I have a secret to share with you I have
a superpower and I’m gonna share it with
you today do you want to know what it is
I can walk through fire I was always
fascinated with superpowers when I was
growing up I used to watch Wonder Woman
on my 13-inch black-and-white TV do you
remember those dating myself last year I
got to take my daughters to see her on
the big screen it was awesome and when I
saw her walking across that barren
wasteland of a battlefield fighting off
enemy bullets and fires popping up all
around her and although she was armed
with was her shield and her courage and
her love I thought now I want to get me
some of that when I was growing up my
mother used to invite me to slide my
finger through the open flame of a
candle yeah I know most people hang
around the dining room table playing gin
rummy or Scrabble
my family we literally played with fire
now given my childhood to this point not
a shocker but it was still fire so I
only grazed the tip of the flame seeing
this my mother said it’s not where you
touch it that matters
it’s how long you hold your finger in
the fire well I like a challenge
so I lit a lot of candles to practice to
see just how slowly I could move my
finger through the flame the slower I
went the more powerful I felt they never
left my finger there to burn I wish I
had known then how this understanding
could have served me in my relationship
to emotional pain I was handed my first
hurts really early on the first time my
mother saw my father beat me I was eight
eight weeks old my mother began sharing
stories with me of my early abuse when I
was old enough to listen but not old
enough to understand back age of five or
six I’d already started thinking of
myself as the bad unlovable victim and
victims get stuck in pain when we get
hurt we want someone to tend to our
wound and to step up and protect us from
being harmed again when no one does this
for us we can get stuck in the pain and
we can attempt to protect ourselves by
being ready for the next one or smart
enough to avoid it or just plain hiding
behind a 15-ton concrete wall a wall of
what a wall of pain holding our pain
close we torment ourselves long after
they stop we continue turning our pain
into suffering how think about it when
we shove our pain inside what happens
it looks like sadness and despair fear
and anxiety what happens when we push it
out into the world it shows up as anger
and judgment hostility and rage we end
up hurting ourselves and others with the
pain handed to us just look at the news
we are inundated with stories of pain
creating more of the same mass and
domestic violence child abuse sexual
assault and debilitating mental
unwellness there are agencies tasked
with tracking and treating our pain who
tell us that between 2009 and 2016 over
half of mass shootings were committed by
perpetrators of domestic violence that
one in four women will be domestically a
victim of domestic violence in her
lifetime that every nine seconds a woman
is abused in the u.s. that means that
during my time on
this stage nearly 100 women will be
abused in the US let that sink in 100
women and that says nothing of the
children in their care and speaking of
the children one in four girls and one
in six boys will be sexually assaulted
as children there are 123 suicides per
day in the US and 90 people per day
are dying from opioid abuse pain and our
broken relationship to it are literally
killing us pain almost killed me to my
father’s rage was lethal especially when
he felt weak like when my mother laughed
at him you never laughed at him beating
then raping us made him feel stronger
yes us I was a toddler the first time he
violated my tiny body and I have the
scars to prove it knowing his violence
and even after she got safely away from
him she continued to send me to him
alone for more of the same over the
years distracted by her own dramas her
own pain my mother failed to act like
one there was a string of lonely broken
men she introduced me to and told me to
visit to console all by myself like the
elderly widower who asked do you like it
this way as he mounted my six year old
body and bought my silence with a book
and a butterscotch candy or the neighbor
who slid my hand through the zipper of
his work trousers to help him coax his
pet turtle from its shell I was in
second grade and then there was my
father unlike me my father was quite the
artist he sent me this hand
card from jail while doing time for
drug-related crimes he said it was me on
the phone I was 15
by this point pain consumed me
I was vacillating between terrifying
anger and paralyzing despair I raged I
wept in some crazy way I was doing what
so many of us with trauma do I was
telling myself that my pain mattered
enough to be remembered so I remembered
I was doing what no one else was doing
for me I was validating my trauma I was
pain and pain was me I wish I’d known
then that we’re not supposed to hold on
to our pain because when we do they get
to keep hurting us by holding us in the
fire and what does fire do it spreads
did mine spread would you be surprised
if I’d made a career out of hurting
other people landed in jail died young
probably not now trust me I fell on my
face plenty but what if I done all of
that now it’s still my life not theirs
that was their story not mine their pain
did that to me and that made me angry
and downright rebellious so I asked
myself how do I do better than they did
how do I heal and then like some sort of
divine intervention about a decade ago
my book club introduced me to the book
The Shack The Shack tells the story of a
man’s unimaginable tragedy turned into
his suffering much like my own and it
used the f-word in a way I never had
before oh no not that f-word I know all
the ways to use that one forgiveness
like a lot of you growing up forgiveness
had always been used against me my
parents demanded my forgiveness like an
overdue reunion they wanted me to get
over it and to say
come back when I tried my best to do
just that what do you think happens
that’s right they abused me again so I
stayed angry and hurt immersed in my
pain Fair pain this was no way to live
but forgiveness as far as I could see it
then was just a door to more hurt and
more fire the shack showed me that I was
wrong that I could be safe from them
while still forgiving them that I had
power super power power that comes from
choice because when we have choice we
have power and that power is available
to you too even if your life didn’t look
like mine perhaps your family member
verbally attacks you suppose your friend
steals from you what if your coworker
takes credit for all the hard work you
do and then gets promoted above you in
all three cases forgiveness can give you
what holding on to your pain has been
providing with far fewer side-effects
safely powerfully because forgiveness
isn’t just about letting go it’s about
holding on letting go of the pain and
holding on not to pain but to my
favourite B word nope not that one
boundaries when we forgive boundaries
gives us a choice telling us how close
they can get one if they are reasonably
safe and we think they won’t hurt us
again we can let go of the pain and let
them come close again people make
mistakes
some people change we can give second
chances or two if they are unpredictable
or predictably harmful we can still let
go of the pain and keep them at some
distance emotionally and physically if
they are downright toxic that distance
can mean full exile even if they are
family you see in either case
we don’t need to hold on to the pain we
we know we went through fire we survived
we don’t have to keep holding hate or
hurt just boundaries boundaries become
our fire shield allowing us to walk
through and pass the flames without
letting them consume us you may not have
had any control over what happened to
you but you are in charge of your
recovery you see forgiveness isn’t about
them it never has been it’s not about
doing it their way or making them feel
good
forgiveness simply means giving up the
fantasy of being able to rewrite your
unchangeable past but you get to decide
your present and design your future so
what did I do I cut my father clean out
of my world but only after speaking the
truth to him of his soul shaking abuse
of me forcing him to listen to my pain
as I had once felt his and my mother she
may have been a victim herself but she
was no innocent she failed to protect me
to stand up for me and she placed me in
danger over and over again and the other
perpetrators
I left them where they were buried in
the past finding them and holding them
accountable wasn’t a necessary part of
my healing in Robert Brault words life
becomes easier when we learn to accept
the apology
we never got now listen I won’t lie to
you this forgiveness thing was hard
standing in the fire was awful but it
was also so familiar it’s all I’ve ever
known
that’s why we stay but walking out
delivered my powerful no no to carrying
pain forward no to being prisoner to my
past no to the role of victim no to
letting those who were damaged and
dangerous close enough to leave their
pain with me forgiveness was not about
minimizing my pain or the damage they
caused
it was not about granting permission or
approval this new understanding of
forgiveness with boundaries simply meant
that I could be right about just how
wrong they were and still be happy and
free so how do we all make the most out
of this short sweet big beautiful life
by using our super power forgiveness
radical repetitive forgiveness because
here’s the deal
pain like fire is inevitable it’s going
to come and sometimes come back you know
when you find yourself in a situation or
a relationship and you just know you’ve
been there before it’s like deja vu but
of the nightmare variety
I suggest at those moments you go back
and forgive something or someone so you
can stop recycling that pain people come
into our lives to test our commitment to
a life of letting things come and go
just like the tide pain exists in the
holding on people have often asked me
how did you survive that my response
my rage saved me and my forgiveness
redeemed me part of that Redemption was
sharing publicly my story of rising up
through trauma to help others when life
levels us it creates little landslides
taking away our footing and offering up
a new landscape on which to begin again
in these transformations a wise voice
calls out from across the darkness
picketing us to allow pain to teach not
destroy us
that voice told me you are more than the
pain you endure and the pleasure you
offer you are a survivor a thriver
and inspirer you will not be crushed by
this this will define you only as much
as you let it you are powerful more
powerful than anyone
who has ever or will ever hurt you you
bear the scars but you will not be the
wound you choose love over hate you use
your pain to fuel your hunger to know
love to feel peace and to share it with
others in time you will find people you
can trust to heal you piece by piece
piece by piece you will be whole again I
am whole again thank you [Applause]
a superpower and I’m gonna share it with
you today do you want to know what it is
I can walk through fire I was always
fascinated with superpowers when I was
growing up I used to watch Wonder Woman
on my 13-inch black-and-white TV do you
remember those dating myself last year I
got to take my daughters to see her on
the big screen it was awesome and when I
saw her walking across that barren
wasteland of a battlefield fighting off
enemy bullets and fires popping up all
around her and although she was armed
with was her shield and her courage and
her love I thought now I want to get me
some of that when I was growing up my
mother used to invite me to slide my
finger through the open flame of a
candle yeah I know most people hang
around the dining room table playing gin
rummy or Scrabble
my family we literally played with fire
now given my childhood to this point not
a shocker but it was still fire so I
only grazed the tip of the flame seeing
this my mother said it’s not where you
touch it that matters
it’s how long you hold your finger in
the fire well I like a challenge
so I lit a lot of candles to practice to
see just how slowly I could move my
finger through the flame the slower I
went the more powerful I felt they never
left my finger there to burn I wish I
had known then how this understanding
could have served me in my relationship
to emotional pain I was handed my first
hurts really early on the first time my
mother saw my father beat me I was eight
eight weeks old my mother began sharing
stories with me of my early abuse when I
was old enough to listen but not old
enough to understand back age of five or
six I’d already started thinking of
myself as the bad unlovable victim and
victims get stuck in pain when we get
hurt we want someone to tend to our
wound and to step up and protect us from
being harmed again when no one does this
for us we can get stuck in the pain and
we can attempt to protect ourselves by
being ready for the next one or smart
enough to avoid it or just plain hiding
behind a 15-ton concrete wall a wall of
what a wall of pain holding our pain
close we torment ourselves long after
they stop we continue turning our pain
into suffering how think about it when
we shove our pain inside what happens
it looks like sadness and despair fear
and anxiety what happens when we push it
out into the world it shows up as anger
and judgment hostility and rage we end
up hurting ourselves and others with the
pain handed to us just look at the news
we are inundated with stories of pain
creating more of the same mass and
domestic violence child abuse sexual
assault and debilitating mental
unwellness there are agencies tasked
with tracking and treating our pain who
tell us that between 2009 and 2016 over
half of mass shootings were committed by
perpetrators of domestic violence that
one in four women will be domestically a
victim of domestic violence in her
lifetime that every nine seconds a woman
is abused in the u.s. that means that
during my time on
this stage nearly 100 women will be
abused in the US let that sink in 100
women and that says nothing of the
children in their care and speaking of
the children one in four girls and one
in six boys will be sexually assaulted
as children there are 123 suicides per
day in the US and 90 people per day
are dying from opioid abuse pain and our
broken relationship to it are literally
killing us pain almost killed me to my
father’s rage was lethal especially when
he felt weak like when my mother laughed
at him you never laughed at him beating
then raping us made him feel stronger
yes us I was a toddler the first time he
violated my tiny body and I have the
scars to prove it knowing his violence
and even after she got safely away from
him she continued to send me to him
alone for more of the same over the
years distracted by her own dramas her
own pain my mother failed to act like
one there was a string of lonely broken
men she introduced me to and told me to
visit to console all by myself like the
elderly widower who asked do you like it
this way as he mounted my six year old
body and bought my silence with a book
and a butterscotch candy or the neighbor
who slid my hand through the zipper of
his work trousers to help him coax his
pet turtle from its shell I was in
second grade and then there was my
father unlike me my father was quite the
artist he sent me this hand
card from jail while doing time for
drug-related crimes he said it was me on
the phone I was 15
by this point pain consumed me
I was vacillating between terrifying
anger and paralyzing despair I raged I
wept in some crazy way I was doing what
so many of us with trauma do I was
telling myself that my pain mattered
enough to be remembered so I remembered
I was doing what no one else was doing
for me I was validating my trauma I was
pain and pain was me I wish I’d known
then that we’re not supposed to hold on
to our pain because when we do they get
to keep hurting us by holding us in the
fire and what does fire do it spreads
did mine spread would you be surprised
if I’d made a career out of hurting
other people landed in jail died young
probably not now trust me I fell on my
face plenty but what if I done all of
that now it’s still my life not theirs
that was their story not mine their pain
did that to me and that made me angry
and downright rebellious so I asked
myself how do I do better than they did
how do I heal and then like some sort of
divine intervention about a decade ago
my book club introduced me to the book
The Shack The Shack tells the story of a
man’s unimaginable tragedy turned into
his suffering much like my own and it
used the f-word in a way I never had
before oh no not that f-word I know all
the ways to use that one forgiveness
like a lot of you growing up forgiveness
had always been used against me my
parents demanded my forgiveness like an
overdue reunion they wanted me to get
over it and to say
come back when I tried my best to do
just that what do you think happens
that’s right they abused me again so I
stayed angry and hurt immersed in my
pain Fair pain this was no way to live
but forgiveness as far as I could see it
then was just a door to more hurt and
more fire the shack showed me that I was
wrong that I could be safe from them
while still forgiving them that I had
power super power power that comes from
choice because when we have choice we
have power and that power is available
to you too even if your life didn’t look
like mine perhaps your family member
verbally attacks you suppose your friend
steals from you what if your coworker
takes credit for all the hard work you
do and then gets promoted above you in
all three cases forgiveness can give you
what holding on to your pain has been
providing with far fewer side-effects
safely powerfully because forgiveness
isn’t just about letting go it’s about
holding on letting go of the pain and
holding on not to pain but to my
favourite B word nope not that one
boundaries when we forgive boundaries
gives us a choice telling us how close
they can get one if they are reasonably
safe and we think they won’t hurt us
again we can let go of the pain and let
them come close again people make
mistakes
some people change we can give second
chances or two if they are unpredictable
or predictably harmful we can still let
go of the pain and keep them at some
distance emotionally and physically if
they are downright toxic that distance
can mean full exile even if they are
family you see in either case
we don’t need to hold on to the pain we
we know we went through fire we survived
we don’t have to keep holding hate or
hurt just boundaries boundaries become
our fire shield allowing us to walk
through and pass the flames without
letting them consume us you may not have
had any control over what happened to
you but you are in charge of your
recovery you see forgiveness isn’t about
them it never has been it’s not about
doing it their way or making them feel
good
forgiveness simply means giving up the
fantasy of being able to rewrite your
unchangeable past but you get to decide
your present and design your future so
what did I do I cut my father clean out
of my world but only after speaking the
truth to him of his soul shaking abuse
of me forcing him to listen to my pain
as I had once felt his and my mother she
may have been a victim herself but she
was no innocent she failed to protect me
to stand up for me and she placed me in
danger over and over again and the other
perpetrators
I left them where they were buried in
the past finding them and holding them
accountable wasn’t a necessary part of
my healing in Robert Brault words life
becomes easier when we learn to accept
the apology
we never got now listen I won’t lie to
you this forgiveness thing was hard
standing in the fire was awful but it
was also so familiar it’s all I’ve ever
known
that’s why we stay but walking out
delivered my powerful no no to carrying
pain forward no to being prisoner to my
past no to the role of victim no to
letting those who were damaged and
dangerous close enough to leave their
pain with me forgiveness was not about
minimizing my pain or the damage they
caused
it was not about granting permission or
approval this new understanding of
forgiveness with boundaries simply meant
that I could be right about just how
wrong they were and still be happy and
free so how do we all make the most out
of this short sweet big beautiful life
by using our super power forgiveness
radical repetitive forgiveness because
here’s the deal
pain like fire is inevitable it’s going
to come and sometimes come back you know
when you find yourself in a situation or
a relationship and you just know you’ve
been there before it’s like deja vu but
of the nightmare variety
I suggest at those moments you go back
and forgive something or someone so you
can stop recycling that pain people come
into our lives to test our commitment to
a life of letting things come and go
just like the tide pain exists in the
holding on people have often asked me
how did you survive that my response
my rage saved me and my forgiveness
redeemed me part of that Redemption was
sharing publicly my story of rising up
through trauma to help others when life
levels us it creates little landslides
taking away our footing and offering up
a new landscape on which to begin again
in these transformations a wise voice
calls out from across the darkness
picketing us to allow pain to teach not
destroy us
that voice told me you are more than the
pain you endure and the pleasure you
offer you are a survivor a thriver
and inspirer you will not be crushed by
this this will define you only as much
as you let it you are powerful more
powerful than anyone
who has ever or will ever hurt you you
bear the scars but you will not be the
wound you choose love over hate you use
your pain to fuel your hunger to know
love to feel peace and to share it with
others in time you will find people you
can trust to heal you piece by piece
piece by piece you will be whole again I
am whole again thank you [Applause]
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