if you were born in July August or
September raise your hand
July August and September birthdays
everybody look around whenever to look
it around to add those who have their
hands raised this is about 25% of our
audience
well the invisible reality for 25% of
women who become pregnant is that they
will lose their babies to miscarriage or
stillbirth many of these women won’t
even be aware of this shocking statistic
until they become a part of it because
unfortunately in our society pregnancy
loss is a taboo subject this lack of
discussion surrounding pregnancy loss
leaves couples suffering in silence and
here’s the thing when we have other
deaths in our lives whether it be a
friend a family member a co-worker a pet
we share that loss with others we talk
about it we post about it on social
media this results in an outpouring of
support and this support is wonderful
and necessary for us to heal and move
forward however for many couples who are
dealing with pregnancy lost that loss
since just as devastating as other
losses in our lives but they’re not
receiving the same type of support that
they need to move forward because it’s
not beautifu we need to do better I’m an
early childhood a specialist and a child
and family development instructor but my
most important job is being mommy to
these three amazing little boys Mason is
6
Cyrus is 2 and Beckett is 1 hashtag boy
ball my husband and I had a fairly
uneventful pregnancy and by the time ASA
was just a few months old we knew we
wanted more children Mason desperately
wanted a little sister when I found out
I was pregnant with Cyrus he would beg
and plead and wish and hope that the
baby would be a girl he would grow up
with lists of girls names like rosebud
and rainbow anytime he passed
girls clothing section at the story he’d
pick up the dresses that he wanted for
his future sister so I’ll never forget
what I found out what I was having and I
came down and then I sat Mason down on
the couch and I very excitedly told him
me stand the baby’s a boy he looked at
me a little cockeyed and asked it is it
a girl boy no he’s a boy boy what Mason
didn’t understand because he was too
young at the time is that you did have a
sister her name was violet and she was
stillborn in fact between the time that
Mason is 1 and I became pregnant Osiris
my husband and I had for pregnancy
losses we lost one baby at five weeks
when maybe at nine weeks when at 12 and
a half weeks and violet who is stillborn
I I haven’t had months we went through
two and a half years of hell after those
losses I knew that in order to heal and
move forward I had to do something so I
did two things
one I threw myself into researching
everything I could about pregnancy loss
at a time when I felt so out of control
it felt like researching and learning
about it was one thing I had control of
and two I began sharing my experience
and I realized that not only was I
receiving support but I was giving
support to other women too and it was
through this journey of sharing my
experience that I realized we need to
break the silence surrounding pregnancy
loss so that we can better support the
couples who are going through it during
my losses when I was in the thick of it
I felt very isolated and unsupported in
fact after every one of my losses I was
back at work at that time I really
should have been grieving I didn’t tell
anyone at work about my miscarriages
because I just didn’t feel comfortable
talking about them I was ashamed no one
else talked about their miscarriages why
is that anyway after I had piloted my
stillborn I ever networked New Era’s
perimeter so far long so I had to tell
that I have lost the baby and I’ll never
forget I delivered her on a Saturday
side now there’s nothing quite like the
feeling of walking into a hospital
pregnant and leaving the hospital empty
without your baby but I delivered her on
a Saturday and the following Tuesday I
was teaching an infant toddler
development class I’ll never forget that
night because the topic that I was
covering was pregnancy that was rough
for a long time I would talk about
violet but not my other losses I just I
was so ashamed and I didn’t want people
to know how many times I had failed it
also felt like if I only talked about
violet and not the other ones I could
pretend like they didn’t happen
and my mind could not process losing
four babies I just wanted it to all go
away but it did it if you’re not
convinced the society in general in the
United States it’s unsupportive of
pregnancy loss I want you to think about
a common practice we have here waiting
until you’re past the first trimester or
around 12 or 13 weeks to announce your
pregnancy trust me what a woman who has
been trying to get pregnant finally gets
that positive test she wants to shout it
to the world I’m having a baby
it is so difficult to wait to share this
news but we do and that’s because the
majority of miscarriages happen in the
first trimester so kind of feels like
after that point you’re out of the
danger zone so if a woman miscarries and
she hasn’t announced her pregnancy then
she also doesn’t have to tell anyone
about the miscarriage think about it
women are preparing ahead of time to
mourn in silence isolated if they lose
their babies isn’t this ludicrous there
also seems to be a misconception that an
earlier loss isn’t as big of a deal as a
later loss and this isn’t true research
shows that there’s no connection between
the gestation which is how far long my
and the amount of grief that a woman
feels what I finally started talking
about my experiences I was shocked to
discover some women in my life that had
miscarriages that I was completely
unaware of I had no idea and it was
through these conversations with these
women that I realized they had also had
to silently process the same emotions
that I had these emotions that many
women and men experienced when going
through pregnancy locks are guilt with
fear confusion heartbreak and isolation
the guilts what did I do wrong maybe I
shouldn’t have lifted me swing to the
shopping cart that day maybe it was that
cheese I ate at the dinner party last
week that cramp I felt I knew I should
have gone to the doctor maybe I didn’t
drink enough water
maybe I drink too much but what is Cudas
widows and should’ves are overwhelming
and the reality is that the vast
majority of pregnancy losses are out of
a woman’s control with 90% of first
trimester losses being caused by
chromosomal issues but that didn’t stop
me from wondering what I could’ve done
differently and it’s this guilt that
leads to the shame that surrounds
pregnancy loss the fear will I ever be
able to have another baby what’s wrong
with my body
will I ever be happy again the confusion
what what went wrong what do I do now
what test should I read what can I do
differently in the future to keep happy
where is God
I remember one question that I kept
asking myself over and over it was by me
I wanted to be a mom since I was a baby
myself
I never played with Barbies I would
spend my days taking care of baby dolls
I babysat and I was a teacher and I
opened a preschool for low-income kids
and I taught future teachers I dedicated
my life to taking care of other people’s
children
why couldn’t I take care of my own the
heartbreak my baby is gone and with her
remain hopes and dreams everywhere I
looked I saw pregnant women and babies
and every time I saw a pregnant woman or
baby my heart shattered into a million
pieces
all over again an isolation is there
enough table to have a healthy baby why
does anyone seem to understand what I’m
going through I fell into a dark hole
and isolated myself from many of my
family and friends for a while it just
felt like no one understood the depth of
my pain and so it was easier to just not
talk to anyone that it was a big smile
and pretend like everything was okay and
that wasn’t okay me isolating myself was
not okay and that’s because potentially
severe and long-term consequences can
occur when we fail to acknowledge and
discuss these emotions the men and women
are going through for example the
depression and anxiety rates among those
have had a pregnancy loss are staggering
one year after a loss 35 percent of
women are clinically depressed three
years after the loss 15 percent of women
still are you compare this to the five
percent of general female population
with clinical depression and it becomes
apparent that more needs to be done to
support them one of the most devastating
consequences of this depression the
anxiety actually affects a woman’s
future children so many people believe
and will tell the grieving mother that
if she has another baby she’ll just get
over it I hope that was true I hope that
would be the the magic here that would
make all my pain go away but research
shows in fact that having another baby
does not make the loss of a previous
pregnancy feel any better and I learned
that firsthand when I had Cyrus finally
having him after four losses proved to
be a double-edged sword on the one hand
I was so grateful for him so when I was
up for the 50th time in the middle of
the night and so tired I couldn’t see
straight
I didn’t mind myself I’d rather be awake
right rocking my living
oh wait crying because I had lost
another one on the other hand every
first with him was a painful reminder
that these were experiences and moments
that I would never have with violet or
my other angel baby that was hard
research has been done on women who have
delivered a healthy baby within 19
months of a pregnancy loss has
discovered that 45% almost half of these
infants develop the disorganized
attachment and this is a really big deal
so in a normal healthy relationship a
baby develops a secure attachment with
their mother
I miss ackers from the natural ebb and
flow of a responsive caregiver who is
emotionally available to meet their
baby’s needs so the baby cries and the
mother comforts him and the baby’s
hungry of the mother feeds him and the
baby gets into something that he’s not
supposed to be the mother responds in a
calm and developmentally appropriate way
the baby start to learn like the world
is safe they have a secure foundation
from which to grow and learn and develop
other healthy relationships in the
future on the other hand with a
disorganized attachment the caregiver
responds in very unpredictable ways
especially in stressful situations so
when the baby’s been up all night crying
or getting into something they’re not
supposed to sometimes the mother
responds appropriately but often times
of other responses frightening or
frightened ways and then the baby
doesn’t really know what to expect they
don’t feel very safe you don’t have a
secure foundation in which to grow and
develop other healthy relationships many
children and adults with the
disorganized attachment have
externalizing behaviors so they’ll deal
with stress in their life with violence
and aggression you know research has
shown that this disorganized attachment
occurs when a mother has a trauma or a
loss that has been unresolved so when
you think about it that way it makes
sense that a mother who has a pregnancy
Lawson didn’t receive the support she
needed to heal him forward but then has
another baby could potentially result in
a
organize attachment we need to do more
to support these folks and I know it can
be difficult to find the right words to
say to someone who’s going through a
pregnancy last bit there is a short list
of things that are definitely not
helpful so I’m going to give a quick
crash course in phrases to avoid we’re
talking to somebody well at least you
know you can get pregnant now you can
always have another baby can I can I
really have another baby you know that I
don’t know that remember that fear I was
talking about earlier more than ever now
I know that there’s no guarantees unless
you have a crystal ball something must
have been wrong with the pregnancy you
know so it’s probably for the best
and how does this help my kills by the
way I’d rather have my baby with
something wrong than not my baby at all
you know miscarriage is pretty common
you know it happens it’s kind of part of
the process that happens sometimes 25%
and all yeah and a hundred percent of
people die but that doesn’t make it any
needed another angel and I would have
happily handed my child over to him in
another hundred and ten years really any
silver lining on the Brightside type of
comment should be avoided because
however well-intentioned all these thing
is is that it feels like they trivialize
the loss and therein lies the problem
because there’s nothing trivial about
miscarriage or stillbirth so do those of
you who have not had a loss that may be
supporting someone through it remember
this could be your mother’s story it
could be your grandmother’s story your
heirs this could happen to your daughter
your sister your friend your coworker
maybe it already has and you’re just not
aware please know that the pain
someone’s feeling
we partially mitigated with empathy and
support treat that lost the same way you
would treat any other loss in your life
don’t be afraid to ask them at how
they’re feeling or let them know that
you’re thinking about them or their baby
trust me
baby’s not far from their minds so
bringing it up will not cause them more
pain instead it will let them know that
you recognize their grief is real and
give them the opportunity to talk and
they want to those of you who are going
through your loss or have gone to your
loss I’m sorry I know it’s hard and I
know you won’t always want to but talk
about your loss keeping that grief
hidden is it healthy for you or your
future children you are not alone and
once you start sharing your experience
you’ll find others who have gone through
some other thing you can be each other’s
support connecting with others who have
had a similar experience can be powerful
and healing join support groups online
and in-person go to a therapist don’t
ever question why you’re feeling so much
pain over the loss of someone you never
knew your loss was real and so is your
pain this may be one of the most
difficult things you go through but you
will regain a sense of normalcy for me I
have learned that the four babies I’ve
lost is part of my story and well it is
the most difficult thing that I’ve ever
had to endure I was able to heal and
move forward by finally finding the
strength to make my reality visible to
help myself heal and help others as well
I choose to share my experience whenever
appropriate in whatever way possible
when I went in person and in online
support groups and by being
today I hope others who are suffering in
silence will benefit by doing the same
and because of what we’ve gone through
my husband and I are so grateful for the
three boys that we do have and we Church
are days that are filled with stinky
feet
wrestling and new song renditions like
twinkle twinkle little part but are also some bugs
September raise your hand
July August and September birthdays
everybody look around whenever to look
it around to add those who have their
hands raised this is about 25% of our
audience
well the invisible reality for 25% of
women who become pregnant is that they
will lose their babies to miscarriage or
stillbirth many of these women won’t
even be aware of this shocking statistic
until they become a part of it because
unfortunately in our society pregnancy
loss is a taboo subject this lack of
discussion surrounding pregnancy loss
leaves couples suffering in silence and
here’s the thing when we have other
deaths in our lives whether it be a
friend a family member a co-worker a pet
we share that loss with others we talk
about it we post about it on social
media this results in an outpouring of
support and this support is wonderful
and necessary for us to heal and move
forward however for many couples who are
dealing with pregnancy lost that loss
since just as devastating as other
losses in our lives but they’re not
receiving the same type of support that
they need to move forward because it’s
not beautifu we need to do better I’m an
early childhood a specialist and a child
and family development instructor but my
most important job is being mommy to
these three amazing little boys Mason is
6
Cyrus is 2 and Beckett is 1 hashtag boy
ball my husband and I had a fairly
uneventful pregnancy and by the time ASA
was just a few months old we knew we
wanted more children Mason desperately
wanted a little sister when I found out
I was pregnant with Cyrus he would beg
and plead and wish and hope that the
baby would be a girl he would grow up
with lists of girls names like rosebud
and rainbow anytime he passed
girls clothing section at the story he’d
pick up the dresses that he wanted for
his future sister so I’ll never forget
what I found out what I was having and I
came down and then I sat Mason down on
the couch and I very excitedly told him
me stand the baby’s a boy he looked at
me a little cockeyed and asked it is it
a girl boy no he’s a boy boy what Mason
didn’t understand because he was too
young at the time is that you did have a
sister her name was violet and she was
stillborn in fact between the time that
Mason is 1 and I became pregnant Osiris
my husband and I had for pregnancy
losses we lost one baby at five weeks
when maybe at nine weeks when at 12 and
a half weeks and violet who is stillborn
I I haven’t had months we went through
two and a half years of hell after those
losses I knew that in order to heal and
move forward I had to do something so I
did two things
one I threw myself into researching
everything I could about pregnancy loss
at a time when I felt so out of control
it felt like researching and learning
about it was one thing I had control of
and two I began sharing my experience
and I realized that not only was I
receiving support but I was giving
support to other women too and it was
through this journey of sharing my
experience that I realized we need to
break the silence surrounding pregnancy
loss so that we can better support the
couples who are going through it during
my losses when I was in the thick of it
I felt very isolated and unsupported in
fact after every one of my losses I was
back at work at that time I really
should have been grieving I didn’t tell
anyone at work about my miscarriages
because I just didn’t feel comfortable
talking about them I was ashamed no one
else talked about their miscarriages why
is that anyway after I had piloted my
stillborn I ever networked New Era’s
perimeter so far long so I had to tell
that I have lost the baby and I’ll never
forget I delivered her on a Saturday
side now there’s nothing quite like the
feeling of walking into a hospital
pregnant and leaving the hospital empty
without your baby but I delivered her on
a Saturday and the following Tuesday I
was teaching an infant toddler
development class I’ll never forget that
night because the topic that I was
covering was pregnancy that was rough
for a long time I would talk about
violet but not my other losses I just I
was so ashamed and I didn’t want people
to know how many times I had failed it
also felt like if I only talked about
violet and not the other ones I could
pretend like they didn’t happen
and my mind could not process losing
four babies I just wanted it to all go
away but it did it if you’re not
convinced the society in general in the
United States it’s unsupportive of
pregnancy loss I want you to think about
a common practice we have here waiting
until you’re past the first trimester or
around 12 or 13 weeks to announce your
pregnancy trust me what a woman who has
been trying to get pregnant finally gets
that positive test she wants to shout it
to the world I’m having a baby
it is so difficult to wait to share this
news but we do and that’s because the
majority of miscarriages happen in the
first trimester so kind of feels like
after that point you’re out of the
danger zone so if a woman miscarries and
she hasn’t announced her pregnancy then
she also doesn’t have to tell anyone
about the miscarriage think about it
women are preparing ahead of time to
mourn in silence isolated if they lose
their babies isn’t this ludicrous there
also seems to be a misconception that an
earlier loss isn’t as big of a deal as a
later loss and this isn’t true research
shows that there’s no connection between
the gestation which is how far long my
and the amount of grief that a woman
feels what I finally started talking
about my experiences I was shocked to
discover some women in my life that had
miscarriages that I was completely
unaware of I had no idea and it was
through these conversations with these
women that I realized they had also had
to silently process the same emotions
that I had these emotions that many
women and men experienced when going
through pregnancy locks are guilt with
fear confusion heartbreak and isolation
the guilts what did I do wrong maybe I
shouldn’t have lifted me swing to the
shopping cart that day maybe it was that
cheese I ate at the dinner party last
week that cramp I felt I knew I should
have gone to the doctor maybe I didn’t
drink enough water
maybe I drink too much but what is Cudas
widows and should’ves are overwhelming
and the reality is that the vast
majority of pregnancy losses are out of
a woman’s control with 90% of first
trimester losses being caused by
chromosomal issues but that didn’t stop
me from wondering what I could’ve done
differently and it’s this guilt that
leads to the shame that surrounds
pregnancy loss the fear will I ever be
able to have another baby what’s wrong
with my body
will I ever be happy again the confusion
what what went wrong what do I do now
what test should I read what can I do
differently in the future to keep happy
where is God
I remember one question that I kept
asking myself over and over it was by me
I wanted to be a mom since I was a baby
myself
I never played with Barbies I would
spend my days taking care of baby dolls
I babysat and I was a teacher and I
opened a preschool for low-income kids
and I taught future teachers I dedicated
my life to taking care of other people’s
children
why couldn’t I take care of my own the
heartbreak my baby is gone and with her
remain hopes and dreams everywhere I
looked I saw pregnant women and babies
and every time I saw a pregnant woman or
baby my heart shattered into a million
pieces
all over again an isolation is there
enough table to have a healthy baby why
does anyone seem to understand what I’m
going through I fell into a dark hole
and isolated myself from many of my
family and friends for a while it just
felt like no one understood the depth of
my pain and so it was easier to just not
talk to anyone that it was a big smile
and pretend like everything was okay and
that wasn’t okay me isolating myself was
not okay and that’s because potentially
severe and long-term consequences can
occur when we fail to acknowledge and
discuss these emotions the men and women
are going through for example the
depression and anxiety rates among those
have had a pregnancy loss are staggering
one year after a loss 35 percent of
women are clinically depressed three
years after the loss 15 percent of women
still are you compare this to the five
percent of general female population
with clinical depression and it becomes
apparent that more needs to be done to
support them one of the most devastating
consequences of this depression the
anxiety actually affects a woman’s
future children so many people believe
and will tell the grieving mother that
if she has another baby she’ll just get
over it I hope that was true I hope that
would be the the magic here that would
make all my pain go away but research
shows in fact that having another baby
does not make the loss of a previous
pregnancy feel any better and I learned
that firsthand when I had Cyrus finally
having him after four losses proved to
be a double-edged sword on the one hand
I was so grateful for him so when I was
up for the 50th time in the middle of
the night and so tired I couldn’t see
straight
I didn’t mind myself I’d rather be awake
right rocking my living
oh wait crying because I had lost
another one on the other hand every
first with him was a painful reminder
that these were experiences and moments
that I would never have with violet or
my other angel baby that was hard
research has been done on women who have
delivered a healthy baby within 19
months of a pregnancy loss has
discovered that 45% almost half of these
infants develop the disorganized
attachment and this is a really big deal
so in a normal healthy relationship a
baby develops a secure attachment with
their mother
I miss ackers from the natural ebb and
flow of a responsive caregiver who is
emotionally available to meet their
baby’s needs so the baby cries and the
mother comforts him and the baby’s
hungry of the mother feeds him and the
baby gets into something that he’s not
supposed to be the mother responds in a
calm and developmentally appropriate way
the baby start to learn like the world
is safe they have a secure foundation
from which to grow and learn and develop
other healthy relationships in the
future on the other hand with a
disorganized attachment the caregiver
responds in very unpredictable ways
especially in stressful situations so
when the baby’s been up all night crying
or getting into something they’re not
supposed to sometimes the mother
responds appropriately but often times
of other responses frightening or
frightened ways and then the baby
doesn’t really know what to expect they
don’t feel very safe you don’t have a
secure foundation in which to grow and
develop other healthy relationships many
children and adults with the
disorganized attachment have
externalizing behaviors so they’ll deal
with stress in their life with violence
and aggression you know research has
shown that this disorganized attachment
occurs when a mother has a trauma or a
loss that has been unresolved so when
you think about it that way it makes
sense that a mother who has a pregnancy
Lawson didn’t receive the support she
needed to heal him forward but then has
another baby could potentially result in
a
organize attachment we need to do more
to support these folks and I know it can
be difficult to find the right words to
say to someone who’s going through a
pregnancy last bit there is a short list
of things that are definitely not
helpful so I’m going to give a quick
crash course in phrases to avoid we’re
talking to somebody well at least you
know you can get pregnant now you can
always have another baby can I can I
really have another baby you know that I
don’t know that remember that fear I was
talking about earlier more than ever now
I know that there’s no guarantees unless
you have a crystal ball something must
have been wrong with the pregnancy you
know so it’s probably for the best
and how does this help my kills by the
way I’d rather have my baby with
something wrong than not my baby at all
you know miscarriage is pretty common
you know it happens it’s kind of part of
the process that happens sometimes 25%
and all yeah and a hundred percent of
people die but that doesn’t make it any
needed another angel and I would have
happily handed my child over to him in
another hundred and ten years really any
silver lining on the Brightside type of
comment should be avoided because
however well-intentioned all these thing
is is that it feels like they trivialize
the loss and therein lies the problem
because there’s nothing trivial about
miscarriage or stillbirth so do those of
you who have not had a loss that may be
supporting someone through it remember
this could be your mother’s story it
could be your grandmother’s story your
heirs this could happen to your daughter
your sister your friend your coworker
maybe it already has and you’re just not
aware please know that the pain
someone’s feeling
we partially mitigated with empathy and
support treat that lost the same way you
would treat any other loss in your life
don’t be afraid to ask them at how
they’re feeling or let them know that
you’re thinking about them or their baby
trust me
baby’s not far from their minds so
bringing it up will not cause them more
pain instead it will let them know that
you recognize their grief is real and
give them the opportunity to talk and
they want to those of you who are going
through your loss or have gone to your
loss I’m sorry I know it’s hard and I
know you won’t always want to but talk
about your loss keeping that grief
hidden is it healthy for you or your
future children you are not alone and
once you start sharing your experience
you’ll find others who have gone through
some other thing you can be each other’s
support connecting with others who have
had a similar experience can be powerful
and healing join support groups online
and in-person go to a therapist don’t
ever question why you’re feeling so much
pain over the loss of someone you never
knew your loss was real and so is your
pain this may be one of the most
difficult things you go through but you
will regain a sense of normalcy for me I
have learned that the four babies I’ve
lost is part of my story and well it is
the most difficult thing that I’ve ever
had to endure I was able to heal and
move forward by finally finding the
strength to make my reality visible to
help myself heal and help others as well
I choose to share my experience whenever
appropriate in whatever way possible
when I went in person and in online
support groups and by being
today I hope others who are suffering in
silence will benefit by doing the same
and because of what we’ve gone through
my husband and I are so grateful for the
three boys that we do have and we Church
are days that are filled with stinky
feet
wrestling and new song renditions like
twinkle twinkle little part but are also some bugs
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