In Praise of Hugs

it seems very strange to make a case for
hugging after all hugging has become
deeply fashionable it’s viewed as an
expansive alternative to the handshake
intended to suggester flatteringly
warm-blooded informality like a peck on
both cheeks a hug is now something you
can do at the office or with someone
you’re only meeting for the second time
in other words it’s grown into a
sentimental token of chumminess that
means more or less nothing which is a
pity because in its essence hugging is
of deep and poignant significance the
central time for hugging is early
childhood up to about the age of four a
child may be frequently held cradled
patted and carried we accept that a
little person can’t manage the trials of
existence on their own there will be
times when they’re overwhelmed and in
need of a big person to take the strain
the young child can’t be helped by
explanations and reasons they can
respond to touch alone but as we grow
towards adulthood independence and
self-reliance become key and the sort of
hugs we once knew recede that chummy
office hug is all we’re left with we’re
taught to be wary of any suggestion of
needing a wiser stronger person to look
after us one of our most taboo political
ideas is paternalism the admission of a
collective desire to be parented which
is taken to be profoundly humiliating
and yet to suggest that we continue to
need the proper older kind of hug is to
insist that we go on being at points
rather like the children we once were
that is people who can’t cope on their
own to be in need of a hug is to admit
in shorthand I feel at the moment
terrifyingly small and needs someone
else to be for a while like a parent
it’s tricky to admit how normal and
reasonable regressive tendencies are
they can seem like an affront to
individualism and dignity but there can
be no genuine maturity without an
accommodation with a childhood self it
can be helpful to come across profoundly
dignified and prestigious cultural
objects that take the need for hugs very
seriously indeed
in a late work the mystical Nativity
sandro botticelli
a great observer of the parent-child hug
shows us a group of angels hugging adult
humans Botticelli was hugely sensitive
to the way failure and fear are always
edging their way into every life
irrespective of how sunny it might look
from the outside a few of us can sadly
now believe that angels are actually
going to help us out but we retain a
theoretical need for them nevertheless
the capacity to regress should belong
within every good loving relationship
it’s a sign that someone feels safe
enough with you and you with them to
allow themselves to be seen in a
pathetically vulnerable state we’ve been
too keen to excise looking after another
person when they’re fragile or broken
from our vision of relationships but
true love is as much about sympathy for
the vulnerabilities as it is about
admiration for the strengths today it’s
pretty well understood that not getting
enough sex may be a strangely intense
problem leading to feelings of stress
disconnection and difficulties with
concentration not getting enough of the
right sort of hugs should be recognized
as no less serious a hug is a symbol of
everything we tend to sorely miss in our
hyper individualistic achievement
centered culture a chance safely to
admit for a moment to our total dependence on another person