the strange thing about love is that
even though we experience it in a deeply
personal and apparently instinctive way
it has a history in other words people
around the world haven’t always fallen
in love the way they do now the point of
rehearsing a few of the telling moments
in loves history is to remind ourselves
that there are different ways of
arranging relationships depending on
what a given society happens to believe
in love is a cultural invention and we
are not at the end of its evolution we
may in fact be still only at the early
stages of the history of love we’re
still learning what we need and how we
might get more successful at love Mari
Syria 1775 BC King Zimri Lin of the
ancient city of Mari on the banks of the
Euphrates Mary’s ship to the Princess of
the neighboring kingdom of yam had far
from being the outcome of love this
marriage like that of many between
powerful people in the ancient world is
purely transactional Mari occupies a
critical position in the trade routes
between Syria and Mesopotamia and
marrying ship to will allows him reel in
to expand his wealth and power same real
ins attitude to marriage continues with
his children he marries off eight of his
daughters two rulers of neighboring
cities forcing each of his new son in
laws to sign a document pledging
themselves to him the people of mari are
in effect saying that what gives a
marriage meaning isn’t how much the
couple happened to love one another but
whether it’s beneficial in terms of
trade connections and war this is so
alien to us it’s worth reflecting on
just how much we nowadays refuse to
entertain at least in public any
practical considerations when marrying
feelings are meant to be our only load
starts and yet for thousands of years
until only a minute ago on the
historical clock it was unambiguously
meant to be only about land power and
money the notion that you should love
your spouse would have seemed plain
laughable this may have created a
collective trauma we still in flight
from bleh France
11:47 ad refer gudell the Prince of
Bligh sets
sale for Tripoli in modern-day northern
Lebanon he is off to see the Countess of
Tripoli with whom he has fallen deeply
in love Rudel is one of the earliest
known troubadours or skilled court poets
who rise to prominence in southern
France in the 12th century and write
poetry on one subject exclusively love
Rudel has written many poems in honor of
the countess and wants to write some
more in her presence
but rudel’s idea of love is very
particular and at that time dramatically
new it’s love that’s utterly divorced
from practical considerations that
doesn’t involve children money dynasties
or even any kind of reciprocation the
troubadour poets never tried to have sex
with the objects of their love their
focus is exclusively on what we would
call the infatuation or more
colloquially the crush side of love
Rudel has fallen in love with the
countess without ever having set eyes on
her pining away for his lady from
hundreds of miles away he composes and
sets to music many songs expressing
grief and joy
unfortunately he falls ill or rude to
his lady and has to be stretchered into
Tripoli where the countess hears about
him and visits him in his chamber Rudel
recovers momentarily
before dying finally at peace very
chastely
in her arms the troubadours took love
very seriously only they didn’t see it
as linked to marriage romantic love was
something you felt for someone you were
never going to do household chores with
and that may be the secret of its
intensity this kind of love was spared
too much contact with daily life Rudel
could imagine how lovely the countess of
Tripoli was without ever having to
dispute with her about the right place
to hang a tapestry or get frustrated if
she didn’t particularly want to do a
special embarrassing thing for him in
bed their love could remain pristine the
troubadours show us a historical moment
when the idea of love was not tied to
the notion of moving in together or to
the intertwining of two practical
economic and social lives using the same
toilet sharing utility bills and trying
to go on camping holidays with your
partner’s friends
Versailles France 14th of September 1745
at 6 o’clock in the evening in a move
engineered and planned for weeks
Janet Winnett press on a 23 year old
beauty from Paris rouged powdered and
wearing a black off the shoulder dress
and as the cabinet of course a
approaches King Louie the 15th and
curtsies three times this simple gesture
makes it official
Janet winnette is the king’s Midwest
declare or chief mistress and from now
on she will be known as Madame de
Pompadour
and resided court with the king the king
has by this point been married for 20
years but marriage doesn’t mean fidelity
you marry for reasons of state and you
have mistresses on the side
no one gets upset that’s just what
happens Louis the 15th has several
mistresses including 14 year-old Mary
Louise Oh Murphy who’s painted in a
famous semi pornographic painting by
Francois Boucher at Versailles in the
18th century there was an acceptance of
the imperfect fit between marriage and
love it was understood that there would
always be a tension between the two
marriage was for children practicality
and continuity love was for excitement
drama and sex one should never try to
blend the two rather than be underhand
or deceitful like many people are today
the King of France simply split love for
marriage and without shame or guilt made
his romantic attachments an organised
and public part of his life with his
Gretna Green Scotland 1st of January
1812 a couple has just got married in a
secret ceremony
John Lambton the first Earl of Durham
who is portion has land and
responsibilities and Harriet the
illegitimate daughter of the Earl of
Cholmondeley who has no money and little
social status but is very pretty are now
man and wife
their families are furious and have
tried desperately to stop the wedding
but the couple are modern which means
that they believe that in marriage love
should come first and practical
considerations second they’ve gone to
Gretna Green a village just inside
Scotland to escape English law and they
are exemplars of a new philosophy of
romanticism which privileges feeling
over reason and impulse over tradition
Romanticism transforms love the old
system of marrying for political or
economic advantage slowly crumbles
around the world the village of Gretna
Green becomes synonymous with illicit
marriages and John and Harriet are among
hundreds of English couples in the late
18th and 19th centuries who eloped there
the public appetite for stories of
Romantic descent is such that the local
priest publishes some best-selling
memoirs of his time there full of daring
coach rides across the border and the
Roth of unconsolidated
too late Gretna Green becomes an
important place because there’s a
growing belief that marriage should be
the consequence of love and that if two
people love each other that alone is
what matters
income the standing of the wider family
career and how the parents-in-law might
get on seems irrelevant and more than
that they begin to be cast not as wise
serious matters which really ought to be
taken to account but as things that
could only seem relevant to county
fathers snobbish aunts and dried-up
conventional people with no care for the
happiness of a couple mostly when we
want to do something we take advice if
we can from people who’ve done it before
Gretna Green stands for a remarkable
shift in thinking around relationships
which is still powerful today the
assumption that people who have already
had marriages are likely to be very poor
advisors and guides to the young love is
understood to be an enthusiasm not a
London England 1813 readers of Jane
Austen’s latest novel are on the edge of
their seats as Fitzwilliam Darcy
stumbles his way through a proposal to
Elizabeth Bennet his offer of marriage
promises to fix all her problems not
only is he handsome
but he’s rich and Elizabeth’s family
with four unmarried daughters to support
badly needs all the cash they can get
but Elizabeth says no Darcy for all his
gifts is also arrogant and a snob Pride
and Prejudice may suggest women marry
for money but Lizabeth actions reveal a
new and subversive belief rapidly
gaining currency in English society that
they should love the man they betrothed
themselves to it’s an idea Austen
support strongly eleven years earlier
she had herself rejected a proposal of
marriage claiming anything is to be
preferred or endured rather than
marrying without affection in her
greatest novel however things turn out
for the best
eventually after many twists and turns
and despite her lack of standing and
money Elizabeth and Darcy marry what
continues to strike readers today is
that Jane Austen is deeply concerned
about romance and about money to marry
only for money is she argues a disaster
but equally she holds that to marry only
for love is a terrible folly – in
Austen’s eyes a good marriage requires
warmth and tenderness of heart and a
strong practical worldly managerial
competence and from this Austen draws
the conclusion that few people are
actually that well suited for marriage
she’s unsurprised that many marriages
are a little hollow or a little grim
Austen’s novels depict numerous
unsatisfactory relationships and only a
few very happy ones in the early years
of the 19th century Jane Austen is
defining the wise ideal of modern love
she sees marriage as a hybrid enterprise
in some respects it’s like running a
small business or organizing a village
fete if you don’t keep track of the
practical details and don’t have quite
an efficient turn for administration
things are going to go badly wrong but
at the same time marriage is a
profoundly complex emotional encounter
and to thrive in it one needs emotional
maturity
playfulness and warmth through her
novels Jane Austen is trying to present
the reader with an education in a truly
classical way she believes we can do few
things well if we leave our performance
to nature luck and chance a happy
relationship depends on the maturity of
both parties in Pride and Prejudice both
Elizabeth Bennet and Darcy have to be
improved he has to lose his pride and
she has to shed her prejudice if they’re
to be capable of living well together
love is something we need to learn
London 24th of November 1859 it’s the
day Charles Darwin publishes the Origin
of Species
there is a huge initial resistance but
eventually much of the world is
convinced by his arguments human beings
are descended from the primates and that
means that we’ve inherited not just
their skeletal structure but also a lot
of their drives and basic psychology
Darwin’s detractors are aghast at the
implied humiliation but that’s
consolation in Darwin too because he
suggests that our inability to live up
to our ideals is not wholly our own
fault we are at any time
half Apes and for Apes to aim for
faithful life long passionate
egalitarian relationships is to attempt
to pull off something hugely difficult
starting from a very unpromising base no
wonder we often fail without
particularly intending to Darwin ashes
in a strategic and useful pessimism
about relationships rather than being
for instance essentially monogamous he
implies that human beings might by
nature at least be predisposed to as
many apes are polygamy opportunistic sex
and the dumping of one mate for another
on the basis of nothing more than their
breeding potential signaled by such
unedifying and unspiritual
characteristics as how big their breasts
are aquatic park San Francisco United
States August 1965 Jefferson Poland
wearing a flower behind his ear strips
off his swimming trunks and Wade’s naked
into the sea Poland is one of the
world’s first hippies he wears his hair
long and rejects a sophistication of
modern life for a romantic notion of
getting back to a natural state of grace
behind him and three other protesters
braving the icy cold ocean water is
cheering crowd of beatniks and
anarchists who hold up signs and chant
the phrase sexist clean
Laura’s obscene in front of a hastily
assembled group of reporters this event
is one of many organized by groups
advocating free love in the 1960s in
America they argue that society’s rules
against nudity same-sex relationships
and sex before marriage are all forms of
sexual repression soon monogamy itself
is being questioned in an enlightened
world they argue sexually liberated men
and women should just give up on
marriage and along with it jealousy
adultery and divorce
it’s a beautiful deeply romantic idea of
what love could be and it eventually
collapses into a disaster Belgium 2015
the country achieves a notorious
distinction it is the nation with the
highest rate of divorce in the developed
world and astonishing 71% of couples
will split up here a newspaper in the
country asks why and the answer comes
back clearly initial expectations were
not met other countries are not far
behind in the UK the divorce rate is 42%
in the u.s. 53% in Hungary 67% and in
Portugal 68% part of the reason lies in
the disappointment people feel with what
had apparently been promised to them by
the freewheeling 1960s and before that
by 19th century Romanticism the dream of
love survives but it disappoints
constantly at dinner tables around the
world otherwise intelligent people
complain that they simply can’t
understand the strange and tricky
subject of love the future hope for love
lies in the notion of sacrifice that is
in accepting that we won’t get
everything we want from love
relationships or marriage we’re trying
to do something highly ambitious in our
modern ideals of relationships unite sex
affection the raising of a family a
career and adequate material security we
will by necessity fail to get all of
these the idea of sacrifice though helps
us if we consider that getting half of
what we really want and need might still
be quite a lot in comparison with what
it would be like if we avoided
relationships altogether clearly a
solitary life can work out really well
for a few people but mostly we hate
living alone
the question should not be so much
whether relationships live up to our
ideal hopes of mutual happiness but
whether they are better if only a little
than not having relationships at all
the future of love needs us to get
interested in ambivalence that is in the
capacity to keep on thinking that
something is quite good even while we’re
painfully conscious of its many and striking day-to-day imperfections
even though we experience it in a deeply
personal and apparently instinctive way
it has a history in other words people
around the world haven’t always fallen
in love the way they do now the point of
rehearsing a few of the telling moments
in loves history is to remind ourselves
that there are different ways of
arranging relationships depending on
what a given society happens to believe
in love is a cultural invention and we
are not at the end of its evolution we
may in fact be still only at the early
stages of the history of love we’re
still learning what we need and how we
might get more successful at love Mari
Syria 1775 BC King Zimri Lin of the
ancient city of Mari on the banks of the
Euphrates Mary’s ship to the Princess of
the neighboring kingdom of yam had far
from being the outcome of love this
marriage like that of many between
powerful people in the ancient world is
purely transactional Mari occupies a
critical position in the trade routes
between Syria and Mesopotamia and
marrying ship to will allows him reel in
to expand his wealth and power same real
ins attitude to marriage continues with
his children he marries off eight of his
daughters two rulers of neighboring
cities forcing each of his new son in
laws to sign a document pledging
themselves to him the people of mari are
in effect saying that what gives a
marriage meaning isn’t how much the
couple happened to love one another but
whether it’s beneficial in terms of
trade connections and war this is so
alien to us it’s worth reflecting on
just how much we nowadays refuse to
entertain at least in public any
practical considerations when marrying
feelings are meant to be our only load
starts and yet for thousands of years
until only a minute ago on the
historical clock it was unambiguously
meant to be only about land power and
money the notion that you should love
your spouse would have seemed plain
laughable this may have created a
collective trauma we still in flight
from bleh France
11:47 ad refer gudell the Prince of
Bligh sets
sale for Tripoli in modern-day northern
Lebanon he is off to see the Countess of
Tripoli with whom he has fallen deeply
in love Rudel is one of the earliest
known troubadours or skilled court poets
who rise to prominence in southern
France in the 12th century and write
poetry on one subject exclusively love
Rudel has written many poems in honor of
the countess and wants to write some
more in her presence
but rudel’s idea of love is very
particular and at that time dramatically
new it’s love that’s utterly divorced
from practical considerations that
doesn’t involve children money dynasties
or even any kind of reciprocation the
troubadour poets never tried to have sex
with the objects of their love their
focus is exclusively on what we would
call the infatuation or more
colloquially the crush side of love
Rudel has fallen in love with the
countess without ever having set eyes on
her pining away for his lady from
hundreds of miles away he composes and
sets to music many songs expressing
grief and joy
unfortunately he falls ill or rude to
his lady and has to be stretchered into
Tripoli where the countess hears about
him and visits him in his chamber Rudel
recovers momentarily
before dying finally at peace very
chastely
in her arms the troubadours took love
very seriously only they didn’t see it
as linked to marriage romantic love was
something you felt for someone you were
never going to do household chores with
and that may be the secret of its
intensity this kind of love was spared
too much contact with daily life Rudel
could imagine how lovely the countess of
Tripoli was without ever having to
dispute with her about the right place
to hang a tapestry or get frustrated if
she didn’t particularly want to do a
special embarrassing thing for him in
bed their love could remain pristine the
troubadours show us a historical moment
when the idea of love was not tied to
the notion of moving in together or to
the intertwining of two practical
economic and social lives using the same
toilet sharing utility bills and trying
to go on camping holidays with your
partner’s friends
Versailles France 14th of September 1745
at 6 o’clock in the evening in a move
engineered and planned for weeks
Janet Winnett press on a 23 year old
beauty from Paris rouged powdered and
wearing a black off the shoulder dress
and as the cabinet of course a
approaches King Louie the 15th and
curtsies three times this simple gesture
makes it official
Janet winnette is the king’s Midwest
declare or chief mistress and from now
on she will be known as Madame de
Pompadour
and resided court with the king the king
has by this point been married for 20
years but marriage doesn’t mean fidelity
you marry for reasons of state and you
have mistresses on the side
no one gets upset that’s just what
happens Louis the 15th has several
mistresses including 14 year-old Mary
Louise Oh Murphy who’s painted in a
famous semi pornographic painting by
Francois Boucher at Versailles in the
18th century there was an acceptance of
the imperfect fit between marriage and
love it was understood that there would
always be a tension between the two
marriage was for children practicality
and continuity love was for excitement
drama and sex one should never try to
blend the two rather than be underhand
or deceitful like many people are today
the King of France simply split love for
marriage and without shame or guilt made
his romantic attachments an organised
and public part of his life with his
Gretna Green Scotland 1st of January
1812 a couple has just got married in a
secret ceremony
John Lambton the first Earl of Durham
who is portion has land and
responsibilities and Harriet the
illegitimate daughter of the Earl of
Cholmondeley who has no money and little
social status but is very pretty are now
man and wife
their families are furious and have
tried desperately to stop the wedding
but the couple are modern which means
that they believe that in marriage love
should come first and practical
considerations second they’ve gone to
Gretna Green a village just inside
Scotland to escape English law and they
are exemplars of a new philosophy of
romanticism which privileges feeling
over reason and impulse over tradition
Romanticism transforms love the old
system of marrying for political or
economic advantage slowly crumbles
around the world the village of Gretna
Green becomes synonymous with illicit
marriages and John and Harriet are among
hundreds of English couples in the late
18th and 19th centuries who eloped there
the public appetite for stories of
Romantic descent is such that the local
priest publishes some best-selling
memoirs of his time there full of daring
coach rides across the border and the
Roth of unconsolidated
too late Gretna Green becomes an
important place because there’s a
growing belief that marriage should be
the consequence of love and that if two
people love each other that alone is
what matters
income the standing of the wider family
career and how the parents-in-law might
get on seems irrelevant and more than
that they begin to be cast not as wise
serious matters which really ought to be
taken to account but as things that
could only seem relevant to county
fathers snobbish aunts and dried-up
conventional people with no care for the
happiness of a couple mostly when we
want to do something we take advice if
we can from people who’ve done it before
Gretna Green stands for a remarkable
shift in thinking around relationships
which is still powerful today the
assumption that people who have already
had marriages are likely to be very poor
advisors and guides to the young love is
understood to be an enthusiasm not a
London England 1813 readers of Jane
Austen’s latest novel are on the edge of
their seats as Fitzwilliam Darcy
stumbles his way through a proposal to
Elizabeth Bennet his offer of marriage
promises to fix all her problems not
only is he handsome
but he’s rich and Elizabeth’s family
with four unmarried daughters to support
badly needs all the cash they can get
but Elizabeth says no Darcy for all his
gifts is also arrogant and a snob Pride
and Prejudice may suggest women marry
for money but Lizabeth actions reveal a
new and subversive belief rapidly
gaining currency in English society that
they should love the man they betrothed
themselves to it’s an idea Austen
support strongly eleven years earlier
she had herself rejected a proposal of
marriage claiming anything is to be
preferred or endured rather than
marrying without affection in her
greatest novel however things turn out
for the best
eventually after many twists and turns
and despite her lack of standing and
money Elizabeth and Darcy marry what
continues to strike readers today is
that Jane Austen is deeply concerned
about romance and about money to marry
only for money is she argues a disaster
but equally she holds that to marry only
for love is a terrible folly – in
Austen’s eyes a good marriage requires
warmth and tenderness of heart and a
strong practical worldly managerial
competence and from this Austen draws
the conclusion that few people are
actually that well suited for marriage
she’s unsurprised that many marriages
are a little hollow or a little grim
Austen’s novels depict numerous
unsatisfactory relationships and only a
few very happy ones in the early years
of the 19th century Jane Austen is
defining the wise ideal of modern love
she sees marriage as a hybrid enterprise
in some respects it’s like running a
small business or organizing a village
fete if you don’t keep track of the
practical details and don’t have quite
an efficient turn for administration
things are going to go badly wrong but
at the same time marriage is a
profoundly complex emotional encounter
and to thrive in it one needs emotional
maturity
playfulness and warmth through her
novels Jane Austen is trying to present
the reader with an education in a truly
classical way she believes we can do few
things well if we leave our performance
to nature luck and chance a happy
relationship depends on the maturity of
both parties in Pride and Prejudice both
Elizabeth Bennet and Darcy have to be
improved he has to lose his pride and
she has to shed her prejudice if they’re
to be capable of living well together
love is something we need to learn
London 24th of November 1859 it’s the
day Charles Darwin publishes the Origin
of Species
there is a huge initial resistance but
eventually much of the world is
convinced by his arguments human beings
are descended from the primates and that
means that we’ve inherited not just
their skeletal structure but also a lot
of their drives and basic psychology
Darwin’s detractors are aghast at the
implied humiliation but that’s
consolation in Darwin too because he
suggests that our inability to live up
to our ideals is not wholly our own
fault we are at any time
half Apes and for Apes to aim for
faithful life long passionate
egalitarian relationships is to attempt
to pull off something hugely difficult
starting from a very unpromising base no
wonder we often fail without
particularly intending to Darwin ashes
in a strategic and useful pessimism
about relationships rather than being
for instance essentially monogamous he
implies that human beings might by
nature at least be predisposed to as
many apes are polygamy opportunistic sex
and the dumping of one mate for another
on the basis of nothing more than their
breeding potential signaled by such
unedifying and unspiritual
characteristics as how big their breasts
are aquatic park San Francisco United
States August 1965 Jefferson Poland
wearing a flower behind his ear strips
off his swimming trunks and Wade’s naked
into the sea Poland is one of the
world’s first hippies he wears his hair
long and rejects a sophistication of
modern life for a romantic notion of
getting back to a natural state of grace
behind him and three other protesters
braving the icy cold ocean water is
cheering crowd of beatniks and
anarchists who hold up signs and chant
the phrase sexist clean
Laura’s obscene in front of a hastily
assembled group of reporters this event
is one of many organized by groups
advocating free love in the 1960s in
America they argue that society’s rules
against nudity same-sex relationships
and sex before marriage are all forms of
sexual repression soon monogamy itself
is being questioned in an enlightened
world they argue sexually liberated men
and women should just give up on
marriage and along with it jealousy
adultery and divorce
it’s a beautiful deeply romantic idea of
what love could be and it eventually
collapses into a disaster Belgium 2015
the country achieves a notorious
distinction it is the nation with the
highest rate of divorce in the developed
world and astonishing 71% of couples
will split up here a newspaper in the
country asks why and the answer comes
back clearly initial expectations were
not met other countries are not far
behind in the UK the divorce rate is 42%
in the u.s. 53% in Hungary 67% and in
Portugal 68% part of the reason lies in
the disappointment people feel with what
had apparently been promised to them by
the freewheeling 1960s and before that
by 19th century Romanticism the dream of
love survives but it disappoints
constantly at dinner tables around the
world otherwise intelligent people
complain that they simply can’t
understand the strange and tricky
subject of love the future hope for love
lies in the notion of sacrifice that is
in accepting that we won’t get
everything we want from love
relationships or marriage we’re trying
to do something highly ambitious in our
modern ideals of relationships unite sex
affection the raising of a family a
career and adequate material security we
will by necessity fail to get all of
these the idea of sacrifice though helps
us if we consider that getting half of
what we really want and need might still
be quite a lot in comparison with what
it would be like if we avoided
relationships altogether clearly a
solitary life can work out really well
for a few people but mostly we hate
living alone
the question should not be so much
whether relationships live up to our
ideal hopes of mutual happiness but
whether they are better if only a little
than not having relationships at all
the future of love needs us to get
interested in ambivalence that is in the
capacity to keep on thinking that
something is quite good even while we’re
painfully conscious of its many and striking day-to-day imperfections
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