[Applause]
you can’t tell from looking that I’m
molding but I am you can’t tell from
looking that I’m autistic but I am you
can’t tell who’s who
by looking anymore there is no normal
there is no real world only the one we
decide and the one we creates you know
what you never hear conversations that
go how’s your kid doing at school oh
she’s ordinary just so proud I have a
great day at school son be normal
no one is excited about normal and yet
we’re still so scared of different for
every nine boys diagnosed with
high-functioning autism there is one
girl but we’re not rare
we’re hidden our ability to camouflage
our symptoms and mimic normal makes us a
challenge to identify and diagnose like
me many autistics are only diagnosed as
adults either due to their own child’s
diagnosis or a crisis too big to
camouflage when I was diagnosed as an
adult I suddenly saw my whole life
through a different filter I was okay
some of my weaknesses were strengths
some of my strengths were superpowers
suddenly I was not weird I was not alone
and they I know it’s just me I’ve always
been different as a baby I cried at sad
TV commercials as a child I wrote horror
scripts but passed out at school when I
heard the crucifixion story I was super
clever but yet oversensitive too
sensitive on the outside I did well at
school I had the required number of
friends I blended but on the inside I
know I was different alien I wasn’t real
I wasn’t like the others I wasn’t like
anyone as humans we look for sameness
biologically it’s how we’re designed
it’s survival because the opposite of
normal is different
and different is death you know how you
can tell when someone’s different a
little bit off well we can tell that you
can tell you give it away with changes
in your body language your micro
expressions the words that you use all
the little signs of rejection that I’ve
been reading and adapting to since I was
a child so you don’t know how weird I am
so you think I’m normal and it’s
exhausting I asked my schoolwork
I aced my driver’s license the theory
and I failed the practical as it exam
over and over and over if I had known
that autistics either don’t drive
restrict their driving or get their
license later in life would I have gone
for my license what I’ve kept going
until I got us the job where I got fired
for pacing the job where I cried under
my desk the job where I was defiant with
authority the job where I had a physical
reaction to the lying if I had known
these were common signs of autism if I
had no and more than 80% of us don’t
work would I have been kinder to myself
while I figured out where I felt so now
I’m crying in the phone box as a
teenager and I had just bowled into a
Toastmasters meeting for the first time
did not go well I was waiting for mom to
come and pick me up and at that meeting
people I had never met patted me on the
back and said they’re here I had spoken
so quickly so erratically and so
self-consciously they thought I was
never coming back they were so right
how did another thing feel so wrong to
me a good cry and then it hit me I don’t
want you to be any more things that
feels so wrong to me I know that if I
wanted to be something amazing if I
wanted to do anything amazing in this
world I would at least need to be able
to speak 60 seconds of normal shouldn’t
be too much to ask I would go back to
Toastmasters I would keep going back as
long as it took no matter what it took
and make it work
I was underaged when I joined
Toastmasters ar-18 who know
no one expected the kid to want to join
no one asked so every week I went along
to the meetings every week I hoped for a
car accident not a big one just enough
for a quick chicken at the hospital back
to my day public speaking free I never
got the correct answer but I did get
better
I still feel completely sick before I
speak but the texture of the feeling is
more like excitement than dread now
Toastmasters was my University it was
also a huge equalizer because as
Seinfeld says no matter who you are or
what you do
nearly everyone would rather be in the
neurodiversity
is the understanding that humans are
diverse in their brain function this
includes attention deficit hyperactivity
Tourette’s autism giftedness among
others neurodiversity is running on
Windows when everyone else is on Mac
it’s not bad it’s just different but the
thing with feeling different and not
having a reason not having a diagnosis
is you blame yourself clearly everyone
else is coping with these perfectly
normal human things no one else wants to
puke when schedules change no one else
would rather peel off their own skin
then we’re rough touchy jeans no one
else is freaking out no one else is
flinching at eye contact although it
kind of burns like a sponge being dumped
with a bucket full of water or an
encyclopedia being flipped in the face
of a speed reader it’s a lot of
information I contact the basic building
block of human communication
clearly I was defective I was weak I was
alone and I would just have to work
harder I trained myself to override all
the stress signals so when my body said
everyone else strives I don’t want to
drive do it everyone else hangs around
with people I don’t want to do it I
trained myself to override the stress
me coming out now and saying I’m
autistic doesn’t change who I am
I was always autistic I just didn’t know
it I can mimic normal but my autism
isn’t gone it’s just no longer your
so I mimicked normal I pretend that
things don’t hurt but they don’t make my
skin crawl
lights too bright too sudden sound too
loud too much monotonous greeting
scrapey my contact feels physical
physical touch feels like an imprint and
then there’s clothing furniture texture
food as you can imagine I am super fun
to live with if I had knowing that only
9% of autistics are married but I’ve
believed a relationship was possible who
decides what feelings are normal or
appropriate
I still cry at some TV ads because to me
some are said but divorce to me is not
said grown-up people grow apart they’re
different they’re happy on their own
funerals beautiful a whole bunch of
people connected by love in one room
telling stories about how all some of
their friends are so beautiful I love it
who decides what’s appropriate what’s
not appropriate what lead to diagnosis
for me was a shutdown I was at a
shopping center when it happened
so now on top of years of working too
much pretending too much being too much
now here are the lights the sounds the
voices the smells I couldn’t breathe I
couldn’t move I couldn’t speak my bones
felt heavy I was numb I got to a seat
but I wasn’t there I was way down I
don’t remember how I got home Thank You
husband but I remember waking up a few
days later and being really scared my
body was done with being dragged around
by
brain it was over his deal shutdown is a
result of sensory overload and it can
come on all of a sudden or over a long
period of time you can either be a
shutdown as it was with me or it could
be a meltdown lots of people are
familiar with meltdowns this is a
temporary loss of control and it can be
a physical outburst crying screaming
kicking it’s not the same as a tantrum
it’s not being spoiled or naughty it’s
not a kid’s bad parents or adults lack
of self-control it is a physical
reaction it like sneezing like smiling
it is a breaking point after a buildup
if someone having a tantrum what they
want and they’ll stop but for an
autistic once you reach meltdown or
shutdown point you’re already gone for
our loved ones it’s just a matter of
writing out the storm in the best ways
they can we have a shout out to the
loved ones the sisters the siblings the
brothers the partners the children who
change their lives they honor our
sensitivities even though they don’t
feel them they cut the scratchy tags out
of clothes they limit their activities
they lower their volume you guys change
hundreds of things about your lives so
we can be in it and it’s everything the
diagnosis came in what’s a stick well
that can’t be right I know what ism I’ve
seen Rain Man I am not like that autism
is a disability it is a disorder autism
is a way of processing the world and I
am exactly like that
my diagnosis classifies me as
high-functioning that sucks as much as
saying someone as low functioning
totally dismisses these strengths saying
I’m high functioning discounts my shut
downs it ignores all the ways I’ve
rigged up my life to cope with the
stress it totally overlooks the millions
of little decisions and steps and
techniques I use to survive bypassing is
normal high functioning is there’s
natural for me as asking anyone to
rewire who they really are
for the comfort of the majority this is
easy as sending Ellen to conversion camp
or as easy as making everyone
left-handed when you break a bone nobody
sees walk it off it has they know that
in a moment you can cause physical
damage that takes weeks to undo same
with autistic shutdown
I can look normal I can use my
desensitized brains drag my body around
I can smile and nod and speak but I will
go home and sleep for two days five
after that I can push through that
should I I will be broken for longer
because everything in me fights my body
telling me to slow down the best thing
about being diagnosed late as I wasn’t
raised with a disability I didn’t have
the prejudice I didn’t ever label but
also no understanding no self-awareness
no idea of how to slow down or protect
myself and no special car park I can
keep hiding in plain sight but I don’t
want to anymore so this is that I am out
I’m still figuring it out I’m getting
used to the language for me I don’t have
autism I do not suffer from autism I’m
tongue it away tak uot aa an autistic
person it’s Who I am it’s how I’m wired
until now I haven’t told many people I
don’t want to be treated differently I
but I want the label because the label
will come with freedom to be Who I am
and to know that anything is possible
despite of is despite and because of my
wiring I’ve been pretending to be normal
for a long time and I am used to being
weird I am not used to having people
accept the weirdness I mister fighting
all my instincts to appear normal to
others obviously I’m not nailing it when
I tell people I’m autistic
I’ll is shocked and or than I would like
but what there is is relief in May I can
breathe and I want to be out not
literally I’m still gonna stay inside I
feel better but I want that freedom I
want that label I think anything is
possible and no matter which way that
you work I also want everyone to know
that just because you feel weird and
just because you feel different it might
just mean you’re in the wrong place you
may not belong in your workplace your
classroom your city your family but you
belong in this world
just because someone’s autistic it
doesn’t mean they have a special gift
they have a special gift special yes
because they’re human we all are
that’s your ticket you were born you’re
here made us you fit and you belong in
this world a walker a cane or we are all
in this together
there’s there’s so much we can do when
we funnel this energy out of pretending
to be normal and into doing what we love
and what we’re good at you can’t tell
from looking that I’m Maori that I am
you can’t tell from looking that I’m
autistic but I am you can’t tell
anything about anyone by looking anymore
there is no normal
there is no real world only the one we
decide and the one we create you may be
weird and you may be different but you
belong here
your existence our existence rewrites normal
you can’t tell from looking that I’m
molding but I am you can’t tell from
looking that I’m autistic but I am you
can’t tell who’s who
by looking anymore there is no normal
there is no real world only the one we
decide and the one we creates you know
what you never hear conversations that
go how’s your kid doing at school oh
she’s ordinary just so proud I have a
great day at school son be normal
no one is excited about normal and yet
we’re still so scared of different for
every nine boys diagnosed with
high-functioning autism there is one
girl but we’re not rare
we’re hidden our ability to camouflage
our symptoms and mimic normal makes us a
challenge to identify and diagnose like
me many autistics are only diagnosed as
adults either due to their own child’s
diagnosis or a crisis too big to
camouflage when I was diagnosed as an
adult I suddenly saw my whole life
through a different filter I was okay
some of my weaknesses were strengths
some of my strengths were superpowers
suddenly I was not weird I was not alone
and they I know it’s just me I’ve always
been different as a baby I cried at sad
TV commercials as a child I wrote horror
scripts but passed out at school when I
heard the crucifixion story I was super
clever but yet oversensitive too
sensitive on the outside I did well at
school I had the required number of
friends I blended but on the inside I
know I was different alien I wasn’t real
I wasn’t like the others I wasn’t like
anyone as humans we look for sameness
biologically it’s how we’re designed
it’s survival because the opposite of
normal is different
and different is death you know how you
can tell when someone’s different a
little bit off well we can tell that you
can tell you give it away with changes
in your body language your micro
expressions the words that you use all
the little signs of rejection that I’ve
been reading and adapting to since I was
a child so you don’t know how weird I am
so you think I’m normal and it’s
exhausting I asked my schoolwork
I aced my driver’s license the theory
and I failed the practical as it exam
over and over and over if I had known
that autistics either don’t drive
restrict their driving or get their
license later in life would I have gone
for my license what I’ve kept going
until I got us the job where I got fired
for pacing the job where I cried under
my desk the job where I was defiant with
authority the job where I had a physical
reaction to the lying if I had known
these were common signs of autism if I
had no and more than 80% of us don’t
work would I have been kinder to myself
while I figured out where I felt so now
I’m crying in the phone box as a
teenager and I had just bowled into a
Toastmasters meeting for the first time
did not go well I was waiting for mom to
come and pick me up and at that meeting
people I had never met patted me on the
back and said they’re here I had spoken
so quickly so erratically and so
self-consciously they thought I was
never coming back they were so right
how did another thing feel so wrong to
me a good cry and then it hit me I don’t
want you to be any more things that
feels so wrong to me I know that if I
wanted to be something amazing if I
wanted to do anything amazing in this
world I would at least need to be able
to speak 60 seconds of normal shouldn’t
be too much to ask I would go back to
Toastmasters I would keep going back as
long as it took no matter what it took
and make it work
I was underaged when I joined
Toastmasters ar-18 who know
no one expected the kid to want to join
no one asked so every week I went along
to the meetings every week I hoped for a
car accident not a big one just enough
for a quick chicken at the hospital back
to my day public speaking free I never
got the correct answer but I did get
better
I still feel completely sick before I
speak but the texture of the feeling is
more like excitement than dread now
Toastmasters was my University it was
also a huge equalizer because as
Seinfeld says no matter who you are or
what you do
nearly everyone would rather be in the
neurodiversity
is the understanding that humans are
diverse in their brain function this
includes attention deficit hyperactivity
Tourette’s autism giftedness among
others neurodiversity is running on
Windows when everyone else is on Mac
it’s not bad it’s just different but the
thing with feeling different and not
having a reason not having a diagnosis
is you blame yourself clearly everyone
else is coping with these perfectly
normal human things no one else wants to
puke when schedules change no one else
would rather peel off their own skin
then we’re rough touchy jeans no one
else is freaking out no one else is
flinching at eye contact although it
kind of burns like a sponge being dumped
with a bucket full of water or an
encyclopedia being flipped in the face
of a speed reader it’s a lot of
information I contact the basic building
block of human communication
clearly I was defective I was weak I was
alone and I would just have to work
harder I trained myself to override all
the stress signals so when my body said
everyone else strives I don’t want to
drive do it everyone else hangs around
with people I don’t want to do it I
trained myself to override the stress
me coming out now and saying I’m
autistic doesn’t change who I am
I was always autistic I just didn’t know
it I can mimic normal but my autism
isn’t gone it’s just no longer your
so I mimicked normal I pretend that
things don’t hurt but they don’t make my
skin crawl
lights too bright too sudden sound too
loud too much monotonous greeting
scrapey my contact feels physical
physical touch feels like an imprint and
then there’s clothing furniture texture
food as you can imagine I am super fun
to live with if I had knowing that only
9% of autistics are married but I’ve
believed a relationship was possible who
decides what feelings are normal or
appropriate
I still cry at some TV ads because to me
some are said but divorce to me is not
said grown-up people grow apart they’re
different they’re happy on their own
funerals beautiful a whole bunch of
people connected by love in one room
telling stories about how all some of
their friends are so beautiful I love it
who decides what’s appropriate what’s
not appropriate what lead to diagnosis
for me was a shutdown I was at a
shopping center when it happened
so now on top of years of working too
much pretending too much being too much
now here are the lights the sounds the
voices the smells I couldn’t breathe I
couldn’t move I couldn’t speak my bones
felt heavy I was numb I got to a seat
but I wasn’t there I was way down I
don’t remember how I got home Thank You
husband but I remember waking up a few
days later and being really scared my
body was done with being dragged around
by
brain it was over his deal shutdown is a
result of sensory overload and it can
come on all of a sudden or over a long
period of time you can either be a
shutdown as it was with me or it could
be a meltdown lots of people are
familiar with meltdowns this is a
temporary loss of control and it can be
a physical outburst crying screaming
kicking it’s not the same as a tantrum
it’s not being spoiled or naughty it’s
not a kid’s bad parents or adults lack
of self-control it is a physical
reaction it like sneezing like smiling
it is a breaking point after a buildup
if someone having a tantrum what they
want and they’ll stop but for an
autistic once you reach meltdown or
shutdown point you’re already gone for
our loved ones it’s just a matter of
writing out the storm in the best ways
they can we have a shout out to the
loved ones the sisters the siblings the
brothers the partners the children who
change their lives they honor our
sensitivities even though they don’t
feel them they cut the scratchy tags out
of clothes they limit their activities
they lower their volume you guys change
hundreds of things about your lives so
we can be in it and it’s everything the
diagnosis came in what’s a stick well
that can’t be right I know what ism I’ve
seen Rain Man I am not like that autism
is a disability it is a disorder autism
is a way of processing the world and I
am exactly like that
my diagnosis classifies me as
high-functioning that sucks as much as
saying someone as low functioning
totally dismisses these strengths saying
I’m high functioning discounts my shut
downs it ignores all the ways I’ve
rigged up my life to cope with the
stress it totally overlooks the millions
of little decisions and steps and
techniques I use to survive bypassing is
normal high functioning is there’s
natural for me as asking anyone to
rewire who they really are
for the comfort of the majority this is
easy as sending Ellen to conversion camp
or as easy as making everyone
left-handed when you break a bone nobody
sees walk it off it has they know that
in a moment you can cause physical
damage that takes weeks to undo same
with autistic shutdown
I can look normal I can use my
desensitized brains drag my body around
I can smile and nod and speak but I will
go home and sleep for two days five
after that I can push through that
should I I will be broken for longer
because everything in me fights my body
telling me to slow down the best thing
about being diagnosed late as I wasn’t
raised with a disability I didn’t have
the prejudice I didn’t ever label but
also no understanding no self-awareness
no idea of how to slow down or protect
myself and no special car park I can
keep hiding in plain sight but I don’t
want to anymore so this is that I am out
I’m still figuring it out I’m getting
used to the language for me I don’t have
autism I do not suffer from autism I’m
tongue it away tak uot aa an autistic
person it’s Who I am it’s how I’m wired
until now I haven’t told many people I
don’t want to be treated differently I
but I want the label because the label
will come with freedom to be Who I am
and to know that anything is possible
despite of is despite and because of my
wiring I’ve been pretending to be normal
for a long time and I am used to being
weird I am not used to having people
accept the weirdness I mister fighting
all my instincts to appear normal to
others obviously I’m not nailing it when
I tell people I’m autistic
I’ll is shocked and or than I would like
but what there is is relief in May I can
breathe and I want to be out not
literally I’m still gonna stay inside I
feel better but I want that freedom I
want that label I think anything is
possible and no matter which way that
you work I also want everyone to know
that just because you feel weird and
just because you feel different it might
just mean you’re in the wrong place you
may not belong in your workplace your
classroom your city your family but you
belong in this world
just because someone’s autistic it
doesn’t mean they have a special gift
they have a special gift special yes
because they’re human we all are
that’s your ticket you were born you’re
here made us you fit and you belong in
this world a walker a cane or we are all
in this together
there’s there’s so much we can do when
we funnel this energy out of pretending
to be normal and into doing what we love
and what we’re good at you can’t tell
from looking that I’m Maori that I am
you can’t tell from looking that I’m
autistic but I am you can’t tell
anything about anyone by looking anymore
there is no normal
there is no real world only the one we
decide and the one we create you may be
weird and you may be different but you
belong here
your existence our existence rewrites normal
Please follow and like us: