I used to know a lot about parenting so
much that one of my first Jobs was
Dementor moms the only problem was I was
22 I had no kids of my own and I had no
idea what I was talking about if any of
those moms are here today I apologize
because a few years later I had kids of
my own four of them they humbled me
there’s so many moments as a mom when I
thought wow I did not see that coming we
went to the park for a hike and my
seven-year-old hops out of the car with
no shoes just one sock and one flip-flop
what or the time when I was helping my
three-year-old with a huge floor puzzle
of the United States he stuck his finger
in his nose pulled it out Hey look mom
here’s another thing I didn’t see coming
I was exhausted I mean I knew I would
have to do everything for them in the
beginning but I started to wonder when
this was going to end going to work was
easier there I didn’t have to be nice
beg or bribe people into doing what they
needed to do at work I could just tell
them at home I had to tell the kids 20
times to do something and then I still
ended up doing it myself can anyone
relate I love my kids but I was starting
to worry about their future how was I
going to get them to college when I
couldn’t even get them out the door with
two shoes on and so I searched for
answers what I found turned into a
parenting revolution eventually my
husband and I became parent coaches
because we realized this news was too
good not to share in 2015
we did a survey of 250 families from all
50 states and we asked what five words
do you want to describe your child at
age 30 the answers we heard repeatedly
happy kind independent responsible
disciplined yes
but the question we have is what do we
do now
as parents to get here for the last 30
years we’ve been told as parents that we
must instill high self-esteem did you
ever wonder where this idea came from in
psychologists noticed that drug addicts
had low self-esteem and so they
concluded high self-esteem would be the
antidote to crime teenage pregnancy and
drug abuse so government officials
school leaders and parents jumped on the
bandwagon and the self-esteem movement
was born we joke about the idea that
everybody gets a trophy but it is a
reality promoting high self-esteem is
embedded in our cultural psyche
psychologists followed students and kids
for up to 30 years because we fully
expected to see amazing results from
promoting high self-esteem it didn’t
happen in 2003 after decades of research
on self-esteem dr. Roy Baumeister and
his colleagues at the University of
Florida came to these conclusions
promoting high self-esteem does not
prevent children from smoking drinking
taking drugs or engaging in early sex
our findings do not support continued
widespread efforts to boost self-esteem
promoting self-esteem might just as
easily promote narcissism additionally
dr. Baumeister his colleagues found that
certain groups of people test extremely
high in self esteem bullies people with
road rage child abusers white feeders
but all those studies revealed something
unexpected there actually is a childhood
trait that predicts positive outcomes in
life but the trait is self-control
children with high self-control go on to
become adults who are less likely to
have drug and alcohol problems to be a
single parent to commit a crime or to
struggle financially they go on to
become a
it’s more more likely to be in good
health to earn more and save more money
to volunteer and give to charity and to
be satisfied with their lives this is
good news researchers concluded
childhood self-control strongly predicts
adult success and people of high or low
intelligence in rich or poor but there’s
even better news parents we don’t get to
pick our child’s height their eye color
their IQ but we can help them to develop
greater self-control and there are
surprisingly simple ways that we can do
this it begins with a paradigm shift for
a long time people thought the earth was
the center of the universe and the Sun
revolved around it then Nicholas
Copernicus came along and said nope
we’re wrong the earth actually revolves
around the Sun when we focused on
self-esteem the children are the center
of our universe and we completely
revolve around them and their feelings
we are focused on keeping them happy
above all else when we focus on
self-control we teach them they are part
of the family but they’re not the center
we teach them to think about others that
sometimes life is hard and that we have
to do the right thing no matter how we
feel even if we don’t always get a
trophy let me ask you this when your
alarm goes off in the morning how many
of you jump out of it because you are
thrilled to go to work today yes there
are a few hands those are the people
[Applause]
those of us who are being honest know
that even when we like our job we don’t
always feel like going but of course we
do this is I will self-control we
fulfill our responsibilities no matter
how we feel about it one way children
practice
I will self-control is when we expect
them to be responsible and we give them
real responsibilities in the war of 1812
the US Navy had 12 year olds commanding
ships today we’re still waking them up
packing their lunch and cleaning their
rooms for them think about the
difference between volunteering to help
with something versus being in charge of
it we treat tasks differently when we
know it rests on our shoulders I used to
have my children help with the laundry
let me tell you they were not worried
about it
they knew if they didn’t do it I would
but now my children are in charge of the
laundry if they don’t do it we all have
to wear dirty stinky clothes dr. Marty
Rothman at the University of Minnesota
found that children who have chores by
the age of 4 were more successful as
adults than those who began chores as
teenagers knowing that they are part of
the team and that work comes before play
helps children grow in the I will
self-control adults we also exercise I
won’t self-control when we say no to
something we want like that second piece
of cake because we know it might lead to
can’t fit into machines consequences but
we often hesitate to let our children
suffer consequences of their actions
because we’re afraid of harming their
self-esteem but consider this
if you knew the fine for speeding was
$10 would you speed probably what if you
knew the fine was $10,000 would you
think twice we cannot control the
choices our children make now or in the
future but we can teach them that bad
choices lead to bad outcomes when my
children do something obnoxious or just
fail to complete a task it’s actually
really tempting to ignore it to make an
excuse or maybe just do it for them but
instead I’ve started asking myself what
will the boss say what if my son is
working at NASA the boss asks for the
safety report and he says ah I forgot to
do that but hey look Jupiter what’s cute
at 3 is not cute at age 23 someday our
children will have to exercise
self-control or there will be $10,000
consequences and we need to help them
practice now the bottom line is
self-control is cumulative when we grow
in one area it spreads into other areas
and every little bit helps so for the
sake of our children’s future we need to
start focusing on self-control today
[Applause] [Music]
