the question that I’ve been followed
around with for the majority of my life
and for most people it’s probably a
preposterous question that they wouldn’t
imagine that strangers on the street
would just come up and ask them little
children sometimes would make comments
and that’s not a big deal but it’s more
so the adults that would really just not
be able to let go of this concept of
needing to know what my biology is and
therein is why the question is so
shocking to me they’re not actually
asking what my gender identity it is
they’re asking what I was assigned at
Birth they’re asking what my physical
parts are which when you think about it
is a really creepy question so I’m gonna
go over a little bit about what we’re
talking about when it comes to gender
and it’s not just your biology gender
has many levels and on each one of these
levels it’s a continuum you could fall
anywhere on that continuum from one end
to the other or anywhere in between and
it does start with your biological sex
which is what you’re assigned at birth
when you came out and the doctor said
it’s a boy it’s a girl based on your
biology now you could be on one end and
be male you could be on the other end to
be female or you could fall in the
middle and you could be intersex and
there are over 27 different ways that
people could be intersex and fall in
between the actual biology of what’s
male and what’s female on the next level
down is gender identity and this is
actually how you feel on the inside how
you identify on the one end is men on
the other end is woman and then in
between are folks like myself we
identify as non-binary sometimes they
use the term gender fluid or genderqueer
which I think sometimes makes people
cringe because the word queer is still a
little bit on the brink of a lot of
people thinking that is derogatory term
I used to refer to myself before I knew
any of this terminology as a gender
bender I just thought it sounded me kind
of rond it was kind of a funny little
thing and I would make jokes and I would
say to my co-workers yes it’s me I’m
here I’m your official gender bender at
your service underneath that is gender
expression and that’s what you’re
showing to the world now the way I
present myself to the world is on the
more masculine
of the spectrum but still closer to the
middle so there’s masculine on one end –
feminine on the other and all kinds of
levels of androgyny in between
underneath that is gender presentation
and this is the thing that I have no
control over whatsoever that’s how I’m
being perceived by the outside world so
even though I’m presenting myself in a
more masculine way that’s not always
what’s perceived I’ve had instances
where I’ve been sitting in restaurants
with my wife and people are staring and
they’re whispering or they’re pointing
or they’re looking it’s obvious they’re
talking and a lot of times I can take
that with a grain of salt I’m not even
really noticed but there are other times
where I really just want to turn around
and say if you have a burning question
would you please just ask it so we could
all move on with our day that would be
great so gender presentation is sort of
one of those levels that I wish I had a
little bit more control of and I don’t
really have the time to walk around
addressing every single person in the
room and saying this is what I want you
to see so I just let people see what
they want and go on about their day it’s
fine with me I’m not bothered if you see
me as female I’m not bothered if you see
me as male because I exist right in that
gray area in the middle of feeling like
I don’t explicitly subscribe to one end
or the other when it comes to that
continuum and on the last level of
sexual orientation and this of course is
who you have feelings for who you like
or love and again that’s a spectrum you
could be attracted to women you could be
attracted to men you could be bisexual
you could be pansexual and that has
nothing to do at all with how you
identify yourself gender wise each one
of these levels are completely
independent they’re not in any way
involved with the other levels you can
be on one end or the other end of any
one of these are in the middle and
they’re not really related to each other
so that’s just sort of the background on
this whole idea and now I’m going to
take you through my gender journey so
that’s me I’m about two years old maybe
closer to three I was really obsessed
with rainbows completely coincidental by
the way nothing to do with the fact that
I’m gay and when I came out my mother
was shocked and surprised and she like
couldn’t believe it and then I look
bacchanal these childhood photos and
everything is covered in rainbows and
I’m just like mom you didn’t do that to
me I picked those things out we’re Clues
along the way maybe a little bit there I
am I’m about five years old there and at
about that age I was completely obsessed
with dresses I had to wear a dress every
single day I had a specific favorite one
it was pink it had a panda on it and my
mother had to wash it every single day
because it’s the only thing I would wear
and I would always joke around with her
and say mom see a person is only given
so many days in their life that they
want to wear a dress I just used all
mine up in one year and then I was spent
I’m about ten years old here and this
was the year that our around that time I
begged my mother to let me cut my hair I
think everybody in the early 90s had
some version of that bowl cut and I
thought it was so awesome because now I
didn’t have all this kind of hair
getting in the way I was really into
soccer and I wanted to play all the
sports that boys played and people would
actually ask me do you just want to be a
boy and I used to look them squarely in
the face and say I do not want to be a
boy but I want to be treated like one
and now looking back on that it’s
interesting that at that time and at
such young age I was noticing the
differences in how boys were treated and
perceived versus girls I was constantly
being told that I couldn’t do all these
things that I really wanted to do
because girls don’t do that want to play
with Legos they’re not for girls I want
to play hockey
that’s not for girls can I go out for
the football team no that’s not for
girls I want to wear a white suit on
Easter
that’s not for girls drove me crazy and
I went to Catholic school my entire life
so I did have to wear a dress every
single day for years and this really was
a sort of sticking point for me because
I even went to the Dean and had this big
argument about how in the dress code it
did not explicitly say that the girls
had to wear the girl’s uniform just that
we had to be in uniform now I feel like
that was like you know open book there
for me to go and buy the boys uniform
and we’re technically I’d still be in
uniform
I wasn’t allowed to do that though I got
in big trouble when I turned about 13 I
sort of allowed myself to float back on
that continuum towards presenting more
feminine that was about the time where
the teasing hit critical mass and I just
couldn’t take being picked on anymore it
was really difficult I was a late
bloomer and so the girls would tease me
and the boys would tease me about my
appearance so I grew my hair long again
and I started wearing clothes that were
a little more traditionally from the
girls section and it worked the teasing
pretty much stopped and when I went into
high school I was mostly hanging out
with the athletic popular girls I was
friends with all of them
nobody teased me there were no questions
and have any problems but I felt like I
was wearing a straitjacket every single
day and it brought me down to a level of
depression where I started thinking that
I was never going to be allowed to be
the person that I wanted to be that I
didn’t really have a choice because if I
was the person that I wanted to be I
would have to go back to those times
when the kids would just relentlessly
pick and tease me and also my mom had a
lot to deal with because there was a lot
of judgment where she was concerned
people would look at her ask her say why
are you letting your kid dress like that
why are you letting your kid do that and
so she took a lot of judgment from
people that she didn’t necessarily know
or even people that she thought were
friends of hers that she couldn’t
believe would come up to her and be
judging her decisions on her parenting
based on the way that her child wanted
to be treated or wanted to behave and I
have to give her a lot of credit for for
the most part really standing up and
allowing me to join and do most of the
things that I wanted to do the rule was
always I will let you try out and if you
don’t make the team you don’t make the
team but if you make the team I’m gonna
let you play so that was really great on
her part that she allowed me to really
branch out and try all the things that I
wanted to try there was a lot of
compromising where clothing was
concerned because I went to a very
strict Catholic school we had
appearances to keep up and when it came
to specific holidays and events we had
to do a lot of compromise
what I was allowed to wear so maybe I
was allowed to wear those white pants on
Easter but my shirt had to have some
level of flowers on it and then we
balanced it all out when I hit my
college years
that was really stepping out into a new
time in my life my senior year of high
school I became so depressed that I made
this decision that I was never since I
was never gonna be able to be who I
wanted to be that I just didn’t want to
be alive anymore and that was the year
that I attempted to commit suicide I had
lost all my friends I had been fired
from my job all the girls that I worked
with had got together and wrote a letter
to my boss and said that they didn’t
want to work with me anymore because I
made them uncomfortable they just didn’t
want to be around me so I was fired so I
had this situation where when I was in
school no one wanted to talk to me or
sit near me and when I went home I
didn’t have my job anymore and I didn’t
have anywhere to go and my mom would
often ask me like why aren’t you hanging
out with your friends anymore and I
couldn’t look at my mom and say like I’m
not not hanging out with these people
because I don’t want to hang out with
them like I’m not hanging out them
because they don’t want to be my friend
but I couldn’t say that to my mother I
knew that would just like break her
heart so I just thankfully the suicide
attempt did not come to fruition and I
told myself that if I could just push
through the rest of my senior year and
make it to college I would be able to
just start a new life and be myself and
that’s what happened I went away to
college I met other people who are in
the LGBT community for the first time I
made real friends for the first time who
knew fully who I was I started to be
able to experiment with wearing what I
wanted to wear and being who I wanted to
be with no judgments and this was a huge
breath of fresh air for me because it
was a really hard few years in a
Catholic High School where at least once
a day every day I had someone in a
position of power standing in front of
me saying you’ll go to hell if you are
this you know there are rules that are
written in this book that we read every
day and we go through and we talk about
how this is wrong and this is not what
you’re supposed to be and this was the
first time that I had broken away from
that and saw a whole different part of
the world and it was amazing and it was
a feeling that I never
to lose and I made the decision right
then and there that I was now going to
live my life being my fully authentic
self no matter what people said no
matter what obstacles came in my way I
was just going to be the very best
person I can be
and I discovered that I am my best self
when I am myself the only way that I am
successful and achieving and
capitalizing on every opportunity that
comes my way is when I’m my authentic
self and putting my authentic self value
because I can tell you right now if I
was standing on this stage in a pink
dress I would be extremely uncomfortable
and I’ll guarantee the rest of you would
be just as uncomfortable looking at it
thank you [Applause]