as an 18 year old first-year University
student I soon encountered something in
the big city that this small town farm
boy had never seen before I was getting
on a bus in the rough part of town and
some people were huddled in a corner
doing something like this
now it wasn’t winter they weren’t cold
so I asked someone what’s going on there
and the response that came was well
they’re sniffing now the proper term for
what was happening is solvent abuse but
no one on the street calls it solvent
abuse no other crew that we had
encountered were well known in the area
as the sniffers sniffing involves taking
some glue or some paint thinner maybe
some gasoline and putting it on a rag
and just breathing deeply now I remember
that my initial reaction to this was
something akin to shock why why would
you do that doesn’t it mess you up
physically doesn’t it kill brain cells
what’s going on here why would you do
that to yourself over the next 20 years
working in education and Community
Development a good portion of my life
became about trying to find an answer to
that question why would you sniff glue
think the answer has something to do
with something I would call symptoms of
hopelessness symptoms of hopelessness
and much of my own learning came about
because of a peculiar friendship that
formed with a guy that I will call my
now as I said I was a university student
in the Faculty of Education and members
of my friend group were unsure about how
to respond to people approaching us on
the street and asking for money we
didn’t know what the right answer was in
that situation to this day I’m not sure
that there is one but we knew what the
wrong answer was to get fearful and
withdraw and ignore the situation and
the people in it so we agreed that when
someone approached us asking for money
we wouldn’t give money but we would
offer to take them for a burger
now the shocking thing to me initially
was just how many people weren’t
interested in that burger I thought
everyone would want to have a burger
with me but interestingly enough the
people who tended to say yes to our
burger offer were those ones known as
the sniffers and that led to some
interesting social pairings it’s not
every day that a farm boy from the
sticks ends up across the table from
someone who’s homeless and addicted to
sniffing glue but that’s what happened
now I definitely undertook this as a
sort of a project I was going to help
maybe I was going to fix I’m sure some
today would have accused me of having
had a white Savior complex and they
might not have been that far off I don’t
think I did very much saving though now
20 years later Mike and I are still
friends and I doubt he would say I fixed
him very much but the honest truth is
that my friendship with Mike completely
changed me it’s not an exaggeration to
say that he altered the trajectory of my
own life learning is basically about
getting closer understanding something
better
by seeing it from new angles and seeing
how the pieces fit together that’s kind
of what happened with with Mike and I we
spent a lot of time together which I
think allowed us to see each other more
clearly
Mike tended to speak really honestly and
so I did the same I heard all about his
life and soon it wasn’t hard to see that
for Mike sniffing was a symptom of
hopelessness now a symptom of a cold is
a cough or watery eyes an outward
indicator that something much deeper is
going on for Mike sniffing was a symptom
of something much deeper basically a
life that was characterized by a whole
bunch of things going wrong you might
call it a a stack of failures
the most obvious were his own personal
failures sometimes Mike would make dumb
choices that would lead to bad
consequences sadly though when people
are distant from the situation that can
tend to be all they see personal
responsibility you failed because you
screwed up no that was undeniably partly
true as it is for all of us it just
wasn’t the whole story in fact sometimes
I think we focus on someone’s personal
failures when we are distant because the
other failures in the stack might be
something that we share some
responsibility in or at least that call
us to action so it can be easier to pile
it back on the person we are condemning
your life is a mess and it’s your fault
but in truth personal failure was only
part of the problem the first log in the
stack
that Mike was carrying around on his
shoulders the next one you might have
called something like family failures
because Mike didn’t grow up in a home
where he had parents who were telling
them he was awesome and trying to help
him be awesome
in fact his mom kind of communicated
that he was garbage because that’s what
she had been told about herself it’s a
big lie it’s maybe the biggest lie but
she had come to believe it when you hear
the big lie enough times that can happen
you see Mike didn’t grow up in a
residential school but his mom had taken
from her folks and sent to a place where
for the next 12 years a central message
was you and your people are bad what you
are about is dark and demonic you need
to not be what you are you need to be
like us you need to be what we are
she essentially heard the big lie again
and again for 12 years during the most
impressionable time of her life so when
they sent her home at age 18 was she
ready to take on the world make the most
of her potential no you can’t do that
when you think that you are garbage so
you can see how Mike’s family failures
were rooted in societal failures and
historical failures things that happened
before Mike was even born ensured that
he would not have the same chances that
I had so what happens when you’re
carrying around a stack of failures
personal failures family failures
societal failures historical failures
well they start to weigh you down and
they start to cross
you the worst thing that can happen is
that you stop hoping maybe even planning
for the future self-help experts say
live for the moment be in the now but
when you’re now is constantly a
miserable one something like sniffing
can start to make more sense I asked
Mike
what does sniffing feel like does it
feel good he said no it just feels like
nothing feels like being in a cloud like
fuzziness like a big zero but when much
of your life has lived feeling like
you’re at minus ten zero can look pretty
good he would hold up the rag and he’d
say this is my holiday I can’t go to
Mexico where the mountains are camping
at the lake when I want to get away from
it all this is how I do it I think it
was important for me to understand this
problem through a friendship like the
one I had with Mike but I know that this
story has repeated itself thousands of
times throughout our country and that
can feel overwhelming and that feeling
is compounded when you know that’s
throwing money at the problem is no
silver bullet money can help money is a
starting place but the only way the only
real answer to fixing problems like
these are hard hours do you know what I
mean by heart hours heart hours are real
relationships real human hearts
connecting with real human hearts making
friendships where the effect flows both
ways sometimes we say you change them
they change you and that changes
everything that’s a real relationship
where you have something to give but you
also have something to get
Hart hours are expensive though that’s
what makes this such a big ask because
there are lots of people with millions
of dollars but there is no one with
millions of heart hours everyone gets
the exact same number 24 in a day and
money you can give from a distance not
so with hard hours that kind of giving
requires that you close the gap and that
can feel risky because it’s your own
heart that you’re offering but I can’t
see any other way of healing the pain
that lies at the root of those symptoms
of hopelessness the only way to do that
is to counter stacks of failure with
Nets of success so I speak in schools
for a nonprofit called silo mission that
deals with homelessness and poverty and
one time I was speaking to a group of
students and a little guy in the front
row was giving me a suspicious look that
continued on as I gave my talk
finally it bugged me enough that I
stopped and I said what what’s that
what’s that look on your face all about
and he said to me you’re from Siloam
mission right I said yeah I’m from
Siloam mission
he said what’s the mission he’d been
watching too many Tom Cruise movies so I
played along nice okay uh-huh the
mission at Siloam mission is making Nets
he said what Nets hockey Nets basketball
nets no no no nets of success and then
we talked about how each of us has a net
these are the people who are connected
to us and connected to each other who
are strong for us when we are weak
because everybody’s weak sometimes
and so often homelessness and poverty
are heavily linked to not having that
net of relationships to fall into or
having one that’s just been left in
strands and then it gets a lot harder to
deal with your your weaknesses or even
to hide them when you have money and
resources so often your life can be just
as messy but we sure get a lot better at
hiding the mass so building up these
Nets of relationally connected people
becomes the path to a solution that’s
long term and effective because it’s not
simply about fixing the person who
appears to be in the greatest need it’s
about fixing us to strong communities
only really happen when we all have the
Grace and the humility to admit that
every person is some mixture of strong
parts and weak parts in fact the worst
way to help someone is when you
completely ignore this point it’s when
you show up and you say I’m here and I’m
pretty close to perfect you are a mess
but the lie that’s hiding in there is
that no one is pretty close to perfect
every person every family every
community every culture is some mixture
of strong parts and weak parts and the
best thing the beautiful thing about
connecting with someone who’s different
than you is that you get strong parts
that you didn’t already have because no
one has all the strong parts just on
their own even Mike now lots of people
would look at Mike’s life situation and
say yeah but come on this guy is all
weaknesses but that’s precisely where I
got so lucky because Mike had strengths
that you couldn’t have seen without
getting up close and personal to this
day when I seek him out it’s not because
he needs me it’s because I need him nets
of success a meal a job a home but
mostly friends because the biggest
success is when you know that you’re
loved and you know that you’re valuable
to somebody everybody needs that whether
they sniff or don’t to be known and to
be loved
that’s success [Applause]
student I soon encountered something in
the big city that this small town farm
boy had never seen before I was getting
on a bus in the rough part of town and
some people were huddled in a corner
doing something like this
now it wasn’t winter they weren’t cold
so I asked someone what’s going on there
and the response that came was well
they’re sniffing now the proper term for
what was happening is solvent abuse but
no one on the street calls it solvent
abuse no other crew that we had
encountered were well known in the area
as the sniffers sniffing involves taking
some glue or some paint thinner maybe
some gasoline and putting it on a rag
and just breathing deeply now I remember
that my initial reaction to this was
something akin to shock why why would
you do that doesn’t it mess you up
physically doesn’t it kill brain cells
what’s going on here why would you do
that to yourself over the next 20 years
working in education and Community
Development a good portion of my life
became about trying to find an answer to
that question why would you sniff glue
think the answer has something to do
with something I would call symptoms of
hopelessness symptoms of hopelessness
and much of my own learning came about
because of a peculiar friendship that
formed with a guy that I will call my
now as I said I was a university student
in the Faculty of Education and members
of my friend group were unsure about how
to respond to people approaching us on
the street and asking for money we
didn’t know what the right answer was in
that situation to this day I’m not sure
that there is one but we knew what the
wrong answer was to get fearful and
withdraw and ignore the situation and
the people in it so we agreed that when
someone approached us asking for money
we wouldn’t give money but we would
offer to take them for a burger
now the shocking thing to me initially
was just how many people weren’t
interested in that burger I thought
everyone would want to have a burger
with me but interestingly enough the
people who tended to say yes to our
burger offer were those ones known as
the sniffers and that led to some
interesting social pairings it’s not
every day that a farm boy from the
sticks ends up across the table from
someone who’s homeless and addicted to
sniffing glue but that’s what happened
now I definitely undertook this as a
sort of a project I was going to help
maybe I was going to fix I’m sure some
today would have accused me of having
had a white Savior complex and they
might not have been that far off I don’t
think I did very much saving though now
20 years later Mike and I are still
friends and I doubt he would say I fixed
him very much but the honest truth is
that my friendship with Mike completely
changed me it’s not an exaggeration to
say that he altered the trajectory of my
own life learning is basically about
getting closer understanding something
better
by seeing it from new angles and seeing
how the pieces fit together that’s kind
of what happened with with Mike and I we
spent a lot of time together which I
think allowed us to see each other more
clearly
Mike tended to speak really honestly and
so I did the same I heard all about his
life and soon it wasn’t hard to see that
for Mike sniffing was a symptom of
hopelessness now a symptom of a cold is
a cough or watery eyes an outward
indicator that something much deeper is
going on for Mike sniffing was a symptom
of something much deeper basically a
life that was characterized by a whole
bunch of things going wrong you might
call it a a stack of failures
the most obvious were his own personal
failures sometimes Mike would make dumb
choices that would lead to bad
consequences sadly though when people
are distant from the situation that can
tend to be all they see personal
responsibility you failed because you
screwed up no that was undeniably partly
true as it is for all of us it just
wasn’t the whole story in fact sometimes
I think we focus on someone’s personal
failures when we are distant because the
other failures in the stack might be
something that we share some
responsibility in or at least that call
us to action so it can be easier to pile
it back on the person we are condemning
your life is a mess and it’s your fault
but in truth personal failure was only
part of the problem the first log in the
stack
that Mike was carrying around on his
shoulders the next one you might have
called something like family failures
because Mike didn’t grow up in a home
where he had parents who were telling
them he was awesome and trying to help
him be awesome
in fact his mom kind of communicated
that he was garbage because that’s what
she had been told about herself it’s a
big lie it’s maybe the biggest lie but
she had come to believe it when you hear
the big lie enough times that can happen
you see Mike didn’t grow up in a
residential school but his mom had taken
from her folks and sent to a place where
for the next 12 years a central message
was you and your people are bad what you
are about is dark and demonic you need
to not be what you are you need to be
like us you need to be what we are
she essentially heard the big lie again
and again for 12 years during the most
impressionable time of her life so when
they sent her home at age 18 was she
ready to take on the world make the most
of her potential no you can’t do that
