[Music]
Johnny and his girlfriend Rachel weren’t
getting on well after two years together
there were lots of arguments sometimes
quite stormy ones when one night Johnny
smashed his fist through the kitchen
door a friend suggested he might try
therapy it felt odd at first to be in a
room with a stranger who wanted nothing
more than to listen to him closely she
asked what the fights between him and
Rachel were about oh this and that said
Johnny
was there anything else he was sad about
in his relationship sad was a useful
word to use
it made Johnny feel that his anger
wasn’t some kind of horrible madness
which was the vibe he tended to get from
all other observers his anger was coming
from a place of weakness and inadequacy
which crucially the therapist could
understand and not immediately judge him
for there was a lot of sadness around
sex Johnny and Rachel had been going for
months without too much of it Johnny
would try sliding a hand over gently but
Rachel would subtly ignore him
pretending to fall asleep the rejection
was silently killing Johnny and was at
the root of his increasing coldness and
snappiness with Rachel that must feel
pretty painful to be turned down so the
therapist in such a sympathetic way that
Johnny who was an ex-marine felt tears
welling up Johnny began talking of his
childhood he’d grown up in Texas and had
never known his father his mother had
been beautiful volatile and an alcoholic
he’d always had a sense that he was a
burden to her he’d been a chubby boy
slow at school and shy at home when he
was 14 she’d left him in the care of her
sister and had gone to live with a lover
in Chicago Johnny his mother rarely saw
each other now beneath Johnny’s outward
strength not far beneath was a sense he
was unacceptable to the core of his
being unable to sustain even his own
mother’s interest the feeling of
self-loathing and shame was easy to
reawaken and Rachel sexual disinterest
played right into it the problem was
that Johnny wasn’t good at translating
his hurt into anything another person
could understand let alone sympathize
with him for we tend not to be endeared
by people who call us rude words and
break furniture however vulnerable they
might be feeling inside Rachel had come
to see her boyfriend as a bully not a
hurt lost boy though that was beneath
or perhaps precisely what he wants the
therapist suggested something as basic
as it was brilliant rather than trying
and failing to have sex Johnny should
tell Rachel a little bit more about what
it felt like to be him when his hand lay
rejected untouched by her in the bed
most importantly he had to stay calm
when he explained himself to her on the
basis that unlike when he’d been young
he now had agency and choice and a
possibility of maturity put like this
Rachel
understood at once she didn’t have some
macho guy in her hands she was picking
up on echos of a lost scared boy whom
she actually cried for when it was
explained to her like this it wasn’t
that Johnny and Rachel immediately had
sex all the time
Rachel’s job often left her not in the
mood but the meaning of the lack of sex
changed between them
Rachel understood how Johnny might
interpret her tiredness and took steps
to reassure him of her basic love for
him
Johnny better understood why rejection
had a habit of stirring up such
uncontrollable hurt in him Johnny
gradually lost the old sense of
helplessness
she isn’t my mother and I’m not a little
boy at her mercy he stated one day in
therapy and it felt like the most
obvious and momentous of points Johnny
took on board what belonged to the past
and what belonged to now the therapy
lasted over a year Johnny and Rachel are
going to be married soon the School of
Life offers therapy in person or over Skype click here for details
Johnny and his girlfriend Rachel weren’t
getting on well after two years together
there were lots of arguments sometimes
quite stormy ones when one night Johnny
smashed his fist through the kitchen
door a friend suggested he might try
therapy it felt odd at first to be in a
room with a stranger who wanted nothing
more than to listen to him closely she
asked what the fights between him and
Rachel were about oh this and that said
Johnny
was there anything else he was sad about
in his relationship sad was a useful
word to use
it made Johnny feel that his anger
wasn’t some kind of horrible madness
which was the vibe he tended to get from
all other observers his anger was coming
from a place of weakness and inadequacy
which crucially the therapist could
understand and not immediately judge him
for there was a lot of sadness around
sex Johnny and Rachel had been going for
months without too much of it Johnny
would try sliding a hand over gently but
Rachel would subtly ignore him
pretending to fall asleep the rejection
was silently killing Johnny and was at
the root of his increasing coldness and
snappiness with Rachel that must feel
pretty painful to be turned down so the
therapist in such a sympathetic way that
Johnny who was an ex-marine felt tears
welling up Johnny began talking of his
childhood he’d grown up in Texas and had
never known his father his mother had
been beautiful volatile and an alcoholic
he’d always had a sense that he was a
burden to her he’d been a chubby boy
slow at school and shy at home when he
was 14 she’d left him in the care of her
sister and had gone to live with a lover
in Chicago Johnny his mother rarely saw
each other now beneath Johnny’s outward
strength not far beneath was a sense he
was unacceptable to the core of his
being unable to sustain even his own
mother’s interest the feeling of
self-loathing and shame was easy to
reawaken and Rachel sexual disinterest
played right into it the problem was
that Johnny wasn’t good at translating
his hurt into anything another person
could understand let alone sympathize
with him for we tend not to be endeared
by people who call us rude words and
break furniture however vulnerable they
might be feeling inside Rachel had come
to see her boyfriend as a bully not a
hurt lost boy though that was beneath
or perhaps precisely what he wants the
therapist suggested something as basic
as it was brilliant rather than trying
and failing to have sex Johnny should
tell Rachel a little bit more about what
it felt like to be him when his hand lay
rejected untouched by her in the bed
most importantly he had to stay calm
when he explained himself to her on the
basis that unlike when he’d been young
he now had agency and choice and a
possibility of maturity put like this
Rachel
understood at once she didn’t have some
macho guy in her hands she was picking
up on echos of a lost scared boy whom
she actually cried for when it was
explained to her like this it wasn’t
that Johnny and Rachel immediately had
sex all the time
Rachel’s job often left her not in the
mood but the meaning of the lack of sex
changed between them
Rachel understood how Johnny might
interpret her tiredness and took steps
to reassure him of her basic love for
him
Johnny better understood why rejection
had a habit of stirring up such
uncontrollable hurt in him Johnny
gradually lost the old sense of
helplessness
she isn’t my mother and I’m not a little
boy at her mercy he stated one day in
therapy and it felt like the most
obvious and momentous of points Johnny
took on board what belonged to the past
and what belonged to now the therapy
lasted over a year Johnny and Rachel are
going to be married soon the School of
Life offers therapy in person or over Skype click here for details
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