well the story that really led me here
was from a few months back it was
October to be exact a Monday afternoon
the day I was home early from work and I
stood on my stove prepping dinner as my
then six-year-old son Tyler lay on the
floor behind me completely absorbed into
his iPad playing Minecraft and as I
stood cooking I listened to NPR and that
day the host was discussing the me2
movement in a cot my attention and this
caught my attention not because I’m a
woman or I’m a person who cares or I’m a
clinical psychologist and a lecturer at
Harvard and Child Advocacy it really
caught my attention because I’m a mom
I’m just an average mom fumbling my way
through raising three feisty kids
Cameron’s nine Tyler seven and Eva’s
four oh my goal is quite simple really
my goal is to raise good enough guys
good guys who will go out in the world
and feel secure enough in themselves to
stand up for women stand up for all
people in fact and just not really be
the creeps who take what they want just
because I can and how do I raise a
daughter who feels secure enough in
herself to recognize good guys and not
accept the not so good ones and on this
particular day the host was discussing
Harvey Weinstein and other prominent men
who are recently accused of sexual
harassment and assault she explored the
how and why we as a culture are creating
an environment where we tolerate sexual
violence where one out of every six of
our women is a victim of attempted or
completed rape that’s insane
and then my mind very quickly went to my
beautiful young strong daughter and I
thought oh no the statistics are really
not in her favor and then I looked at
her very small preschool class and I
realized one to two of those little
girls could be a victim of rape one day
and that holy-shit feeling you have
right now
I felt listening to this news report
well my husband got home from work I
asked him is this just how guys are
wired do you want to pull your penis out
at work he’s a smart guy and very
promptly said no but as the news report
went on I became hyper aware that there
were big six-year-old ears in the room
and I rushed to turn the radio down and
I had this moment of consciousness and I
thought this is the problem we’re
sheltering are developing boys every
time there’s something difficult or
sexual we rush to turn the radio down or
hit the TV off and our youngest guys are
missing out on really important
conversations so in this moment with my
son I had this moment of clarity and I
thought I need to bring up these topics
with my kids I have this captive
audience in front of me at 6 & 8 years
old there are these moldable little
sponges with blinky little legs there
and back at me and my voice matters and
it matters a lot and according to Piaget
children between the ages of five and
ten years old
see morality through the lens of other
that means ideas shared by parents and
teachers and coaches and government
leaders are seen as absolute and
unbreakable and at this moment it became
crystal clear what message I want my
boys to get so I pushed through my
discomfort and I just stepped back to
the stove and I sat there and i wrung my
hands and i felt nervous and I thought
what am I gonna say to Tyler how am I
gonna bring this topic up with him so I
just pushed through it I got some
confidence and I just said hey ty are
you listening to this did you hear this
really famous movie guy was touching
women when they didn’t want to be
touched and he was saying inappropriate
things and now he’s in really big
trouble and there’s a chance he could go
to jail
and I just stood back to the stove and I
felt nervous and then during this time I
had this these images of Tyler around
the playground butchering the story to
his friends with parents calling me
being like what the hell are you telling
your kid what the hell is your kid
telling my kid and then
I just pops his head up his big blue
eyes and he just looks at me and he says
very matter-of-factly he’s not
traumatized he’s not shocked he just
looks at me and he says what that’s
illegal
didn’t Trump do that I pretty much fell
to the floor but I’m not here to make
political statements I’m here to talk
about the messaging in our community and
how our littlest kids are hearing things
that we don’t even realize they’re
hearing these messages are getting
internalized and wedged into the
developing brains and bodies so I just
simply said to ty yes bud you’re right
unfortunately Trump did say
inappropriate things and that’s not okay
we don’t do that in our family I don’t
do that dad doesn’t do that and you’re
not to do that either got it
sure mom and back to his iPad so in this
quick little interaction my head’s
spinning as a parent but he just
nonchalantly hops back into his
Minecraft and in this moment I realized
I need to push through my discomfort and
bring these things up to him it was very
easy for him to just hop it in this
conversation and it was really my thing
that I that I was avoiding so days and
weeks went by and I thought a lot about
how my kids are exposed to so much
messaging messaging I don’t agree with
that will shape their future thoughts
and their behaviors and then I thought
this extends so much deeper than just
speaking about sexual responsibilities
it’s really about gender inequality and
how we particularly are boys and men see
our girls and women so what do we do
about this what do I do about this what
do you do about this how do we bring
these up with our bring this up with our
children what are we to do here the
thing is we need to talk about it but
our psychology and our socialization get
in the way a bit and I’ll tell you why
and the first way is through something
called implicit gender bias
and this is when we make assumptions
about others based on their gender our
brain is always looking for shortcuts
trying to work as efficiently as
possible but because of that we put
people into mental buckets girls pink
sweet fragile boys active strong blue
and the best people with the best
intentions do this so some might say
boys and girls are just built
differently and that’s partially true
but science tells us that the brains of
men in women are about 90 percent
similar that means gender roles are
mostly socially constructed and even the
people with the best intentions do this
our brains aren’t trying to be mean or
cruel or unfair they’re just trying to
work efficiently and use prior
information information we’ve learned
from our parents and families to make
assumptions about current information
and that becomes our worldview so a
larger study done by Harvard from 2005
to 2015
found that 76% of people men and women
believed that men are more suited for
careers and women for home making that’s
a recent study 2005 to 2015
200,000 people a big study and 76% of
those people believe either consciously
or unconsciously men are better suited
for careers and women for home making
Insano so I encourage you to accept that
this happens you don’t need to self
criticize or judge yourself but accept
that we all do this and we need to
notice this we need to notice these
automatic thoughts and make a different
choice about how we respond a thought is
just a neural firing and we have a
choice in how we respond and reread and
we behave so what do we do about this we
need to notice this in ourselves and we
need to choose something different you
have to think about how gender bias
comes up for you have you ever said men
are more physical or more aggressive and
women are more emotional and dramatic
that’s gender bias my friends we all do
it it’s a brain thing and we need to
notice what we’re thinking and make a
different choice about how we respond so
I’m not here to finger wag bad boys or
bad ambivalent feminists but I’m here to
encourage us all myself included to get
more conscious the next generation of
Louis CK’s and Kevin Spacey’s and Mario
Batali’s are on the playground learning
their ABCs and we need to change the
cultural dialogue they hear I hope those
aren’t my sons or the kids you know from
home or your cousin’s but the reality is
some of them are so we have a choice we
can wait and see if it’s our kids who
happen to be the ones who pushes the
girl past her comfort level as he
fumbles to figure out his own sexuality
our worse becomes the guy who takes
advantage of his young female co-workers
just because he can or we can say
something now and change the cultural
dialogue that our kids are hearing and
what research tells us is that rapists
will say yes I’ve had non-consensual sex
but they don’t see themselves as rapists
and what we also know is that for these
guys these transgressions start early
they start high school they start in
college and they start with people they
know so I know I need to talk to my boys
before they get to that point I need to
talk to them when they’re kids and I
need to change what they’re hearing and
prioritize gender equality and safe
boundaries I hear people say if we just
raise gentlemen this wouldn’t be a
problem
one mother doesn’t want to raise a
gentleman I really hope to raise a
sexually coercive son says no mother
ever but kids need tools be specific go
deeper say more and start early and this
is really not just about parenting it’s
about leadership a leader is someone who
goes first when it’s uncomfortable so be
a leader in this bring up these topics
bring up these conversations and set the
tone for the youngest boys and the
youngest kids you have in your
so on summary notice gender inequality
and gender bias have some self
compassion some self-awareness and speak
up and say something different the
repair is more important than the
rupture and lastly talk to our kids
early push through your own discomfort
in your own anxiety and be the one who’s
setting the tone in our community in our
culture be a leader in this speak up it
doesn’t have to be perfect but just say
something this matters more than you think
was from a few months back it was
October to be exact a Monday afternoon
the day I was home early from work and I
stood on my stove prepping dinner as my
then six-year-old son Tyler lay on the
floor behind me completely absorbed into
his iPad playing Minecraft and as I
stood cooking I listened to NPR and that
day the host was discussing the me2
movement in a cot my attention and this
caught my attention not because I’m a
woman or I’m a person who cares or I’m a
clinical psychologist and a lecturer at
Harvard and Child Advocacy it really
caught my attention because I’m a mom
I’m just an average mom fumbling my way
through raising three feisty kids
Cameron’s nine Tyler seven and Eva’s
four oh my goal is quite simple really
my goal is to raise good enough guys
good guys who will go out in the world
and feel secure enough in themselves to
stand up for women stand up for all
people in fact and just not really be
the creeps who take what they want just
because I can and how do I raise a
daughter who feels secure enough in
herself to recognize good guys and not
accept the not so good ones and on this
particular day the host was discussing
Harvey Weinstein and other prominent men
who are recently accused of sexual
harassment and assault she explored the
how and why we as a culture are creating
an environment where we tolerate sexual
violence where one out of every six of
our women is a victim of attempted or
completed rape that’s insane
and then my mind very quickly went to my
beautiful young strong daughter and I
thought oh no the statistics are really
not in her favor and then I looked at
her very small preschool class and I
realized one to two of those little
girls could be a victim of rape one day
and that holy-shit feeling you have
right now
I felt listening to this news report
well my husband got home from work I
asked him is this just how guys are
wired do you want to pull your penis out
at work he’s a smart guy and very
promptly said no but as the news report
went on I became hyper aware that there
were big six-year-old ears in the room
and I rushed to turn the radio down and
I had this moment of consciousness and I
thought this is the problem we’re
sheltering are developing boys every
time there’s something difficult or
sexual we rush to turn the radio down or
hit the TV off and our youngest guys are
missing out on really important
conversations so in this moment with my
son I had this moment of clarity and I
thought I need to bring up these topics
with my kids I have this captive
audience in front of me at 6 & 8 years
old there are these moldable little
sponges with blinky little legs there
and back at me and my voice matters and
it matters a lot and according to Piaget
children between the ages of five and
ten years old
see morality through the lens of other
that means ideas shared by parents and
teachers and coaches and government
leaders are seen as absolute and
unbreakable and at this moment it became
crystal clear what message I want my
boys to get so I pushed through my
discomfort and I just stepped back to
the stove and I sat there and i wrung my
hands and i felt nervous and I thought
what am I gonna say to Tyler how am I
gonna bring this topic up with him so I
just pushed through it I got some
confidence and I just said hey ty are
you listening to this did you hear this
really famous movie guy was touching
women when they didn’t want to be
touched and he was saying inappropriate
things and now he’s in really big
trouble and there’s a chance he could go
to jail
and I just stood back to the stove and I
felt nervous and then during this time I
had this these images of Tyler around
the playground butchering the story to
his friends with parents calling me
being like what the hell are you telling
your kid what the hell is your kid
telling my kid and then
I just pops his head up his big blue
eyes and he just looks at me and he says
very matter-of-factly he’s not
traumatized he’s not shocked he just
looks at me and he says what that’s
illegal
didn’t Trump do that I pretty much fell
to the floor but I’m not here to make
political statements I’m here to talk
about the messaging in our community and
how our littlest kids are hearing things
that we don’t even realize they’re
hearing these messages are getting
internalized and wedged into the
developing brains and bodies so I just
simply said to ty yes bud you’re right
unfortunately Trump did say
inappropriate things and that’s not okay
we don’t do that in our family I don’t
do that dad doesn’t do that and you’re
not to do that either got it
sure mom and back to his iPad so in this
quick little interaction my head’s
spinning as a parent but he just
nonchalantly hops back into his
Minecraft and in this moment I realized
I need to push through my discomfort and
bring these things up to him it was very
easy for him to just hop it in this
conversation and it was really my thing
that I that I was avoiding so days and
weeks went by and I thought a lot about
how my kids are exposed to so much
messaging messaging I don’t agree with
that will shape their future thoughts
and their behaviors and then I thought
this extends so much deeper than just
speaking about sexual responsibilities
it’s really about gender inequality and
how we particularly are boys and men see
our girls and women so what do we do
about this what do I do about this what
do you do about this how do we bring
these up with our bring this up with our
children what are we to do here the
thing is we need to talk about it but
our psychology and our socialization get
in the way a bit and I’ll tell you why
and the first way is through something
called implicit gender bias
and this is when we make assumptions
about others based on their gender our
brain is always looking for shortcuts
trying to work as efficiently as
possible but because of that we put
people into mental buckets girls pink
sweet fragile boys active strong blue
and the best people with the best
intentions do this so some might say
boys and girls are just built
differently and that’s partially true
but science tells us that the brains of
men in women are about 90 percent
similar that means gender roles are
mostly socially constructed and even the
people with the best intentions do this
our brains aren’t trying to be mean or
cruel or unfair they’re just trying to
work efficiently and use prior
information information we’ve learned
from our parents and families to make
assumptions about current information
and that becomes our worldview so a
larger study done by Harvard from 2005
to 2015
found that 76% of people men and women
believed that men are more suited for
careers and women for home making that’s
a recent study 2005 to 2015
200,000 people a big study and 76% of
those people believe either consciously
or unconsciously men are better suited
for careers and women for home making
Insano so I encourage you to accept that
this happens you don’t need to self
criticize or judge yourself but accept
that we all do this and we need to
notice this we need to notice these
automatic thoughts and make a different
choice about how we respond a thought is
just a neural firing and we have a
choice in how we respond and reread and
we behave so what do we do about this we
need to notice this in ourselves and we
need to choose something different you
have to think about how gender bias
comes up for you have you ever said men
are more physical or more aggressive and
women are more emotional and dramatic
that’s gender bias my friends we all do
it it’s a brain thing and we need to
notice what we’re thinking and make a
different choice about how we respond so
I’m not here to finger wag bad boys or
bad ambivalent feminists but I’m here to
encourage us all myself included to get
more conscious the next generation of
Louis CK’s and Kevin Spacey’s and Mario
Batali’s are on the playground learning
their ABCs and we need to change the
cultural dialogue they hear I hope those
aren’t my sons or the kids you know from
home or your cousin’s but the reality is
some of them are so we have a choice we
can wait and see if it’s our kids who
happen to be the ones who pushes the
girl past her comfort level as he
fumbles to figure out his own sexuality
our worse becomes the guy who takes
advantage of his young female co-workers
just because he can or we can say
something now and change the cultural
dialogue that our kids are hearing and
what research tells us is that rapists
will say yes I’ve had non-consensual sex
but they don’t see themselves as rapists
and what we also know is that for these
guys these transgressions start early
they start high school they start in
college and they start with people they
know so I know I need to talk to my boys
before they get to that point I need to
talk to them when they’re kids and I
need to change what they’re hearing and
prioritize gender equality and safe
boundaries I hear people say if we just
raise gentlemen this wouldn’t be a
problem
one mother doesn’t want to raise a
gentleman I really hope to raise a
sexually coercive son says no mother
ever but kids need tools be specific go
deeper say more and start early and this
is really not just about parenting it’s
about leadership a leader is someone who
goes first when it’s uncomfortable so be
a leader in this bring up these topics
bring up these conversations and set the
tone for the youngest boys and the
youngest kids you have in your
so on summary notice gender inequality
and gender bias have some self
compassion some self-awareness and speak
up and say something different the
repair is more important than the
rupture and lastly talk to our kids
early push through your own discomfort
in your own anxiety and be the one who’s
setting the tone in our community in our
culture be a leader in this speak up it
doesn’t have to be perfect but just say
something this matters more than you think
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