we bought into this this complete
falsehood that at some point you’re
gonna have the courage at some point
you’re gonna have the confidence and
it’s total bull frankly I don’t I rely
to swear an absolute okay it’s it’s
complete garbage and so there are so
many people in the world and and and you
know you may be watching this right now
and you have these incredible ideas and
what you think is missing is motivation
and that’s not true
because the way that our minds are wired
and the fact about human beings is that
we are not designed to do things that
are uncomfortable or scary or difficult
our brains are designed to protect us
from those things because our brains are
trying to keep us alive and in order to
change in order to build a business in
order to be the best parent the best
spouse to do all those things that you
know you want to do with your life with
your work with your dreams you’re gonna
have to do things that are difficult
uncertain or scary which sets up this
problem for all of us you’re never gonna
feel like it motivations garbage you you
only feel motivated to do the things
that are easy right what do you think
that is oh I know exactly why that is
because I I’ve studied this so much
because for me one of the hardest things
to figure out was why is it so hard to
do the little things that would improve
my life and what I’ve come to realize
and what we’ll talk a lot about today is
that the way that our minds are designed
is our minds are designed to stop you at
all costs from doing anything that might
hurt you and the way that that that that
this all happens is it all starts with
something super subtle that none of us
ever catch and that is with this habit
that all of us have that nobody’s
talking about we all have a habit of
hesitating
we have an idea you’re sitting in a
meeting you have this incredible idea
and instead of just you know saying it
you stop and you hesitate now what none
of us realize is that when you hesitate
just that moment that micro moment that
small hesitation it sends a stress
signal to your brain it wakes your brain
up and your brain all of a sudden goes
oh wait a minute wait why is he
hesitating he didn’t hesitate when he
put on his killer spiky sneakers he
didn’t hesitate with the really cool
track pants he didn’t hesitate with the
NASA t-shirt now he’s hesitating to talk
something must be up so then your brain
goes to work to protect you it has a
million different ways to protect you
one of them is called the spotlight
effect it’s a known phenomenon where
your brain magnifies risk Y to pull you
away from something that it perceives to
be a problem and so you can truly trace
every single problem or complaint in
your life to silence and hesitation
those are decisions and what I do and
what’s changed my life is waking up and
realizing that motivations garbage I’m
never gonna feel like doing the things
that are tough for difficult or
uncertain or scary or no so I need to
stop waiting until I feel like it and
number two I am one decision away from a
totally different marriage a totally
different life a totally different job a
totally different income a totally
different relationship with my kids
not like one decision I’m divorcing you
in in the marriage example but one
decision on you know you could be having
a conversation with your spouse and you
feel your emotions rise up and within a
tiny window those emotions can take over
and can impact how your marriage goes or
you can learn how to take control of
that micro moment and make a decision to
act in a way that actually shifts your
marriage your life comes down to your
decisions and if you change your
decisions you will change everything
three single morning Monday through
Fridays at 9:00 a.m. I host a live
call-in radio show on Sirius satellite
radio it’s called make it happen with
Mel Robbins and the thing that’s been so
crazy about that show is every single
person that calls me on that show they
call in because they’re feeling stuck in
their lives and they’re resigned about
their ability to change their lives and
I’m not talking about people that are
nuts I’m talking about successful people
like you and me that just somehow got
stuck in their lives and I’m not talking
about people that are looking for cheesy
self-help I’m talking about people that
really want to figure out how to move
themselves forward and you know I find
that so many of us think that our dreams
are unreachable or unrealistic and it’s
just so sad I mean people think that
their dreams disappear and if that’s
what you think
congratulations you’re officially stuck
and the truth is that our dreams are
always there and they don’t ever give up
on us we give up on them but here’s the
secret if you just force yourself and I
mean force because I know damn well none
of you want to do anything about this
and I also know you’re sitting there
like yeah the self-help crap this isn’t
for me but if you just force yourself to
take a couple small steps there’s always
a surprise it was 22 right after I
graduated from Dartmouth I was so
focused on making everyone happy that I
almost chose the worst possible career
for my personality it’s not a bad career
it just would have been horrendous for
me I was interested in the environment
so I decided oh you know I’ll go get a
law degree and then I’ll go work in
Washington and I think maybe I’ll work
on environmental policy and I’d probably
end up in some cube farm and everyone
was thrilled with the plan everyone it
turns out but me so here I am I’m
driving a u-haul across country to go to
law school and to get a degree in
environmental law and something started
to gnaw at me
and with every single mile that I drove
my thoughts were getting louder and
doubts were starting to pour in my gut
was telling me Mel turn the damn u-haul
around but the problem was that
everything was already in place right I
mean I’m already in the u-haul the thing
is already packed I’m already 10 miles
into my drive the tuition had been paid
for the first semester I had signed a
lease I mean I could not undo these
things
isn’t that why it’s so difficult for you
to make changes in your life because you
think that things can’t be undone the
fact is any excuse that you come up with
you can undo tuition can be reimbursed
apartments can be leased Plan B can be
invented so I got up I repack that
u-haul and I drove out of town
I let myself make a u-turn in life if
you ever find your gut battling your
head save yourself the drama I guarantee
you your gut is right guarantee you your
excuses can be undone and I guarantee
you you can make a u-turn in your life
right now if you want to can be asking
for assignments that are above your
level so there’s work that you do at
your level and then there’s work that
you do above your level and the only way
that you’re going to be promoted to do
work above your level is a if you can
demonstrate that you’re capable of doing
the work at your level and B if you are
proactive in seeking out opportunities
that expand your capability and give you
a give you a chance to work above the
level that you’re at nothing’s going to
happen unless you take that initial
action nothing’s going to happen
nothing’s going to change unless you put
down that pen in the meeting and you sit
up and you pay attention and you listen
for your opportunity to speak nothing’s
gonna happen unless you push yourself to
go in and make the ask for that
assignment that’s scares you to death
Starbucks in 2008 very interesting thing
happened and many of you if you are in
the financial services market then
probably know this
their net income decreased by about 28%
that year and at the time they had
16,000 stores in 44 countries and they
had gone through this massive explosive
growth segment in terms of going from
going public in I think it was like 1992
they only had 125 stores and now here we
are 2008 they’ve got 16,000 so what ends
up happening is Howard Schultz who is
the chairman of the board comes back in
as the CEO very complex situation right
you’ve got operations in 44 countries
you’ve got massive reduction in terms of
the profits that you have you’ve got the
stock market and Wall Street screaming
at you you’ve got customers that are
going to Dunkin Donuts because there’s a
recession that’s hitting so what do you
do well he was very clear again back to
the two rules why do I stand for like
what is it what is what am i doing and
what do I want the outcome to be so he
was very clear that what he stood for as
a leader and what Starbucks should stand
for is the Starbucks experience he
wanted to go back to the beginning and
reintroduce people to the romance of
having a cup of coffee because you know
that’s how Starbucks launched in the
beginning that he was traveling and was
over in Italy and was like God why don’t
we in places like these great stops to
have a little cup of coffee over in the
United States
boom Starbucks an idea it’s born it’s
launched so he decides he’s gonna do
whatever he can to get the romance of
having a cup of coffee back in life in
any situation whether you’re talking
about growing your company growing your
bank account getting in a relationship
getting out of a relationship getting
something done at the school system that
your kids are going to on behalf of your
kids whatever it is that you’re up to in
life this is the only question that you
need to ask yourself well what is it
that I want because the truth of the
matter is if you can answer that you can
have it but when someone can’t realize
or identify their own negative feelings
someone that has been conditioned to
with and negative
feelings and believes that that’s normal
this question comes from basavanna de
Nagada
it is your normal you’re right it’s a
really first of all I’m sorry that
that’s been your experience of life
because that really stinks and it
doesn’t have to be that way but here
here’s where I want you to go what’s
interesting about what you said is the
fact that these feelings are normal okay
normal just means you’re used to them
but you don’t have to live with them so
even though you’re so used to these
negative feelings and these feelings of
doubt you still don’t like them you
still have the ability to stop that so I
want you to think of a moment in time
when you were really happy like it could
be a memory from being little it could
be something that you dream of doing and
I want you to come up with something
really specific about that moment okay
like think about what you’re wearing or
think about the the blue sky that is
gonna be what I call your anchor thought
every time from this moment forward that
you wake up or you find yourself
drifting to those normal feelings of I’m
a loser I’m worthless I’m never gonna
find love they may be things that you’re
used to thinking but that doesn’t that
doesn’t matter
because you can change them the second
that you feel that you’ve drifted over
into that thought and I keep coming over
here because when you start using the
rule you’re gonna start to literally
feel which part of your mind you’re
using the worries kind of happened here
I want you to five four three two one
and then I want you to insert this
vision of yourself this vision of
yourself where you felt really good and
if you can’t think of one invent one how
would you feel if you were in love how
would you feel if you loved yourself how
would you feel if you did that thing
that you’re scared of that you keep
talking yourself out of that’s your
anchor thought now when you first start
using the rule particularly when you’re
breaking a habit a habit of thinking
negative thoughts when you first start
doing it you may need to use the five
second rule 73
times in one day that’s okay I had to do
it like that when I was first using the
rule to cure myself and anxiety when I
would start to worry about anything I’d
start to worry about you know my kids or
I’d start to worry about money and I
feel my thoughts drift and then I’d
start to feel my heart race
I would stabilize my thoughts by four
three two one I’ve activated my
prefrontal cortex lower the the worries
you know on the other side and then I
would start to think about something
that actually made me feel really calm
or excited that is the battle of your
mind and you know the other thing about
normal that I just want to say is that
the reason why it feels normal to doubt
yourself and to have low self-worth is
because you’ve thought that’s so long
it’s become a pattern just like chewing
your nails becomes a pattern of behavior
that you don’t think about well the cool
thing is is that based on science you
can actually change any pattern even a
thinking one so use the five-second rule
every single time you catch yourself
thinking the nasty stuff and then
activate your prefrontal cortex and
force yourself to think something
positive one night Chris have gone to
bed I had been struggling struggling
struggling we still had all the same
problems I we stalled a lien on the
house still facing bankruptcy still
fighting like crazy I was still
unemployed
he still they still haven’t figured out
like the solution yet for the business
and I was about to turn off the TV and
there on the TV there was this rocket
launching and I thought oh my gosh I am
gonna launch myself out of bed like a
rocket ship like NASA right here had
launched me out of that bed and I’m
gonna move so fast that I don’t think
mmm I’m gonna beat my brain now here’s a
really interesting point I talked a lot
about your instincts and inner wisdom
and we can get into this a little bit
later but a lot of us talk about the
fact that you have a gut feeling but
what all this research that I’ve done
for the book and all the speaking that I
do what I’ve discovered that’s
fascinating is actually when you set
goals when you have an intention on
something that you want to change about
your life your brain helps you what it
does is it opens up a checklist and then
your brain goes to work trying to remind
you yeah of that intention that you said
and it’s really important to develop the
skill and I say that word purposefully
the skill of knowing how to hear that
inner wisdom and that intention kicking
in and leaning into it quickly so for me
my brain saying that’s it right there
move as fast as a rocket Mel I wanted to
change my life and I think most people
that are miserable or that are that are
really like dying to be great and dying
to have more we want to change we want
to live a better life we want to create
more for our families we want to be
happier the the desire is there again
it’s about how do you go from knowledge
to actions so the first thing in the
story that’s important is realizing that
the answer was in me and my mind was
telling me pay attention I could have
also been the Bourbon anyway the next
morning the alarm goes off and I
pretended NASA was there
it’s a stupidest story I literally went
five four three two one I counted out
loud and then I stood up and I never
forget standing there in my bedroom it
was dark it was cold it was winter in
Boston and for the first time in three
months I had beaten my habit of hitting
the snooze button I couldn’t believe it
and I thought wait a minute
counting backwards said is the dumbest
thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life
well the next morning I used it again
and it worked the next morning I used it
again and it worked the next morning I
used it again and it worked and then I
started to notice something really
interesting there were moments all day
long all day long just like that
five-second moment in bed
where I new knowledge what I should do
and if I didn’t move within five seconds
my brain would step in and talk me out
of it every human being has a
five-second window might even be shorter
for you you have about a five-second
window in which you can move from idea
to action before your brain kicks into
full gear and sabotages any change in
behavior because remember your brain is
wired to stop you from doing things that
are uncomfortable or uncertain or scary
it’s your job to learn how to move from
those ideas that could change everything
into acting on them if it were easy to
get what you wanted in life Google would
have already figured out an app you
would just type in okay I’m a student
and I want to go from being a student to
being successful and Google would tell
you go to college then you get your
masters then you land this killer job
and then you put in a bunch of face time
while you’re checking Facebook then you
get promoted to manager and then you
realize managing people kind of stinks
and then you keep climbing the corporate
ladder and then you start to wonder well
how did I end up here and then you want
ways this is what success looks like
you’re like no I’m gonna go to Jay
so keep this in mind if there’s
something that you want like seven
people or a trip to Africa or you’re
going to make it to Mexico in the pink
shirt I’m looking at you again sir I’m
watching you and rooting for you keep in
mind this here you are this is what you
want I spend a lot of time on lacrosse
fields although they don’t really look
like this you tend to think that what
you want you just march right towards it
but if in sports you march right towards
the goal what happens the defenders come
in and what the defenders are is it’s
your brain saying ain’t gonna happen
so the second you start moving toward
that thing you want be ready
you’re gonna tell yourself you don’t
feel like it you’re gonna have to force
yourself it’s happening there’s no way
to get around it so what you’re gonna
have to do is you’re gonna basically get
bounced around a lot
all over the place and there gonna be a
lot of times that you feel like this was
a really dumb idea to start this
business because it’s gonna get hard and
I want to remind you about something
unlike a sports field where there’s an
in and out of bounds the great thing
about life is there actually aren’t any
and it’s usually in those moments where
you feel like you can’t do it that
you’re closer than ever
to having everything that you wanted and
I wanted to show you this so that you
keep it in mind because I think a lot of
times when you look back it’s the
darkest moments where you realize holy
cow that’s what projected me forward you
live in the most amazing moment in time
so that thing that you have up here
whatever it may be you want to use
healthy eating to cure your diabetes you
want to figure out how to take care of
the elders and start a new hospice
center you want to move to Africa and
build a school guess what you can walk
into a bookstore right now and buy at
least ten books written by credentialed
experts on how the hell you doing you
could google it and you could probably
find at least I don’t know a thousand
blogs documenting the step by step by
step transformation that somebody else
is already doing you can find anybody
online and cyberstalk them you can just
