what have I come to in my life
why can’t I be happy why can’t I fix
this
I can’t bear living miles in my own skin
anymore these were the thoughts that
went through my head as tears streamed
down my face into this pill bottle
it was very uncharacteristic of myself
to give up on sports academics family
life but here I was throwing in the
towel to my own life I didn’t feel like
myself anymore I liked to curiosity for
life that I’ve had my entire life I was
unmotivated to do anything I had a
let’s rewind three years back I was
walking back from the Brandeis Business
School and I gazed into the Schurmann
dining hall the lights were off as I
peered in I felt a clench in my chest a
foreign clench I never felt it before so
I went into a panic I called my
girlfriend at the time she told me to
take a walk so I did I went outside I
gazed up at the stars
I took some deep breaths I lied down in
the grass and then took a nice long look
at the moon nothing helped my mind was
in a downward spiral that night I toss
and turn I couldn’t fall asleep the next
month was spending an extreme discomfort
I’d call my dad every 15 minutes saying
I can’t do this anymore
take me out of school I can’t stand this
he said you’ve done it before kid just
do it again and so I tried I tried to
put my head down but it wasn’t working
this time my friends and girlfriend that
time tried to be there for me it’s time
that I say now thank you
thank you for trying I genuinely
appreciate it but at the time this is
what I heard I do not know how to help
you even just snap out of it you are
choosing to feel this way I do not want
to kiss you because you are emotionally
unstable luckily I just support system
outside of Brandeis by my side my family
my friends and I drew a picture and I
want to share with you here today this
is a tree with roots of varying sizes
depending on how strongly supported I
felt or loved as you can see here my mom
and dad make up two of the biggest roots
there’s my sports psychologist so my
therapist my teammates from here at
Brandeis and my siblings along with two
good friends these people gave me the
love I needed to root me down and why
did I pick a cheat a tree you may ask
he’s a tree can withstand a storm only
if its roots are firmly grounded they
gave me that sense of grounding with
their love ask me ask me about the power
well I wasn’t easy
we are all loved in this world and we
all deserve to be loved
but sometimes it’s hard to provide that
love to someone with a mental health
issue because there’s a lack of
education out there we have sex ed
courses we have core curriculum courses
we have these huge protests about racism
and about gun control but we fail to
raise awareness about mental health also
as a friend it’s really hard to be
empathetic for someone who’s going
through something if you’ve never been
through it yourself and that’s what
happened with me so I asked you to ask
yourself what would you say to someone
with a broken ankle I do not know how to
cure ligaments Ethan just run out of it
you chose to break it I do not want to
we are more compassionate about ankles
than we are about emotional disorders
and an ankle can’t even kill you while
luckily I had my mom there to take care
of my mental ankle
that’s summer in New York but a month
passed by and I realize I need a change
of scenery so I flew down to Florida
there I began to train at tennis academy
I thought it helped me cope with my
depression my anxiety I also met a
psychiatrist one that helped me take the
first concrete step towards helping
myself towards solving my own personal
silent epidemic at the time I didn’t
know what was going on with me I know I
was going through my first bout of
depression so I didn’t really know what
to do and the reason I didn’t seek help
was because I had a fear of
vulnerability and the question begs are
different where did this fear come from
this stigma the stigma against
medication and the stigma against
therapy the word antidepressant has a
negative connotation when I first heard
it I thought that’s for loonies that’s
for wackos that’s not me therapists are
referred to as shrinks a shrink
what’s that I scoff when I first heard
that word it made no sense to me lastly
our society fosters perfection from a
young age we are raised
we’re pat on the back for everything
told that everything’s gonna be okay
have huge dreams and sometimes that’s
sometimes that is just not the case
things do not come out perfect and and
then I had two options to how and then i
alright no question was so how do I
overcome this how do I overcome this
stigma and I had two options to kill
myself or to live with Who I am
I chose the ladder there was a tipping
point when I was down in Florida and I
closed my eyes to go to sleep I saw
flashes of a knife to my wrist luckily
my family was there at the edge of that
bed to cry on also my family was help
was there to help me understand that my
issues were also due to a chemical
imbalance that was hereditary hey thanks
mom and dad an issue that’s hereditary I
have a serotonin deficiency