when you think that you are garbage so
you can see how Mike’s family failures
were rooted in societal failures and
historical failures things that happened
before Mike was even born ensured that
he would not have the same chances that
I had so what happens when you’re
carrying around a stack of failures
personal failures family failures
societal failures historical failures
well they start to weigh you down and
they start to cross
you the worst thing that can happen is
that you stop hoping maybe even planning
for the future self-help experts say
live for the moment be in the now but
when you’re now is constantly a
miserable one something like sniffing
can start to make more sense I asked
Mike
what does sniffing feel like does it
feel good he said no it just feels like
nothing feels like being in a cloud like
fuzziness like a big zero but when much
of your life has lived feeling like
you’re at minus ten zero can look pretty
good he would hold up the rag and he’d
say this is my holiday I can’t go to
Mexico where the mountains are camping
at the lake when I want to get away from
it all this is how I do it I think it
was important for me to understand this
problem through a friendship like the
one I had with Mike but I know that this
story has repeated itself thousands of
times throughout our country and that
can feel overwhelming and that feeling
is compounded when you know that’s
throwing money at the problem is no
silver bullet money can help money is a
starting place but the only way the only
real answer to fixing problems like
these are hard hours do you know what I
mean by heart hours heart hours are real
relationships real human hearts
connecting with real human hearts making
friendships where the effect flows both
ways sometimes we say you change them
they change you and that changes
everything that’s a real relationship
where you have something to give but you
also have something to get
Hart hours are expensive though that’s
what makes this such a big ask because
there are lots of people with millions
of dollars but there is no one with
millions of heart hours everyone gets
the exact same number 24 in a day and
money you can give from a distance not
so with hard hours that kind of giving
requires that you close the gap and that
can feel risky because it’s your own
heart that you’re offering but I can’t
see any other way of healing the pain
that lies at the root of those symptoms
of hopelessness the only way to do that
is to counter stacks of failure with
Nets of success so I speak in schools
for a nonprofit called silo mission that
deals with homelessness and poverty and
one time I was speaking to a group of
students and a little guy in the front
row was giving me a suspicious look that
continued on as I gave my talk
finally it bugged me enough that I
stopped and I said what what’s that
what’s that look on your face all about
and he said to me you’re from Siloam
mission right I said yeah I’m from
Siloam mission
he said what’s the mission he’d been
watching too many Tom Cruise movies so I
played along nice okay uh-huh the
mission at Siloam mission is making Nets
he said what Nets hockey Nets basketball
nets no no no nets of success and then
we talked about how each of us has a net
these are the people who are connected
to us and connected to each other who
are strong for us when we are weak
because everybody’s weak sometimes
and so often homelessness and poverty
are heavily linked to not having that
net of relationships to fall into or
having one that’s just been left in
strands and then it gets a lot harder to
deal with your your weaknesses or even
to hide them when you have money and
resources so often your life can be just
as messy but we sure get a lot better at
hiding the mass so building up these
Nets of relationally connected people
becomes the path to a solution that’s
long term and effective because it’s not
simply about fixing the person who
appears to be in the greatest need it’s
about fixing us to strong communities
only really happen when we all have the
Grace and the humility to admit that
every person is some mixture of strong
parts and weak parts in fact the worst
way to help someone is when you
completely ignore this point it’s when
you show up and you say I’m here and I’m
pretty close to perfect you are a mess
but the lie that’s hiding in there is
that no one is pretty close to perfect
every person every family every
community every culture is some mixture
of strong parts and weak parts and the
best thing the beautiful thing about
connecting with someone who’s different
than you is that you get strong parts
that you didn’t already have because no
one has all the strong parts just on
their own even Mike now lots of people
would look at Mike’s life situation and
say yeah but come on this guy is all
weaknesses but that’s precisely where I
got so lucky because Mike had strengths
that you couldn’t have seen without
getting up close and personal to this
day when I seek him out it’s not because
he needs me it’s because I need him nets
of success a meal a job a home but
mostly friends because the biggest
success is when you know that you’re
loved and you know that you’re valuable
to somebody everybody needs that whether
they sniff or don’t to be known and to
be loved
that’s success [Applause]
Please follow and like us: