[Applause]
I’m sitting on a bus and I’m staring out
the window I’m wondering if I turned the
downstairs lights out because the energy
bill last quarter was through the roof
and I’m gonna be in real trouble if I’ve
left those lights on
did I flick that switch
ring-ring ring-ring ring-ring ring-ring
why is my boss calling me this earlier
ring-ring ring-ring did I have a court
appearance that I forgot about this
morning ring ring ring ring hello
Elana its Tony your boss you’ve got an
hour to do a Ted what talk to you good
mrs. ware we’ll call you shortly
I can’t dare to do a TED talk I
literally have nothing to say there’s
nothing interesting about my life the
most interesting thing is whether or not
I left the downstairs lights on well I
mean I guess says I guess there’s the
time that I did to audition for that
performing arts school in Hollywood when
I was 19 you know that one that Kirk
Douglas and Paul Rudd and Kim control
went to but I’d never get into that kind
of school would I I’m standing in a pub
in Galway and there’s a big fat chicken
schnitzel in front of me I love chicken
schnitzel it’s a really good mushroom
gravy too you know when it’s good
because you can actually see the
mushroom unit so you know it’s a legit
mushroom tomorrow they’re holding
auditions for that acting school in
Hollywood but auditions are in London
and I’m in Ireland and that’s why I
agreed to go on this little Irish John
because I knew I wouldn’t be back in
London in time to audition because
there’s no point I’ll never get into
that school it’ll just be a big fat
of time and money what’s a time oh it’s
10:30 p.m. and the last plane leaves
Shannon air put it around midnight why
are we in a taxi with my passport
where’s all my luggage did I just leave
that in the hotel room one ticket to
London Gatwick please I’m standing at
the post box I can see that there’s a
big envelope inside but I don’t want to
dare open it
I can see this little starry logo in the
corner of the envelope and I’m expecting
to read thank you for your time in
auditioning unfortunately on this
occasion bla bla bla but it doesn’t I
open it up and there’s these are
information in there like student these
are information I’m gonna be a student
of the American Academy of Dramatic Arts
in Hollywood Los Angeles California like
the United States of America the world
the universe I’m standing in a toilet
block in a Mexican restaurant and I can
hear the girl next to me in the cubicle
she’s peeing and she’s taking a really
long time because I’m already washing my
hands by the time she gets out even
though I went in way before her so I
look up and I see Drew Barrymore
walk out of the cubicle so this woman
just looks like a regular person she
just takes a hand towel and I’m still
there still washing my hands over and
over cuz I don’t want her to think I’m
not hygienic right she takes a hand
towel and seeing that she’s blocking the
dispenser from me and that’s probably
why I’m just standing there creepily
washing my hands for a very long time
she passes one to me I say thank you
drew
I love you and she does this little boom
used hey Ozzie I love you too and I tell
everyone after that Drew Barrymore and I
love each other I’m waiting in the bar
line at intermission of a street and
play it’s a Gandalf from Lord of the
Rings yeah that is Sir Ian McKellen only
I don’t remember he’s been knighted and
he is a sir so I just waltz on up to him
and I Pavin and pat him on the back and
I say oh hi Ian hi it’s a Lana like he
knows who I am and then I realize myself
and say I’m a person who wants an
autograph he’s shocked and so am i I’ve
totally forgotten myself and he has too
so he just signs my autograph
I’m standing in the grocery line waiting
for the guy in front of me to finish up
with his items his shopping trolley is
so full and I’m standing the stress out
I’m gonna be late for class at the
American Academy a young girl comes over
and asks for my autograph can this be
real can this actually be happening I
smile and ask if she’s seen the play I’m
currently performing in you know it’s
it’s a student play but it’s pretty good
and she says who are you I’m talking to
Johnny Knoxville the man in front of me
turns around and scribbles down his
autograph oh of course
Johnny Knoxville yeah that makes sense
more so than my student play how can it
be that I’m living this life how did I
get to Hollywood at 19 years old one
year ago I was sitting in the abbot’s
Lee senior School Concert Hall wondering
what my life was going to look like
after school I hadn’t dared dream I
would be living in Hollywood attending a
performing arts core
and shopping for groceries alongside
celebs so what does it mean today well
the Oxford learner’s dictionary
transitive definition defines it as
being to persuade somebody to do
something dangerous difficult or
embarrassing so they can show that
they’re not afraid so you need to be
bold and you need to be ambitious and
you need to have courage but daring to
dream is kind of crazy and it’s a bit
scary it’s scary to walk up to Sir Ian
McKellen and introduce yourself as hi in
it’s a Lada you know but it’s easy to be
daring when you got a network of people
around you who have your back one of my
first ever memories of being on this
earth was working out my place in
relation to other people and other
people’s place in relation to me I
recall being very young and sharing a
room with my twin brothers James and
Shaun I was still so young that James
was sleeping in a cot we would talk to
each other after lights-out which wasn’t
allowed and after a few warnings we
would hear dad’s angry tone coming down
the hall telling us he was going to shut
the door if we didn’t stop talking we
were so freaked out at being left alone
in the dark we used to kick the door
after the door had been shut so that mum
would come and open it for us James can
really get out of his cot very easily so
it was really up to Shawn and I to
assume his task after some time I got to
learn that who was whoever was not under
their dinner cover when dad came in to
tell us off wouldn’t you’re the banging
of his breath so I started to kick the
door run over to James’s caught rip the
Doudna off of him race back into my bed
and watch dad’s drive over to James’s
caught and tell him off and I’m not
proud of this it was pretty harsh but
the fear of dad’s anger overrode any
trace of guilt I might might have had so
shortly after several of these incidents
took place
James convinced Shawn and I that we
should jump on top of mums blue car
to climb into the roof of our house
where she stored all manner of her
trinkets her special items so Shawn and
I busied ourselves passing items down to
James who couldn’t reach the roof
because he was a bit bigger
hours later dad called us into the
garage lined us all up and measured our
foot size against the footprints on the
roofs car that sneaky little dibadeaux
james had thrown shawn and i in it as
retribution for the jr incident but over
time my stealthy lone-wolf tactics
receded as our shared experience
nurtured camaraderie and loyalty I
recall forcing James into one of my
floral green dresses mums yellow sun hat
pearls and high heels to star as a
mother in a play my childhood friend and
I had written called the creepy
babysitter this is where my acting
career really took off this particular
episode was to be filmed for my friend’s
dad so we were going all out in applying
mums red lipstick to James who sat
patiently as I tried various different
shades of Rouge the only stipulation he
gave me was that I was never allowed to
tell his girlfriend Emily mode who he
later married in the school playground
age 7 and I kept my word even though I
presided over the marriage I never
disclosed to Emily that she was marrying
a crossdresser true to my word because
that’s what it means to be part of a
pack you can have a go at each other but
don’t dare let anyone else say about
worried about it one of my favorite
authors rooted couplets of the Jungle
Book captures it well now this is a law
of the jungle as old and as true as the
sky and the wolf that shall keep it may
prosper but the wolf that shall break it
must die as the creeper the girdles the
tree trunk the law runneth forward and
back for the strength of the pack is the
wolf and the strength of the wolf is the
pack it is only because of my pack that
I have gained enough strength stability
and security within myself to brave huge
transition
in my life to dare to move to England at
the age of 18 spending a year working
and travelling around there before
moving to Los Angeles at 19 and being
there for a number of years despite this
being one of the most exciting times in
my life I felt the pain of separation
from my secure network as I battled
homesickness loneliness loss of
friendships and loss of familiarity I’m
standing at the post office there’s a
homeless woman walking through the door
she’s muttering to herself she only got
the part because she’s pretty she’s not
even a good actress and right there that
was the moment that I decided that was
the hardest decision of my life deciding
to come home to call my time in LA to
realize I didn’t want to be defined by
you know that girl who went to Hollywood
anymore
what is she even doing now I didn’t want
to be a 40 year old waitress still
trying to make it I didn’t know what I
wanted to be I just knew where I wanted
to be home daring to dream is scary but
daring to wake up can be even scarier I
had made the decision to move to
Hollywood with all the support of my
entire network I recall receiving text
from well wishes I didn’t even know
before I set off for LA would I be
disappointing a whole raft of strangers
not to mention my family and friends if
I were to decide this life is no longer
for me la doesn’t feel fun anymore
it feels tired and lonely I want to go
home but I don’t want to fail I’m
sitting in my kitchen in LA I’m on the
phone to my mom she tells me it’s time
that my very old cat be put to sleep I
hang up the phone
and I begin to cry then I really begin
to cry and then I start howling Bella is
so old Ilana and you haven’t even lived
with that cat for over 4 years since you
left for England and before you moved to
LA but for some reason in this moment
she’s all that is home to me
I decided I must risk the title of
failure and dare to give up on what was
once my dream and move home I’m walking
through the airport gates
I’m scared there won’t be anyone
awaiting my arrival because I’ve told
mum the wrong day because of the time
difference I look up there’s a whole
there’s a welcome home banner and a
balloon there’s my pack I can dare to do
anything with my pack I’m sitting at the
kitchen table filling out forms for law
school I’m sitting on an aeroplane bound
for the University of Oxford I’m
sleeping in a dorm room at New College
Oxford poring over international human
rights law textbooks I’m being admitted
to the Supreme Court of New South Wales
and I’m standing in front of a group of
young women on a TED stage maybe some
men too because it looks like there
might be some guys your bright futures
are in front of you
and I am promising you that if you all
keep your pack close by you can dare to do anything thank you
I’m sitting on a bus and I’m staring out
the window I’m wondering if I turned the
downstairs lights out because the energy
bill last quarter was through the roof
and I’m gonna be in real trouble if I’ve
left those lights on
did I flick that switch
ring-ring ring-ring ring-ring ring-ring
why is my boss calling me this earlier
ring-ring ring-ring did I have a court
appearance that I forgot about this
morning ring ring ring ring hello
Elana its Tony your boss you’ve got an
hour to do a Ted what talk to you good
mrs. ware we’ll call you shortly
I can’t dare to do a TED talk I
literally have nothing to say there’s
nothing interesting about my life the
most interesting thing is whether or not
I left the downstairs lights on well I
mean I guess says I guess there’s the
time that I did to audition for that
performing arts school in Hollywood when
I was 19 you know that one that Kirk
Douglas and Paul Rudd and Kim control
went to but I’d never get into that kind
of school would I I’m standing in a pub
in Galway and there’s a big fat chicken
schnitzel in front of me I love chicken
schnitzel it’s a really good mushroom
gravy too you know when it’s good
because you can actually see the
mushroom unit so you know it’s a legit
mushroom tomorrow they’re holding
auditions for that acting school in
Hollywood but auditions are in London
and I’m in Ireland and that’s why I
agreed to go on this little Irish John
because I knew I wouldn’t be back in
London in time to audition because
there’s no point I’ll never get into
that school it’ll just be a big fat
of time and money what’s a time oh it’s
10:30 p.m. and the last plane leaves
Shannon air put it around midnight why
are we in a taxi with my passport
where’s all my luggage did I just leave
that in the hotel room one ticket to
London Gatwick please I’m standing at
the post box I can see that there’s a
big envelope inside but I don’t want to
dare open it
I can see this little starry logo in the
corner of the envelope and I’m expecting
to read thank you for your time in
auditioning unfortunately on this
occasion bla bla bla but it doesn’t I
open it up and there’s these are
information in there like student these
are information I’m gonna be a student
of the American Academy of Dramatic Arts
in Hollywood Los Angeles California like
the United States of America the world
the universe I’m standing in a toilet
block in a Mexican restaurant and I can
hear the girl next to me in the cubicle
she’s peeing and she’s taking a really
long time because I’m already washing my
hands by the time she gets out even
though I went in way before her so I
look up and I see Drew Barrymore
walk out of the cubicle so this woman
just looks like a regular person she
just takes a hand towel and I’m still
there still washing my hands over and
over cuz I don’t want her to think I’m
not hygienic right she takes a hand
towel and seeing that she’s blocking the
dispenser from me and that’s probably
why I’m just standing there creepily
washing my hands for a very long time
she passes one to me I say thank you
drew
I love you and she does this little boom
used hey Ozzie I love you too and I tell
everyone after that Drew Barrymore and I
love each other I’m waiting in the bar
line at intermission of a street and
play it’s a Gandalf from Lord of the
Rings yeah that is Sir Ian McKellen only
I don’t remember he’s been knighted and
he is a sir so I just waltz on up to him
and I Pavin and pat him on the back and
I say oh hi Ian hi it’s a Lana like he
knows who I am and then I realize myself
and say I’m a person who wants an
autograph he’s shocked and so am i I’ve
totally forgotten myself and he has too
so he just signs my autograph
I’m standing in the grocery line waiting
for the guy in front of me to finish up
with his items his shopping trolley is
so full and I’m standing the stress out
I’m gonna be late for class at the
American Academy a young girl comes over
and asks for my autograph can this be
real can this actually be happening I
smile and ask if she’s seen the play I’m
currently performing in you know it’s
it’s a student play but it’s pretty good
and she says who are you I’m talking to
Johnny Knoxville the man in front of me
turns around and scribbles down his
autograph oh of course
Johnny Knoxville yeah that makes sense
more so than my student play how can it
be that I’m living this life how did I
get to Hollywood at 19 years old one
year ago I was sitting in the abbot’s
Lee senior School Concert Hall wondering
what my life was going to look like
after school I hadn’t dared dream I
would be living in Hollywood attending a
performing arts core
and shopping for groceries alongside
celebs so what does it mean today well
the Oxford learner’s dictionary
transitive definition defines it as
being to persuade somebody to do
something dangerous difficult or
embarrassing so they can show that
they’re not afraid so you need to be
bold and you need to be ambitious and
you need to have courage but daring to
dream is kind of crazy and it’s a bit
scary it’s scary to walk up to Sir Ian
McKellen and introduce yourself as hi in
it’s a Lada you know but it’s easy to be
daring when you got a network of people
around you who have your back one of my
first ever memories of being on this
earth was working out my place in
relation to other people and other
people’s place in relation to me I
recall being very young and sharing a
room with my twin brothers James and
Shaun I was still so young that James
was sleeping in a cot we would talk to
each other after lights-out which wasn’t
allowed and after a few warnings we
would hear dad’s angry tone coming down
the hall telling us he was going to shut
the door if we didn’t stop talking we
were so freaked out at being left alone
in the dark we used to kick the door
after the door had been shut so that mum
would come and open it for us James can
really get out of his cot very easily so
it was really up to Shawn and I to
assume his task after some time I got to
learn that who was whoever was not under
their dinner cover when dad came in to
tell us off wouldn’t you’re the banging
of his breath so I started to kick the
door run over to James’s caught rip the
Doudna off of him race back into my bed
and watch dad’s drive over to James’s
caught and tell him off and I’m not
proud of this it was pretty harsh but
the fear of dad’s anger overrode any
trace of guilt I might might have had so
shortly after several of these incidents
took place
James convinced Shawn and I that we
should jump on top of mums blue car
to climb into the roof of our house
where she stored all manner of her
trinkets her special items so Shawn and
I busied ourselves passing items down to
James who couldn’t reach the roof
because he was a bit bigger
hours later dad called us into the
garage lined us all up and measured our
foot size against the footprints on the
roofs car that sneaky little dibadeaux
james had thrown shawn and i in it as
retribution for the jr incident but over
time my stealthy lone-wolf tactics
receded as our shared experience
nurtured camaraderie and loyalty I
recall forcing James into one of my
floral green dresses mums yellow sun hat
pearls and high heels to star as a
mother in a play my childhood friend and
I had written called the creepy
babysitter this is where my acting
career really took off this particular
episode was to be filmed for my friend’s
dad so we were going all out in applying
mums red lipstick to James who sat
patiently as I tried various different
shades of Rouge the only stipulation he
gave me was that I was never allowed to
tell his girlfriend Emily mode who he
later married in the school playground
age 7 and I kept my word even though I
presided over the marriage I never
disclosed to Emily that she was marrying
a crossdresser true to my word because
that’s what it means to be part of a
pack you can have a go at each other but
don’t dare let anyone else say about
worried about it one of my favorite
authors rooted couplets of the Jungle
Book captures it well now this is a law
of the jungle as old and as true as the
sky and the wolf that shall keep it may
prosper but the wolf that shall break it
must die as the creeper the girdles the
tree trunk the law runneth forward and
back for the strength of the pack is the
wolf and the strength of the wolf is the
pack it is only because of my pack that
I have gained enough strength stability
and security within myself to brave huge
transition
in my life to dare to move to England at
the age of 18 spending a year working
and travelling around there before
moving to Los Angeles at 19 and being
there for a number of years despite this
being one of the most exciting times in
my life I felt the pain of separation
from my secure network as I battled
homesickness loneliness loss of
friendships and loss of familiarity I’m
standing at the post office there’s a
homeless woman walking through the door
she’s muttering to herself she only got
the part because she’s pretty she’s not
even a good actress and right there that
was the moment that I decided that was
the hardest decision of my life deciding
to come home to call my time in LA to
realize I didn’t want to be defined by
you know that girl who went to Hollywood
anymore
what is she even doing now I didn’t want
to be a 40 year old waitress still
trying to make it I didn’t know what I
wanted to be I just knew where I wanted
to be home daring to dream is scary but
daring to wake up can be even scarier I
had made the decision to move to
Hollywood with all the support of my
entire network I recall receiving text
from well wishes I didn’t even know
before I set off for LA would I be
disappointing a whole raft of strangers
not to mention my family and friends if
I were to decide this life is no longer
for me la doesn’t feel fun anymore
it feels tired and lonely I want to go
home but I don’t want to fail I’m
sitting in my kitchen in LA I’m on the
phone to my mom she tells me it’s time
that my very old cat be put to sleep I
hang up the phone
and I begin to cry then I really begin
to cry and then I start howling Bella is
so old Ilana and you haven’t even lived
with that cat for over 4 years since you
left for England and before you moved to
LA but for some reason in this moment
she’s all that is home to me
I decided I must risk the title of
failure and dare to give up on what was
once my dream and move home I’m walking
through the airport gates
I’m scared there won’t be anyone
awaiting my arrival because I’ve told
mum the wrong day because of the time
difference I look up there’s a whole
there’s a welcome home banner and a
balloon there’s my pack I can dare to do
anything with my pack I’m sitting at the
kitchen table filling out forms for law
school I’m sitting on an aeroplane bound
for the University of Oxford I’m
sleeping in a dorm room at New College
Oxford poring over international human
rights law textbooks I’m being admitted
to the Supreme Court of New South Wales
and I’m standing in front of a group of
young women on a TED stage maybe some
men too because it looks like there
might be some guys your bright futures
are in front of you
and I am promising you that if you all
keep your pack close by you can dare to do anything thank you
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