much that one of my first Jobs was
Dementor moms the only problem was I was
22 I had no kids of my own and I had no
idea what I was talking about if any of
those moms are here today I apologize
because a few years later I had kids of
my own four of them they humbled me
there’s so many moments as a mom when I
thought wow I did not see that coming we
went to the park for a hike and my
seven-year-old hops out of the car with
no shoes just one sock and one flip-flop
what or the time when I was helping my
three-year-old with a huge floor puzzle
of the United States he stuck his finger
in his nose pulled it out Hey look mom
here’s another thing I didn’t see coming
I was exhausted I mean I knew I would
have to do everything for them in the
beginning but I started to wonder when
this was going to end going to work was
easier there I didn’t have to be nice
beg or bribe people into doing what they
needed to do at work I could just tell
them at home I had to tell the kids 20
times to do something and then I still
ended up doing it myself can anyone
relate I love my kids but I was starting
to worry about their future how was I
going to get them to college when I
couldn’t even get them out the door with
two shoes on and so I searched for
answers what I found turned into a
parenting revolution eventually my
husband and I became parent coaches
because we realized this news was too
good not to share in 2015
we did a survey of 250 families from all
50 states and we asked what five words
do you want to describe your child at
age 30 the answers we heard repeatedly
happy kind independent responsible
disciplined yes
but the question we have is what do we
do now
as parents to get here for the last 30
years we’ve been told as parents that we
must instill high self-esteem did you
ever wonder where this idea came from in
psychologists noticed that drug addicts
had low self-esteem and so they
concluded high self-esteem would be the
antidote to crime teenage pregnancy and
drug abuse so government officials
school leaders and parents jumped on the
bandwagon and the self-esteem movement
was born we joke about the idea that
everybody gets a trophy but it is a
reality promoting high self-esteem is
embedded in our cultural psyche
psychologists followed students and kids
for up to 30 years because we fully
expected to see amazing results from
promoting high self-esteem it didn’t
happen in 2003 after decades of research
on self-esteem dr. Roy Baumeister and
his colleagues at the University of
Florida came to these conclusions
promoting high self-esteem does not
prevent children from smoking drinking
taking drugs or engaging in early sex
our findings do not support continued
widespread efforts to boost self-esteem
promoting self-esteem might just as
easily promote narcissism additionally
dr. Baumeister his colleagues found that
certain groups of people test extremely
high in self esteem bullies people with
road rage child abusers white feeders
but all those studies revealed something
unexpected there actually is a childhood
trait that predicts positive outcomes in
life but the trait is self-control
children with high self-control go on to
become adults who are less likely to
have drug and alcohol problems to be a
single parent to commit a crime or to
struggle financially they go on to
become a
it’s more more likely to be in good
health to earn more and save more money
to volunteer and give to charity and to
be satisfied with their lives this is
good news researchers concluded
childhood self-control strongly predicts
adult success and people of high or low
intelligence in rich or poor but there’s
even better news parents we don’t get to
pick our child’s height their eye color
their IQ but we can help them to develop
greater self-control and there are
surprisingly simple ways that we can do
this it begins with a paradigm shift for
a long time people thought the earth was
the center of the universe and the Sun
revolved around it then Nicholas
Copernicus came along and said nope
we’re wrong the earth actually revolves
around the Sun when we focused on
self-esteem the children are the center
of our universe and we completely
revolve around them and their feelings
we are focused on keeping them happy
above all else when we focus on
self-control we teach them they are part
of the family but they’re not the center
we teach them to think about others that
sometimes life is hard and that we have
to do the right thing no matter how we
feel even if we don’t always get a
trophy let me ask you this when your
alarm goes off in the morning how many
of you jump out of it because you are
thrilled to go to work today yes there
are a few hands those are the people
[Applause]
those of us who are being honest know
that even when we like our job we don’t
always feel like going but of course we
do this is I will self-control we
fulfill our responsibilities no matter
how we feel about it one way children
practice
I will self-control is when we expect
them to be responsible and we give them
real responsibilities in the war of 1812
the US Navy had 12 year olds commanding
ships today we’re still waking them up
packing their lunch and cleaning their
rooms for them think about the
difference between volunteering to help
with something versus being in charge of
it we treat tasks differently when we
know it rests on our shoulders I used to
have my children help with the laundry
let me tell you they were not worried
about it
they knew if they didn’t do it I would
but now my children are in charge of the
laundry if they don’t do it we all have
to wear dirty stinky clothes dr. Marty
Rothman at the University of Minnesota
found that children who have chores by
the age of 4 were more successful as
adults than those who began chores as
teenagers knowing that they are part of
the team and that work comes before play
helps children grow in the I will
self-control adults we also exercise I
won’t self-control when we say no to
something we want like that second piece
of cake because we know it might lead to
can’t fit into machines consequences but
we often hesitate to let our children
suffer consequences of their actions
because we’re afraid of harming their
self-esteem but consider this
if you knew the fine for speeding was
$10 would you speed probably what if you
knew the fine was $10,000 would you
think twice we cannot control the
choices our children make now or in the
future but we can teach them that bad
choices lead to bad outcomes when my
children do something obnoxious or just
fail to complete a task it’s actually
really tempting to ignore it to make an
excuse or maybe just do it for them but
instead I’ve started asking myself what
will the boss say what if my son is
working at NASA the boss asks for the
safety report and he says ah I forgot to
do that but hey look Jupiter what’s cute
at 3 is not cute at age 23 someday our
children will have to exercise
self-control or there will be $10,000
consequences and we need to help them
practice now the bottom line is
self-control is cumulative when we grow
in one area it spreads into other areas
and every little bit helps so for the
sake of our children’s future we need to
start focusing on self-control today
[Applause] [Music]
Please follow and like us: