to the United States where
the Democrats are stupid and the
Republicans are immoral or vice versa so
it’s thinking about what made these
conversations so good
on the other hand and thinking about
what if we brought the scene
attitudes to politics to political
discussions that we bring to breakfast
when we’re having breakfast at a nice
bed-and-breakfast with the good food and
nice company and so I was thinking that
what it takes then is genuine curiosity
about the other person an openness to
conversation an assumption of
similarities among the people talking to
each other and civility so what I mean
by genuine curiosity is what if we
really wanted to know why the other
person feels the way they feel my
friends know that I lived in Ohio for a
while and I didn’t really like it and a
lot of times at the bed-and-breakfast
I’d meet people from Ohio and I would
never say to them oh you’re from Ohio
I’d say so tell me what you like about
living in Toledo how are things going in
Dayton right now tell me more about the
air force base how’s it doing and so you
try to draw somebody out into a
conversation what if we brought that
same attitude to political discussions
and said you know what’s going on for
you with you right now
how do why do you feel that way I saw a
video recently by Robert Reich where he
talked about approaching opponents
civilly and with genuine curiosity but
then he also turned it almost
immediately to how to convince that
opponent of one’s own opinion what if we
weren’t looking to convince the opponent
of our opinion or even really thinking
of them as an opponent but rather just
really to see where they come from if
we’re not willing to talk to each other
then it lessens the conversation really
the idea also of openness to
conversation in the first place one of
the things that was nice about the
bed-and-breakfast was that we were all
at a table together but at the same time
if you try to apply that to political
discourse as Americans were
raise to believe that you don’t discuss
politics money or religion because those
are such sources of discord people
basically have their position and
they’re not going to move at the same
time those are three things that are
critically important to us and if we
only discuss politics during using
slogans at election time then we’re not
really discussing politics we don’t
really get a sense of this item that is
very important democracy is meant to be
based on deliberation and deliberation
goes beyond slogans so the very idea
that it’s not polite to discuss politics
stands in the way of having a
conversation with somebody else about
politics so the openness to having a
conversation keeps us from eating
breakfast at tables by ourselves also
the assumption of similarities so I’ll
admit that this was a very nice bed and
breakfast and so there were certainly
some social and economic similarities
also people go to niagara-on-the-lake to
attend the Shaw Festival
so people tended to be there either for
the plays or for the wineries so we
could assume that we were there for the
same reason it turns out that there are
actually some very strong similarities
among Americans in terms of political
values so Jonathan hate psychologist
points out that of the five strong
values two of them fairness reciprocity
and harm slash care are shared across
the board across the political spectrum
by Americans as fundamental political
values you then have authority loyalty
and purity which are much more strongly
held by conservatives than by liberals
but which also show up as values that
are held by liberals even though they’re
not held as strongly so if we assume
that we have certain things in common
then we’ve identified common ground
where we can begin a discussion
I think it’s also important to keep in
mind the idea of civility the idea of
being polite to the person you’re
talking to and I think today especially
on social media we’re seeing a very
strong lack of civility people like to
have discussions using memes and pretty
much they want to post their meme and
walk away from it and any discussion or
any request for justification is seen
often as an attack and responded to with
hostility I respond to memes I get
myself in trouble that way so you know
the meme that says that Iceland elected
the first woman president yeah tell that
to the Israelis in India the meme that
says that the United States is the only
country that doesn’t have a
comprehensive health care system also
not true also not the only place in the
Western world were comprehensive health
care is under attack so I respond to
memes that I usually get a hostile
response to my response to the memes
and I’ve noticed also that I’m not
always able to be civil myself I
recently had a conversation with a dear
friend where we were talking about the
welfare system and she said that women
who wanted welfare benefits should agree
to be sterilized in order to receive
those benefits I was outraged and I
responded very sharply and my friend was
very offended by my response so we both
left the conversation shut down we both
left angry and offended and neither one
of us really benefited from that
conversation so I wonder in retrospect
if I had been able to respond by asking
her with genuine curiosity where that
idea came from for her and why she felt
that way if we might have had a better
conversation I might not have convinced
her of anything and she might not have
convinced me of anything but we both
might have learned more about how the
other one felt about poverty privacy and
population control and we might both
have benefited from that there is
actually research that says that
suggesting that people be more civil in
their political discussions is a waste
of time that it’s just pointless to say
that oh you should be more polite
what I find however though is that when
I model that behavior when I am myself
more civil to others I get a more civil
response from others and so I think that
I will continue to try to approach
political discussions as if I were at a
bed-and-breakfast and maybe you know if
we all did that we might discover that
Republicans aren’t stupid and Democrats
aren’t immoral [Applause]
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