serotonin is the neurotransmitter in
your brain that is responsible for
well-being and happiness my sister has a
deficiency my brother has a deficiency
and so do many in my bloodline it also
helped to know that I’m not alone in
this struggle did you know that
antidepressants are the number one
classification of prescription drugs
handed out each year in the United
States how about this one for people do
not suffer from diabetes cancer or heart
disease but one in four people do have a
major depressive episode
these cold hard facts help me understand
that I need to do something about it and
start with this pill well it wasn’t
exactly this pill
it was lexapro another SSRI
antidepressant and
remember that night my dad had to come
into the room he’s I was crying over the
pill bottle and he said and yes he you
take it and so I did now gave him a big
loud uh when I was done and we hugged
well then taking the pill I began to
seek therapy religiously twice a week in
fact and I also started committing to
what I loved tennis mindfulness such as
meditation and yoga and I began to
accept that failure is part of life a
true testament to someone’s well-being
is the level of their emotional
resilience to lose it to fail serve the
same purpose in my eyes as fuel for that
engine inside you to improve enough to
overcome your largest demons that’s
sophomore fall I had one of the best
Falls here at Brandeis things were going
great I stay consistent with my
meditation practice I was taking care of
myself I surrounded myself with the
right people and made the right
decisions my tennis as a result I had
the best results of my life at the
Middlebury Invitational up in Vermont
there I had one of the best runs of my
life and it wasn’t due to the fact that
I was and for them it was a unique
purpose I had in that tournament it
wasn’t to win or to prove anything
anymore
but rather it was for all of them all
those people that stood by my side we’re
now struggling the most they gave me
that fuel to track down one more ball
and one that when that last ball landed
out from my opponent tears formed in my
eyes my coach came over and said I’m
proud of you but those tears
I want to know wasn’t because of the
results it was because I was genuinely
happy and content on and off the court
for the first time in my life I felt
supported grounded and like myself
everything was going dandy the semester
was going great and there it goes Ethan
walking down the street
and a great semester here at Brandeis
and he makes a boneheaded decision I
stopped taking my medication without the
supervision of a psychiatrist that the
recommendation of a therapist little did
I know there’s such a thing as SSRI
withdrawal or that you could have a
major relapse oh and boy oh boy did it
bite me in the butt I rely relapse bad
the anxiety spiraled out of control I no
control over my emotions anymore I seek
a psychiatrist who just plugged in a ton
of medications because I exuberant a
sense of urgency and I lost my self
morals right out the window
irresponsible decisions bring it on and
how did I decide to cope with my
clenching my chest for my anxiety
alcohol and marijuana usage the rise in
awareness could have helped me how to
have a better response to this so I’m
going to pose a couple of ideas for our
society 1 why don’t we have
professionals come into elementary
schools to educate about South care I
saw a video about a month ago I met a
teacher who took her students through a
meditation practice every day for 10
minutes another idea is let’s unveil the
elephant in the room it’s a pretty big
issue
let’s stop hiding away from it and the
last one it’s gonna take a lot of
commitment in a communal effort
let’s make therapy and medication more
accessible for everyone here in this
world now medication can do a lot but
change must come from within so you got
take a real hard look in the mirror
sometimes and say do I need help what
resources do I have what are my next
that summer summer after the sophomore
spring when would have been my sophomore
spring oh and I was sorry and I was
honest with myself
I signed the papers to take a leave from
Brandeis University that’s what I
realized I needed to get regrouped
personally I was out of whack
morally out of whack and medication wise
don’t even get me started so I took the
leave and within that first week of
being home I received over 20 text
messages from different students at this
university saying something lines of hi
my name is X and I struggled from why
I’m really proud of you for doing this
or hey my name is a and I shall go from
be near a true inspiration to me I wish
the summer after what would have been my
sophomore spring I really went hardcore
on finding the right medication that I
needed and I met a new Thayer
psychiatrist see this psychiatrist it’s
not like any other psychiatrist he asked
me if I wanted to juggle machetes with
him at the end of one of our sessions I
politely declined I also trained in
tennis and a dream also came true I got
a job as a sports psychologist I ended
up having to name my own company
mind-body install mental peak
performance training go figure this fall
semester came around and I decided to
enroll in classes at SUNY Purchase
because I couldn’t come back to Brandeis
yet there I learned a lot I had
stimulating classes great professors and
it was nice being home with my dog on
the couch sometimes to watch a Knicks
miss this place
I miss my coaches my teammates students
the challenge here at Brandeis I miss
the Brandeis community so I finally got
the opportunity to come back
and leading up to that comeback I had so
much anxiety I was scared to come back
to the place that caused me so much
but I took the steps I needed to get
comfortable with the uncomfortable
I found another therapist and this
therapist instead of inviting me to
juggle machetes he told me the value of
drinking one good beer versus drinking a
lot of bad beer and you know what mark
is this for you this sip of Sunshine’s
for you but on a serious note thanks
thanks for all the cognitive behavioral
therapy some people ask me how was
abroad and I said hey abroad was great
if you mean my house my dogs doing great
my mom’s a great cook but I know I took
a leave oh my gosh I’m so sorry no it’s
okay I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to bring
it up you don’t to talk about hey we can
talk about if you want cuz this this is
me if an employer’s not gonna hire me
due to my mental health issues they
don’t deserve me if a girl is not gonna
date me because I have an anxiety
disorder you’re not the one for me
hey grad school if you’re gonna look at
the big four w’s on my transcript and
say ah you’re not accepted go right
ahead
cuz this is me and I love Who I am
and Here I am getting my first ever TED
talk on this stage I am NOT my
depression I am NOT my anxiety I am
perfectly imperfect and I am still
making adjustments on to this day some
people ask me how’d you do it
the simple answer was
I made the right choices as my co-chair
uprightness says I’m on a mission so
what’s your mission what do you want out
of life and whatever that may be
I want you to pursue that mission and
while doing so don’t compare yourself to
others and prioritize yourself because
you you’re important to me I’m really
because it’s giving me the opportunity
of a lifetime to make a change
in the mental health field and by the
time and if by the time I take my last
breath and the stigma has not diminished
I can confidently say I have come up
short in my lifetime thank you
[Applause]
[Music] you
why can’t I be happy why can’t I fix
this
I can’t bear living miles in my own skin
anymore these were the thoughts that
went through my head as tears streamed
down my face into this pill bottle
it was very uncharacteristic of myself
to give up on sports academics family
life but here I was throwing in the
towel to my own life I didn’t feel like
myself anymore I liked to curiosity for
life that I’ve had my entire life I was
unmotivated to do anything I had a
let’s rewind three years back I was
walking back from the Brandeis Business
School and I gazed into the Schurmann
dining hall the lights were off as I
peered in I felt a clench in my chest a
foreign clench I never felt it before so
I went into a panic I called my
girlfriend at the time she told me to
take a walk so I did I went outside I
gazed up at the stars
I took some deep breaths I lied down in
the grass and then took a nice long look
at the moon nothing helped my mind was
in a downward spiral that night I toss
and turn I couldn’t fall asleep the next
month was spending an extreme discomfort
I’d call my dad every 15 minutes saying
I can’t do this anymore
take me out of school I can’t stand this
he said you’ve done it before kid just
do it again and so I tried I tried to
put my head down but it wasn’t working
this time my friends and girlfriend that
time tried to be there for me it’s time
that I say now thank you
thank you for trying I genuinely
appreciate it but at the time this is
what I heard I do not know how to help
you even just snap out of it you are
choosing to feel this way I do not want
to kiss you because you are emotionally
unstable luckily I just support system
outside of Brandeis by my side my family
my friends and I drew a picture and I
want to share with you here today this
is a tree with roots of varying sizes
depending on how strongly supported I
felt or loved as you can see here my mom
and dad make up two of the biggest roots
there’s my sports psychologist so my
therapist my teammates from here at
Brandeis and my siblings along with two
good friends these people gave me the
love I needed to root me down and why
did I pick a cheat a tree you may ask
he’s a tree can withstand a storm only
if its roots are firmly grounded they
gave me that sense of grounding with
their love ask me ask me about the power
well I wasn’t easy
we are all loved in this world and we
all deserve to be loved
but sometimes it’s hard to provide that
love to someone with a mental health
issue because there’s a lack of
education out there we have sex ed
courses we have core curriculum courses
we have these huge protests about racism
and about gun control but we fail to
raise awareness about mental health also
as a friend it’s really hard to be
empathetic for someone who’s going
through something if you’ve never been
through it yourself and that’s what
happened with me so I asked you to ask
yourself what would you say to someone
with a broken ankle I do not know how to
cure ligaments Ethan just run out of it
you chose to break it I do not want to
we are more compassionate about ankles
than we are about emotional disorders
and an ankle can’t even kill you while
luckily I had my mom there to take care
of my mental ankle
that’s summer in New York but a month
passed by and I realize I need a change
of scenery so I flew down to Florida
there I began to train at tennis academy
I thought it helped me cope with my
depression my anxiety I also met a
psychiatrist one that helped me take the
first concrete step towards helping
myself towards solving my own personal
silent epidemic at the time I didn’t
know what was going on with me I know I
was going through my first bout of
depression so I didn’t really know what
to do and the reason I didn’t seek help
was because I had a fear of
vulnerability and the question begs are
different where did this fear come from
this stigma the stigma against
medication and the stigma against
therapy the word antidepressant has a
negative connotation when I first heard
it I thought that’s for loonies that’s
for wackos that’s not me therapists are
referred to as shrinks a shrink
what’s that I scoff when I first heard
that word it made no sense to me lastly
our society fosters perfection from a
young age we are raised
we’re pat on the back for everything
told that everything’s gonna be okay
have huge dreams and sometimes that’s
sometimes that is just not the case
things do not come out perfect and and
then I had two options to how and then i
alright no question was so how do I
overcome this how do I overcome this
stigma and I had two options to kill
myself or to live with Who I am
I chose the ladder there was a tipping
point when I was down in Florida and I
closed my eyes to go to sleep I saw
flashes of a knife to my wrist luckily
my family was there at the edge of that
bed to cry on also my family was help
was there to help me understand that my
issues were also due to a chemical
imbalance that was hereditary hey thanks
mom and dad an issue that’s hereditary I
have a serotonin deficiency
serotonin is the neurotransmitter in
your brain that is responsible for
well-being and happiness my sister has a
deficiency my brother has a deficiency
and so do many in my bloodline it also
helped to know that I’m not alone in
this struggle did you know that
antidepressants are the number one
classification of prescription drugs
handed out each year in the United
States how about this one for people do
not suffer from diabetes cancer or heart
disease but one in four people do have a
major depressive episode
these cold hard facts help me understand
that I need to do something about it and
start with this pill well it wasn’t
exactly this pill
it was lexapro another SSRI
antidepressant and
remember that night my dad had to come
into the room he’s I was crying over the
pill bottle and he said and yes he you
take it and so I did now gave him a big
loud uh when I was done and we hugged
well then taking the pill I began to
seek therapy religiously twice a week in
fact and I also started committing to
what I loved tennis mindfulness such as
meditation and yoga and I began to
accept that failure is part of life a
true testament to someone’s well-being
is the level of their emotional
resilience to lose it to fail serve the
same purpose in my eyes as fuel for that
engine inside you to improve enough to
overcome your largest demons that’s
sophomore fall I had one of the best
Falls here at Brandeis things were going
great I stay consistent with my
meditation practice I was taking care of
myself I surrounded myself with the
right people and made the right
decisions my tennis as a result I had
the best results of my life at the
Middlebury Invitational up in Vermont
there I had one of the best runs of my
life and it wasn’t due to the fact that
I was and for them it was a unique
purpose I had in that tournament it
wasn’t to win or to prove anything
anymore
but rather it was for all of them all
those people that stood by my side we’re
now struggling the most they gave me
that fuel to track down one more ball
and one that when that last ball landed
out from my opponent tears formed in my
eyes my coach came over and said I’m
proud of you but those tears
I want to know wasn’t because of the
results it was because I was genuinely
happy and content on and off the court
for the first time in my life I felt
supported grounded and like myself
everything was going dandy the semester
was going great and there it goes Ethan
walking down the street
and a great semester here at Brandeis
and he makes a boneheaded decision I
stopped taking my medication without the
supervision of a psychiatrist that the
recommendation of a therapist little did
I know there’s such a thing as SSRI
withdrawal or that you could have a
major relapse oh and boy oh boy did it
bite me in the butt I rely relapse bad
the anxiety spiraled out of control I no
control over my emotions anymore I seek
a psychiatrist who just plugged in a ton
of medications because I exuberant a
sense of urgency and I lost my self
morals right out the window
irresponsible decisions bring it on and
how did I decide to cope with my
clenching my chest for my anxiety
alcohol and marijuana usage the rise in
awareness could have helped me how to
have a better response to this so I’m
going to pose a couple of ideas for our
society 1 why don’t we have
professionals come into elementary
schools to educate about South care I
saw a video about a month ago I met a
teacher who took her students through a
meditation practice every day for 10
minutes another idea is let’s unveil the
elephant in the room it’s a pretty big
issue
let’s stop hiding away from it and the
last one it’s gonna take a lot of
commitment in a communal effort
let’s make therapy and medication more
accessible for everyone here in this
world now medication can do a lot but
change must come from within so you got
take a real hard look in the mirror
sometimes and say do I need help what
resources do I have what are my next
that summer summer after the sophomore
spring when would have been my sophomore
spring oh and I was sorry and I was
honest with myself
I signed the papers to take a leave from
Brandeis University that’s what I
realized I needed to get regrouped
personally I was out of whack
morally out of whack and medication wise
don’t even get me started so I took the
leave and within that first week of
being home I received over 20 text
messages from different students at this
university saying something lines of hi
my name is X and I struggled from why
I’m really proud of you for doing this
or hey my name is a and I shall go from
be near a true inspiration to me I wish
the summer after what would have been my
sophomore spring I really went hardcore
on finding the right medication that I
needed and I met a new Thayer
psychiatrist see this psychiatrist it’s
not like any other psychiatrist he asked
me if I wanted to juggle machetes with
him at the end of one of our sessions I
politely declined I also trained in
tennis and a dream also came true I got
a job as a sports psychologist I ended
up having to name my own company
mind-body install mental peak
performance training go figure this fall
semester came around and I decided to
enroll in classes at SUNY Purchase
because I couldn’t come back to Brandeis
yet there I learned a lot I had
stimulating classes great professors and
it was nice being home with my dog on
the couch sometimes to watch a Knicks
miss this place
I miss my coaches my teammates students
the challenge here at Brandeis I miss
the Brandeis community so I finally got
the opportunity to come back
and leading up to that comeback I had so
much anxiety I was scared to come back
to the place that caused me so much
but I took the steps I needed to get
comfortable with the uncomfortable
I found another therapist and this
therapist instead of inviting me to
juggle machetes he told me the value of
drinking one good beer versus drinking a
lot of bad beer and you know what mark
is this for you this sip of Sunshine’s
for you but on a serious note thanks
thanks for all the cognitive behavioral
therapy some people ask me how was
abroad and I said hey abroad was great
if you mean my house my dogs doing great
my mom’s a great cook but I know I took
a leave oh my gosh I’m so sorry no it’s
okay I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to bring
it up you don’t to talk about hey we can
talk about if you want cuz this this is
me if an employer’s not gonna hire me
due to my mental health issues they
don’t deserve me if a girl is not gonna
date me because I have an anxiety
disorder you’re not the one for me
hey grad school if you’re gonna look at
the big four w’s on my transcript and
say ah you’re not accepted go right
ahead
cuz this is me and I love Who I am
and Here I am getting my first ever TED
talk on this stage I am NOT my
depression I am NOT my anxiety I am
perfectly imperfect and I am still
making adjustments on to this day some
people ask me how’d you do it
the simple answer was
I made the right choices as my co-chair
uprightness says I’m on a mission so
what’s your mission what do you want out
of life and whatever that may be
I want you to pursue that mission and
while doing so don’t compare yourself to
others and prioritize yourself because
you you’re important to me I’m really
because it’s giving me the opportunity
of a lifetime to make a change
in the mental health field and by the
time and if by the time I take my last
breath and the stigma has not diminished
I can confidently say I have come up
short in my lifetime thank you
[Applause]
[Music] you
Please follow and like us: