bit more who speaks German who speaks
English who speaks Irish English
no worries when you don’t understand
something don’t worry I don’t understand
everything either no problem when I
first came to Germany I didn’t speak any
German and so but most people here speak
pretty good English the only problem was
nobody understood my perfect Irish
English I had to learn how to speak
slowly clearly and with enunciation all
at the same time unbelievable my English
improved in Germany the only problem is
when I spoke to my mother she said what
is wrong with you did you have a stroke
so I’m from Ireland and Ireland is a
great country Ireland is the home of
Guinness Irish pubs and alcoholics you
might think I’m joking but they did a
survey two years ago and 2/3 of all
Irish people are alcoholics I was
shocked I didn’t realize that so many
were sober I’ve only said no once to a
drink in my life and that’s when I
didn’t understand the question in some
countries you could date people died
with a thirst in Ireland we’re born with
a thirst my would like to make a toast
to my uncle he says that you should only
stop drinking when you cannot spell your
name backwards I would like to make it
anyone here ever been to Ireland yes yes
yes good cuckoo Ireland is a very very
Catholic country Ireland is so Catholic
Jesus would have been wanted to be born
there but we couldn’t find three wise
men or a virgin my family wanted me to
stay in Ireland they wanted me to stay
at home and marry somebody who has the
same beliefs as damn but why would I
marry someone who also thinks I’m an
idiot and then I came to munich munich
airport and i saw the big german flag
with the big eagle and the big text
welcome to the B or D B or D I asked the
policeman I said what does B or D stand
for he said very simple Bavaria and the
rest of die flat
[Applause]
wherever I land he said you’d landed in
Bavaria near Germany but then he asked
me the policeman asked me he said what
are you doing in Germany most English
people have a problem with us Germans I
said well there’s two things one I’m not
English – we don’t have a problem with
anyone except the English but I said we
don’t no problem with anyone just give
you a little bit of Irish history many
many years ago the English came to
Ireland many many years they stayed but
it was a happy ending they left but to
summarize we use them – like the English
but now all that’s changed nowadays we
still don’t like them but anyway so a
few years ago the Queen of England came
to Ireland and some people really really
wanted her to come some people really
really didn’t want her to come for most
of us we didn’t really care anyway she
came she went luckily she wasn’t sure
she wasn’t bombed and she wasn’t mooned
but then we had a financial crisis in
Ireland we needed money we needed lots
of money for beer the first country that
gave us money was England well they
didn’t really give it to us they give it
as a very high interest rate but they
are English you can’t expect too much
but then it’s like is it a Natalia and
Spanish and the Portuguese guy went into
a bordello
who would pay Germany but then I came to
Munich a Munich is a great great city he
was sick Hamburg Mars the most livable
city most livable place in the world is
Munich is a great city it’s so clean
it’s so safe and more importantly the
bars are open all night and of course
you have the English gardens and there’s
loads of naked people unfortunately most
of them are as old as the Queen of
England sorry sir I don’t want to be too
harsh on the English but also Irish
English we can’t have a special
relationship I mean the English have
made some great great contributions to
the world
for example English language the minicar
and football the only thing is nowadays
who speaks English better the Irish who
makes the mini car better
the Germans and who plays football
better everybody but then what age are
people here in the room is there anyone
here under 30 years of age give us a
cheer come on give us a cheer I do
another 30 oh you’ve got so much hope
and energy in the bounce in your step I
hate you guys is there anyone here
between 30 and 40 anyone here over 40
well done guys we’re still breathing a
few months ago a few weeks ago I had my
birthday my 44th birthday and I asked my
girlfriend I said do you think I’m
getting older and she said well Liz what
do you mean where she says well when you
get out of the bed in the morning when
you stand up you sound like a coffee
ah I turned on the coffee machine and
you know what she’s right the only thing
is I said I don’t leave behind any
coffee or liquids she said no not yet
I work in i.t i.t it isn’t a great
industry modern technology changing the
world as we know it just changing the
future of wonderful wonderful but I was
reading recently somewhere that 70% of
IT projects end in failure
70% where else could we be so in an
industry with such a high rate of
failure and yet be so proud but I love
my technology for example my I products
a few months ago I saw the Steve Jobs
movie and the Steve Jobs stole all his
ideas from all around them for example I
products he stole that idea from the
Romans Romans yes veni vidi vici I came
I saw I conquered I products anyway
luckily he wasn’t Scottish otherwise
we’d have the I I phone or the I I pad
anyway my girlfriend she loves the I
products she has the iPhone the iPad and
I paid but I also have the iPhone and
the iPhone it’s a great piece of kit
it’s a wonderful wonderful phone it’s
got great design it’s got great
functionality but my goodness it’s just
so expensive it’s just so expensive I am
terrified of damaging and are scratching
it so I have to cover it in plastic all
the time it’s like eating a Barrett
chocolate with a wrapper on having a
bath with your socks on and then there
was last week I left the phone off I was
walking down I left the plastic off the
phone I were walking down the street my
tripped on the curb and the phone fell
out of the ground and I heard a crack
and the phone is just so expensive when
I heard a crack I
please God let up be my Lake then I came
I started working in Germany and Germany
from Ireland is is it’s a little bit
different in terms of work for example
the first day my boss first week my boss
said to me he said you know what time we
start out here in the morning no idea
I’ve never been here that early Dani
said hey you’ve been late five times
this week do you know what that means
yeah it’s Friday and then I was underway
in the second week I was underway to
work I was under waiting for the train
and the train was a little bit late and
there was all these people getting
excited on the truck on the phone or if
the phone is late to foot the train is
late the train is late to train as I the
train was two minutes late this would
never happen in Ireland we don’t have
any trains and then the train came it
was just a big huge crowd of people it
was all the pushing and the shoving in
their heads and open go for the gap and
that’s just the grandmothers in Ireland
that would never happen it’s just like
no you go first no no you go first
no no no you go first no wonder we never
get anything done and another difference
in Ireland and here is on the train in
Ireland we are afraid of eye contact
because in Ireland if somebody looked at
you for longer than two seconds
it means they either want to give you a
kiss a hit or both and so in all and
nobody ever looked at me especially not
the women but in the train in Germany
all the attractive German girls were
looking at me why wouldn’t they but only
problem was all the attractive German
men were looking at me too then I was
sitting at lunchtime and in Ireland when
you sit at lunchtime it’s just so loud
it’s just everybody starts talking about
all these topics and this just
straightaway it’s noise noise noise but
silence I can’t act silence then comes
the first topic and then it’s finished
and then again silence I can’t act I
didn’t know what was wrong and now I
know what it is they are actually
thinking about what they were going to
say before they actually said it this
was a completely new concept for me I
only know what I’m thinking about when
I’ve heard myself say it so then I
realize I needed to learn German but
German is not so easy for us Irish we
have the international reputation for
being stupid there’s many reasons for
this the main one
it’s true last week fifteen Irish people
were drowned in Dublin they were doing
Riverdance
so what do you call somebody who speaks
two languages bilingual somebody who
speaks three languages trilingual and
somebody who speaks one language
American sorry sorry are there any
Americans here today yes I don’t mean to
denigrate the Americans okay denigrate
so I needed to learn some German so I
start to learn German in a group and it
was like was a Spanish guy a French guy
in Italian and me sounds like a joke it
was we all want to learn the most
important things for each of us so there
the French guys you are so beautiful
the Spanish guy your sister is so
beautiful the Italian guy your mother is
so beautiful and me one beer please but
we had to learn another word another
more important words was punctuality the
Spanish guy always came like mañana
mañana he said I didn’t know no idea
what that meant but I had to find out
what it meant tomorrow and then he
explains me manana means the work will
be done tomorrow next week next year
whenever then he asked me what’s the
equivalent word in Ireland don’t have a
and then a little bit of German is a
dangerous thing a little bit of German
is a dangerous thing I went to
Oktoberfest and I saw this guy having a
pee on the side of the tent and I wanted
to say to look that is disgusting
now the problem in English the word for
disgusting is gross and the word gross
in German means big so I’ve said too low
that is gross he went Oh danke Schoen
danke red dye get your on you told us
people to come thank you very much for
you [Music]