[Applause]
it was a long day at work and I had
finally come to the final meeting of the
day and this wasn’t like a typical
meeting you know those afternoon
meetings where you usually are in a food
coma and you’re looking at your watch
counting down the time to go home nah
this wasn’t one of those meetings this
was a very exciting meeting we were
talking about something that was
exciting happening within the
organization at that moment so everyone
was engaged at the end of the meeting we
came to a point where it was decision
time where we actually had a moment to
think about what are our next steps and
how soon can we get it done well the
leader of the meeting proposed a
timeline and I’ll tell you the room fell
silent it felt like 10 minutes but it
was like 5 seconds to be honest with you
so everybody fell silent and then all of
a sudden a voice emerged now when I was
thinking about why they fell silent it
was because the time line to be honest
with you it was really really short so
everyone was like how are we gonna do
this but all of a sudden a voice emerged
in all of the silence and that person
was looking dead at me and they said
based on she need a space I don’t think
wait a minute did that just happen yeah
that that just happened in front of
everybody yeah it happened and so I’m
sitting there in my mind going woah what
happened first of all fix your face so I
went immediately from like because I had
to get this you know I had to like stop
the whole room was looking at me so I
tried to fix my face but had so many
things going through my mind why would
this individual say this like out loud
in front of everyone and trying to think
about that individuals motive and what I
found was there was something happening
in that room that I really had to take a
step back and think about now I’m a
professional part of me wanted to you
know defend myself and say hey guy this
is my face so this is just what it is
but part of me also wanted to leave out
of the room there were individuals in
that room that I hadn’t met for the very
first time and I’m worried about what
they may be thinking about me because of
that so I stepped back and I thought
about what was really happening
because in that room while I was feeling
as though I showed up very pensive and
thoughtful about the timeline he thought
I look like this and that wasn’t my
intention so what was really happening I
had actually just received feedback now
I know you typically typically think
about feedback as a private conversation
between your supervisor and yourself
behind closed doors but the reality is
feedback is everywhere feedback is
simply information and it can be
presented to us about our performance it
can be presented to us about our style
it could be presented to us about our
intellect our children our passions our
purpose and yes even our face you see
feedback is complicated
it’s something I think it’s complicated
because you have no control over who
gives it to you when they give it to you
how they give it to you and where they
give it to you we just have to be
prepared
to handle it when it comes but you see
that’s where lies the problem
I actually think we’ve been spending too
much time focusing on one area of
feedback and not flexing our muscles in
another when it comes to feedback we’ve
been primarily focused on our
preparation around receiving feedback
you know how do you remain calm cool and
collected with someone’s telling you
that you’re not meeting expectations and
you’re not meeting right their goal how
do you do that so there’s a lot of
research and there’s been a lot of books
and studies and training workshops I’ve
even facilitated some of them on how do
you receive feedback so we’ve learned
over time to not smile and say thank you
for your feedback right say it with me
thank you for your feedback we’ve all
said it but were you really thankful for
it right so we’ve done a really good job
of doing that in the moment but there’s
a side of feedback that I fear has been
overlooked have you really thought about
what happens when you receive the
feedback they leave and you’re sitting
there alone with just your thoughts and
there’s there’s an experience that
happens around feedback that we don’t
talk about what are you saying to
yourself after that door closes are you
saying to yourself I’m not good enough
are you now saying to yourself I’m not
valuable that’s the part of feedback we
need to focus on because receiving
feedback is all about what they say to
you but processing feedback is about
what you say to yourself we cannot
simply focus on the act of receiving
feedback it’s time that we talk about
processing it effectively I actually
conducted a study a survey put a survey
out
and seventy percent of the respondents
said that they they had either felt sad
or had cried as they were after they had
received feedback and I think we can all
relate to that if you think about your
life has there been a moment where you
receive something and it hurt and you
thought about it and you’ve thought
about it over and over again in the
moment you might have told them our
classic thank you for the feedback but
when that door shut you were questioning
your abilities and maybe even your
purpose a psychologist by the name of
Robert Firestone calls it the inner
voice the inner voice the thoughts that
we say to ourselves it is pretty tough
on us sometimes we’ve heard the adage
you know where our worst critic
well that inner voice can sabotage our
successes negatively impact our
relationships and prevent us from living
the life that we were destined to live
if we allow them to stay with us and I
took a moment and step back and thought
about this I said wait let me examine
feedback when I thought about the pain
that I experienced with feedback it was
only 20 percent of what they said to me
but was 80 percent of what I said to
myself so it made me really think about
feedback in a completely different way
our thoughts and only our thoughts have
the ability to tear away at our
self-esteem our self-worth and our
self-confidence so it’s important that
we examine them because the average
human being has about 60 to 70 thousand
thoughts per day and if we don’t think
about them and be intentional about how
we’re processing them it can be
dictating how we show up and manifest in
the world so that’s when I realized
there are actually two ways to process
feedback one that’s healthy and one
that’s not I call them the sponge
mentality and the strainer mentality the
sponge mentality occurs when you have an
unhealthy relationship with feedback
when presented with feedback we tend to
come out like it’s an emergency
soak it all in and hold on to it we try
to absorb it all with the hopes of
acting on it and erasing any mess that
ever existed now I know firsthand what
it’s like to have a sponge mentality my
interactions with my dad were the first
experiences where I got to learn how I
responded to feedback there was one time
my father said chanita I expected more
from you and I know it probably wasn’t
his intention but for me I internalized
it as I’m never good enough now I carry
that thought with me for quite some time
I carried it with me through grammar
school college the workplace now as a
mother of three I wasn’t good enough
that’s a really tough thought to hold on
to four years would you agree but we all
have that if you were to think about
your life and if I were to actually open
your mental closet oh yeah I’m sure I
find a whole lot of thoughts that you’ve
been holding on to for a long time some
of us may have been holding on to some
thoughts for five days ago maybe
something happened to you five days ago
and you’re still thinking about it some
of us it happened five months ago and
we’re still thinking about it and for
some of us maybe even five 10 15 years
ago and when you think about that and
you hold on to those things it has the
potential to derail you to hold you back
from walking in your purpose and leaving
of living a full life because it’s so
heavy on your mind so as a sponge you
can only hold on to so much if you think
about it until you become oversaturated
have you ever felt oversaturated before
where you just had so much feedback you
felt really really heavy and at that
point you become ineffective and as a
result if you think about a sponge over
time they begin to erode so I knew that
being a sponge was not the way to go so
thank goodness there’s an alternative
I’ve been thinking about the strainer
after 30
years of being a sponge personally I
knew I needed a healthier way to process
feedback so I had to adopt what I called
the strainer mentality which is a more
intentional approach to feedback this
quote really sums up the essence of the
strainer mentality it says mistakes
should be examined learn from and
discarded not dwelled upon and stored so
how have we been getting this wrong this
whole time we’ve been holding on to them
forcing ourselves to remember the
mistakes we’ve made ah we should be
learning from them examining them and
discarding them now this is not about
rejecting feedback that you don’t like
chanita said we could use the strainer
so I’m gonna go ahead and reject that
but no it’s about an intentional
approach and being really thoughtful in
examining a strainer everything can go
in but everything doesn’t get to stay so
one day I found my I found myself in a
moment where I was really overwhelmed I
have felt this this heaviness to the
point where have your eyes ever started
to well up where you feel like what is
going on well when I thought about it it
was because I had so many feedback
sources
I had my wonderful husband my beautiful
three children my team members my peers
my teachers my family my friends even
strangers on the road you guys all
probably got feedback this morning
there’s feedback everywhere and there
was a point where I found myself holding
on to so much that’s when I realized it
is time to strain this thing it is time
to make space in my life for even the
good feedback if I’m so full with all of
the things I’ve done wrong how do I
actually continue to manifest the great
things that are working so well so I had
to let go of the stories I created
surrounding people’s motive when they
gave me feedback because we do that
their motive I focused on I stopped
focusing on their delivery style oh they
could have said it a little nicer than
that I had to stop focusing on their
tone why did they say it like that they
could have said it with smile
I had to stop focusing on the timing
like okay they said this later or could
they have said this after the TEDx was
over I had to stop fixating and I had to
also give myself permission to hear the
feedback but not always agree with the
feedback once I did those things it
became so much easier to evaluate learn
from it and let it go it was almost like
that song let it go let it go not a
great singer singing it doesn’t help you
let it go you’re saying but I I was at
that place where my body was like let’s
do this so feedback is valuable and it
is important to our growth but we cannot
grow from it if we have a sponge
mentality we have to do more than simply
soak it all in and smile and stay calm
we actually have to be more intentional
with what we allow feedback to do in our
lives the strainer mentality helps you
focus on the feedback and it allows you
to let go and letting go is a skill that
I think we all need we have to teach our
kids how to do this on the playground
with their chip with their peers we have
to teach our employees and our staff
members to do it at work we have to
teach our family members how to strain
it and let it go – at home but more
importantly we have to teach ourselves
our lives and maybe even our faces
depend on it thank you [Applause]
it was a long day at work and I had
finally come to the final meeting of the
day and this wasn’t like a typical
meeting you know those afternoon
meetings where you usually are in a food
coma and you’re looking at your watch
counting down the time to go home nah
this wasn’t one of those meetings this
was a very exciting meeting we were
talking about something that was
exciting happening within the
organization at that moment so everyone
was engaged at the end of the meeting we
came to a point where it was decision
time where we actually had a moment to
think about what are our next steps and
how soon can we get it done well the
leader of the meeting proposed a
timeline and I’ll tell you the room fell
silent it felt like 10 minutes but it
was like 5 seconds to be honest with you
so everybody fell silent and then all of
a sudden a voice emerged now when I was
thinking about why they fell silent it
was because the time line to be honest
with you it was really really short so
everyone was like how are we gonna do
this but all of a sudden a voice emerged
in all of the silence and that person
was looking dead at me and they said
based on she need a space I don’t think
wait a minute did that just happen yeah
that that just happened in front of
everybody yeah it happened and so I’m
sitting there in my mind going woah what
happened first of all fix your face so I
went immediately from like because I had
to get this you know I had to like stop
the whole room was looking at me so I
tried to fix my face but had so many
things going through my mind why would
this individual say this like out loud
in front of everyone and trying to think
about that individuals motive and what I
found was there was something happening
in that room that I really had to take a
step back and think about now I’m a
professional part of me wanted to you
know defend myself and say hey guy this
is my face so this is just what it is
but part of me also wanted to leave out
of the room there were individuals in
that room that I hadn’t met for the very
first time and I’m worried about what
they may be thinking about me because of
that so I stepped back and I thought
about what was really happening
because in that room while I was feeling
as though I showed up very pensive and
thoughtful about the timeline he thought
I look like this and that wasn’t my
intention so what was really happening I
had actually just received feedback now
I know you typically typically think
about feedback as a private conversation
between your supervisor and yourself
behind closed doors but the reality is
feedback is everywhere feedback is
simply information and it can be
presented to us about our performance it
can be presented to us about our style
it could be presented to us about our
intellect our children our passions our
purpose and yes even our face you see
feedback is complicated
it’s something I think it’s complicated
because you have no control over who
gives it to you when they give it to you
how they give it to you and where they
give it to you we just have to be
prepared
to handle it when it comes but you see
that’s where lies the problem
I actually think we’ve been spending too
much time focusing on one area of
feedback and not flexing our muscles in
another when it comes to feedback we’ve
been primarily focused on our
preparation around receiving feedback
you know how do you remain calm cool and
collected with someone’s telling you
that you’re not meeting expectations and
you’re not meeting right their goal how
do you do that so there’s a lot of
research and there’s been a lot of books
and studies and training workshops I’ve
even facilitated some of them on how do
you receive feedback so we’ve learned
over time to not smile and say thank you
for your feedback right say it with me
thank you for your feedback we’ve all
said it but were you really thankful for
it right so we’ve done a really good job
of doing that in the moment but there’s
a side of feedback that I fear has been
overlooked have you really thought about
what happens when you receive the
feedback they leave and you’re sitting
there alone with just your thoughts and
there’s there’s an experience that
happens around feedback that we don’t
talk about what are you saying to
yourself after that door closes are you
saying to yourself I’m not good enough
are you now saying to yourself I’m not
valuable that’s the part of feedback we
need to focus on because receiving
feedback is all about what they say to
you but processing feedback is about
what you say to yourself we cannot
simply focus on the act of receiving
feedback it’s time that we talk about
processing it effectively I actually
conducted a study a survey put a survey
out
and seventy percent of the respondents
said that they they had either felt sad
or had cried as they were after they had
received feedback and I think we can all
relate to that if you think about your
life has there been a moment where you
receive something and it hurt and you
thought about it and you’ve thought
about it over and over again in the
moment you might have told them our
classic thank you for the feedback but
when that door shut you were questioning
your abilities and maybe even your
purpose a psychologist by the name of
Robert Firestone calls it the inner
voice the inner voice the thoughts that
we say to ourselves it is pretty tough
on us sometimes we’ve heard the adage
you know where our worst critic
well that inner voice can sabotage our
successes negatively impact our
relationships and prevent us from living
the life that we were destined to live
if we allow them to stay with us and I
took a moment and step back and thought
about this I said wait let me examine
feedback when I thought about the pain
that I experienced with feedback it was
only 20 percent of what they said to me
but was 80 percent of what I said to
myself so it made me really think about
feedback in a completely different way
our thoughts and only our thoughts have
the ability to tear away at our
self-esteem our self-worth and our
self-confidence so it’s important that
we examine them because the average
human being has about 60 to 70 thousand
thoughts per day and if we don’t think
about them and be intentional about how
we’re processing them it can be
dictating how we show up and manifest in
the world so that’s when I realized
there are actually two ways to process
feedback one that’s healthy and one
that’s not I call them the sponge
mentality and the strainer mentality the
sponge mentality occurs when you have an
unhealthy relationship with feedback
when presented with feedback we tend to
come out like it’s an emergency
soak it all in and hold on to it we try
to absorb it all with the hopes of
acting on it and erasing any mess that
ever existed now I know firsthand what
it’s like to have a sponge mentality my
interactions with my dad were the first
experiences where I got to learn how I
responded to feedback there was one time
my father said chanita I expected more
from you and I know it probably wasn’t
his intention but for me I internalized
it as I’m never good enough now I carry
that thought with me for quite some time
I carried it with me through grammar
school college the workplace now as a
mother of three I wasn’t good enough
that’s a really tough thought to hold on
to four years would you agree but we all
have that if you were to think about
your life and if I were to actually open
your mental closet oh yeah I’m sure I
find a whole lot of thoughts that you’ve
been holding on to for a long time some
of us may have been holding on to some
thoughts for five days ago maybe
something happened to you five days ago
and you’re still thinking about it some
of us it happened five months ago and
we’re still thinking about it and for
some of us maybe even five 10 15 years
ago and when you think about that and
you hold on to those things it has the
potential to derail you to hold you back
from walking in your purpose and leaving
of living a full life because it’s so
heavy on your mind so as a sponge you
can only hold on to so much if you think
about it until you become oversaturated
have you ever felt oversaturated before
where you just had so much feedback you
felt really really heavy and at that
point you become ineffective and as a
result if you think about a sponge over
time they begin to erode so I knew that
being a sponge was not the way to go so
thank goodness there’s an alternative
I’ve been thinking about the strainer
after 30
years of being a sponge personally I
knew I needed a healthier way to process
feedback so I had to adopt what I called
the strainer mentality which is a more
intentional approach to feedback this
quote really sums up the essence of the
strainer mentality it says mistakes
should be examined learn from and
discarded not dwelled upon and stored so
how have we been getting this wrong this
whole time we’ve been holding on to them
forcing ourselves to remember the
mistakes we’ve made ah we should be
learning from them examining them and
discarding them now this is not about
rejecting feedback that you don’t like
chanita said we could use the strainer
so I’m gonna go ahead and reject that
but no it’s about an intentional
approach and being really thoughtful in
examining a strainer everything can go
in but everything doesn’t get to stay so
one day I found my I found myself in a
moment where I was really overwhelmed I
have felt this this heaviness to the
point where have your eyes ever started
to well up where you feel like what is
going on well when I thought about it it
was because I had so many feedback
sources
I had my wonderful husband my beautiful
three children my team members my peers
my teachers my family my friends even
strangers on the road you guys all
probably got feedback this morning
there’s feedback everywhere and there
was a point where I found myself holding
on to so much that’s when I realized it
is time to strain this thing it is time
to make space in my life for even the
good feedback if I’m so full with all of
the things I’ve done wrong how do I
actually continue to manifest the great
things that are working so well so I had
to let go of the stories I created
surrounding people’s motive when they
gave me feedback because we do that
their motive I focused on I stopped
focusing on their delivery style oh they
could have said it a little nicer than
that I had to stop focusing on their
tone why did they say it like that they
could have said it with smile
I had to stop focusing on the timing
like okay they said this later or could
they have said this after the TEDx was
over I had to stop fixating and I had to
also give myself permission to hear the
feedback but not always agree with the
feedback once I did those things it
became so much easier to evaluate learn
from it and let it go it was almost like
that song let it go let it go not a
great singer singing it doesn’t help you
let it go you’re saying but I I was at
that place where my body was like let’s
do this so feedback is valuable and it
is important to our growth but we cannot
grow from it if we have a sponge
mentality we have to do more than simply
soak it all in and smile and stay calm
we actually have to be more intentional
with what we allow feedback to do in our
lives the strainer mentality helps you
focus on the feedback and it allows you
to let go and letting go is a skill that
I think we all need we have to teach our
kids how to do this on the playground
with their chip with their peers we have
to teach our employees and our staff
members to do it at work we have to
teach our family members how to strain
it and let it go – at home but more
importantly we have to teach ourselves
our lives and maybe even our faces
depend on it thank you [Applause]
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