thank you thank you yeah true story he
was thinking of a 7 hearts for some
reason hi everyone today I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be talking to you about
something that’s very near and dear to
my heart
social interaction I’m not gonna be
reading anyone’s mind here right now
that already happened earlier today
hopefully you didn’t miss it I am gonna
reveal something about all of you though
if you don’t mind I’d like a little bit
of help with this if your phone happens
to be on right now whether it’s on
vibrate the ringer is on it’s on silent
as long as your screen lights up go
ahead and hold it high in the air and go
ahead and flash that screen let’s see
how many of you there are oh wow that’s
that’s a lot of you I would estimate
that’s the vast majority of you that’s
more than more than three-quarters of
you look around
thank you you could put your phones down
for now here’s another one if at any
point earlier today you sent a text
message or you accessed social media at
any point and your phone is still on
please go ahead and raise your phone up
again let’s see it light light up again
that’s roughly the same number of people
it’s a few of you dropped off but it’s
still the vast majority of people in the
room now this is my favorite one if at
any point during one of the talks today
you sent a message or checked social
media please be honest let’s see those
phones again so look around appreciate I
like how a few of them were lingering
it’s it’s a trap that’s still about a
fifth of you maybe a quarter thank you
for your honesty by the way what I’m
trying to get at is that as humans the
way we communicate has changed
dramatically over the past decade or so
we find that it’s easier to hide behind
the security of a screen and it’s so
much easier to just send messages rather
than having a face-to-face conversation
it’s so much easier to present the best
version of yourself on social media
rather than being genuine and vulnerable
around other people I’m not saying that
we’ve lost the ability to have a
face-to-face conversation but what I am
saying is that we could all stand to
improve our social skills a little
as you’ve heard I I wasn’t really meant
to be a person with good social skills I
was very very math oriented I I was
basically groomed my entire life to be a
statistician or an actuary or a
financial analyst something in that
realm and that did end up coming true
I’m a software developer now and when I
was growing up there wasn’t so much
emphasis on the soft skills
then one day life took a different turn
for me and I ended up becoming a
Mentalist one way or another and during
that time in order to be a Mentalist you
need to study the subtleties of social
interaction and remarkably a lot of what
I learned as a Mentalist actually
applies to my day-to-day work in my very
quantitative role and fortunately it
also sort of sums up into three nice
points which all of you can take home
with you today number one be bold number
two be a good listener and number three
be passionate now those three points are
essentially your key to building up good
habits for social interaction they’re
not going to teach you how to guess
somebody’s first kiss or their pin code
or anything like that but they are going
to help you in every aspect of your life
because you interact with humans on a
regular basis you’re networking events
you’re your dating life you’re literally
any moment when there’s another human
you you can use what I’m about to talk
to you about so let’s let’s actually
dive into the details what do I mean
when I say be bold well for a lot of
people for social interaction the
hardest part is actually getting an
interaction started what if that person
doesn’t want to talk to me what if I say
something stupid what if I do something
so cringeworthy that I remember it
randomly three years in the future while
I’m taking a shower and just have
shivers go through me because of that
we’ve all been through that before it’s
happened to everyone here and for most
people this is an insurmountable wall of
anxiety so how do we actually move past
this well when I was suffering with this
wall of anxiety I I discovered close-up
magic I would walk up to people and I
would try showing them
tricks things that I knew would amaze
them but there’s nothing quite like the
heart sinking feeling of mustering up
the courage to approach a stranger a
deck of cards and your hands approaching
them doing a flourish with your cards
and then saying hey you want to see
something cool and then they just look
at you deadpan just up and down no no
your heart sinks when you go through
that and everyone here has been through
a form of rejection like that and for
most of us is so jarring that we would
never want to experience it again but
here’s how you can move past it
you need to unlearn your social fear and
the way that you can go about doing that
is a simple exercise they teach
magicians and mentalists if they want to
approach people more confidently the
next time you’re in a public space look
around notice somebody who’s near you
notice something that you like about
them maybe they’re wearing a nice shirt
for instance make a nice neutral
compliment to this person the gender
doesn’t matter the age doesn’t matter
the demographic doesn’t matter just pick
someone and just say hey that’s a nice
shirt I really like that shirt or those
are some nice shoes or something like
that that just takes a few seconds of
effort from you but for that person
you’ll have made their day they’ll be
smiling for minutes after you do that
and I want you to really let that sink
in you all have the superpower to make
anybody’s day whenever you want just for
the briefest of moments if you keep on
doing that time after time after time
you’ll quickly realize that talking to
strangers isn’t scary just remember
there that you have the superpower to
make people smile so suppose you’ve
actually gotten past this wall of social
anxiety you can approach people now how
do you get the most out of your
interaction with them this is where
being a good listener comes into play
there are essentially three kinds of
listeners in any sort of conversation
you have your active listener who pays
attention to every word you say they’re
engrossed in everything you say they pay
attention they make you feel validated
these are the people you love to talk to
then there are the people who are kind
of distracted you know maybe they’re
maybe they’re checking their phone maybe
they’re waiting for a text from somebody
and then there’s the third kind of
person who gets really really excited
when they hear something and then they
hijack the conversation now if we’re all
being honest with ourselves we’ve taken
turns being all three of these people
it’s essential if you want to optimize
your social interactions to kill those
habits of being distracted of hijacking
conversations because it really throws
off the person who you’re talking to if
you want to be an active listener
there’s a very simple tip that I would
give everyone here it’s a it’s a body
language trick a life hack so to speak
whenever you hear someone say something
and you want to really digest that
information
just nod three times three is the magic
number here if you just nod once over
and over again as you’re listening to
them it kind of looks like you’re gonna
get hypnotized you know so obviously you
don’t want someone to go to sleep while
you’re talking to them three is the
magic number
it requires deliberate effort so if
you’re in that state of mind where
you’re tired you’re distracted by
nodding three times you snap yourself
back into the conversation you focus
more and you also come across as a very
enthusiastic because if someone says you
know hey I’m really passionate about
horses and you and you digest that you
look excited as you as you’re hearing
that and that makes them feel validated
and people who feel validated when
they’re talking to you they feel like
they’re being listened to when they’re
talking to you they’re gonna want to
keep on talking to you it’s a good way
to make people want to connect with you
over and over and over again so try the
three knots
try to actually be an active listener
and as far as what you should listen to
I would suggest trying to be observant
about the person that you’re trying to
start this interaction with everyone has
something interesting about them maybe
there’s a piece of jewelry for instance
that they’re wearing or they say an
interesting fact about something
whatever you can pick up on and everyone
here is capable of doing this just be
observant of what they’re drawn towards
what makes them unique ask questions
about it try to learn about it I
guarantee you people will be a lot
happier to talk to you if they feel like
they’re being listened and they are made
to feel important so that’s my advice
for being a good listener but then what
about when you’re done listening what
about when they’ve spoken so much about
themselves they’re all happy they’re
they’re absolutely elated to be talking
to you then what happens well usually
there’s this form of social reciprocity
enough about me how about you
so you actually need to talk about
something as well it’s important to be
willing to be vulnerable be passionate
about whatever you’re talking about
anything that’s peripherally related to
whatever the other person was just
talking about maybe maybe it’s a
particular hobby of yours maybe you have
a story that you want to tell but if you
want to express your passion the best
way to go about it is try to communicate
what it is that excites you about this
particular thing maybe avoid unnecessary
technical jargon if you can avoid it I
had a friend who was very into bridge
and he would talk about all sorts of
Trump systems and whatnot and he would
always be excited about that and no one
would ever listen because no one
understands what he’s saying but if you
can break it down into simple terms
about why you’re passionate about
something then then you can actually
communicate your passion and you can
communicate a sense of vulnerability to
the other person and when you do this
the other person will sense that
vulnerability they won’t be like oh he’s
being very vulnerable around me that’s
not gonna happen
but they’ll sense a genuineness from you
intuitively and what’s going to happen
then is there’s going to be this whole
flow of positive emotions between you
and the person you’re interacting with
you will have established a rapport you
will be connecting with them they will
be connecting with you and all these
positive emotions will be flowing around
between you and getting amplified this
is what many psychologists would refer
to as emotional contagion for those of
us who like to make flashcards on this
sort of stuff now that’s basically what
it boils down to be bold be a good
listener and be passionate you don’t
have to be a Mentalist to apply these
things to your life as a software
developer I use those skills every
single day to ensure client satisfaction
I use those skills every single day to
maintain contact with my friends were in
different parts of the states and in
different parts of the world you can use
these skills every single day and I know
you’ve heard all of this before you’ve
just never tried packaging it in this
way so I hope my advice was useful to
you I hope you take the life hacks in
the body language tricks to heart
and I hope that all of you have learned
the importance of being bold being a
good listener being passionate and I
hope that you all will get to level up
your social skills I’m Tom indigo thank
you for your time
[Applause] [Music]
was thinking of a 7 hearts for some
reason hi everyone today I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be talking to you about
something that’s very near and dear to
my heart
social interaction I’m not gonna be
reading anyone’s mind here right now
that already happened earlier today
hopefully you didn’t miss it I am gonna
reveal something about all of you though
if you don’t mind I’d like a little bit
of help with this if your phone happens
to be on right now whether it’s on
vibrate the ringer is on it’s on silent
as long as your screen lights up go
ahead and hold it high in the air and go
ahead and flash that screen let’s see
how many of you there are oh wow that’s
that’s a lot of you I would estimate
that’s the vast majority of you that’s
more than more than three-quarters of
you look around
thank you you could put your phones down
for now here’s another one if at any
point earlier today you sent a text
message or you accessed social media at
any point and your phone is still on
please go ahead and raise your phone up
again let’s see it light light up again
that’s roughly the same number of people
it’s a few of you dropped off but it’s
still the vast majority of people in the
room now this is my favorite one if at
any point during one of the talks today
you sent a message or checked social
media please be honest let’s see those
phones again so look around appreciate I
like how a few of them were lingering
it’s it’s a trap that’s still about a
fifth of you maybe a quarter thank you
for your honesty by the way what I’m
trying to get at is that as humans the
way we communicate has changed
dramatically over the past decade or so
we find that it’s easier to hide behind
the security of a screen and it’s so
much easier to just send messages rather
than having a face-to-face conversation
it’s so much easier to present the best
version of yourself on social media
rather than being genuine and vulnerable
around other people I’m not saying that
we’ve lost the ability to have a
face-to-face conversation but what I am
saying is that we could all stand to
improve our social skills a little
as you’ve heard I I wasn’t really meant
to be a person with good social skills I
was very very math oriented I I was
basically groomed my entire life to be a
statistician or an actuary or a
financial analyst something in that
realm and that did end up coming true
I’m a software developer now and when I
was growing up there wasn’t so much
emphasis on the soft skills
then one day life took a different turn
for me and I ended up becoming a
Mentalist one way or another and during
that time in order to be a Mentalist you
need to study the subtleties of social
interaction and remarkably a lot of what
I learned as a Mentalist actually
applies to my day-to-day work in my very
quantitative role and fortunately it
also sort of sums up into three nice
points which all of you can take home
with you today number one be bold number
two be a good listener and number three
be passionate now those three points are
essentially your key to building up good
habits for social interaction they’re
not going to teach you how to guess
somebody’s first kiss or their pin code
or anything like that but they are going
to help you in every aspect of your life
because you interact with humans on a
regular basis you’re networking events
you’re your dating life you’re literally
any moment when there’s another human
you you can use what I’m about to talk
to you about so let’s let’s actually
dive into the details what do I mean
when I say be bold well for a lot of
people for social interaction the
hardest part is actually getting an
interaction started what if that person
doesn’t want to talk to me what if I say
something stupid what if I do something
so cringeworthy that I remember it
randomly three years in the future while
I’m taking a shower and just have
shivers go through me because of that
we’ve all been through that before it’s
happened to everyone here and for most
people this is an insurmountable wall of
anxiety so how do we actually move past
this well when I was suffering with this
wall of anxiety I I discovered close-up
magic I would walk up to people and I
would try showing them
tricks things that I knew would amaze
them but there’s nothing quite like the
heart sinking feeling of mustering up
the courage to approach a stranger a
deck of cards and your hands approaching
them doing a flourish with your cards
and then saying hey you want to see
something cool and then they just look
at you deadpan just up and down no no
your heart sinks when you go through
that and everyone here has been through
a form of rejection like that and for
most of us is so jarring that we would
never want to experience it again but
here’s how you can move past it
you need to unlearn your social fear and
the way that you can go about doing that
is a simple exercise they teach
magicians and mentalists if they want to
approach people more confidently the
next time you’re in a public space look
around notice somebody who’s near you
notice something that you like about
them maybe they’re wearing a nice shirt
for instance make a nice neutral
compliment to this person the gender
doesn’t matter the age doesn’t matter
the demographic doesn’t matter just pick
someone and just say hey that’s a nice
shirt I really like that shirt or those
are some nice shoes or something like
that that just takes a few seconds of
effort from you but for that person
you’ll have made their day they’ll be
smiling for minutes after you do that
and I want you to really let that sink
in you all have the superpower to make
anybody’s day whenever you want just for
the briefest of moments if you keep on
doing that time after time after time
you’ll quickly realize that talking to
strangers isn’t scary just remember
there that you have the superpower to
make people smile so suppose you’ve
actually gotten past this wall of social
anxiety you can approach people now how
do you get the most out of your
interaction with them this is where
being a good listener comes into play
there are essentially three kinds of
listeners in any sort of conversation
you have your active listener who pays
attention to every word you say they’re
engrossed in everything you say they pay
attention they make you feel validated
these are the people you love to talk to
then there are the people who are kind
of distracted you know maybe they’re
maybe they’re checking their phone maybe
they’re waiting for a text from somebody
and then there’s the third kind of
person who gets really really excited
when they hear something and then they
hijack the conversation now if we’re all
being honest with ourselves we’ve taken
turns being all three of these people
it’s essential if you want to optimize
your social interactions to kill those
habits of being distracted of hijacking
conversations because it really throws
off the person who you’re talking to if
you want to be an active listener
there’s a very simple tip that I would
give everyone here it’s a it’s a body
language trick a life hack so to speak
whenever you hear someone say something
and you want to really digest that
information
just nod three times three is the magic
number here if you just nod once over
and over again as you’re listening to
them it kind of looks like you’re gonna
get hypnotized you know so obviously you
don’t want someone to go to sleep while
you’re talking to them three is the
magic number
it requires deliberate effort so if
you’re in that state of mind where
you’re tired you’re distracted by
nodding three times you snap yourself
back into the conversation you focus
more and you also come across as a very
enthusiastic because if someone says you
know hey I’m really passionate about
horses and you and you digest that you
look excited as you as you’re hearing
that and that makes them feel validated
and people who feel validated when
they’re talking to you they feel like
they’re being listened to when they’re
talking to you they’re gonna want to
keep on talking to you it’s a good way
to make people want to connect with you
over and over and over again so try the
three knots
try to actually be an active listener
and as far as what you should listen to
I would suggest trying to be observant
about the person that you’re trying to
start this interaction with everyone has
something interesting about them maybe
there’s a piece of jewelry for instance
that they’re wearing or they say an
interesting fact about something
whatever you can pick up on and everyone
here is capable of doing this just be
observant of what they’re drawn towards
what makes them unique ask questions
about it try to learn about it I
guarantee you people will be a lot
happier to talk to you if they feel like
they’re being listened and they are made
to feel important so that’s my advice
for being a good listener but then what
about when you’re done listening what
about when they’ve spoken so much about
themselves they’re all happy they’re
they’re absolutely elated to be talking
to you then what happens well usually
there’s this form of social reciprocity
enough about me how about you
so you actually need to talk about
something as well it’s important to be
willing to be vulnerable be passionate
about whatever you’re talking about
anything that’s peripherally related to
whatever the other person was just
talking about maybe maybe it’s a
particular hobby of yours maybe you have
a story that you want to tell but if you
want to express your passion the best
way to go about it is try to communicate
what it is that excites you about this
particular thing maybe avoid unnecessary
technical jargon if you can avoid it I
had a friend who was very into bridge
and he would talk about all sorts of
Trump systems and whatnot and he would
always be excited about that and no one
would ever listen because no one
understands what he’s saying but if you
can break it down into simple terms
about why you’re passionate about
something then then you can actually
communicate your passion and you can
communicate a sense of vulnerability to
the other person and when you do this
the other person will sense that
vulnerability they won’t be like oh he’s
being very vulnerable around me that’s
not gonna happen
but they’ll sense a genuineness from you
intuitively and what’s going to happen
then is there’s going to be this whole
flow of positive emotions between you
and the person you’re interacting with
you will have established a rapport you
will be connecting with them they will
be connecting with you and all these
positive emotions will be flowing around
between you and getting amplified this
is what many psychologists would refer
to as emotional contagion for those of
us who like to make flashcards on this
sort of stuff now that’s basically what
it boils down to be bold be a good
listener and be passionate you don’t
have to be a Mentalist to apply these
things to your life as a software
developer I use those skills every
single day to ensure client satisfaction
I use those skills every single day to
maintain contact with my friends were in
different parts of the states and in
different parts of the world you can use
these skills every single day and I know
you’ve heard all of this before you’ve
just never tried packaging it in this
way so I hope my advice was useful to
you I hope you take the life hacks in
the body language tricks to heart
and I hope that all of you have learned
the importance of being bold being a
good listener being passionate and I
hope that you all will get to level up
your social skills I’m Tom indigo thank
you for your time
[Applause] [Music]
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