walk in their footsteps and let that you
know just use the science of drafting
follow what everyone else has done cuz
somebody else is already doing it
so why don’t you have what you want when
you have all the information that you
need you have the contacts that you need
there are probably free tools online
that allow you to start a business or
join a group or do whatever the heck you
shut the front door you know what I’m
talking about the f-bomb it’s everywhere
you hear it all the time and I honestly
don’t understand what the appeal is of
the word I mean you don’t sound smart
when you say it and it’s really not
expressing how you really feel it’s sort
of a cheap you know shot to take and of
course you know I’m talking about the
word fine how you doing I’m fine
oh really you are dragging around those
extra 40 pounds you’re fine
feeling like roommates with your spouse
and you’re fine you haven’t had sex in
four months you’re fine really I don’t
think so but see here’s the deal with
saying that you’re fine it’s actually
genius because if you’re fine you don’t
have to do anything about it but when
you think about this word fine it just
makes me so angry I mean here we are at
a conference about being alive and
you’re gonna describe the experience of
being alive as fine a flimsy and feeble
word your crappy say your crappy if
you’re amazing say you’re amazing tell
the truth and this not only goes for the
social construct oh I don’t want to
burden you with the fact that I hate my
life or you know hey I’m amazing but
that would make you feel terrible the
bigger issue the bigger issue with fine
is that you say it to yourself
that thing that you want I guarantee you
you’ve convinced yourself that you’re
fine not having it that’s why you’re not
pushing yourself
it’s the areas in your life where you’ve
given up where you’ve said oh I’m fine
my mom’s never gonna change so I just
can’t have that conversation I’m fine
you know we got to wait until the kids
graduate before we get divorced so we’ll
just sleep in separate bedrooms I’m fine
I lost my job I can barely pay my bills
but whatever it’s hard to get a job and
you know one of the reasons why this
word also just annoys me so much is
scientists have calculated oh yeah I’m
coming down scientists have calculated
the odds of you being born that’s right
they’ve crunched the numbers I see you
up there
they have crunched the numbers on you
yeah no you guys standing up you want to
sit down for this they’ve crunched the
numbers on you being born and they took
into account all of the wars and the
natural disasters and the dinosaurs and
everything else and do you realize that
the odds the odds of you Yeah right here
put your computer way stand up for me
son so the odds of Doug here turn around
say hi to everybody the odds yeah of
Doug Doug being born at the moment in
time he was born to the parents you were
born to with the DNA structure that you
have a hundred I know one and four
hundred trillion isn’t it amazing
so lucky yes you’re not fine you’re
fantastic
you have life-changing ideas for a
reason and it’s not to torture yourself
thank you thank you Doug
you know Christine was right when she
said all of you could be on stage
because all of you we’re all in this
category one and four hundred trillion
all day long you have ideas that could
change your life that could change the
world that could change the way that you
feel now what do you do with them
nothing
oh hopefully it won’t moon you you
didn’t pay for that I’ve that’s this
puppy right here this is what you want
this is your prefrontal cortex Drive is
the mode where you’re in charge of your
thoughts okay it’s where you are fully
awake you are present and you are
driving your thoughts and actions when
you’re doing that your prefrontal cortex
is active the prefrontal cortex is the
part of the brain that you need in order
to learn new behavior in order to do
something difficult in order to do
something uncertain in order to do
strategic thinking so I’m gonna give you
an example so I’m a righty if I were to
try to write with my left hand like you
Lois is gonna torture me and tie my hand
behind my back and make me like do this
I could do it it would look like I was
writing with my foot and if Lewis came
up to me and said hey Mel you want some
bulletproof coffee I’d be like Lois I’m
doing I’m trying to concentrate I can’t
do this my prefrontal cortex would be el
fuego because it is firing on all
cylinders to communicate to my hand new
behavior so the thing that’s cool about
that is that you can use a simple trick
the moment you feel yourself hesitate
the moment you’ve got one of those
moments where you know that you need to
this is that moment that Luis talks to
you about where you got to step outside
of your comfort zone and you’ve got to
lean into your passion and you’ve got to
really take some risks and you got to
feel the fear and you got to do it
anyway that’s the moment where you just
woke up and now you got a decision to
make are you gonna drift back into the
habits or are you going to awaken your
prefrontal cortex and drive forward and
focus and do something new up 30 minutes
earlier than you normally do and push
yourself to work on the most important
priorities first this isn’t just me
research shows that you
most productive hours are the first two
to three hours after you wake up and get
ready this means that for peak
productivity you’ve got to do whatever
you can do to make sure the most
important work to you gets done first
during that window of time the two
things that are the most important
things that you can focus on that are
priorities for you that will advance
your long-term goals so just pick two
priorities a day whenever you have some
spare time or you’ve got some wiggle
room in your schedule that’s when you
force yourself to sit down and work on
those two priorities for the day because
here’s the truth about it to-do list
eventually that crap will get done and
typically what we do all day long is
we’re usually putting out fires we’re
responding to emails we’re sitting in
meetings that other people have called
and our days get filled doing things for
other people so what I want you to do is
I want you to start thinking about every
single day what are two things that are
priorities for you and then find time
whenever you can even if it’s just 10
minutes to sit down and work on them if
you’re living in the past you’re going
to be depressed because you are
rehashing things that happen to you that
are not going to happen again if you’re
living in the future you’re gonna be
anxious because you are anticipating
what’s coming or you’re wishing for
things that aren’t happening yet being
in the present is where the gold is
being in the present moment is where you
will have the greatest control where you
will feel the most at ease and where
happiness flourishes there’s a
super-tight connection between happiness
and the ability to live in the present
moment a lot of people believe that
happiness is tied to the things that
happen to you not so at all in fact
there is a professor of positive
psychology he’s one of the grandfather’s
of the movement he teaches at the
University of Pennsylvania his name is
Martin settlement and he studied
happiness for decades
one of the things that we’ve talked
about a lot is that 40% of your
happiness levels are preset by genetics
60% you are in complete control of and
one of the things that this professor
has has discovered is that it doesn’t
matter what’s happened to you in fact
some of the people that have had the
worst things the worst things happen to
them like people that have survived the
Holocaust are actually the happiest and
most grateful people in the world
happiness comes down to this right up
here comes down to your thoughts comes
down to your mindset it comes down to
your attitude and you are 100% control
of what you’re thinking you may not be
in control of how you feel in the moment
but you can always always always always
be in control of what you think and that
will change how you’re feeling one of
the most powerful things that you can do
in terms of think and this gets back to
stricken is how do you be present being
present is literally nothing more than
the skill of having your thoughts be in
this moment not in the past not in the
future but right here the way that you
teach yourself how to do that is that
the moment that you catch yourself being
distracted the moment you catch yourself
starting to worry the moment you catch
yourself drifting to the future drifting
to the past that’s a moment of
tremendous power because you basically
just woke up
you basically just notice that you’re
not here in this particular moment so
use that wake-up call 5 4 3 2 1 and
ground yourself in this moment the best
way to ground yourself in the moment is
to look for something in this particular
moment that you can savor now I’m using
the word savor on purpose because it’s
the word that psychologists use to
describe what happens when you find
something in this moment right now right
here right now to focus on and to
appreciate
could be literally the questions these
are these are printed out questions from
people on social media and if I were to
stop and look at these and savor them
what I would feel in this moment is a
tremendous amount of gratitude because
people are taking the time to write and
that makes me feel incredibly grateful
and it also makes me very happy because
it means that that the folks that are
writing are taking control of their
lives and seeking out the information
that they need another form of savoring
that we can all relate to is eating as
you’re eating instead of drifting to the
future and thinking about all the things
that you need to do or hanging out in
the past and rehashing everything that’s
happened during the day be in this
moment in this meal slow down think
about the food that you’re eating think
about the people that you’re sitting
with and how you feel about them and if
you want to take it up a notch actually
acknowledge okay this food tastes
amazing thank you for cooking or I’m so
glad to see you and that we get the time
to have this meal together those small
simple acts of savoring are how you
expand your happiness inside the present
moment so how do you be more present
simple the moment that you catch
yourself in the future in the past
worrying whatever refocus yourself right
here right now and then find something
right here right now that you can savor
and when you do that you’re not only
gonna be present you’re gonna feel more
grateful and you’re gonna feel a little
boost to happiness wants you to start
seeing something bigger I know you’re
all successful I’m talking about
something really big for your life and
in order to do that you have to answer
this question what do you really won now
I’m not talking about something small
I’m not talking about a little haiku I’m
not talking about renovating your
kitchen I’m not talking about signing on
10 new customers this month I’m talking
about what you really want you know
three years ago I was a lawyer and a
business coach working with private
clients and big corporations all over
the country and I came to a seminar just
like this one a big leadership seminar
and I went there with my husband we’re
both business owners and I went because
I wanted to be more successful and I
went because I wanted to make even more
money than I already did and I was
sitting exactly where you are in fact I
was sitting about you know 15 rows back
right where that woman with the hand on
everything like yet you know she’s like
hi it was sitting and I was taking notes
and I’m like okay I’m here to make more
money and then all of a sudden she
walked on stage that is Martha Beck she
writes a column for Oprah Winfrey she
travels around the country speaking
she’s a best-selling author and when she
walked on stage I literally stopped
listening please keep listening to me
right now
and it hits me I said I want to be doing
that I’m ready for a bigger state like
that’s it
and what’s so interesting about when you
answer that question is that you don’t
answer it up here you answer it here
that’s how you see something bigger for
yourself you know you guys are really
cute because everybody is like I don’t
see it what do you I don’t see anything
for myself right I and now I’m just
confused I thought I knew what I wanted
you know and now Mela I’m not really
sure and right now the economy is so bad
I mean it’s so bad that even if you’re
successful I know sometimes I feel
embarrassed talking about my success
around some of my friends because I know
that they’re really struggling and I get
calls every day into the radio show
people saying oh I’ve got this great
idea but I just don’t know if it’s the
right time and you know I say to them I
say yeah you know you’re right the
recession it’s it’s huge you should wait
those dreams yeah put them on hold
that’s right yeah you you should you
should stay in the job you can’t stand
just a little bit long being a college
bills to pay I mean you know what you’re
doing it’s fine you’re busy right that
guy you’re dating he’s good enough for
you but for the people in this room
baloney you know that’s right you know
exactly what you want and the only thing
that you need to do is to admit now this
may sound weird because I know most of
you came in here because you’re like I
know what I want I’m here at success so
try to figure it out I’m talking about
something bigger
I’ll admit to you what it is that I’m up
to and the truth is it’s embarrassing
because when you lock on to something
way bigger than where you’re at it is
downright embarrassing to tell people
because you’re not there yet but I mean
at this rate I’ve already admitted to
you that I stalked Martha Beck and that
I brought a haiku to the best you know
lit agent in the country so I got
nothing to lose at this point so this is
well not him I’m married I want what
he’s got I want six hundred radio
stations I want two million listeners
and I could certainly deal with the four
hundred million dollar salary in fact if
I got it I’d renovate everybody’s
kitchen and you know the thing is though
that’s so interesting about this is that
I didn’t pick him I mean I I’m not
looking to become a cigar smoking
conservative political guy that like
stirs the pot makes everybody all bad
I’m the liberal lifestyle gal that’s
trying to help people out but what I
want to do is I want to use radio to
entertain people and help them achieve
their dreams and when I really think
about it he’s the one that’s in the
front I want to not only reach what he’s
doing I want to surpass him I mean do
you think I like it when my friends come
over in my office in Boston at my house
and they’re like why does that guy doing
on your board no it’s embarrassing when
you admit the big thing that you’re up
to it’s embarrassing I have 40 stations
he’s got 600 there’s a big gap so
admitting where you want to get to is
embarrassing but you got to do it there
are three red flags we should look for
that will actually tell us it’s time to
change big ones
whenever you start feeling in your life
like oh my gosh is this all there is
huge red flag number one number two when
you spend your energy being jealous or
having the grasses greener over there
another big wake-up call for you that
you’re ready for a change and then the
other final red flag is if you’re
spending your life waiting to be happy
I’ll be happy when I’ll be happy when I
get married I’ll be happy when I change
my job I’ll be happy when I watch a
business it’s time to change now because
that moments not coming unless you make
it come but how do I know that I’m maybe
just not living in a fantasy land that
I’m never gonna no matter where I am the
grass is always green a concept that
I’ll always say this could be better and
I might be making change for change sake
but it might not be really what I need
Ohlone if you’re still
saying that to yourself over and over
and over again and you’re complaining
it’s what you’re really good at is
ignoring your gut and so it’s time to
start tuning in to your gut and making
some changes okay so people see these
signs why don’t they make changes then I
mean what you just described is very
depressing and tell you about it I can
tell you the reason why they don’t make
changes is because what happens is you
say okay I want to do X and then
immediately what you see next are all
the obstacles and so you’re actually
smart you’re not necessarily afraid
you’re smart because you think how the
hell am I gonna go from being a lawyer
to a carpenter when I have a mortgage to
pay I’ve got to ition bills to go my
wife is gonna kill me if I make this
kind of change and so you get stuck
because you see obstacles and then you
never do anything those are very real
obstacles okay so how do I kind of get
past those obstacles very easy let’s say
I recognize the warning signals yeah
okay time for change danger Will
Robinson yeah this is not the right path
but it does seem Herculean there has to
go don’t put your job that’s number one
second thing is I think most change in
life is not about putting on a big cape
and jumping off a cliff or out of an
airplane it’s more like leaning into
something so if you find yourself
daydreaming about something or wishing
that you could change your life start
investigating start having conversations
about it starts leading into change
right it took money off the table if you
didn’t give what anybody else thought
what’s the thing you would love to be
doing with your life seriously do you
dream of being a professional
photographer do you want to open your
own restaurant you always thought about
traveling the world and entertaining
kids with your juggling skills I don’t
know it’s your life you get to choose
what you want to do be honest with
yourself what is it that you would want
to do with your life if you didn’t have
to pay the bills doing it another thing
you can ask yourself who do you find
yourself sort of envious of you know
that you look at their life and you just
think gosh how awesome that they get to
do that well once you have that answer
for yourself you’ve gotten really honest
you’ve pushed the Bulls aside and you’ve
really asked it for yourself and
answered the question honestly all you
got to do is explore it that’s it just
find one thing that you can do to enrich
and expand your knowledge about it find
one course online
the topic stalk people that are pursuing
this line of work that’s how you start
to do it one step at a time
so start with answering the question
what do you really want with a massive
dose of honesty google the topic and
find one thing that you can do just one
push yourself and start to explore if
you were to wake up and do that every
single day spend 10 minutes a day you
would be startled astonished by what
your life looks like in a matter of a year or two
falsehood that at some point you’re
gonna have the courage at some point
you’re gonna have the confidence and
it’s total bull frankly I don’t I rely
to swear an absolute okay it’s it’s
complete garbage and so there are so
many people in the world and and and you
know you may be watching this right now
and you have these incredible ideas and
what you think is missing is motivation
and that’s not true
because the way that our minds are wired
and the fact about human beings is that
we are not designed to do things that
are uncomfortable or scary or difficult
our brains are designed to protect us
from those things because our brains are
trying to keep us alive and in order to
change in order to build a business in
order to be the best parent the best
spouse to do all those things that you
know you want to do with your life with
your work with your dreams you’re gonna
have to do things that are difficult
uncertain or scary which sets up this
problem for all of us you’re never gonna
feel like it motivations garbage you you
only feel motivated to do the things
that are easy right what do you think
that is oh I know exactly why that is
because I I’ve studied this so much
because for me one of the hardest things
to figure out was why is it so hard to
do the little things that would improve
my life and what I’ve come to realize
and what we’ll talk a lot about today is
that the way that our minds are designed
is our minds are designed to stop you at
all costs from doing anything that might
hurt you and the way that that that that
this all happens is it all starts with
something super subtle that none of us
ever catch and that is with this habit
that all of us have that nobody’s
talking about we all have a habit of
hesitating
we have an idea you’re sitting in a
meeting you have this incredible idea
and instead of just you know saying it
you stop and you hesitate now what none
of us realize is that when you hesitate
just that moment that micro moment that
small hesitation it sends a stress
signal to your brain it wakes your brain
up and your brain all of a sudden goes
oh wait a minute wait why is he
hesitating he didn’t hesitate when he
put on his killer spiky sneakers he
didn’t hesitate with the really cool
track pants he didn’t hesitate with the
NASA t-shirt now he’s hesitating to talk
something must be up so then your brain
goes to work to protect you it has a
million different ways to protect you
one of them is called the spotlight
effect it’s a known phenomenon where
your brain magnifies risk Y to pull you
away from something that it perceives to
be a problem and so you can truly trace
every single problem or complaint in
your life to silence and hesitation
those are decisions and what I do and
what’s changed my life is waking up and
realizing that motivations garbage I’m
never gonna feel like doing the things
that are tough for difficult or
uncertain or scary or no so I need to
stop waiting until I feel like it and
number two I am one decision away from a
totally different marriage a totally
different life a totally different job a
totally different income a totally
different relationship with my kids
not like one decision I’m divorcing you
in in the marriage example but one
decision on you know you could be having
a conversation with your spouse and you
feel your emotions rise up and within a
tiny window those emotions can take over
and can impact how your marriage goes or
you can learn how to take control of
that micro moment and make a decision to
act in a way that actually shifts your
marriage your life comes down to your
decisions and if you change your
decisions you will change everything
three single morning Monday through
Fridays at 9:00 a.m. I host a live
call-in radio show on Sirius satellite
radio it’s called make it happen with
Mel Robbins and the thing that’s been so
crazy about that show is every single
person that calls me on that show they
call in because they’re feeling stuck in
their lives and they’re resigned about
their ability to change their lives and
I’m not talking about people that are
nuts I’m talking about successful people
like you and me that just somehow got
stuck in their lives and I’m not talking
about people that are looking for cheesy
self-help I’m talking about people that
really want to figure out how to move
themselves forward and you know I find
that so many of us think that our dreams
are unreachable or unrealistic and it’s
just so sad I mean people think that
their dreams disappear and if that’s
what you think
congratulations you’re officially stuck
and the truth is that our dreams are
always there and they don’t ever give up
on us we give up on them but here’s the
secret if you just force yourself and I
mean force because I know damn well none
of you want to do anything about this
and I also know you’re sitting there
like yeah the self-help crap this isn’t
for me but if you just force yourself to
take a couple small steps there’s always
a surprise it was 22 right after I
graduated from Dartmouth I was so
focused on making everyone happy that I
almost chose the worst possible career
for my personality it’s not a bad career
it just would have been horrendous for
me I was interested in the environment
so I decided oh you know I’ll go get a
law degree and then I’ll go work in
Washington and I think maybe I’ll work
on environmental policy and I’d probably
end up in some cube farm and everyone
was thrilled with the plan everyone it
turns out but me so here I am I’m
driving a u-haul across country to go to
law school and to get a degree in
environmental law and something started
to gnaw at me
and with every single mile that I drove
my thoughts were getting louder and
doubts were starting to pour in my gut
was telling me Mel turn the damn u-haul
around but the problem was that
everything was already in place right I
mean I’m already in the u-haul the thing
is already packed I’m already 10 miles
into my drive the tuition had been paid
for the first semester I had signed a
lease I mean I could not undo these
things
isn’t that why it’s so difficult for you
to make changes in your life because you
think that things can’t be undone the
fact is any excuse that you come up with
you can undo tuition can be reimbursed
apartments can be leased Plan B can be
invented so I got up I repack that
u-haul and I drove out of town
I let myself make a u-turn in life if
you ever find your gut battling your
head save yourself the drama I guarantee
you your gut is right guarantee you your
excuses can be undone and I guarantee
you you can make a u-turn in your life
right now if you want to can be asking
for assignments that are above your
level so there’s work that you do at
your level and then there’s work that
you do above your level and the only way
that you’re going to be promoted to do
work above your level is a if you can
demonstrate that you’re capable of doing
the work at your level and B if you are
proactive in seeking out opportunities
that expand your capability and give you
a give you a chance to work above the
level that you’re at nothing’s going to
happen unless you take that initial
action nothing’s going to happen
nothing’s going to change unless you put
down that pen in the meeting and you sit
up and you pay attention and you listen
for your opportunity to speak nothing’s
gonna happen unless you push yourself to
go in and make the ask for that
assignment that’s scares you to death
Starbucks in 2008 very interesting thing
happened and many of you if you are in
the financial services market then
probably know this
their net income decreased by about 28%
that year and at the time they had
16,000 stores in 44 countries and they
had gone through this massive explosive
growth segment in terms of going from
going public in I think it was like 1992
they only had 125 stores and now here we
are 2008 they’ve got 16,000 so what ends
up happening is Howard Schultz who is
the chairman of the board comes back in
as the CEO very complex situation right
you’ve got operations in 44 countries
you’ve got massive reduction in terms of
the profits that you have you’ve got the
stock market and Wall Street screaming
at you you’ve got customers that are
going to Dunkin Donuts because there’s a
recession that’s hitting so what do you
do well he was very clear again back to
the two rules why do I stand for like
what is it what is what am i doing and
what do I want the outcome to be so he
was very clear that what he stood for as
a leader and what Starbucks should stand
for is the Starbucks experience he
wanted to go back to the beginning and
reintroduce people to the romance of
having a cup of coffee because you know
that’s how Starbucks launched in the
beginning that he was traveling and was
over in Italy and was like God why don’t
we in places like these great stops to
have a little cup of coffee over in the
United States
boom Starbucks an idea it’s born it’s
launched so he decides he’s gonna do
whatever he can to get the romance of
having a cup of coffee back in life in
any situation whether you’re talking
about growing your company growing your
bank account getting in a relationship
getting out of a relationship getting
something done at the school system that
your kids are going to on behalf of your
kids whatever it is that you’re up to in
life this is the only question that you
need to ask yourself well what is it
that I want because the truth of the
matter is if you can answer that you can
have it but when someone can’t realize
or identify their own negative feelings
someone that has been conditioned to
with and negative
feelings and believes that that’s normal
this question comes from basavanna de
Nagada
it is your normal you’re right it’s a
really first of all I’m sorry that
that’s been your experience of life
because that really stinks and it
doesn’t have to be that way but here
here’s where I want you to go what’s
interesting about what you said is the
fact that these feelings are normal okay
normal just means you’re used to them
but you don’t have to live with them so
even though you’re so used to these
negative feelings and these feelings of
doubt you still don’t like them you
still have the ability to stop that so I
want you to think of a moment in time
when you were really happy like it could
be a memory from being little it could
be something that you dream of doing and
I want you to come up with something
really specific about that moment okay
like think about what you’re wearing or
think about the the blue sky that is
gonna be what I call your anchor thought
every time from this moment forward that
you wake up or you find yourself
drifting to those normal feelings of I’m
a loser I’m worthless I’m never gonna
find love they may be things that you’re
used to thinking but that doesn’t that
doesn’t matter
because you can change them the second
that you feel that you’ve drifted over
into that thought and I keep coming over
here because when you start using the
rule you’re gonna start to literally
feel which part of your mind you’re
using the worries kind of happened here
I want you to five four three two one
and then I want you to insert this
vision of yourself this vision of
yourself where you felt really good and
if you can’t think of one invent one how
would you feel if you were in love how
would you feel if you loved yourself how
would you feel if you did that thing
that you’re scared of that you keep
talking yourself out of that’s your
anchor thought now when you first start
using the rule particularly when you’re
breaking a habit a habit of thinking
negative thoughts when you first start
doing it you may need to use the five
second rule 73
times in one day that’s okay I had to do
it like that when I was first using the
rule to cure myself and anxiety when I
would start to worry about anything I’d
start to worry about you know my kids or
I’d start to worry about money and I
feel my thoughts drift and then I’d
start to feel my heart race
I would stabilize my thoughts by four
three two one I’ve activated my
prefrontal cortex lower the the worries
you know on the other side and then I
would start to think about something
that actually made me feel really calm
or excited that is the battle of your
mind and you know the other thing about
normal that I just want to say is that
the reason why it feels normal to doubt
yourself and to have low self-worth is
because you’ve thought that’s so long
it’s become a pattern just like chewing
your nails becomes a pattern of behavior
that you don’t think about well the cool
thing is is that based on science you
can actually change any pattern even a
thinking one so use the five-second rule
every single time you catch yourself
thinking the nasty stuff and then
activate your prefrontal cortex and
force yourself to think something
positive one night Chris have gone to
bed I had been struggling struggling
struggling we still had all the same
problems I we stalled a lien on the
house still facing bankruptcy still
fighting like crazy I was still
unemployed
he still they still haven’t figured out
like the solution yet for the business
and I was about to turn off the TV and
there on the TV there was this rocket
launching and I thought oh my gosh I am
gonna launch myself out of bed like a
rocket ship like NASA right here had
launched me out of that bed and I’m
gonna move so fast that I don’t think
mmm I’m gonna beat my brain now here’s a
really interesting point I talked a lot
about your instincts and inner wisdom
and we can get into this a little bit
later but a lot of us talk about the
fact that you have a gut feeling but
what all this research that I’ve done
for the book and all the speaking that I
do what I’ve discovered that’s
fascinating is actually when you set
goals when you have an intention on
something that you want to change about
your life your brain helps you what it
does is it opens up a checklist and then
your brain goes to work trying to remind
you yeah of that intention that you said
and it’s really important to develop the
skill and I say that word purposefully
the skill of knowing how to hear that
inner wisdom and that intention kicking
in and leaning into it quickly so for me
my brain saying that’s it right there
move as fast as a rocket Mel I wanted to
change my life and I think most people
that are miserable or that are that are
really like dying to be great and dying
to have more we want to change we want
to live a better life we want to create
more for our families we want to be
happier the the desire is there again
it’s about how do you go from knowledge
to actions so the first thing in the
story that’s important is realizing that
the answer was in me and my mind was
telling me pay attention I could have
also been the Bourbon anyway the next
morning the alarm goes off and I
pretended NASA was there
it’s a stupidest story I literally went
five four three two one I counted out
loud and then I stood up and I never
forget standing there in my bedroom it
was dark it was cold it was winter in
Boston and for the first time in three
months I had beaten my habit of hitting
the snooze button I couldn’t believe it
and I thought wait a minute
counting backwards said is the dumbest
thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life
well the next morning I used it again
and it worked the next morning I used it
again and it worked the next morning I
used it again and it worked and then I
started to notice something really
interesting there were moments all day
long all day long just like that
five-second moment in bed
where I new knowledge what I should do
and if I didn’t move within five seconds
my brain would step in and talk me out
of it every human being has a
five-second window might even be shorter
for you you have about a five-second
window in which you can move from idea
to action before your brain kicks into
full gear and sabotages any change in
behavior because remember your brain is
wired to stop you from doing things that
are uncomfortable or uncertain or scary
it’s your job to learn how to move from
those ideas that could change everything
into acting on them if it were easy to
get what you wanted in life Google would
have already figured out an app you
would just type in okay I’m a student
and I want to go from being a student to
being successful and Google would tell
you go to college then you get your
masters then you land this killer job
and then you put in a bunch of face time
while you’re checking Facebook then you
get promoted to manager and then you
realize managing people kind of stinks
and then you keep climbing the corporate
ladder and then you start to wonder well
how did I end up here and then you want
ways this is what success looks like
you’re like no I’m gonna go to Jay
so keep this in mind if there’s
something that you want like seven
people or a trip to Africa or you’re
going to make it to Mexico in the pink
shirt I’m looking at you again sir I’m
watching you and rooting for you keep in
mind this here you are this is what you
want I spend a lot of time on lacrosse
fields although they don’t really look
like this you tend to think that what
you want you just march right towards it
but if in sports you march right towards
the goal what happens the defenders come
in and what the defenders are is it’s
your brain saying ain’t gonna happen
so the second you start moving toward
that thing you want be ready
you’re gonna tell yourself you don’t
feel like it you’re gonna have to force
yourself it’s happening there’s no way
to get around it so what you’re gonna
have to do is you’re gonna basically get
bounced around a lot
all over the place and there gonna be a
lot of times that you feel like this was
a really dumb idea to start this
business because it’s gonna get hard and
I want to remind you about something
unlike a sports field where there’s an
in and out of bounds the great thing
about life is there actually aren’t any
and it’s usually in those moments where
you feel like you can’t do it that
you’re closer than ever
to having everything that you wanted and
I wanted to show you this so that you
keep it in mind because I think a lot of
times when you look back it’s the
darkest moments where you realize holy
cow that’s what projected me forward you
live in the most amazing moment in time
so that thing that you have up here
whatever it may be you want to use
healthy eating to cure your diabetes you
want to figure out how to take care of
the elders and start a new hospice
center you want to move to Africa and
build a school guess what you can walk
into a bookstore right now and buy at
least ten books written by credentialed
experts on how the hell you doing you
could google it and you could probably
find at least I don’t know a thousand
blogs documenting the step by step by
step transformation that somebody else
is already doing you can find anybody
online and cyberstalk them you can just
walk in their footsteps and let that you
know just use the science of drafting
follow what everyone else has done cuz
somebody else is already doing it
so why don’t you have what you want when
you have all the information that you
need you have the contacts that you need
there are probably free tools online
that allow you to start a business or
join a group or do whatever the heck you
shut the front door you know what I’m
talking about the f-bomb it’s everywhere
you hear it all the time and I honestly
don’t understand what the appeal is of
the word I mean you don’t sound smart
when you say it and it’s really not
expressing how you really feel it’s sort
of a cheap you know shot to take and of
course you know I’m talking about the
word fine how you doing I’m fine
oh really you are dragging around those
extra 40 pounds you’re fine
feeling like roommates with your spouse
and you’re fine you haven’t had sex in
four months you’re fine really I don’t
think so but see here’s the deal with
saying that you’re fine it’s actually
genius because if you’re fine you don’t
have to do anything about it but when
you think about this word fine it just
makes me so angry I mean here we are at
a conference about being alive and
you’re gonna describe the experience of
being alive as fine a flimsy and feeble
word your crappy say your crappy if
you’re amazing say you’re amazing tell
the truth and this not only goes for the
social construct oh I don’t want to
burden you with the fact that I hate my
life or you know hey I’m amazing but
that would make you feel terrible the
bigger issue the bigger issue with fine
is that you say it to yourself
that thing that you want I guarantee you
you’ve convinced yourself that you’re
fine not having it that’s why you’re not
pushing yourself
it’s the areas in your life where you’ve
given up where you’ve said oh I’m fine
my mom’s never gonna change so I just
can’t have that conversation I’m fine
you know we got to wait until the kids
graduate before we get divorced so we’ll
just sleep in separate bedrooms I’m fine
I lost my job I can barely pay my bills
but whatever it’s hard to get a job and
you know one of the reasons why this
word also just annoys me so much is
scientists have calculated oh yeah I’m
coming down scientists have calculated
the odds of you being born that’s right
they’ve crunched the numbers I see you
up there
they have crunched the numbers on you
yeah no you guys standing up you want to
sit down for this they’ve crunched the
numbers on you being born and they took
into account all of the wars and the
natural disasters and the dinosaurs and
everything else and do you realize that
the odds the odds of you Yeah right here
put your computer way stand up for me
son so the odds of Doug here turn around
say hi to everybody the odds yeah of
Doug Doug being born at the moment in
time he was born to the parents you were
born to with the DNA structure that you
have a hundred I know one and four
hundred trillion isn’t it amazing
so lucky yes you’re not fine you’re
fantastic
you have life-changing ideas for a
reason and it’s not to torture yourself
thank you thank you Doug
you know Christine was right when she
said all of you could be on stage
because all of you we’re all in this
category one and four hundred trillion
all day long you have ideas that could
change your life that could change the
world that could change the way that you
feel now what do you do with them
nothing
oh hopefully it won’t moon you you
didn’t pay for that I’ve that’s this
puppy right here this is what you want
this is your prefrontal cortex Drive is
the mode where you’re in charge of your
thoughts okay it’s where you are fully
awake you are present and you are
driving your thoughts and actions when
you’re doing that your prefrontal cortex
is active the prefrontal cortex is the
part of the brain that you need in order
to learn new behavior in order to do
something difficult in order to do
something uncertain in order to do
strategic thinking so I’m gonna give you
an example so I’m a righty if I were to
try to write with my left hand like you
Lois is gonna torture me and tie my hand
behind my back and make me like do this
I could do it it would look like I was
writing with my foot and if Lewis came
up to me and said hey Mel you want some
bulletproof coffee I’d be like Lois I’m
doing I’m trying to concentrate I can’t
do this my prefrontal cortex would be el
fuego because it is firing on all
cylinders to communicate to my hand new
behavior so the thing that’s cool about
that is that you can use a simple trick
the moment you feel yourself hesitate
the moment you’ve got one of those
moments where you know that you need to
this is that moment that Luis talks to
you about where you got to step outside
of your comfort zone and you’ve got to
lean into your passion and you’ve got to
really take some risks and you got to
feel the fear and you got to do it
anyway that’s the moment where you just
woke up and now you got a decision to
make are you gonna drift back into the
habits or are you going to awaken your
prefrontal cortex and drive forward and
focus and do something new up 30 minutes
earlier than you normally do and push
yourself to work on the most important
priorities first this isn’t just me
research shows that you
most productive hours are the first two
to three hours after you wake up and get
ready this means that for peak
productivity you’ve got to do whatever
you can do to make sure the most
important work to you gets done first
during that window of time the two
things that are the most important
things that you can focus on that are
priorities for you that will advance
your long-term goals so just pick two
priorities a day whenever you have some
spare time or you’ve got some wiggle
room in your schedule that’s when you
force yourself to sit down and work on
those two priorities for the day because
here’s the truth about it to-do list
eventually that crap will get done and
typically what we do all day long is
we’re usually putting out fires we’re
responding to emails we’re sitting in
meetings that other people have called
and our days get filled doing things for
other people so what I want you to do is
I want you to start thinking about every
single day what are two things that are
priorities for you and then find time
whenever you can even if it’s just 10
minutes to sit down and work on them if
you’re living in the past you’re going
to be depressed because you are
rehashing things that happen to you that
are not going to happen again if you’re
living in the future you’re gonna be
anxious because you are anticipating
what’s coming or you’re wishing for
things that aren’t happening yet being
in the present is where the gold is
being in the present moment is where you
will have the greatest control where you
will feel the most at ease and where
happiness flourishes there’s a
super-tight connection between happiness
and the ability to live in the present
moment a lot of people believe that
happiness is tied to the things that
happen to you not so at all in fact
there is a professor of positive
psychology he’s one of the grandfather’s
of the movement he teaches at the
University of Pennsylvania his name is
Martin settlement and he studied
happiness for decades
one of the things that we’ve talked
about a lot is that 40% of your
happiness levels are preset by genetics
60% you are in complete control of and
one of the things that this professor
has has discovered is that it doesn’t
matter what’s happened to you in fact
some of the people that have had the
worst things the worst things happen to
them like people that have survived the
Holocaust are actually the happiest and
most grateful people in the world
happiness comes down to this right up
here comes down to your thoughts comes
down to your mindset it comes down to
your attitude and you are 100% control
of what you’re thinking you may not be
in control of how you feel in the moment
but you can always always always always
be in control of what you think and that
will change how you’re feeling one of
the most powerful things that you can do
in terms of think and this gets back to
stricken is how do you be present being
present is literally nothing more than
the skill of having your thoughts be in
this moment not in the past not in the
future but right here the way that you
teach yourself how to do that is that
the moment that you catch yourself being
distracted the moment you catch yourself
starting to worry the moment you catch
yourself drifting to the future drifting
to the past that’s a moment of
tremendous power because you basically
just woke up
you basically just notice that you’re
not here in this particular moment so
use that wake-up call 5 4 3 2 1 and
ground yourself in this moment the best
way to ground yourself in the moment is
to look for something in this particular
moment that you can savor now I’m using
the word savor on purpose because it’s
the word that psychologists use to
describe what happens when you find
something in this moment right now right
here right now to focus on and to
appreciate
could be literally the questions these
are these are printed out questions from
people on social media and if I were to
stop and look at these and savor them
what I would feel in this moment is a
tremendous amount of gratitude because
people are taking the time to write and
that makes me feel incredibly grateful
and it also makes me very happy because
it means that that the folks that are
writing are taking control of their
lives and seeking out the information
that they need another form of savoring
that we can all relate to is eating as
you’re eating instead of drifting to the
future and thinking about all the things
that you need to do or hanging out in
the past and rehashing everything that’s
happened during the day be in this
moment in this meal slow down think
about the food that you’re eating think
about the people that you’re sitting
with and how you feel about them and if
you want to take it up a notch actually
acknowledge okay this food tastes
amazing thank you for cooking or I’m so
glad to see you and that we get the time
to have this meal together those small
simple acts of savoring are how you
expand your happiness inside the present
moment so how do you be more present
simple the moment that you catch
yourself in the future in the past
worrying whatever refocus yourself right
here right now and then find something
right here right now that you can savor
and when you do that you’re not only
gonna be present you’re gonna feel more
grateful and you’re gonna feel a little
boost to happiness wants you to start
seeing something bigger I know you’re
all successful I’m talking about
something really big for your life and
in order to do that you have to answer
this question what do you really won now
I’m not talking about something small
I’m not talking about a little haiku I’m
not talking about renovating your
kitchen I’m not talking about signing on
10 new customers this month I’m talking
about what you really want you know
three years ago I was a lawyer and a
business coach working with private
clients and big corporations all over
the country and I came to a seminar just
like this one a big leadership seminar
and I went there with my husband we’re
both business owners and I went because
I wanted to be more successful and I
went because I wanted to make even more
money than I already did and I was
sitting exactly where you are in fact I
was sitting about you know 15 rows back
right where that woman with the hand on
everything like yet you know she’s like
hi it was sitting and I was taking notes
and I’m like okay I’m here to make more
money and then all of a sudden she
walked on stage that is Martha Beck she
writes a column for Oprah Winfrey she
travels around the country speaking
she’s a best-selling author and when she
walked on stage I literally stopped
listening please keep listening to me
right now
and it hits me I said I want to be doing
that I’m ready for a bigger state like
that’s it
and what’s so interesting about when you
answer that question is that you don’t
answer it up here you answer it here
that’s how you see something bigger for
yourself you know you guys are really
cute because everybody is like I don’t
see it what do you I don’t see anything
for myself right I and now I’m just
confused I thought I knew what I wanted
you know and now Mela I’m not really
sure and right now the economy is so bad
I mean it’s so bad that even if you’re
successful I know sometimes I feel
embarrassed talking about my success
around some of my friends because I know
that they’re really struggling and I get
calls every day into the radio show
people saying oh I’ve got this great
idea but I just don’t know if it’s the
right time and you know I say to them I
say yeah you know you’re right the
recession it’s it’s huge you should wait
those dreams yeah put them on hold
that’s right yeah you you should you
should stay in the job you can’t stand
just a little bit long being a college
bills to pay I mean you know what you’re
doing it’s fine you’re busy right that
guy you’re dating he’s good enough for
you but for the people in this room
baloney you know that’s right you know
exactly what you want and the only thing
that you need to do is to admit now this
may sound weird because I know most of
you came in here because you’re like I
know what I want I’m here at success so
try to figure it out I’m talking about
something bigger
I’ll admit to you what it is that I’m up
to and the truth is it’s embarrassing
because when you lock on to something
way bigger than where you’re at it is
downright embarrassing to tell people
because you’re not there yet but I mean
at this rate I’ve already admitted to
you that I stalked Martha Beck and that
I brought a haiku to the best you know
lit agent in the country so I got
nothing to lose at this point so this is
well not him I’m married I want what
he’s got I want six hundred radio
stations I want two million listeners
and I could certainly deal with the four
hundred million dollar salary in fact if
I got it I’d renovate everybody’s
kitchen and you know the thing is though
that’s so interesting about this is that
I didn’t pick him I mean I I’m not
looking to become a cigar smoking
conservative political guy that like
stirs the pot makes everybody all bad
I’m the liberal lifestyle gal that’s
trying to help people out but what I
want to do is I want to use radio to
entertain people and help them achieve
their dreams and when I really think
about it he’s the one that’s in the
front I want to not only reach what he’s
doing I want to surpass him I mean do
you think I like it when my friends come
over in my office in Boston at my house
and they’re like why does that guy doing
on your board no it’s embarrassing when
you admit the big thing that you’re up
to it’s embarrassing I have 40 stations
he’s got 600 there’s a big gap so
admitting where you want to get to is
embarrassing but you got to do it there
are three red flags we should look for
that will actually tell us it’s time to
change big ones
whenever you start feeling in your life
like oh my gosh is this all there is
huge red flag number one number two when
you spend your energy being jealous or
having the grasses greener over there
another big wake-up call for you that
you’re ready for a change and then the
other final red flag is if you’re
spending your life waiting to be happy
I’ll be happy when I’ll be happy when I
get married I’ll be happy when I change
my job I’ll be happy when I watch a
business it’s time to change now because
that moments not coming unless you make
it come but how do I know that I’m maybe
just not living in a fantasy land that
I’m never gonna no matter where I am the
grass is always green a concept that
I’ll always say this could be better and
I might be making change for change sake
but it might not be really what I need
Ohlone if you’re still
saying that to yourself over and over
and over again and you’re complaining
it’s what you’re really good at is
ignoring your gut and so it’s time to
start tuning in to your gut and making
some changes okay so people see these
signs why don’t they make changes then I
mean what you just described is very
depressing and tell you about it I can
tell you the reason why they don’t make
changes is because what happens is you
say okay I want to do X and then
immediately what you see next are all
the obstacles and so you’re actually
smart you’re not necessarily afraid
you’re smart because you think how the
hell am I gonna go from being a lawyer
to a carpenter when I have a mortgage to
pay I’ve got to ition bills to go my
wife is gonna kill me if I make this
kind of change and so you get stuck
because you see obstacles and then you
never do anything those are very real
obstacles okay so how do I kind of get
past those obstacles very easy let’s say
I recognize the warning signals yeah
okay time for change danger Will
Robinson yeah this is not the right path
but it does seem Herculean there has to
go don’t put your job that’s number one
second thing is I think most change in
life is not about putting on a big cape
and jumping off a cliff or out of an
airplane it’s more like leaning into
something so if you find yourself
daydreaming about something or wishing
that you could change your life start
investigating start having conversations
about it starts leading into change
right it took money off the table if you
didn’t give what anybody else thought
what’s the thing you would love to be
doing with your life seriously do you
dream of being a professional
photographer do you want to open your
own restaurant you always thought about
traveling the world and entertaining
kids with your juggling skills I don’t
know it’s your life you get to choose
what you want to do be honest with
yourself what is it that you would want
to do with your life if you didn’t have
to pay the bills doing it another thing
you can ask yourself who do you find
yourself sort of envious of you know
that you look at their life and you just
think gosh how awesome that they get to
do that well once you have that answer
for yourself you’ve gotten really honest
you’ve pushed the Bulls aside and you’ve
really asked it for yourself and
answered the question honestly all you
got to do is explore it that’s it just
find one thing that you can do to enrich
and expand your knowledge about it find
one course online
the topic stalk people that are pursuing
this line of work that’s how you start
to do it one step at a time
so start with answering the question
what do you really want with a massive
dose of honesty google the topic and
find one thing that you can do just one
push yourself and start to explore if
you were to wake up and do that every
single day spend 10 minutes a day you
would be startled astonished by what
your life looks like in a matter of a year or two
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